Sunday, January 01, 2012

New Year's Day 2012

"My new years resolution: Never be afraid to be kicked in the teeth. Let the blood and the bruises define your legacy. - Lady Gaga 2012"

This is the year that I vow to be fearless in all that do. Here we go 2012. It is time to make things happen. And the journey begins in 5...4...3...2...1...

Saturday, October 08, 2011

all i ever wanted

2:11 am
alone in a hotel room
two thousand miles from home
minnesota las vegas
my nomadic life begins with a heart deeply rooted in the past

a dream come true
a break of a lifetime
beyond grateful
knowing you can’t go home again.

everything comes with a price
for every dream a pound of flesh
a piece of your soul
how much is one willing to pay
to get all they have ever wanted

making people laugh
while you struggle to find the comedy within
sadness comes like a wave
washing over you as you leave the stage
wanting the most what cannot be

rochester new york
i like this place
familiar in so many ways
it is the closest to home
that I have been
since I left

Thursday, January 14, 2010

My Holiday Letter 2009.

December 2009

Dear __________________ (insert your name here),

Season’s Greetings!

Well, I suppose I should start by acknowledging the elephant in the room and be done with it. As you can see, I’m not famous yet. My plan of “appearing on a reality talent show and wowing the audience with my singing (after being cruelly mocked by the judges) and then selling over 700,000 copies of my debut album in its first week of release” didn’t quite pan out. Susan Boyle beat me to the punch. Whatever Susan…you’re not the only one who can dream a dream. On to Plan B, which involves alcohol and a sex tape. *sigh*

As usual, employment at Clear Channel is interesting. I spend most of my day at work eating snacks, calling family long distance, talking smack about co-workers, and surfing the internet. It’s amazing how quickly I can click out of a Madonna fan website and into a spreadsheet in Excel when the boss passes by. Fingers of fire! Fortunately management is clueless. They don’t even realize that I don’t use Excel in my job duties as receptionist. Also, many of my co-workers refer to me as “eye-candy” which is inappropriate, but tolerable since they just look but don’t touch. A lot of crazy celebrities drifted through the office over the past 12 months including Lady GaGa (“Bad Romance” was written about our tryst.), Katy Perry (She referred to me as her “tiny dancer”. Oh Katy, you are so hot and cold.), Mat Kearny (No comment due to a restraining order.), Fall Out Boy (STD’s on legs.), Snow Patrol (Not as boring in person as their songs would lead you to believe.) among others (Big Kenny, John Rich, Kellie Pickler, Ludacris, Cobbie Caillet, Rob Thomas, The Fray, Adele, Jonas Bros.). So many restraining orders, so little time. Truth be told, 2009 wasn’t as star studded as previous years when we had Dolly Parton, Jewel, Jessica Simpson, Trisha Yearwood, Sugarland, P. Diddy, Simon LeBon, and the truly “friendly” Susan Vega (not really nice at all) come through. I guess the recession is hurting us all.

In an effort to become healthier in 2009, I made a real effort to lose some weight. I ended up losing 41 pounds. But then disaster struck and I tore a tendon in my right foot. Good thing I love to self-medicate. It’s amazing how many pills you can get for a Game Boy over at the elementary school. Those fifth graders sure like to wheel and deal. But, unfortunately, some of the weight has crept back on since the injury still has not healed. Life…one step forward, two steps back. Or should I say…Life…one trip forward, two limps back. Now, some of you may, or may not know, I’m a vegetarian. It’s challenging most days, since I don’t like vegetables and I’d rather have my limbs gnawed off my rabid hamsters than eat a salad. I’m more of a dairytarian. I like milk. I also enjoy cheese, ice cream, cottage cheese, ice cream, and cheese. I tried eating a salad in 2009 and my body revolted and panicked. Despite what I was telling myself, my body was convinced I was trying to commit suicide. While I didn’t die, I did feel much pain for about a week. My body is now suspicious of everything I eat. Once trust is destroyed, it’s hard to repair. Can I get an Amen up in here? Every time I see a lettuce leaf, I have terrible flashbacks like a Vietnam Vet from fighting in the war. I often find myself on the floor in the fetal position, shaking, sweaty, and yelling “Never again!” when I pass through the produce department at Cub Foods.

Another major accomplishment in 2009 was changing the break lights on my Ford Focus by myself (my dad was on the phone). I’m now thinking of opening my own auto-body shop. I think that “J’s Auto-Body Shop” has a unique and charming ring to it and I do look quite dashing in a pair of greasy overalls. Please don’t ask how I know this, just trust me that I do…it’s better this way.

In October I had a triumphant return to my hometown with my stand up comedy show “No Holds Barred”. We packed the room, had great laughs, and I saw many old friends again. But, the evening was not without controversy. An elderly couple got up and walked out about 15 minutes into the show. My guess is that they were disappointed that I was not one of the many acoustic musicians that normally play in that venue. The elderly couple probably realized that they were in trouble when they didn’t see a giant harp or a woman in a dirty hippie dress doing aboriginal throat singing. Or maybe they were mad that there was no Bingo tournament, meat raffle, or karaoke (all very popular up North). But, in any case, I clearly blame them. It’s no secret that everyone loves me, so I highly doubt it was my joke about running into a former classmate who is now a bi-sexual Pagan Wiccan Priestess at Coborn’s Supermarket. Last time I had seen her was at the St. Mary Church Youth Group meeting. So truth be told, the encounter at Coborn’s surprised me a great deal, and well, frankly, probably made Baby Jesus cry too.

In other awkward news, my six year old niece, Isabella, keeps asking me why I don’t have a girlfriend. She doesn’t connect the dots yet as to why I’m the “fun” uncle who likes to buy her Barbies, take her to “Mamma Mia”, and dance with her in the front row at the Miley Cyrus concert. If you aren’t able to connect the dots after reading that sentence either, just know that I’m very much in love with a special lady that I met online who lives in Canada. Miguel, my 18 month old nephew, loves to dance to Beyonce. I have a feeling we will have a lot in common down the road. All the single babies…put your hands up!

No official comment on the rest of the family. They have banned me from speaking about them publicly after my last stand up comedy show in Little Falls. The family took issue with me telling the world about some of their rather stupid blunders such as the time my dad electrocuted himself, or Melissa’s epic holiday meltdown the other year, and Jeremy’s infamous brush with the law (let’s just say the law won). Just know that they are mostly well.

Upon examining my life, I’ve come to the conclusion that I lead a very strange existence. I have decided to collect all the stories of my life over the years and commit them to paper. I’m sure most of you will stop speaking to me once this project is finished since I think changing names and events to protect the guilty is tacky. Be warned, I will name names proudly. Thus, at this time in 2010, I predict I will be rather lonely. Such is the price one pays in the quest for fame. But, I’m sure we will reconnect down the road when most of you resurface while I’m living large in Hollywood and you are suing me for all I’m worth.

In closing, I think 2009 can be summed up best by a lyric from Britney Spear’s colossal hit CIRCUS, “I’m like a firecracker, I make it hot.”

Wishing you all the best. From my heart to yours…Happy Holidays! And, yes, just so you know…everything in this letter is true. Every word.


Sunday, July 12, 2009

sometime around midnight

and it starts
sometime around midnight
or at least that’s when
you lose yourself
for a minute or two

at target
two little girls running
beyond excited
wearing brand new backpacks
excited for school in the fall

one girl
hardly bigger than her backpack
her sister

i miss my youth
life was black and white
right and wrong
yes and no
now life is
a line drawn and crossed
if i knew then what i know now….

i’ve been trying to lose weight
down a total of 41 pounds so far
fell off the wagon the past two weeks
still falling
food is a false comfort

tensions rampant
stress from every angle
drowning man without a life preserver

on style network
a real reality star – contradiction of terms
her goal is to get under 350 pounds
as she shrinks her soul
she radiates life

ruby says
“I thought maybe…just maybe someone could love me for me.”
my heart hopes for the same thing
i turn thirty-five in a few days
still hoping….

tomorrow i will
face the damage
inflicted upon myself
yet again
the scale never lies

i will try to forgive
and try again
one step forward
three stumbles backwards
and maybe along the way finally learn to love myself

mat kearney
a musical hero of mine
whom i have met three times now
i requested a song
he sang it
jewel did the same
“Thump Thump” in concert
my life is surreal in every sense of the word

how can i be so high
and so low
so happy
and so sad
at the same time?
there is no middle ground
i am a creature of extremes
always have been

a college professor once said to me…
“The dichotomy of your life is amazing. One day you are face down in a swamp. The next day you are in New York working for Rosie O’Donnell”

those words will stay with me for a lifetime

and you walk
under the streetlights
and your too drunk to notice
that everyone is staring at you
you don’t care what you look like
the world is falling
around you

Thursday, April 16, 2009

I "heart" Katy Perry

So “Hot N Cold” is one of the best pop songs ever written. I want it played at my funeral along with Madonna’s “Like A Prayer”. No lie.

Katy Perry was in our studio yesterday to do a special promotional event for KDWB and I was lucky enough to attend. She sang four songs…”Waking Up In Vegas”, “Hot N Cold”, “Thinking of You”, and “Mannequin”. If you know me, you know that “Hot N Cold” is one of my all time favorite songs ever. I dance like crazy to it. If a doctor saw me, I would probably be committed to an insane asylum or something. I can’t help myself. I dance to it all the time at work. Sometimes I even have a dance party with a few co-workers.

So I find a spot in the performance room with some of my friends and I’m in the back corner and it’s really dark. Katy starts to sing “Hot N Cold”. I held it together for about three measures and then I lost it. I danced like a crazy mofo. It was dark. No one was behind me. I was in the corner. I couldn’t help myself. I danced, and danced, and danced. Katy kept looking over and I figured that she was looking at the people down in the chairs ahead of us because it was so dark. I don’t care…I’m having the time of my life.

After the performance and interview they announce that there will be a quick meet and greet and photos. Everyone lines up to meet Katy. So I walk up to Katy and Allison (the record label rep) introduces me as “This is Jason, he works here and he is also a comedian.” Katy looks at me and says “Oh cool. Nice to meet you. You were the one dancing in the back!” Unreal. I didn’t think she could see me because it was so dark and I was in the back corner. I was wrong. She saw me. Then Katy looks at me and says “You really liked the “Hot N Cold” song”.

And this is how the rest of our meeting went…

JASON: Ah yeah. It’s one of my all time favorites. My heart grew three times while you sang it.

KATY: Your heart?

JASON: Yes, my heart.

KATY: This heart? (She puts her hand on my chest over my heart.)

JASON: That would be the one.

KATY: Oh you are so sweet.

JASON: Thank you for doing the show.

KATY: You’re welcome.

We take the picture.

Now…I also had her CD with me for her to hopefully autograph. So I waited until everyone had done their pictures and whatnot with her. Allison comes over and asks if I have the CD and then Katy walks over and just starts talking. I tell Katy that I was at her showcase here at KDWB a year ago before the album dropped and that it must have been a really crazy year for her. So we talk a little bit about everything that has happened in the past year. Then I asked if she would sign my CD. She said of course she would. So Allison hands her my CD and while we are chatting Katy autographs my CD with “To My Tiny Dancer Jason! Nice to see you again! Love, Katy Perry”. Ok, seriously…how insanely awesome is that? That’s wild! So I say good bye and return to my desk.

A little while later I was helping a confused winner (They are always confused. I love it when they come in for tickets for a band that’s not even on freakin’ tour.) and Katy Perry walks up behind me. Now, I had been talking to the winner for so long that I hadn’t been using my computer so it was on the screen saver picture of Kathy Griffin and me. Yes, I totally have pictures of famous people as my computer screen saver photos. Let’s face it…famous people are just better than the rest of us. Anyways…Katy sees the picture and says…

KATY: Is that Kathy Griffin?

JASON: Yes, it is.

KATY: Kathy Griffin? From the DList?

JASON: Sure is.

KATY: No way! I love her. I love the DList.

JASON: Me too!

KATY: That’s so cool.

JASON: Well, now the picture of us is going to have to be the next screen saver.

KATY: Shut up!

JASON: I’m serious! And, Katy, it’s a pretty big deal. There have only been three people who have been screen savers before. They were Katy Griffin, Simon LeBon, Dolly Parton. And now you.

KATY: Umm…I have a Dolly Parton drag queen in my new video. Big titties.

JASON: For “Waking Up In Vegas”? I’m so going to watch for it.

KATY: Oh thank you!

JASON: No problem.

KATY: It was Jason, right?

JASON: Ah, you remembered! Clearly we are BFF’s.

KATY: Yes…for forever and a day! Bye!


And then she left. I love my life sometimes. Katy was amazing…so down to Earth and sincere. If you ever get a chance to see her perform, don’t pass it up or you will regret it. No doubt about that.

By the way, all my co-workers saw me dancing like crazy. I guess they were pointing me out to each other. Oh, I was blissfully unaware that anyone could even see me. So dumb. I am such a nerd. Unreal.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

more than a dream - pet shop boys

driving through the night
just you and me
faster than the pale moonlight
something is calling
calling us away
do you believe
heaven is a better place
we'll be there in a heartbeat

Updates Coming!

Updates for the blog are coming! Great stories of Jewel, Indigo Girls, Katy Perry are on the way! As well as some fun stand up comedy adventures and more.

Life has been crazy busy but I'm working on getting everything updated in the next day or two. So please check back soon!

Thursday, January 01, 2009


Happy New Year Bitches!