sometime around midnight

and it starts
sometime around midnight
or at least that’s when
you lose yourself
for a minute or two

at target
two little girls running
beyond excited
wearing brand new backpacks
excited for school in the fall

one girl
hardly bigger than her backpack
glowing
her sister
thrilled

i miss my youth
life was black and white
right and wrong
yes and no
now life is
gray
morally
emotionally
a line drawn and crossed
if i knew then what i know now….

i’ve been trying to lose weight
down a total of 41 pounds so far
fell off the wagon the past two weeks
still falling
food is a false comfort

tensions rampant
stress from every angle
drowning man without a life preserver

ruby
on style network
a real reality star – contradiction of terms
her goal is to get under 350 pounds
as she shrinks her soul
she radiates life

ruby says
“I thought maybe…just maybe someone could love me for me.”
my heart hopes for the same thing
i turn thirty-five in a few days
still hoping….

tomorrow i will
face the damage
inflicted upon myself
yet again
the scale never lies

i will try to forgive
and try again
one step forward
three stumbles backwards
and maybe along the way finally learn to love myself

mat kearney
a musical hero of mine
whom i have met three times now
i requested a song
he sang it
jewel did the same
“Thump Thump” in concert
my life is surreal in every sense of the word

how can i be so high
and so low
so happy
and so sad
at the same time?
there is no middle ground
i am a creature of extremes
always have been

a college professor once said to me…
“The dichotomy of your life is amazing. One day you are face down in a swamp. The next day you are in New York working for Rosie O’Donnell”

those words will stay with me for a lifetime

and you walk
under the streetlights
and your too drunk to notice
that everyone is staring at you
you don’t care what you look like
the world is falling
around you