3rd Fair Adventure

Today for work we went to the State Fair. This was my third trip to the fair. I am not sure whose bright idea it was to head out to the fair for the staff bonding experience, but at least it was better than last year’s outing. Last year we went mini-golfing and out to lunch at a swanky restaurant. I was fine with mini-golfing until we got to the course and saw that it wasn’t real mini-golf but rather just a real golf course scaled down in size. There were no clowns or windmills or crazy holes. Nothing. Just green grass, a few crappy sand traps, and some ponds. It blew. I ended up hitting my ball into a pond and when I crouched down to fish it out I popped the button off my shorts. Yeah, you heard me. I popped the button off my shorts. Well…since I don’t normally travel with a sewing kit I ended up having to tie my shorts together with some dental floss that Mary had in her purse. A few holes later I hit my ball into a different pond and Tom, my manager, came over as I was trying to fish it out again and said “Here let me do it. I don’t want you to lose your button again.”. It was a long day. So I suggested that next year we just go to Arby’s for lunch and then head back to the office to play Scrabble. Clearly no one remembered my suggestion this year. The Fair it was.

The trip was ok, nothing great but also nothing bad. One of my co-workers was really crabby, so that made for a few touch and go moments. She felt that she shouldn’t have to wait if our co-workers wanted to get something to eat or use the restroom. Eventually she left the group and headed down the birthing barn. Happy trails. If we were in the hundred acre woods, she definitely would be Eeyore. No doubt about it.

Surprisingly not too much happened at the fair other than eating a lot of food. I had some pizza, cheese curds, mini-donuts, a deep fried Snicker bar (which was gross), chocolate chip cookies. Once again not only did I fall off the diet wagon, but I was run over by it a couple of times. Ouch. I spent the rest of the day wishing my clothes were made of elastic.

This Friday will be trip number four to the State Fair. Say a prayer for me and my waistline.

Six Ring

I had an audition on Tuesday night for the Six Ring Circus improv troop at Brave New Workshop.

For years I avoided improv like the plague. I didn’t understand it, I didn’t like doing it, and I didn’t even like talking about it. About a year ago on a whim I decided to step outside my comfort zone and I auditioned for the performance track improv class. The audition was horrible. I will never forget it. I had never done improv before…I had no clue what was involved. I was thrust on stage and had to hit the ground running. I didn’t know the terms or instructions. I just winged it as best as I could. I walked out of the audition and literally doubled over on the street corner laughing hysterically over what a mess it had been. I called Becca and I was laughing so hard that I couldn’t talk. I’m not lying. It was out of this world terrible.

I got into the class. Turns out the instructor felt I had talent, but I didn’t know what I was doing. I was the class pet project. Interesting.

So I took the series of classes. Four levels of the performance track. In a few weeks I will finish the finale stage of the class, which is music. I had said it once, I have said it a million times I am a terrible singer but I love the class. It is so much fun. Wild fun.

The audition on Tuesday was ok. I had auditioned once before for Six Ring and it was pretty bad and I wasn’t cast. Truthfully I wasn’t devastated that I didn’t get cast, but it certainly was a blow to the ego. I’m not going to lie. Funny how the ego gets bruised when you never expect it to. Then seeing some of the people that were cast I was even more disheartened because I figured I was just as good, if not better than them. Then I was told that a lot of it came down to who was a good fit within the already structured teams. That made a little bit of sense. As much as I like to pretend that I can get along with anyone, I am constantly reminded that I have a strong personality by those around me. They find it hilarious that I am unaware of how my personality is perceived by others. Whatever.

Much to my surprise this time I was cast. I am on a great team and I am beyond stoked to be doing Six Ring. Interesting how things have a way of turning out. In the end, it worked out for the best. So come and catch a show…every Tuesday night starting in September.

2nd Fair Adventure

Dan and I in the KOOL 108 Booth!

"Please Do Not Feed The DJ's" Dan was mad. He was hungry.

Mary performing. Hilarious!

I think Mary was trying to call me. And she wonders why I never pick up. Voicemail!

Last night was my second trip out to the Minnesota State Fair. Not much has changed out there since the Fergie concert on Saturday. Well nothing much except the growing amount of trash and litter everywhere. It’s pretty nasty…no doubt about that.

My good friend Mary was performing stand up comedy on one of the stages there. Mary is one of the funniest people I have ever met. When she and I get going we will just laugh and laugh and laugh. People like that are rare in this world.

Before the show Becca and I stopped by the KOOL 108 broadcast booth to see my friend Dan. I made Dan a sign for the window that said “Please do not feed the DJ’s. Thank you – Management.” I asked him if anyone has ever flashed him while he is sitting in the booth. He said no. I was disappointed. The women at the Minnesota State Fair seem to scream that they are the type of girls that would do “Girls Gone Wild”. Girls with bleached out hair, trashy tattoos, and tank tops with no bras. Alas, no such luck. No flashing…yet.

The stand up comedy show was fantastic except for the moment I was attacked by this crazed grasshopper in the middle of Mary’s act. The creepy insect landed on my lip. I thought someone hit me with something and looked around to see what was going on and then I felt it move. I almost threw up on the spot. I hate grasshoppers. I hate them almost as much as spiders. They are pretty much neck and neck in the race of hate. It took all my strength to not scream like a freakin’ twelve year old girl. No one else seemed to be attacked by deranged insects during the show. As usual…it’s me.

There was this kid sitting next to me on the bench. He was probably six years old or so. He looked like a miniature version of Pedro from “Napoleon Dynamite”. I would laugh every time I looked over at him. His family was sitting way in the back and they seemed a little nervous that he was sitting next to a stranger. I wanted to tell them that it was fine and that I’m not some weird sicko and that I was friends with Mary. But, I decided not to. Instead I figured I would just leave it alone and not even say a word to him. No stranger danger here.

Well, Nicholas (the other performer in the show) told everyone to stand up as part of his act. So we all stood up. Then he said to turn to your left and give the person next to you a shoulder rub. Well…I turn to the left and look down and see this kid standing there. Now there is not a snowball’s chance in hell that I am going to touch this kid. So I stand there with my arms folded on my chest thinking “don’t get arrested” and this kid is looking at me like I am the biggest jerk in the world because I’m not participating. Then Nicholas says for everyone to turn back around and return the favor. So I am rubbing Becca’s shoulders and something catches the corner of my eye. Here this kid is standing behind me with his arms up in the air and moving his fingers. I am panicked. So I am mouthing “don’t touch me” to the kid and praying that his parents don’t start screaming out in Spanish.

After the show I went up to Nicholas and thanked him for putting me in one of the most uncomfortable awkward moments of my life. One surprise after another at the fair!

Trisha Yearwood

This morning at work I was holding the door for someone who needed to get back to the restrooms. As soon as I turned back around I was face to face with Trisha Yearwood. That moment took me by surprise. She just looked at me and smiled and said hello as she walked through the door that I was still holding open.

I thought…why is Trisha here? So I called Francie and confirmed that yes it was, in fact, Trisha. Now this is what kills me about my job. I honestly have no idea who is ever here. The elevator will ding and the doors open and out will step Big & Rich with Cowboy Troy, or Nelly Furtado will be upstairs, or James Blunt will stroll past my desk and say “Cheers”. The element of surprise is alive and well at my job. It usually makes for an interesting day. I don’t have any trouble making small talk as they come through…except with Mat Kearney. I couldn’t make a coherent sentence no matter how hard I tried when he was here. That was the only time I have ever truly geeked out at my job.

So Trisha passes by my desk and my co-worker Mary says “Trisha, I want you to meet Jason.” So Trisha walks over to me and sticks her hand out for me to shake. I stand and shake her hand. Below is our conversation…

Trisha: Wow…you have a lot of extensions. That would make me crazy.
Me: Yeah…believe it or not, I did go to college. Now I answer a phone.
Trisha: Well, my first job was as a receptionist at a record label. My first day I hung up on my boss four times. I was so nervous.
Me: Well, I think in the end things worked out pretty well for you.
Trisha:*laughs* Yeah, they did. It actually helped me a lot to break out of my shell. I was really shy back then.
*her assistant sets down a publicity photo and sharpie marker for her to do an autograph*
Trisha *looks at the picture and marker and then looks at me* Do you even want one?
Me: Ahh, yeah, I actually would.
Trisha: It’s Jason, right?
Me: Yes, Jason.
*she signs the photo “To Jason, Love, Trisha Yearwood”*
Trisha: Well, Jason. Here you go. It was really nice to meet you. Take care.
Me: Thank you. *and then she smiled, waved and left*

Trisha was so unbelievably nice and sincere, it really surprised me. Not, that I would expect her to be rude or difficult or anything. I just didn’t think she would be so down to Earth. I wonder what tomorrow will bring. Hummmm.

Vick

So today on CNN they showed the press conference with Michael Vick. You all know the deal…dog fighting, dog betting, and dog killing. All around great guy, right? Awesome role model for America’s youth. He is the worst possible combination…trash with money. In the press conference Vick said that through this situation he has found Jesus. Really? Really? Really…because you got busted for your heinous behavior we are supposed to believe that you’re a good guy after all since you found Christ shortly after pleading guilty. Give me a break. How predictable is that? It just makes me crazy. Had you not been busted you would still be at home drowning and hanging your dogs, not sitting in church. Agh.

I look over at my co-worker (he’s a born again Christian – not judging, just a fact), who was watching the press conference with me, and he shakes his head in affirmation and says “good…good for him”. For crying out loud! It’s about as sincere as Paris Hilton reading the bible when she was in jail. Or when Jeffrey Dahmer found Jesus in prison after killing and eating numerous men. Everyone finds Jesus in jail. Wait…I don’t think Tanya Harding found Jesus after she had Nancy clubbed. At least she stuck to her guns and didn’t play the born-again card. She has my respect to some degree for that.

I just looked over at him and in a very serious tone said…

“Yeah, I understand where he’s coming from. Once after a really bad phone call here at the front desk in which I got into an argument, I just looked at the phone and asked for forgiveness. I found Jesus after I yelled and hung up on that caller. Now, I just look at the phone when it rings and I whisper “Jesus take the switchboard” before I answer it.”

He looked at me as though he was trying to figure out how to set me on fire.

I think I need to change the channel. No more CNN at work. It brings out the worst in me.

G - L - A - M - O - R - O - U - S (Fergie at the MN State Fair)

Bernie's tattoo.

A possible tattoo for me? It says "ok" but it's upside down.

And, finally, this is Bernie.

We flyin' first class
Up in the sky
Poppin' champagne
Livin' my life
In the fast lane
And I wont change
For the Glamorous, ooh the flossy flossy
G – L – A – M – O – R – O – U - S

Tonight I went to the Minnesota State Fair for the first time in my life. How I have somehow managed to dodge this bullet for 33 years is beyond me. But, I made the trip for the first time to see the one and only Fergie.

The night began with Bernie picking me up for the concert. I had no idea really where the fair even was…just some place east of me…that was all I knew. Bernie is, hands down, one of my favorite people in the world. He just cracks me up all the time. We had gone to college together but weren’t really friends back then. Bernie was actually friends with my old roommate Jen, but over the years we’ve friend skipped and forged a friendship on our own. Sorry Jen. As we were driving I looked over and saw that Bernie now had a huge tattoo on his arm. I looked at it for a minute and thought is it real? Is it henna? Do they still have henna tattoos? When did he get the tattoo? Did I know he was going to get a tattoo? Did it hurt? Then I thought did he always have this tattoo and I somehow never noticed it before? Yes…my mind can ask a lot of questions in a really short amount of time. Is that a sign of ADD? Hey…what’s that over there? FOCUS.

So I had to ask and Bernie told me the story of his tattoo. Which was good. If you are going to get a tattoo there better be a story involved rather then I was drunk and my friends dared me to do it. Turns out his tattoo are the lyrics from one of his favorite religious hymns from a hundred years ago or something like that (I think…I was distracted by the tattoo, to be honest). He said that he was thinking about getting a tattoo for a few years now, but was unsure of what design exactly. I told him that the lyrics were a lot cooler than a Nick Lachey tribal arm band. He agreed. I just found the whole thing fascinating. I have thought about getting a tattoo, but I am way too indecisive to do it. I have no idea what I would get. Skull and crossbones on the part of my arm where a bicep should be? A kitten and rainbow on my hip? A Celtic knot with children’s names written in an elfish language? Oh wait…Virginia already did that last one. Scratch that.

As we drove, I asked him if he would get another one. He said he probably would at some point. See I heard it’s hard for people to stop at just one tattoo. It starts simple enough with a unicorn and then it snowballs and the next thing you know you are on the cover of “Tattoo Art” covered in only tattoos and starring on “Miami Ink”.

Now I find tattoos interesting because it is something that you will have forever (to a certain degree I guess, you could always laser it off down the road). You really need to be sure that you can live with it for the rest of your life. My brother got a tattoo on his back shoulder of an angel praying after our mom died. Makes sense…it marks a significant event in one’s life. People get a tattoo of something that means something to them. That’s the point, right? Then I started to think about things that truly matter to me. It’s hard to do. Either I am greatly disconnected to the life I live or I need to live life a little more. I couldn’t come up with much of a list. So I think I will wait awhile longer before I walk into the tattoo parlor unless, of course, I am hammered and my friends dare me.

Once we got to the fair I was shocked to see how packed it was. I wish I would have had my camera with me. It was literally a sea of people. I couldn’t focus on anything because there was too much of everything.

We made our way to the Grandstand dodging large people eating everything and anything on a stick, weaving through baby strollers and screaming parents, and shuffling through a lot of litter. It was a maze of all that is wrong in our world. I figured it was a large performance space since it’s called Grandstand and all but I did not realize it was monstrously huge. There were just under 11,000 people there for the only the concert. Wow. I did not expect that. It took forever for the show to begin but once Fergie too the stage there was no looking back…it was a trainwreck. T – R – A – I – N – W – R – E – C – K.

The crowd was a mix people with the majority leaning towards teenage girls. They went crazy when Fergie sang “Personal (Big Girls Don’t Cry). The girls threw their arms in the air waving their cell phones, swaying back and forth and singing along on top of their lungs. It was deafening. The Church of Fergie was in full force.

Our seats were next to some of my co-workers, so that was fun. Molly’s friend ended up getting pretty trashed. At one point she spilled her beer on me. Without fail…a sloppy drunk and I will cross paths and they will spill his or her drink on me. You can bet on it.

Looking around there went too many fashion offenses. I have heard numerous tales of the uprisings of the fashion victims at the fair. The closest I saw to anything that would have sent fashionistas running for the hills was some older people wearing fanny packs. Not too major of an offense…not pretty...but also not the end of the world. But, I did see a guy walk past us wearing a Madonna tank top from her Drowned World Tour 2001. That was a kindred spirit in an unexpected place. I also saw a guy wearing a t-shirt of the Indigo Girls. Now, that was odd. Fergie and the Indigo Girls. Sounds like someone has some personal issues to sort out to me.

The worst part of the show was the band jam during her costume change. Oh Lord it was bad. All of a sudden there was a trumpet and a saxophone. Where in the hell did they come from? I don’t remember ever hearing real instruments in her songs. But…why not, right? Maybe they were trying to class it up a little bit. Who knows? But, whoever had that idea should be fired on the spot. It was terrible. T – E – R – R – I – B – L – E. I actually talked Molly and her drunk friend into booing loudly during the jam. They did it. My goal was to get the entire Grandstand booing, but it didn’t catch on as I had hoped. Different strokes for different folks, I guess.

Another lowlight was when she sang “Mary Jane Shoes” (which samples “No Woman, No Cry” by Bob Marley). Bernie made a joke about Tom Petty’s song “Mary Jane’s Last Dance”. I thought he was serious and tried to explain to him that she was actually singing about shoes to which he was offended that I doubted his fashion knowledge. Touché. I should have known better. Bernie knows a lot about fashion. He reminds me of one of the characters that works at Mode on “Ugly Betty”. But, the song did give me my favorite moment of the evening. It was a moment of surrender to Fergie and the night as a whole. Bernie and I sang along loudly. Good old Bernie saves it from being a complete and total waste.

“Whoa…my Mary Janes. Whoa…my Mary Janes. Whoa…my Mary Janes.”

Then things took an interesting turn. Fergie sang her cover of Hearts “Barracuda” from the Shrek 3 Soundtrack. WHOA! The crowd was lost. Totally lost. Then the most unexpected thing I have ever seen at a concert happened. Fergie geared up and launched into a series of 4 one handed cartwheels while singing. Yes, you read that correctly. 4 one handed cartwheels while singing. To her credit it was kinda cool and the crowd did go berserk over it. The Church of Fergie was back in session. But, she lost everyone on her scat version of “Rehab” by Amy Winehouse. Here is Fergie’s version: “they tried to make me go to rehab, I said no, no, scootlie bee bob, eh, eh, bah, bah, baw, scootlie, no.” One could almost hear Amy’s screams from rehab. “Fergie did what? Awwww…hell no! I’m gonna cut her hardcore.”

Then for the encore she sang “Glamorous”. Now, that song is the whole reason I wanted to go in the first place. It’s such an odd song, but it’s catchy as hell. Had she sung it earlier in the show we probably would have left. But, she knew she needed to keep it for the encore and it ultimately kept me in my seat.

There it is. My own little review is a lot kinder than any of the critics have been. It was bad. B – A – D.

But, at least we have Fergie who is out in the world making a difference in her own small way. Thank God for Fergie and her helping America’s youth learn how to spell one song at a time.

If you ain't got no money
take yo'broke ass home
If you ain't got no money
take yo'broke ass home
G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S,
yeah G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S

Odds & Ends

* I am feeling so much better today. About damn time. You know…if they would have just given me antibiotics when this whole mess started I would not have been miserable for weeks. Aaagghhh. But, at least it’s hopefully over now. Like I said…I feel light years better than a couple of days ago.

* I am starting to get a little nervous about the new stand up comedy show. I am working on new material but I don’t feel funny so it is hard to judge it. I suppose I will find out once I am on stage and people are either laughing or booing. Ah, life on the edge.

* Last night I had the time of my life in my music improv class. God it was fun! I am not a singer but I have a riot so I don’t care. If you can, come and see the performance. Last night we had the do the blues. It’s tough. We had only a few seconds to come up with a three line verse that rhymes. Here was mine…keep in mind I only had a few moments to do it. The theme was “camping”.

“looking at all these maps, I haven’t got a clue.
The sky is gray, shouldn’t it be a bright blue?
It don’t matter, I guess. I’m just a fat man in a canoe”

Thank you…thank you.

* I am debating about buying a video recorder. I think it would be a good thing to have around. Then I could tape my shows and whatnot and post them. Maybe make a couple of videos at work about the crazy things that happen with the crazy people in this crazy industry. There is a lot of crazy…trust me. Do you think people would watch? I do. My friend Becca always says that if I had a video crew following me I would have a hit show on Bravo easily. She is right. I do find myself in the most bizarre situations by accident all the time. You honestly can’t make it up.

* I cannot stop listening to Darren Hayes’ new album “This Delicate Thing We’ve Made.” It is such a great album. Very unconventional pop music. Love it. My favorite track so far is “How To Build A Time Machine.” Sounds like 1980’s Kate Bush. Check it out.

* I am moving in September. I signed the lease on Tuesday. I am looking forward to moving a great deal. I cannot wait. It’s 300 more square feet and will only cost me $5 more a month and is less than 3 miles from work. Pretty sweet. I have grown tired of living in Loring Park. After awhile the hustlers, drug sellers, prostitutes, and random wackos on the street start to get old. The novelty has worn off after a year. I am done. Good by downtown, hello suburbs! I am moving to a deluxe apartment in the sky. Cue: The Jefferson’s Theme Song.

* I need to clean this weekend. My apartment is dirty. DIRTY. This morning while getting ready for work I discovered two different life forms that did not look like anything that was from this planet. Rude. So my exciting weekend will be revolving around rubber gloves, Lysol and my “Ugly Betty” DVDS. Anyone wanna come over for the fun? Just let me know.

* I got $40 is my Discover Card Cash Back Awards today. I only had to spend about fifty thousand dollars to get it, but whatever. How funny is that? Go into debt to get $40. Hummm…

* Well, my leg has fallen asleep. Time to move. Over and out.

Seeing Red.

Well…today I am still crabby. I need a mood overhaul big time. I feel like I have started a downward spiral into crazy. Being sick, the constant rain, and the craziness at work all add up to a very mentally unstable Jason.

As of this afternoon, I have now started antibiotics. My brother-in-law who is a doctor figures that it is, in fact, pneumonia. I didn’t think I was going to survive last night, I coughed up many internal organs. So hopefully this will take care of things once and for all. After all, it’s only been going on for six weeks now.

I went to Target over my lunch hour to get my medication only to be told I was at the wrong Target. Whatever. So back in the rain to try a different store. After I get to the right store I am greeted with a herd of apathetic employees. After standing there for a few minutes before someone wandered over to help me, I had to wait even longer for my prescription to be double checked. I thought I was going to explode. Tick, tick, boom. I looked at him and in a controlled but snarky voice (I do it well) said “well, maybe one of the 9 people standing back there behind the counter could do it, or at least pretend to do it while they are talking about the state fair this coming weekend.” Then after a few more awkward glances between the employees and myself, I was handed my pills and on my way.

I just don’t get it. I am standing there. I am only about 200 pounds overweight. I am not invisible. At least be smart and pretend to be helping me. Don’t stand there like a bunch of morons staring off into space.

Tonight is the Hilary Duff concert. I am totally bumped to have to miss it because of my improv class. Originally we weren’t going to have class tonight, but now we are. Dammit. I love the Duffster. I do. I have her song “Wake Up” on my phone and I still cannot get enough of it. I even have used it in my stand up act. But, truth be told if I went to the concert I would just end up looking like one of the guys from “Dateline: To Catch A Predator”. As a 33 year old man, I would feel a little out of place in an arena filled with pre-teen girls. I suppose I could have used Isabella as a cover, but I already used her as the excuse when I bought the CD. If you haven’t heard about that just look back in the archives for that posting. It’s crazy but true.

Oh Hilary…I guess I will just wait for the DVD.

But, I did hear today that “Ugly Betty” is planning a musical episode. How freakin’ cool is that? I cannot wait. Almost sounds too good to be true, if you ask me. Get the DVD of season 1 if you haven’t seen it. Completely worth it.

Time to head home to knock back a bottle of cough syrup before class. I have no idea how I am going to sing tonight in class. For the love of God…what would Hilary Duff do?

reactions

Once again I was up off and on all freakin’ night. I woke up around 2 AM with night sweats. Third night in a row. I’m now officially out of clean bedsheets. Tonight after work I will be doing laundry since my sheets are now all dirty. Nothing grosses me out more than night sweats. The fun never ends.

I took my pill this morning at work and had a bizarre reaction. My skin turned a bright red and got really hot. And by hot I mean HOT. My arms were just radiating heat. I was like that guy on NBC’s “Heroes” that would get all hot and nuclear and finally combust. I almost exploded I was so hot. Spontaneous combustion people…do you hear me? What the hell is that about? Is it possible to have an allergic reaction to a medication after you’ve already been on it for 5 days?

I am starting to think I really might be dying. It just might be true.

Last night I started watching “Ugly Betty: Season 1”on DVD. I am so glad that they are releasing TV shows on DVD now after the season is done. I missed so many of the regular episodes that I figured I would just wait and watch them all at once. Smart thinking. I watched the first two episodes last night and I loved them. It’s such a great show. Vanessa Williams is fantastic. I cannot wait to go home tonight and watch some more. I am hoping to squeeze in two, maybe three, episodes.

Speaking of “Ugly Betty” have you heard the new promos for the show? Mika re-worked his song “Big Girl (You Are Beautiful)” to “Hey Betty (You Are Beautiful)” and it’s great. Check it out on YouTube if you haven’t seen or heard it yet. Pretty cool.

Now for disappointing news…I heard the new Madonna song that leaked today. Oh Lord. After being a die hard fan since the beginning. Yes, the very beginning. I was probably the only boy in the third grade singing “Lucky Star”, but I didn’t care. She rocked my world from day one. I am now starting to have my first doubts. Our relationship has hit it’s first bump in the road. She has gone all urban and R&B and it is not pretty. The song was produced with Pharrell and it sounds like a really bad Gwen Stefani knock off. I am praying that the rest of the album isn’t going to sound the same when it’s released this coming fall. I’d cross my fingers, but it is hard to type like that. It’s a bitter pill after the greatness that was “Confessions on the Dancefloor” which was produced by Stuart Price. The good news is that Stuart is producing Seal’s new album which will be released this fall as well. Now there is something to look forward to.

Well…time to go. If I don’t post tomorrow…please panic. The pills probably did kill me. Now that I think about it…maybe it’s the pills that are causing me to doubt Madonna. These pills are going to be my undoing yet.

Grazing

It’s been 5 days now that I’ve been taking the steroids and so far I have not shown any signs of truly crazy behavior. Kind of disappointing. No rage filled outbursts, no uncontrollable tears, no attempted to leap to my death. Nothing. I was hoping to be able to use “insanity due to medication” to get out of some criminal charges. Oh well, maybe next time. So yes, we can all breathe a little easier now.

The side effects are really minor, but there have been a few “slight” changes in behavior.

I do get pretty wired at night. I wake up anywhere from 3 to 6 times a night. I just look at the ceiling, swear a little bit, and then roll over and try to fall back asleep. Over and over and over.

The worst part of the medication is that I am hungry all the time. I am not even joking or exaggerating at all. I wake up and I am starving, I go to work and I am starving, I go home and I am starving, I just finish eating and I am starving, I go to bed and I am starving. In three words…I am starving. I can feel my clothes getting a little bit tighter. I would blame the washer and dryer for shrinking my clothes, but I haven’t done laundry yet. So that excuse won’t fly. Please I beg you, if you see me eating, do everything you can to knock the food out of my hand. I am tempted to go and have my jaw wired shut. I am eating without even thinking about it. I look down and I have the remains of a cookie in my hand and crumbs all over my shirt and I don’t even remember buying a cookie! I could maybe even eat Thai food…that’s how out of control it’s getting.

I am like a cow out in a pasture just grazing all day long.

Chomp, chomp, chomp.

James Blunt

James Blunt was in the office this morning and it was complete and total chaos. C-H-A-O-S! People were trying to sneak in to see him like crazy. My favorite moment was a power struggle with a guy who sort of works for the station and Francie, the executive assistant to the general manager, which resulted in a pretty good smack down. Today’s lesson learned was that you don’t mess with Francie.

I’m not a fan or anything of James so I have trouble wrapping my brain around the cult of celebrity surrounding him, but let me tell you…this guy has some crazy fans. It was wacko crowd patrol all morning.

When he arrived I was surprised how small he is. He’s a little guy. Not as tiny as Kenny Chesney, but small nonetheless. He was quiet and quickly went to the studio performance space.

It is always interesting to see how celebrities carry themselves when they come into the studio. Some are really outgoing and friendly (Jessica Simpson), some are really egotistical (P.Diddy/Puff Daddy/Sean Combs), and others just kind of slip in and out without much fanfare like James Blunt today.

On his way out, he did stop at my desk and say “Cheers.” For a minute I thought of singing the chorus of “You’re Beautiful” but decided against it at the last minute. He doesn’t seem to be the sort to appreciate the humor in it….and I don’t feel like getting fired today.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do, '
Cause I'll never be with you.

all roads

driving in the rain
on a sunday afternoon
the mind tends to wander
sometimes i think too much
i know i do
almost a personality flaw

staring out on the road
thinking where i’ve been
and where i’m going
not just today
but yesterday and tomorrow
as well

traffic backed up for miles
no reason why
just is
like so much else in life
no reason why
just is

exit 94
and backtrack
i find myself
driving highway 10
for the first time ever
from st. cloud to the twin cities

hours earlier at brunch
for my dad’s birthday
my sister and i talked
of living in champlin
when we were little
over french toast and omelets

conversation of youth
and my obsession of e.t.
reese’s pieces lined my windowsill every night
i wanted an alien of my own
more than anything in the world
i still do, i guess

now as i traveled
on highway 169 south
i found myself back in
champlin
first time since 1984
face to face with the past unexpectedly

23 years have gone by
i didn’t bother looking for our old house
on george street
i’d never find the where we lived
no matter how hard i’d try
so much has changed

the rain falls steady
when i am quiet
my mind often returns
to thoughts of my mom
and all that went wrong
over those fourteen months

in the hospital
near the end
i was beyond an emotional train wreck
devastated to the core of my being
to some degree i still am
parts will never heal

as i was still praying for a miracle
my mom looked at me and said
“if you want you can buy the burial plot next to me,
unless you would rather end up somewhere else.”
the thought of it never crossed my mind
before

i did buy the cemetery plot
without hesitation
an odd purchase at the age of 30
now no matter which roads i take in life
i know where they will ultimately end
oakland cemetery, little falls, Minnesota

the irony of it all
i’ve spent so much of my life
trying to escape that small little town
now by choice
i will return
for all of eternity

it’s oddly freeing
in the strangest sense
to know where you will be laid to rest
when the sun sets on your final day
eventually
all roads lead home

Crazy Pills

So I went to the doctor again this morning. Second clinic visit in two weeks. I’ve had a cough for over 5 weeks that I simply cannot get rid of. I am going to lose my mind. I think I am dying. I really do.

I decided to go to a different doctor this time since the last one was a quack of epic proportions. At the first visit Dr. Lowell spent more time yelling at me for buying over the counter medication because as he put it “all you are doing is sending over paid executives on fancy vacations by buying medicines that don’t work at all.” Then he thumped my chest a little and told me that it will probably last a few more weeks unless it turns into pneumonia.

Now the second doctor decides to put me on steroids since he is convinced that my lungs are inflamed. He doesn’t do an x-ray or anything like that…oh no…just decides that it’s not pneumonia or anything else…just inflamed lungs.

He starts off by recommending that I drink hot tea or have a bowl of soup every hour. Yes, every hour. Apparently that will thin the crap in my lungs and I will be able to cough more of it up. I don’t want to cough anything up. I just want to take a pretty little pill and have it all go away…magically…like real medicine does. No more coughing, no more mucus, no more anything. Magic.

Then he looks at me and starts to explain the dosage and whatnot about the steroids. After some rambling he looks at me and says “They will probably mess with your mind. You will either be really happy or really sad or even totally wired. So try to keep that in mind if you decide you want to jump off a bridge. It will only last two weeks.” I just sat there looking at him, trying to figure out if this is really happening or if it’s just a bizarre dream. Then he continues with “and you will probably gain weight. A lot of people gain weight when they take this medication.” What the hell. I just want to stop coughing. But, here’s the kicker…I need to come back in if it’s not better in two weeks because then it’s probably pneumonia. Can’t we just do an x-ray and rule it out for good?

So everyone has been warned. If my behavior turns erratic don’t worry, in two weeks it will be over. Most importantly if you see a really fat version of me standing on a ledge acting crazy, please pull me back to safety. I really don’t want to jump…it’s just my meds.

Let the crazy begin.

tidbits

*Rihanna was in the studio yesterday and nobody told me. How angry am I? Very. I love her song “Umbrella”. Apparently that fact was lost on everyone despite the fact that I sing the song all day every day at the front desk. “You can stand under my umbrella, Brella, Brella, Eh, Eh.” It is going to be awhile for that wound to heal.

*Jennifer Hanson (an up and coming country star) came into the studio today to perform. I requested she sing “Umbrella”. She said she didn’t know it. I was disappointed. I told her to look into it because it’s gonna be a big hit. For those of you who don’t know who Jennifer is…she wrote the song “Leave the Pieces” that was released by The Wreckers. Jennifer has an album coming out very soon. She’s good…even though she doesn’t know “Umbrella”. A country version of “Umbrella” could be excellent. Can you hear me Tim and Faith? Think about it.

*I am still sick. I am going to the doctor tomorrow. I think I am dying. Everyone else thinks I am crazy. We will see who wins that bet. I need to get better as soon as possible so I can start performing again. I can’t get up on stage and cough for the whole act. Ugh.

*Work is driving me crazy. The phones just will not stop ringing today. I just look at the phone and think what would Carrie Underwood do? Then I take a deep breath and sing “Jesus take the switchboard. Take it from my hands. Cause I can't do this on my own. I'm letting go. So give me one more chance. To save me from this caller that’s on hold. Jesus take the switchboard.”

*I still laugh every time I think about the youtube video of Faith Hill yelling at that crazy fan that grabbed Tim’s package during the concert. I love the fact that Faith never breaks the rhythm of the song when yelling at the woman and then jumps right back into the song with a hearty “Here we go…”. It’s awesome. Check it out. I want it on DVD.

*Tonight I am going to watch the re-run of “Last Comic Standing”. I hope it’s good. I missed it last night because of Paula’s birthday dinner. I did end up watching re-runs of “Flipping Out”. That show rocks. I love it. They are all beyond insane. Much better than the disappointment of “Hey Paula”. That show was just plain bad. But, I did like her hissy fit over having to wear her tight jeans on the airplane.

*At dinner last night Paula took my side over the whole Thai food ordeal from New York City. Becca still thinks it’s ok because I said “it’s fine” three times. Paula said that she simply knows better than to even offer Thai food as a suggestion to begin with. She then said that she knows I wouldn’t even want to watch people eat Thai food. Paula knows me so well. I “heart” Paula.

*Alisha, one of the bright spots at work, just told me that Friday is going to be her last day. I hate this. But, she wants to be a nurse. Good for her. Maybe she can help figure out why I keep coughing. Seriously I am sick. I will miss Alisha though.

*I’m hungry. No shocker there though. I am always hungry.

*On CNN they are running the story of a teacher kidnapping a student for sex. I was not that lucky in school. Dammit. And on that note…I am going home.

SHAMELESS - 2002

Five years ago in 2002 I took part in the Minnesota Fringe Festival for the very first time. I performed my one man show “Shameless” and it was an event I will never forget for many reasons. The first being it was my Twin Cities premiere, the second being I got great reviews, and third I learned a lesson that sometimes it’s not good to make off-the-cuff smartass remarks to the newspaper reporter. Because, as it turns out, they will probably be printed and in the end make you look like a complete idiot.

I remember vividly standing in Rainbow Foods in Plymouth with Jen (my roommate at the time) and flipping open the newspaper to the arts section in the St. Paul Pioneer Press. There I was…an article and photo of me on stage performing. Exciting! How awesome is that? Then I started to read the article. I stood there in shock. All of my stupid remarks were printed as actual quotes. Some of which I have never been able to live down. I guess I am always good for a sound bite or two. So here it is, the article in it's enterity as it ran in the newspaper…enjoy.


Novices Take Steps to the Fringe.
'Low risk and high anxiety' as stage artists prepare for spotlight.
by MATT PEIKENSt. Paul Pioneer Press, August 4, 2002

Most performers regard the big time as a stage in New York. For Jason Schommer, who has conquered every stage in Little Falls, Minn., Minneapolis is big enough for now. .

"Back home, I'm kinda like the local boy who made good. Here, I'm a nobody," Schommer said Saturday afternoon, a half-hour before making both his Twin Cities and Minnesota Fringe Festival debuts.

His one-man show, essentially a set of standup comedy he's calling "Shameless" is among more than 130 productions on the Fringe schedule. Shows run through Aug. 11 at 17 venues in downtown and Uptown Minneapolis.

The 28-year-old Schommer stood alone inside a quiet Brave New Workshop, scanned the empty seats and said, "I'm gonna go to the bathroom, put on some Chap Stick and pray people come."

The Fringe Festival, in its ninth season, attracts a handful of seasoned playwrights and performers but is largely for novice artists and experimental shows. Audiences go in hoping for gems while armed with a tolerance for duds. Schommer and other performers see the Fringe as an important baby step in their creative evolutions.

At Old Arizona Studios, 23-year-old choreographers Galen Treuer and Ann Willemssen presented "See Jane Dance," their first dance outside of Oberlin College in Iowa, where both graduated in 2001.

"It's low-risk and high-anxiety," Willemssen said of the Fringe. "At Oberlin, you got to know the audience pretty well. The same people see you over and over again. Here, we don't know if people will like it or think it's funny. We don't even know if they'll show up."

Willemssen and Treuer opened their show to any dancer willing to perform. They wound up with a small group of young women with a range of experience, from ballet and modern dance work to someone who had only practiced yoga.

Backstage at their Fringe debut Saturday afternoon, dancers stretch, laugh and talk-and-walk their way through some steps. Willemssen hands each dancer a yellow rose as a gift. Everyone forms a circle with the choreographers and holds hands.

"Eye contact," one dancer says.

"Make them love you," adds another.

"Be a little sassy," Treuer says.

"And have fun, you guys, no matter what," Willemssen beams. "Even if you screw up."

Further up Nicollet Avenue, at the Red Eye Collaboration, Michelle Elliott and James Lekvin seem relaxed and cavalier 15 minutes away from the opening of "When Pop Stars Attack." This is their fifth year of presenting a new musical at the Fringe, and the co-writers say they can only fail through caution.

"Anything goes in the Fringe, and audiences are coming for the sheer community of it," Elliott said. "Being wild and creative is the thrill of it. If something doesn't work, at least we tried it." Back at the Brave New Workshop, the technician gives Schommer the 5-minute cue.

"Oh, God, you're about to watch a train derail," Schommer says. "Is anybody out there?"

"Oh, yeah," the tech says. "But they're all sitting in the back."

"Oh, well, it's like that in Little Falls, too," Schommer says before stepping up to peek through the curtain. "I see 15 people who hopefully want a good show."

He opens some pieces of paper -- his loose script -- and draws Xs through large chunks of text. The tech speaks to Schommer through an intercom: "Places." Schommer turns to the curtain and exhales.

"O.K., it's magic time."


**NOTE: Personally my two favorite remarks are the ones about going to the bathroom to put on chap-stick and that it’s magic time. What was I thinking? Cripes.**

and i sing....

I sang. I sang in front of others. I didn’t die. More importantly no one else died either. I want some badges of honor to wear proudly. I deserve them.

I have been taking the performance track improv classes at Brave New Workshop this past year and now have finally come to the final class…music. Basically it’s the same as regular improv scenes except that you sing everything. Everything. Nothing is spoken in the scene. If it was real life instead of talking through out the day you would sing what you are expressing. For example…if I was doing music improv at work I would pick up the phone and sing “Good Morning, how may I help you?” “Uh huh.” “Oh yeah.” “Hold please, while I look up that extension.” “Good bye…and thank you for calling.” Now it could be done in the style of rock, pop, or maybe even a pretty Celine Dion-esque ballad. Actually now that I think about it…it would probably be a sad ballad. After all, who is happy to be at work? Even if you love your job, there is probably some other place you would rather be than sitting in your cubicle. So yeah, sad tormented ballad it is.

Now I was terrified of this class, I’ve been dreading it all year. I almost bailed about a million times on Thursday. I am not a singer, nor do I pretend to be. I usually only sing in public if I am drunk or…well…there is no or. It’s usually because I am drunk. There were 6 of us in the class along with the musical director and Katy (our instructor). I was in the last duo to perform. I survived. It wasn’t that bad. The music was actually a huge help since it ended up dictating the emotional core of scene. It’s a huge gift in the moment because it gives you a leaping off point. Our scene ended up being that of a young couple madly in love who met each other over the internet. We had a riot.

There it is. I stepped way outside of my comfort zone. I do mean way outside. So far outside, in fact, that had I turned around and looked back I would have never even seen my comfort zone. And that, people, is far. Way far.

But the oddest thing is that I had a blast doing it. I really had fun. Who cares if I can’t sing. It doesn’t matter. It’s just about having a great scene. I am actually looking forward to class now. This is a big change after the ordeal known as “The Harold”. Ugh, that class bit the big one. I didn’t even know if I wanted to do improv anymore after that ordeal. But, now I have found the joy in it again and that is a great feeling.

In a few weeks I will be singing on stage in front of an audience at Six Ring Circus. Say your prayers.

So if you talk to me and I am singing my little fat heart out, don’t be alarmed. I am just practicing. Sit back and enjoy it. It’s “Life: The Improv Musical!”

I said my name's not Crisco. No, No, No.

Crisco and Me!

*By the way, I'm on your right*

At work there is a guy on the morning show by the name of Crisco. He’s the show’s loose canon. Crisco pretty much does any and all stunts that Dave can think of. These stunts can range from naked hugs with the show’s producer, tormenting store employees, eating cheese whiz off someone’s rear end. You name it and Crisco has pretty much done it. Last fall he got into a lot of trouble for allegedly starting the dumpster on fire by accident after a show’s stunt by not thinking and throwing hot bar-b-que coals into it. The police and fire department were called out to the building. It was a mess. So that Halloween I dressed up as Crisco and I made it look like my desk’s garbage can was on fire. It was pretty good. I was a big hit at the office over that one.

Now the bad part is that people come in to work and they think I am Crisco. I know, I know…a bitter pill indeed. I cringe when people look at me and think that they saw me naked on the radio station’s website. Literally I die a little death each time. Some listeners are really disappointed to find out that I’m not him and others simply refuse to believe that I am not Crisco.

So here is a picture…proving once and or all that I am not Crisco and forever ending the great debate that I am him. I never had physical proof before. Much like how we never see Michael and Janet Jackson in the same photo. But, now I have it! Behold the evidence that I am not Crisco.

Anyways here we are. I took this photo at work when I saw that we were both wearing blue polo shirts on the same day. Pretty good, right?

So…Is Crisco my evil twin separated at birth? What do you think? Are we cuter than Mary Kate and Ashley Olson?

Awkward Moment #468

Last night Becca and I attend a Fringe Festival show. It wasn’t very good, but that’s beside the point, back on topic. While looking at the program Becca saw a name she recognized and was excited that he was there working in the technical booth. After the show, she said she wanted to stop and say hi to Sean. So we wander over to the tech booth, but I was more than ready to bail out of fear of running into any of the actors or producers and have that “it was fun (but it really sucked)” moment of awkwardness. Once at the booth I am horrified, no, make it beyond horrified, to see that it is Sean from my freshman year of college at Moorhead State University. I just don’t like him. What are the flipping odds that we would be in the same theatre at 10:30 on a Tuesday night in Minneapolis? Obviously the odds were not in my favor because now we were standing face to face.

Now, some of you may not know this, but in rather awkward situations where I am taken off guard I can get kind of icy. It’s true. I don’t try to be rude, but I am just not comfortable. I’m not always the most out-going and friendly person. I just have a hard time faking it sometimes. So while Becca stood there talking up a storm, I would do a half-hearted nod or smirk every so often. We parted ways with no vain attempts at the whole “let’s get together sometime” crap that people do and never mean it.

So we go downstairs and are in the hallway about to exit the building. As we walk to the door this was our conversation…

JASON: Well, that’s someone I never want to see again.
BECCA: Who? Sean?
JASON: Yeah, Sean.
*neither of us noticed Sean right behind us.*
SEAN: Ahh, you’re a jackass. I’m locking the door so you can’t get back in.
*we walk out the door and Sean locks it. *

Once outside the door Becca and I immediately doubled over laughing, I almost wet myself. Becca said that it was one of her favorite moments of the year. I could not believe that I was so clueless that Sean was directly behind us. Clearly I need to be more aware of my surroundings before I speak. But, at least I didn’t try to backpedal or make a joke out of it. I meant it and it’s ok that he knows it, right? They were my words and I own them. So there it is. My nice guy reputation is now soiled. Damn it. I’m a jackass.

Jesus Christ vs. Mickey Mouse

Every now and again I am really struck by something that is so bizarre that it truly leaves me speechless. I was watching TV at work this morning (yes, you read that right. I have a TV a few feet from my desk in the lobby) and on CNN News they ran a story about “The Holy Land Experience Theme Park” in Orlando, Florida recovering from a financial loss. Yes, it’s real. Google it for the weblink if you think I am lying.

As I sat in my chair watching the footage of this theme park, I tried to think of the last time I’ve seen something so odd. I failed. I cannot think of anything that beats this. The footage included scenes of re-enactments of Jesus preaching to the masses, Jesus walking through the streets, Jesus being crucified on the cross. Yeah, that’s right…crucified. Apparently there are “shows” throughout the day that re-enact moments in biblical history. How weird would it be to have that job? Imagine that conversation at a dinner party…

SCENE: A PARTY IN A CONDO IN ORLANDO.
Party Host: “So what do you for a living?”
Actor playing Jesus: “Uh…I’m Jesus and I’m crucified every day at 6 PM.”
Party Host: Oh my God!”
Actor Playing Jesus: “Yeah, that’s what I say. But, don’t worry I rise from the dead at 7 PM every day Monday through Saturday.”
Party Host: “Neat. So can you turn my water into wine?”

I’m sure that actor must have a super sized ego. WOW. Could you imagine a few years down the road when he is in the some terrible dinner theatre production of “Cats” in Iowa…just sitting there licking his paws on the edge of the floating tire thinking “I used to be someone. I used to be Jesus.”

But my favorite scene in the footage was that of a woman getting her picture taken with Moses and the stone tablets. She was so over the moon giddy to see Moses that it was really funny. I wonder who the most popular character is to get your picture taken with? Is it Moses? Or how about Herod, Mary, or maybe even Cain and Abel? Maybe one of the Apostles? Do you think Judas is over in the corner mad that no one wants a picture with him? That would bite to be that actor…

SCENE: THE JERUSALEM STREET MARKET AT "HOLY LAND EXPERIENCE".
A Mom: “So who are you?”
Actor playing Judas: “I’m Judas. Ummm…I betray Jesus every day at 3 PM”.
Kids: “Boo! Hiss! Boo! You suck!”
Mom: “Kid’s get away from Judas right now!”
Tattletale Kid: “Mom, Jenny’s a traitor. She hugged Judas!”
Mom: “Jenny! Get over here now! Some sins cannot be washed off!”
Smartass Kid: “Hey Judas, how’s it hangin?”

I wonder if Judas has to have security guards around him to keep from being beat up or stoned to death. I hope he gets paid well because that job would bite.

Some highlights at the park that I found include…

CALVARY GARDEN TOMB
Follow the Via Dolorosa, the road on which Christ carried the cross, to Calvary’s Garden Tomb. Spend time resting, praying, or reflecting on the meaning and significance of the empty tomb. Atop the hill stand the crosses of Gologtha, where Jesus was crucified and died for the sins of the world.

DEAD SEA QUMRAN CAVES
This unique land mass is a replica of the desert caves where the Dead Sea Scrolls were discovered by a shepherd boy in 1947. West of the Dead Sea and south of Jericho, these caves may have been home to a Jewish sect known as the Essenes.

JERUSALEM STREET MARKET
When you pass through our city gate, you will travel back in time to an ancient land that is 2000 years old and 7000 miles away! In the street market of Jerusalem, browse the Middle Eastern market place, see the city well, begin a walking tour of the Experience, and interact with Jerusalem’s own street merchants.

Plus there are other sights including The Great Temple, Reflecting Pool, The Scriptorium, Wilderness Tabernacle, KidVenture, and so much more!

The dining options are a riot.

A day at The Holy Land Experience will satisfy your spiritual appetite, but there's no need to ignore your physical hunger!

ROYAL PORTICO EATERY
Featuring hot, smoked turkey legs, delicious Edy's® ice cream, smoothies, and more. Take a break during your day and eat in the shadow of the beautiful and majestic Great Temple.

SIMEON’S CORNER
Located at the crossroads across from the Qumran Caves, stop by for a steaming foot-long hot dog, or a giant flavored pretzel, and grab something cold to drink.

Now I don’t want to be Debby Downer or anything but I highly doubt that Jesus ate foot long hotdogs or Edy’s Ice Cream. I’m just saying if we are going to do this right, let’s do it right. Could we maybe have some real food that they would have eaten? Such as maybe bread, fish, olive oil or honeycomb. Do you think they sell apples? Or is that still a sore subject?

My vacation for next summer is now planned.

Summer 2008. Destination: The Holy Land Experience Theme Park.

Anyone wanna come along? It will be good for you and your soul. Sure Disney is a lot of fun, but Mickey can’t get you through the pearly gates, now can he? Best of all it only costs $35 for an all day pass and $5 for parking. A cheap price for eternal salvation, don’t you think?

Orlando or bust.

i hate mondays

I hate Mondays.

First off, I was tying to do a page over the intercom for the longest time. Every time I would try to page the flippin’ phone would ring off the hook. Then I would hang up the page and go to answer the phone and it would then stop ringing. Finally, after a couple of times and many swear words it dawned on me that I was calling myself. There it is. I was calling myself and getting angry for hanging up before I could answer myself. At that moment I felt pretty dumb and realized that yes, I am nothing more than eyecandy at the front desk. Alli was at my desk when it happened the final time. I thought she was going to double over from laughing. It was beyond stupid.

Second, I completely and totally wiped out at my desk. I was in my chair over by the postage machine and I bent over to pick some paper up off the floor. My desk chair has wheels and flew out from under me and soared across the lobby. In my mind it felt like it was in slow motion. Now I am a big guy, so the reality of it was that I fell fast and furious. I freakin’ crashed hard. I think I dented the wood floor. I landed on my rear end and my elbow (which hurts like crazy). So I was sprawled out on the floor thinking what the hell just happened? Did the building collapse? Was it a terrorist attack? Did I finally die? Then I realized that I was lying on the floor in the lobby behind my desk and that I should probably get up before anyone comes through. The funniest part was the fact that once I crawled up off the floor I had to walk, yes walk, over to my chair. It landed that far from me. The chair was completely upside down with the it’s wheels spinning in the air. Just as I was getting to the chair one of my co-workers walked past, looked at the chair and then looked at me and said “Are you ok, buddy?”. Without even looking at him I just said “Keep walking.” and then went back to picking up my chair.

Now my body hurts. Everything is popping and cracking. Ouch. Only 15 more minutes until I can finally go home.

seventeen years

a friendship of 17 years
is rare in the world today
half my life
known by him
literally
only three lay claim to that title
of seventeen years
soon it will be two
i fear

now we are at a
crossroads
him and i
do we stay
and fix it once and for all
or simply walk away
and let it go once and for all
one way or another
from this point
it will not be the same
north east south or west
who knows the direction the wind will blow
i’m sorry or goodbye
hangs in the balance
friendships can be very fragile

not that it will be
simple
to walk away
it’s not easy to say goodbye
to someone who means so much
but sometimes you
need to do what you need to do
to be ok

but

to fix it
will not be simple
either
it will take work
and the willingness to risk being wronged
but sadly in the end
this
could all be in vain

an emotional coin toss

walk away now
or stay
and hope it’s not just a delay
of what you fear is inevitable

seventeen years
of
laughter and tears
sorrow and joy
fights and celebrations

seventeen years
of
milestones
confessions
coming out

seventeen years
of
life

you’ve been there through it all
you have seen the best of me
and the worst
and i of you as well
and most tragic of all
in the end i always thought it would be you

the damage done…

a call in the middle of the night
years ago
that i just can’t leave in the past
trust me i’ve tried and failed
but certain words i’ll carry with me forever
i cringe when touched
because of your careless actions

two years ago
in the darkest hours of my life
burying my mom
you were not there
you couldn’t be…not your fault
truthfully
my brain knows that
but my heart does not
it’s not ok and will never be
no way to ever right the wrong

no villain no hero
in this story
just two people
with a tragic combination of
too much said
and
too little said

insecure and insignificant
you make me
feel
i told you

your response = silence
just made it worse

attempts to talk
one done
two done
last chance
three strikes and you’re out
just rules of the game that you said this was
right?

seventeen long years
will there be an 18?

i honestly don’t know.

In The End, We Are All The Same.

I did go to the reunion after all. I figured that if nothing else I might get some new material for my next stand up comedy show. On my way to Little Falls I called my friend Nicole to make sure she was there and to feel out the situation. If Nicole wasn’t there, I would have skipped it for sure. I wanted to brace myself for the worst. Well, as it turns out she was there and she said it was relatively calm. Nicole and I were great friends in school, but we also moved in different circles. She was much, much more popular than I was. So her friends weren’t my friends at all. But, I did want to see her, so if nothing else, that would be worth the trip alone. She said was it was good, and it was. I ended up having a great time. Who would have thought?

Once inside I was shocked to find how everyone seemed so grown up and regular. There was no fighting, no snarky remarks being made, no drama over who did what, no separation of people into their usual cliques. Nothing. Just a room full of adults catching up about the years gone by. It was surreal for being so ordinary. People seemed genuinely interested in how others were doing, even if they had never been friends before. I spent most of the night talking to people that at our graduation had I been told I would eventually talk to, I would have died laughing. Honestly, it was like talking to distant relatives. You have a connection, but no real ties that bind. 99 percent of my friends were the class above or the class behind mine, so I had nothing to really talk about as far as the good old days, it was all just conversation about currents events in our lives. It was interesting to say the least to see how people ended up. We all have gone through the same things. Work, school, hopes, dreams, life and death.

The ten year reunion was a train wreck. Clearly enough years had not passed to let go of all the baggage and drama. But, at 15 years people finally grew up and just let it go. Unexpectedly it wasn’t really all that important anymore to see the class jock be fat and bald or to hear that the most popular girl of the class is now beyond miserable and broke and living a horrible life. In some strange way it helped me to go and see my former classmates again after all these years. I feel like a lot of the negativity of high school that I have been holding onto was let go of by the end of the night. What good has it done me? None. Just unnecessary stress in the end. Now, don’t get me wrong, it’s not like we are all life long friends or anything. That’s certainly not the case. I really have no intention of seeing them again until the next reunion. But, I don’t view them with such disgust and contempt as I once did. People and events are seen from a much different perspective now. The power they had to make me feel a certain way is gone. They are just people, really no different from me. No better, no worse. I guess everyone has matured, myself included.

Truth be told, I am kind of looking forward to the 20 year reunion. Thinking about it is weird. I will almost be 40. F-O-R-T-Y! I have 5 years to get skinny.

“Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion” this was not. Real life is nothing like the movies. And that is ok.

The Years Go By...

Tonight is my 15 year class reunion. I cannot believe I just typed those words. Little Falls Community High School Class of 1992. Go Flyers! Where did the time go? 15 years ago I was wearing a purple graduation cap and gown. I was sitting in the middle of the Flyer Field on a really hot day listening to some speakers give advice on how to live the rest of our lives. I don’t remember a word they said. Clearly they were captivating speakers who deeply influenced my future. On one hand it feels like yesterday, on the other if feels like ten lifetimes ago.

So I am totally and completely sitting on the fence about attending. I don’t have overly fond memories of high school. It wasn’t terrible, but it wasn’t great either. I am not one of those people who looks back at those years and thing they were the best of my entire life. But, I am also not one of those people that has yearbook photos with pins sticking out of people’s eyes (although I should be). Truth be told, most of my friends are either a year older or a year younger than me. I don’t know most of my classmates. I stopped by our 10 year reunion and I was shocked to see just how few names of people I did remember. I was lost in a sea of strangers. I only stayed for half an hour.

Do I go?

Do I skip it?

Tough call. On one hand I do want to see how people turned out. Who got fat? Who got skinny? Who is miserable? Who is happy? Who got married? Who is divorced? Who is a raging tramp? Who found Jesus? Who is an exotic dancer at the strip club down the highway? Who’s been in jail or prison? So many questions that do beg to be answered.

15 years. Cripes.

Day 10 – Minneapolis. Sunday, July 15th, 2007. The End.

The morning got off to a rocky start as I was extremely overtired and still not feeling well. Becca and Tyler just kept nitpicking at me and it was making me crazy. At one point in the chaos of getting out of the hotel I just looked at them and said “Seriously, leave me alone. You two are making me %$#&*!@ crazy.” That didn’t go over well. Truthfully I was about to have a fit of epic proportions. I don’t know why people just don’t leave me along when I’m in a bad mood. It always goes like this. Pick, pick, pick, and explode. Damn. It worked though, they left me alone to slowly ease into the day despite the chaos. At the airport we slowly started talking again and it was fine. That’s the one benefit with friends that you have known so long…you have a spat, you get over it quickly, life goes on.

The plane ride seemed to take forever! I get really antsy on planes. Not scared or anything, I just want off. I start to get really buggy knowing that I am stuck in the place. The same thing happens when I am in a car for a really long time (just ask Becca about our road trip to Chicago to see Madonna).Once we finally landed in Minneapolis I realized that the vacation of a lifetime has come to it’s conclusion.

It’s over.

Day 9 – New York City. Saturday, July 14th, 2007.

I fell asleep for a little while only to be woken up by a loud overhead announcement saying that it was time to disembark the ship. WTF? I could not believe it. It was like a freakin’ nightmare. I just wanted to sleep. Not to mention the fact that I was still flipping drunk. No real warning, no nothing. Just a quick everyone…get off the ship. We completely missed sailing back into New York City, missed docking and everything. After a few frantic minutes of scrambling and being yelled at by Tyler, we were walking down the ramp off the ship for the last time. I just kept thinking to myself “please God, don’t let me puke.” The heat was terrible and the humidity was worse. The city smelled nasty. I just wanted to fall over and die. It was horrendous. As we were just about to exit the terminal we crossed paths with Alec Mapa and it was nice to be able to say goodbye. He’s a great guy and I look forward to seeing him on “Ugly Betty” this fall (tune in everyone!). The roar of the city made me cringe. New York City is last place on Earth that you want to be when you are hung-over.

Tyler and Becca went to get “Wicked” tickets and I crashed in the lobby of the hotel. And by crashed, I mean passed out. It was terrible. I just remember waking up later on and seeing Becca and Tyler sitting by me talking. Hummm. The took a photo of it. Great friends, huh?

So they went to “Wicked” because Tyler won the ticket lottery and they only sell pairs of tickets. I had already seen the show, so I had no problem skipping it and crashing in the hotel room. I was not only a weird combination of drunk and hung-over, but I was also nauseous beyond explanation. I kept feeling like I was going to tip over and that the floor was rocking. I had zero problems on the ship, but now that I was back on dry land I was screwed. I found myself constantly rocking when I would sit, while walking down the hall I would crash into the wall, and when standing still I would need to grab on to something solid to keep upright. It was the craziest sensation ever. I suppose that it was what people with vertigo must feel like. It was nasty. I feel bad now for laughing when Kristin would have her vertigo episodes and need to cling to the office furniture because she was going down for the count. Not so funny anymore. To all you people courageously living with vertigo…I feel your pain…grab on and hold tight!

Now for dinner I was a little crabby, I will admit. We kept debating on where to eat. Becca and Tyler are two of the most indecisive people in the world. Sometimes I get tired of always running the show, so I flat out refused to offer any suggestions. We ended up going to some Thai food restaurant for dinner. I just had a bowl of plain white rice. One reason being that I was still sick beyond description and the second being that I hate Thai food. Me hating Thai food is clearly a concept that is still lost on my friends after 17 and 11 years of friendship. I sometimes really do wonder if any of my friends truly know me at all. Now, I could have said no way. I understand that. But, I was so annoyed for them even suggesting it that I took a passive-aggressive route. So I sat through dinner in stony silence and tried to keep from throwing up and going ballistic on my friends. I just get so tired of having to go over the same things with people over and over and over. I have not had chicken since 1990 when we had to discrete chicken wings in science class. Completely and totally gross. Ruined chicken for me for the rest of my life. I have not had chicken in 17 years. I don’t make an issue of it at meals. I just pass on the chicken when it makes it’s way around the table. My dad is still shocked every time I don’t take chicken and asks me when did I stop eating it. 17 years ago, Dad…17 years ago. So the fact that we are at a Thai food restaurant to begin with just made me bonkers.

On the way back to the hotel I said that I wanted to pack up all my stuff but Becca said she wanted to do some shopping and walk around a little bit. I prefer New York City at night. It’s a lot cooler and more fun. So we parted ways and did our own thing. Tyler went with Becca which I was happy about. Once they got back to the hotel I bailed and hit the city on my own. After 9 days I finally hit my breaking point. I didn’t want to talk to them anymore. I didn’t want to look at them anymore. I didn’t want to hear them anymore. I just wanted to be left alone. 8 days just fine with no real problems. 9 days turned out to be one day too many. So I walked up and down the streets, did some shopping, found some new cd’s, and went to Carnegie Deli. Carnegie Deli was one of my mom’s favorite spots in New York City. I think she loved their cheesecake more than she loved me. Seriously. I have this great picture of her from when she went to see my sister and they went to Carnegie Deli. I never got the chance to go there with her (my sister took the picture, not me). Sometimes people are gone before you get the chance to do or say everything you want to. I didn’t anticipate getting upset by being at Carnegie Deli, but I was wrong and it caught me off guard. I miss my mom a great deal and I now fully understand that, unfortunately, it’s a wound that will never heal. I just sat there, ate my sandwich and giant slice of cheesecake and then walked back to the hotel.

At the hotel I was in no mood to talk. I had hoped that they would have been sleeping, but they were watching a movie. So I just quickly showered and went to bed. I was more than ready to be home at that point. It’s been a great trip and I wouldn’t trade a second of it, but once I stepped off the boat, I just wanted to be home.

Sharon Glese and Me!

Day 8 – At sea. Friday, July 13th, 2007. PICTURES.

Judy Gold and me.

Esra and me.

Euan Morton and me.

Day 8 – At sea. Friday, July 13th, 2007. PICTURES.

The Voice Over Class - Becca and Bob.

Susan and me!

Dinner with friends. Becca, me, Tyler, Ross, Gaye, Bob, Scott.

Day 8 – At sea. Friday, July 13th, 2007.

It’s the last full day on the ship and I am blown away by how quickly the week has gone. I am also a little delirious from getting about a total of 5 hours of sleep this whole week. I think the only thing that kept me going and prevented me from having a total fit was the fact that this was a trip of a lifetime and I was convinced that I was going to have a good time, come hell or high water.

After breakfast we went to the voice over class that Bob Bergen was teaching. Bob is the voice of Porky the Pig and other characters such as Tweety and Marvin the Martian. We had met Bob at Alec Mapa’s stand up comedy show and he’s a really great guy. Becca got up and did a hilarious voice as one of the cartoon characters. I don’t remember the name, but she was this sort of German / Austrian maid for this little monster kid. She really rocked it out. It was hysterical. Becca is great at doing funny voices and could seriously have a career doing voice-over work if she wanted to. Bob was pretty impressed with her and she was the hit of the class. Ross joined us for the class for a little bit but he sadly missed Becca’s performance. After class we ran into Susan Powter. I asked her if I could get a picture with her. She looked at me and said “I’d be offended if you didn’t.” So we took the photo. Scary. Honestly I think Susan had a little bit of a crush on me. I think she looked at me as her greatest test ever and she was definitely up to the challenge.

We headed to lunch and all hung out for a little while longer. After lunch, we all made plans to have a final dinner together that night at the Venation and then to go and see the final show “Annie the Concert” starring Andrea McArdle as Annie and Rosie as Miss Hannigan. On our way back to the room we hit the chocolate buffet. I have never seen so much chocolate in my entire life. Cake after cake after cake. Chocolate everywhere. It was crazy. It was decadent. It was heaven. Looking back I am shocked that I did not gain weight on this trip. Some how I never gained a pound. Insane. It must have been the yoga.

We (Becca, Tyler, Scott, Bob, Ross, his mom, and I) all met at the Venation and dinner was a riot. The food was good and the conversation was great. Many laughs were shared and it was so nice to just sit and talk and enjoy everyone’s crazy stories. I honestly don’t do that enough in real life. I need to find the time to reconnect with people and just be with them and not have to be doing anything big or insane. A simple conversation can go a long way in a friendship. Everyone ordered a great dessert, but Ross ended up getting one of the worst tasting and looking desserts I have ever seen in my life. Ross passed it around so everyone could share in the disappointment. Misery does love company.

After dinner we left to ready for the evening show and met later at the doors and waited in line. We shot up to the balcony to get some great seats for the show. “Annie the Concert” was unbelievable. It was incredible. To see Andrea reprise the role that made her a star was phenomenal and Rosie brought the house down as Miss Hannigan. A roaring standing ovation from the audience closed the show. As the lights stayed dark a screen was lowered and we were treated to a home movie that Rosie had made of the trip. It was a wonderful recap on a week of amazing memories and it started to sink in that the cruise was coming to an end.

We decided to visit one of our familiar haunts…yes, you guessed it, the Dazzles Lounge for karaoke. We spent the night laughing at Ed and his obsession over the XM Radio 70’s station. Ross sang “That’s What Friends Are For”, Becca hit the mic with “Brandy”, and Tyler rocked out Nsync’s “Bye Bye Bye”. I got up and joined Ed and his family on a rousing rendition of “Sugar, Sugar”. Ok, I lip-synced…but whatever. Don’t judge me, I’m not a singer nor do I pretend to be one. After hours of karaoke, we hit the piano bar and caught some improvised songs by Andrea McArdle and the other Broadway performers. After more drinks at the piano bar we headed up to Spinnaker’s Lounge. Now, at this point, I clearly had too much to drink. Did anyone cut me off? Oh no…because a drunk Jason is a fun Jason, right? Ugh. There are things I remember. There are things I don’t remember. There are things I wish I didn’t remember. And, most importantly there are things I pray that no one remembers. Now I’m not a sloppy drunk or anything. I am just a smartass drunk and I completely mess with people. After hours of drinking Tyler wanted to crash but I was still ready to rock the night. I walked with him back to the room and along the way I sang “And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going” from the musical “Dreamgirls”. Yes, nothing is sexier then seeing a drunk, overweight, white guy singing the strong black woman anthem of all time. Some people did think Jennifer Hudson was on board and were shocked to see that it was just me. I also stopped to do some impressive dance shows for the security cameras. I am just waiting to see the footage of that pop up on youtube. Tick tock…the clock is ticking, it’s just a matter of time. Ugh.

After trying to wake up Becca and get her to come and party (which was useless. It was like trying to wake a bear up from hibernation.) I ventured out on my own after making a promise to her and Tyler to stay away from the railings on the promenade. Could you imagine? Schommer overboard! Well, I decided to go and write some emails. Some people are drunk dialers, I am a drunk emailer.

While sending drunken emails (sorry if you got one), this woman races past me in a rage. I yelled out to her to see what her problem was. Apparently she was with Sharon Glese and Sharon was having some computer problems and they weren’t getting resolved. The front desk was telling her that there was no computers working on the ship at that time and that there was no way for her to get into her email account. I looked at the woman and told her that I was in my email account and that my computer was just fine. That set her off even more. I then told her that if Sharon wanted to, she could come and use my computer account. She disappeared in flurry of motion and I went back to emailing. Next thing I know I see Sharon Glese hauling ass towards me. I had flashbacks to “Cagney and Lacey” when Cagney was making a bust. A sight I never thought I would see in real life. But, clearly this was the ship of dreams that come true. I got up and talked to her and told her how much I enjoyed her shows and then I helped her get into her email account. All the while, mind you, I am hammered. HAMMERED. Sharon then told me that she is on the new show “Burn Notice” and that she plays a supporting character of the crazy mother. I offered to write angry letters to the producers to get her more screen time. She encouraged me to do so. Then none of the pens would work because the tabletops were an odd texture. Sharon kept saying the tabletops were like cobblestone and she was upset because she needed to write down the phone number of the creators of “Queer as Folk” for their lunch meeting the next day. The only pen I could find was attached to a giant prize entry form box, so I just grabbed it and hauled the whole thing over to her. She just laughed but was happy to finally have a pen that worked. I had my picture taken with her and she hugged me and thanked me for helping her out and said that I was her saving grace. Sweet, huh?

Eventually I wandered back to the cabin. I remember looking out the window and seeing the sun coming up over the ocean and I thinking to myself “I am screwed. Today is going to suck big time.”

Day 7 – At Sea. Thursday, July 12th, 2007.

Daybreak came in a hurry. Nothing major planned for the day other than just some rest, relaxation and some shows. We got up and headed down to breakfast. Tyler was pretty quiet. I think he was suffering from too many drinks the night before. I spent the morning trying to dodge Susan Powter. I was afraid that she would drag me back to her yoga class. Susan means business, no two ways about it. She’s crazy, but I love her.

After breakfast we just strolled around the promenade and explored more of the ship. Now, there had been an engine problem so the ship was moving really, really, really slow. And by slow I mean not moving, just kind of floating. They had to cancel a half day at the island so we could get back to New York City on time. They never disclosed what the problem was. But, I will flat out deny having had anything to do with it. Any video footage of me sneaking out of the engine room with a toolbox and a bag of parts is clearly doctored and inaccurate. Personally I had no problem with the slowing of the ship. I could stay on that ship forever and be as happy as a clam (well, if I had Isabella with me, I would have been.). But, Becca on the other hand started to slip into panic mode. Becca’s favorite station on the TV was the ship’s stats station. All ship stats all day long. Ship’s speed, wind rate, swell height, and water temperature over footage from a camera looking out over the water. 24/7. Over and over and over. Never mind the fact that we are inches from the window in our room, we need to watch the water on TV. I thought I was going to lose my mind. When Becca slips into panic mode the only way to break her out of it is by slipping some pills into her drink without her knowing it. Unfortunately I didn’t have any pills to slip her, but had I been thinking clearly I would have snatched a bunch of Tyler’s Dramamine and just knocked her out for a little bit.

Later that afternoon, after yet another failed attempt at a nap, we headed down to the theatre to watch Judy Gold’s one woman show “25 Questions for a Jewish Mother”. It was amazing! If you ever get the chance to see it, go do it. Judy was a producer on “The Rosie O’Donnell Show” when I worked there years ago. She remembered me, so that was good. I didn’t feel like a crazed stalker. It was good to see her and we chatted a little bit about being stand up comics. She gave me some great advice, which I was thankful for. Now I just gotta put it into motion.

After spending the day eating, roaming around, and eating some more we went to the evening stand up comedy show by Jessica Kirson. I’m a big fan of her. I first saw her on Last Comic Standing and I rooted for her to win, but she didn’t. Which, in hindsight, is fine…no one that wins on that show really goes on to great things. Anyone even remember Dat Phan, the season 1 winner? Nope. Didn’t think you did. It’s usually the ones that lose on the show that have careers that explode. Jessica was out-of-this-world funny.

Once again we hit Dazzles Lounge and rocked the karaoke. The usual suspects were there. Ross, his mom, Ed, Trish, Tom and the rest of the gang. While Ross was singing he was accosted by a drunk girl. He was just standing there singing his little heart out and all of a sudden out of nowhere this drunk girl appeared and starts to dance around him and try to grind on him. He kept her at bay for awhile and then she wondered off. The sweet life of being a celebrity. You get attacked by drunk women at karaoke. The perks never end, I guess. After karaoke Becca turned in for the night. Becca’s wild nightlife usually ends around 10:30 PM or 11 PM if she is feeling especially crazy. So, the rest of us went down to the casino. Ross introduced me to Jessica and we spoke briefly about Last Comic Standing and about stand up comedy. She was hardcore into her card game (I think she was winning), so I didn’t want to bother her too much, and God forbid, cause her to lose. Then I looked over and saw Euan sitting at one of the other tables playing cards. Becca totally missed out. She has a little bit of a crush on him. And by “little” I really mean psycho crazy stalker fan crush. Too bad he doesn’t play for her team. But, hey…you snooze you lose…right? While she was dreaming of him, I was walking past him in real life.

Once things wrapped up at the casino we headed down to the Blue Lagoon to grab some chow. Jessica Kirson had the table in hysterics by calling every worker she saw Susan. I have no idea why she did it, but it was hilarious. “Excuse me, Susan. Can we order?”, “Umm, Susan. Can we get some more chicken strips?”, “Susan, we need another fork.” Funny stuff. Trust me. Ahh, good times.

After eating the 17th meal of the day we headed back to the cabin for yet one more attempt at rest. As I was walking I thought maybe tonight will be different and I will get some sleep. A boy can hope, right?