rehab

Well…it’s official. I think it’s time to go to rehab. Move over Lindsey Lohan, Britney Spears, and Amy Winehouse….Jason’s comin!

I called yesterday to get a refill on my cough medicine. It turns out there wasn’t a refill for it. I was convinced there was, so I dug out the bottle and looked it over. I just about fell off my chair when I saw that I was only supposed to be taking 3 pills a day. I had been taking around 6 pills a day. I had the directions mixed up with my inhaler. Dammit! No wonder I went through them so quick! So I had to tell them that I lost the pills when I moved so I could get a refill. Unbelievable. The pharmacy had to call the doctor and verify the prescription request. Thank God he approved it otherwise I would be surfing the underground drug ring right now to get my hands on those little yellow pills. It’s a dirty world, but I would have done it. I would let them harvest a kidney in a dark alley from me if I could get rid of this damn cough.

But, now it makes perfect sense why I’ve been in such a fog the past couple of weeks. I haven’t been able to concentrate on anything at all. Mid conversation I would draw a blank and look around and try to figure out what the hell I was saying and try to remember who I was talking to. I would answer the phone and have no clue if it was morning or afternoon. I would forget things like my wallet or phone. I thought my name was Consuela. Ok, maybe not that bad, but it was pretty bizarre to say the least.

Last night I went to bed without my pills and I woke up this morning clear headed. It was a nice change of pace. Sobriety does have it’s perks. Who knew? But, I am still coughing like crazy. So I went back to Target today over my lunch hour to get my pills. I promise this time to only take the recommended dosage and not eat them like Skittles.

I promise. I can be trusted. I really can. Now hand me a glass of water…I got some pills to take!

Shine - R Family Cruise July 2007

the calm before the storm

Saturday, September 15th 2007

Sinead O'Connor - 09/24/07

sinead o’connor
in concert
a vocal force of nature
rage hope sorrow joy
such a huge voice
for such a small person

sitting there at pantages
waiting for her to take the stage
talking with bernie
about life
and what is
and what isn’t

looking around it hits home
i’m tired of being single
being alone
life would be better
if it was shared
and not retold

sadly
i don’t know if
love
is in the cards
for me or not
during this lifetime

maybe
i just haven’t
found
the one
because i was unable to love
or be loved

or even worse
maybe
i’ve passed by
the one
unnoticed
or unaware

they say
you will find it
when you stop looking
or when you are ready
but maybe
it’s not meant to be

the lights dim
small and frail and powerful
sinead walks
center stage
the applause is
fast and furious and thundering

Whatever it may bring
I will live by my own policies
I will sleep with a clear conscience
I will sleep in peace
Maybe it sounds mean
But I really don't think so
You asked for the truth and I told you

and i sing loud

Six Ring Circus was a riot. I ended up doing two sets. The first set was with my team which was a regular montage. We did well. The energy was high and the audience seemed to enjoy it. The second set was with my Music Improv Performance Class. We nailed it. It was hilarious! I can’t sing a note but I think that musical improv is my favorite style of them all. It is so much fun. The music and singing just brings it to such a whole new level. It really raises the stakes quite a bit. It doesn’t matter if you are a gifted singer or not…it is all about committing. And let me tell you this…I committed the hell out of it. I sang loud and with energy and was pretty much fearless. In the first scene I was Benjamin Franklin and my partner was Thomas Jefferson and we were writing The Declaration of Independence. In which I came up with a pretty funny line which was “I always hoped that if I had to lead the country, I would lead it with you.” In another scene I was a office manager who was trying to get a co-worker to ditch his cling on girlfriend because she kept coming to work with him. Very funny stuff.

We all kicked ass! I will miss that class a great deal. I might even take it again. How crazy is that? That is me…living on the edge.

Six Ring Circus: The Musical.

Tonight I have another Six Ring Circus performance. This one is different in the fact that I have to sing! Can you believe it? I will be singing onstage in front of everyone while doing improv. Ugh. The slight thought of it gives me an upset stomach. I am so freaking nervous about it. I am not a singer at all. I don’t even pretend to be a singer. I have, I think, a one and a half note range. It’s pretty pathetic.

Tonight will go one of three ways….

Option #1 – A complete and total trainwreck. Carnage all over the stage. No survivors.

Option #2 – Completely mediocre. Nothing memorable, yet not brutally painful. At best...forgettable.

Option #3 – I will win the audience over with my wit and charm. They will find me endearing…much like a wounded animal that they want to care for.

I will let you know tomorrow morning how it went. Cross your fingers for me!

I Could Fall In Love With You by Erasure

Sunday: Day of Rest.

The move is over. It took forever. My arms are sore, my legs are sore, my back is sore…everything is sore. I’m AMAZED at how much crap I fit into that little apartment I had. Where did I stash it all? I’ll never know. It was like Tetris…every square inch was used effectively. Now I just have days and days of unpacking ahead of me. I have this weird compulsion that when I think of something I have to have it immediately. For example…all of a sudden I will think of a CD or a piece of paper or whatever and I get this bizarre obsession of finding it. I will tear the place apart and rummage through everything. It’s like “Super Quest 2007: The Epic Search For The Spice Girls CD.” It’s out of control sometimes. So I’m standing in my apartment in a sea of boxes trying not to think of anything so I don’t have to start the search for the needle in the haystack. Don’t think. Don’t think. Don’t think.

After the move I went to have a late dinner with Becca. We went to TGI Fridays. As we were eating Becca looked at me and made a grunt with a head twitch. That’s our signal for “quick look”. As I turned my head I was treated to the sight of a family of four leaving the restaurant dressed in full on Renaissance wear. The dad was in a kilt and billowy blouse, the mom was dressed to the nines in a serving wench get up, and the two daughters who looked to be in high school were done up like maidens. I just about choked on my food. Fine. Fine. Fine. If you want to dress up and play dragon slayer then do it. Who am I to judge? To each their own. If you want to live your life in some bizarro fantasyland. Great! More power to you. But…why in the hell would you go to TGI Friday’s in St. Louis Park, Minnesota dressed like that? Why? You just don’t buy clothes like that…you have to make them. Wal-Mart no longer stocks corsets and kilts as far as I am aware. This crazy family had to go through a lot of energy and effort to make those outfits. Why do some people have to try so hard to get a little bit attention? I just don’t understand it. I really don’t. Anyways…of course the conversation then turns to a girl we knew back in college. There was another Becca on campus that was infamous for her lack of hygiene and she loved to wear a cape. Yes, I said a cape. I am not joking. Smelly Becca was in a class with us and she once sat next to me and told me the story of her weekend. Smelly Becca was in love with Angela and had asked her to go with her to the Indy Hall (one of the dorms) formal dance. Smelly Becca wore her best Renaissance garb and Angela wore her old prom dress. It was like Queen Elizabeth meets Sixteen Candles. Bizarro. Then she goes on to tell me the highlight of the night was when they slow danced to the song “Total Eclipse of the Heart”. Yes, I died a slow and painful death. No lie. To this day I cannot hear that song without thinking of them.

Later that night I headed over to Target to get a shower curtain since I threw away the one from the old apartment. I had showered without a curtain before going out to eat. I just couldn’t stand it anymore because I was so dirty I was ready to freak. Well…I spent quite a bit of time mopping up the floor afterwards, but at least I was clean. But, I was not about to do it again the next morning. So I bought a curtain and when I went to put it up I discovered it was defective. At this point the store was closed so I could not exchange it. So I decided to just use it in the morning and then go buy a different one. I did not want to mop up a huge mess again.

The next day I headed over to Bed, Bath and Beyond to get yet another shower curtain. I figured they would have more a selection. I quickly found one that would work so I headed over the cashier. As I looked at the woman ringing up my purchase I realized that she looked very familiar. Then I looked at her name tag and it said “Rebecca”. It was Smelly Becca! I just about fell over. I had not seen her in 10 years! Just last night we had talked about her and now she was right in front of me bagging up my shower curtain. We spoke briefly about college and then I bolted for the parking lot. Weird. Just another moment where I wish I had a camera crew with me. I am sure I had a priceless look on my face as I stood there in horror. Seriously…what are the odds?

When I got home I hung up the new shower curtain but it was defective as well. Is it really that impossible to make a shower curtain? It’s not rocket science. But, forget it. I will just use it since I am not running the risk of bumping into Smelly Becca when returning it. It still keeps the water in the tub and I’m clean, sore but clean…and that is all I care about.

off with a bang!

The show last night was crazy good. It clicked so well. The laughs came fast and furious. The improv was great and I completely nailed it doing stand up comedy. In my entire life I don’t think I have ever performed stand up comedy better than I did last night. Seriously…when I say I killed it…I freakin’ killed it. The show was fantastic. If you haven’t seen it yet…you have one more chance to catch it on Friday, September 28. *hint, hint…come and see the damn show!*

I’ve been up since 6 AM this morning trying to finish packing up my apartment. I am just praying that everyone is in a good mood. There is nothing worse than trying to move when everyone is in a pissy mood. It makes for a long day for all involved. It’s 10 AM and they still are not here. The plan was to get going around 8 AM or so. Clearly that is not going to happen. Off to a great start already.

Say a prayer for me. Thanks.

Storms and Hookers and a Show...Oh My!

Another night...another show. I hope it goes well. There really is nothing worse than a show that bombs. It's terrible. It feels like a slow death. Much like a wounded animal that just keeps gimping along the highway until it finally just gets hit by another car and floats off to animal heaven. It's brutal. The worst part is that you know you could have done much better. That's the worst feeling. I have a lot of guilt when a show doesn't go well. I know I've let the audience down and it's horrible. Last week's show wasn't "terrible", but it was far from awesome. I have my fingers crossed for tonight. Wish me luck...err...broken legs, I guess.

Speaking of shows...I watched "Last Comic Standing" on Wednesday. What a load of crap that was. I cannot believe that the Jeff Foxworthy wanna-be comic won! I was furious. Outraged I tell you! Lavell was robbed. It was like watching Season 1 all over again when Ralphie was robbed of the title by Dat Phan. Where is Dat anyways...has anyone ever heard from him again? Nope. So good luck Mr. Foxworthy Wanna-be. Pathetic.

I moved some boxes to my new apartment this afternoon over lunch. Cripes it was muggy. WOW. Hard to believe it's the end of September. It felt like July. I am pretty excited to move. The apartment is much bigger and in better shape than the dive I am living in now.

So I ended up talking to my caretaker last night when I got home. He was outside in the parking lot watching it hail, thunder, and lightning like crazy. Why do people do that? We were in a tornado warning and people were being told to head for cover but he and some other crazies from my building were standing outside watching the storm pound us. He's lucky he didn't get a concussion from the hail. Anyways, he told me that the woman they showed my apartment to last week was a hooker. I just looked at him in disbelief. They showed my apartment to a hooker. She better not have sat on anything in my apartment. Ick. I was so grossed out I cannot even begin to explain it.

Again...just another day in my life. Jealous?

Boxes of Death

I hate packing. I really do. I didn’t think it would take that long to pack up my apartment since it is a tiny apartment. I was wrong. Dead wrong.

Box after box after box after box after box and I am still packing. Ugh. I have run out of boxes, and newspaper, and packing tape. If things get desperate I am going to have to go down the alley and steal some boxes from the homeless people. Where do they get those boxes anyway? Hummm. But, honestly I don’t know how I have acquired so much crap. I’m trying to throw stuff away as I pack, but it truthfully isn’t making much of a difference. Like a raindrop in the ocean. No point to it.

My family is coming Saturday to help me move. They are going to shit bricks when they see all the boxes. They keep asking me if I have a lot of stuff, I lie and say no. As soon as they come I’ll just run down to my car quick and listen to them scream from a safe distance out in the parking lot. The worst part is that I have a couple of boxes of magazines that Madonna is on the cover of and those boxes are so freakin’ heavy. It’s unreal. I told them that I got rid of them since every single time I talked about moving I would hear nothing but complaining about those magazine boxes for two weeks straight. I would just move them myself, but I have two ruptured discs in my back, so I cannot even lift the damn boxes. Being Madonna’s number one fan is going to be the end of me yet.

So there it is. I will probably be dead on Saturday. Murdered by my family. I just want to take this moment to thank all my friends for the good memories. Remember me fondly as they are trying to identify my remains.

Six Ring Victory

Wow. Six Ring Improv went well tonight. I was really nervous about it since it was pretty rough last week. But, things were smoother and everyone seemed a little more relaxed and ready to just have some fun. It was good.

I am starting to feel more comfortable with the team...which is great. They really are a great bunch of people. It just takes some time to find a connection.

I'm just thrilled that it was funny and the audience responded really well to it. Back on track after a trainwreck last week.

Sometimes you just have to pick yourself up and brush yourself off and charge ahead. For real.

A New Enemy!

After the show on Friday night a group of us hit the bar down the block. It was a large group…Tyler, Tom, John, Bernie, Katie, Dave, Roxy, and I. It was kind of weird since it was a mix of friends from high school, college, and work. Different worlds colliding. But, as it turns out Katie and Bernie already knew Roxy through other friends. Small world indeed. Everyone got along well and the conversation was definitely entertaining.

The waiter came over to take our order and Tyler told him that one more person was going to join us. The waiter made a remark about it being impossible to fit more people in the booth, but when he said it he just happened to look over at me. He really wasn’t making a fat joke or anything, but it just was a poorly timed action and phrase. So I, being who I am, immediately started to give him grief about the remark. Let me tell you this…he did not roll with the punches well. He got pretty uptight and soon bolted from the table after getting our order. When he returned with the drinks he made some other remark that was pretty stupid so I leaned over to Bernie (who is a total fashionista) and said about our waiter “why doesn’t he just cock off his hat a little more to the side”. See he was wearing a red baseball cap that was turned off to the side. I don’t know why people do that…I really don’t. It just looks so stupid. You look like Britney Spears after she is returning to her car after yet another drunken bender. Then I hear a loud “dude I’m right here.” I turn back and the waiter has the most disgusted look on his face that I have seen in a long time. And the table goes silent. You could hear a pin drop. So I just look at him and think well it is what it is. No getting out of this one. So I don’t say much in response. After he leaves I tell the story of running into Sean with Becca at that bad Fringe show and how I put my foot in my mouth. In the middle of the story the waiter returns and I stop talking. I wasn’t going to continue with the story while he is standing there and talk about what an ass I am sometimes. So the table goes dead quiet. The waiter looks at me and says in a really snide tone “Oh sorry for interrupting your story.” So he leaves and everyone is sitting there thinking what the hell is this guy’s problem. But I finish the story and we all laugh. After a little bit someone asks me about the story I tell in my show about meeting Cindy Brucato from channel 5 news. So I tell them it’s true and how unpleasant she was and how I am now trying to be nice to Belinda Jensen from Kare 11 but she is not having much of it either. Last time Belinda was in the office she actually sat in the chair in the lounge and put her arm up with her hand over her face to block any sort of contact between us. It didn’t stop me. I just kept talking to her. So I am now reenacting the story and I have my hand up covering my face and at that very moment the waiter returns to our table and is pissed beyond reason at me. He thought I was dissing him again. I just could not win. I couldn’t even begin to explain what just happened and how it had nothing to do with him. Besides…what an ego that kid had…thinking everything was revolving around him. Whatever. So he leaves again and everyone busts into laugher over how strange the evening is getting. Finally the waiter returns one last time to drop the check and as he comes up to the table he looks at me and says in a really snotty tone “I’m sorry to have to interrupt your story again but I’m done with my shift and I need to cash out or transfer the table to another waiter.” What the hell? Can you believe it? What a bizarre night all around. I hope he got crappy tips from everyone all night long. Worse of all, I just had one drink all night. After the first snarky remark I didn’t trust him to not spit in or do something to my drink. Ugh.

So there it is…another classic Jason ordeal. I have the most amazing ability to make a new enemy in any given situation or moment. Impressive, huh? What can I say…clearly I have a gift. Watch for my new book coming out soon “How To Turn Strangers Into A Lifelong Nemesis In Under 30 Seconds!”

Buck Up Cowboy

Tonight I have another show. I am dead tired. I think these pills are making me sleepy…either that or I am slowly being poisoned by the office temp’s obnoxious perfume. Good Lord does it stink. She has to do front desk coverage and it is a bitter bill to swallow. I used the phone and it reeked of her. I started to gag as I was transferring the call. Gruesome. All day long people are coming by and just glaring at me like I am the one who is spraying it all over my body. I just wish they would fill that flippin’ position so I could breathe freely in the office. And, just so you know that I’m not being overly negative or anything…a lot of people are freaking out about it. I am not alone on this one.

But, anyways…either way…pills or being gassed out…I am so ^%@#$*% tired. I have no idea how I am gonna get through the show. If I start losing it on stage, I’ll just blame the pills. If my speech gets all slurry and I am standing over in the corner having an emotional breakdown and calling myself “a gift”, someone please just black out the lights. I don’t want to be known as the Paula Abdul of Minneapolis.

Tomorrow I am going up to see Isabella. I talked to her on the phone on Wednesday night and she was sad that she hasn’t seen me in a few weeks and wanted me to come see her right away. So tomorrow I will be out of town and then Sunday when I get back I need to pack and get ready to move. It is going to be a busy few weeks. But, it will be good.

Come and see the show….just do it.

The Plan Failed.

Dammit. The Annie Lennox pre-sale was a mess. I didn’t find any decent tickets. I am going to have to wait for the regular sale. I am beyond crabby. I am too crabby to blog.

Tomorrow will hopefully be better.

Emotional Rollercoaster

Last night, after a disastrous Six Ring Circus performance, I was completely exhausted. Ugh. We sucked. I sucked. The show freakin’ sucked. It was brutal. I had a feeling that the first time out with this group would be painful so I didn’t invite anyone to the show. Sometimes it’s just better if there aren’t any witnesses. Know what I’m sayin? But, as luck would have it, my co-worker Lesli came to see another friend perform and so she got to see our set. I think the theatre still smells…we stunk that bad. Nothing clicked, nothing flowed, nothing hit. Everything fell flat in either silence or awkward titters. The team consists of nine improv performers. Seven of which were already a team and Josh and I are the two new members. It’s not that they are not welcoming or anything….they just aren’t overly friendly. It’s like being the new kid at school. It sucks. I am sure that in a few weeks it will all be fine and things will be a well oiled machine. It’s just painfully awkward right now.

Oh well…there is always next week to redeem ourselves. Say a prayer, gang.

Once I got home I checked my email and much to my shock I had an email announcing the sale of tickets for Annie Lennox. She is coming to Minneapolis. I just about fell off my chair. But, thank God I didn’t. Had I fallen, I probably would have hit my head and got a concussion and then I would have missed the concert because I would have been in the hospital fighting for my life after I slipped into a mysterious coma. Thinking about it now, that was a very close call. Someone is definitely watching out for me in the world above. I love Annie. I have been begging them at work to try and get her into a Studio C performance if she should ever tour here and now she is playing in Minneapolis. No word on the Studio C performance yet though. It’s a true long shot, but I am holding on tight to any shard of hope. So I was up all night long…laying in bed…thinking about Annie Lennox coming to Minnesota. I was beyond excited.

I finally fell asleep around 3 AM only to be woken up at 3:30 AM by a loud crash. I had my windows open since it was so nice and cool out and it sounded like something crashed right through my wall. So I looked out the window only two see these two drunken men who were confused in the alley. Finally out of their drunken desperation they must have decided to just crash through the wood fence to get out. Flippin’ idiots. After watching the whole scene unfold I flopped back into bed only to be wide awake and thinking about Annie Lennox again.

I am so tired. Hopefully I can get some sleep tonight. At least with the fence busted out the drunks will now have an escape route. Buggers.

Doctor! Doctor!

Well…good news…I am not dying.

After many tests and x-rays at the clinic this morning it turns out that my bronchial tubes are just really messed up. It’s not bronchitis or anything like that but more like an asthma type of problem. I have no clue what caused it. I should have asked, but I forgot to. I was just happy as a clam to hear I wasn’t about to knock on death’s door. Whew…close call this time. Although, I should be used to it by now. I live on the edge. I dance with danger. I swim in the sea of peril.

So now I am on an inhaler and some other pills. I’m starting to feel like a junkie with all the medications I’ve been on. I think Whitney Houston’s fall from grace started off with a cough too. Pretty sure it did.

The worst part of today’s ordeal was sneaking a peek at x-rays while the lab technician was reviewing them. If you don’t know how to read an x-ray you shouldn’t even look at it until you are sitting next to the doctor. Is it good for it to be black or is it good for it to be white? What are those huge gray areas? Is it supposed to look like that? Is that a tumor? Is that my undeveloped twin? What is that blurry patch area over there? It’s a massive snowballing paranoia when you are sick and fearing the worst and looking at an x-ray. I wish I had never stuck my head out of the room to spy on her. I was filled with anxiety once I saw the x-ray. Ugh.

But…it is done. Let the healing begin. Can I get a witness?

Today’s lesson: Let the medical professionals do their job first. Don’t peek.

Desperate Monday

I am sick again. I cannot stand it. I really can’t. I feel like I am losing my mind. I have an appointment tomorrow to see the doctor again. Fourth visit. I am starting to feel like Norm from “Cheers” when I go in there. I walk in and the ladies at the front desk and the nurses all yell “Jason” and I walk up to the desk and I say…”give me the regular” and they thump my chest and draw some blood. Good times. Sooner or later someone will hopefully be able to figure this out. Coughing, night sweats, and headaches. I am a medical mystery. I should be on the Discovery Channel.

Today another hug from Jesus came in the Fed Ex envelope. The “Desperate Housewives” season 2 premiere. Awesome. God I love this job sometimes. My plan is to make supper, watch the show, brag to my friends that I saw it and they didn’t, and then go to bed. Great plan for the night, huh? I cannot wait.

This afternoon up at KDWB we had an impromptu dance party when Britney’s new song “Gimme More” came on the airwaves. It was fun. I cracked out my hottest moves and then I felt like I was going to die since I am still sick. Not smart. Fun. But, not smart. Damn you mystery illness.

I just saw that I can add video to the blog. I think I might make some video’s to toss up on here. This could be a riot. Then I could share all the bizarre events that take place throughout my day. I wonder if they would let me record at work? Hummm…. God knows there is a plethora of material there. You’ve got to see it to believe it and then it seems just too crazy to be true.

Well…I am off. Bree, Lynnette, Gabby, Susan, and Edie are waiting for me.

Gimme More

It’s Britney, Bitch.

And so began the night at the Mtv Video Music Awards. WOW. Talk about a train wreck. You know, I actually feel some sympathy for the poor gal. I don’t recall in the history of pop culture such a brilliant downward spiral as Britney Spears epic fall from grace. This former child star was on top of the world and now she is the punchline for every comic across the nation and possibly the world.

Britney was given the chance of a lifetime…a brilliant comeback to win back her fans and silence her critics. Instead she was a mess. She stopped lip-syncing, she gave up dancing, and she seemed bored.

I was rooting for you Brit…I really was. No one loves a comeback more than me. A giant hand in the air, finger flying F U to all those that said it couldn’t be done. That is what I wanted. That is not what I got. Instead we took another plunge down the slippery slope.

Still…I do enjoy the song “Gimme More”. It’s catchy, it’s fun, and it’s memorable. All hope is not lost….yet. That final judgment will come when her album is released on November 13th.

So come on Brit…give us more. Give us more of an effort. Give us more of a reason to believe. Give us more of a reason to care.

Gimme more.

You're gonna have to remove me
Cause I ain't goin' nowhere.

How To Build A Time Machine by Darren Hayes

saturday morning
a funeral for a friend’s mom
who was taken way too soon
as they all are it seems
nowadays

driving in my car
mind racing
faster than the posted speed limit
thinking of my own mom
and how long it has been

spirit crushed
as i long for just
one
more
conversation

in the car
darren hayes sings
“how to build a time machine”
i love this song and this cd
and i want to meet him someday

darren hayes
former lead singer of savage garden
lost on his path and now found
the journey is the destination
he sings full of sadness and truth…

All the things I've lost
All the people I've hurt
All the times I lied
All the moments wasted
All I never did
All the dreams I had
All the things
I would change
I can change them

All the things I've lost
All the people
I've hurt
All the times I lied
All the moments wasted

I'm gonna make right
What I did wrong
And change how the future has come
Through appliance of science
I'll take a hold of my enemies
Take their obscenities
Kiss them, and leave them like lovers who've gone
I'll call my dad
I'll tell him I miss him
And tell my reflection: 'it's not your fault'
And now the moment has come
I'm traveling back in time

as the song plays
the soundtrack for the day
a hearse passes me on the right
i glance over
just another odd coincidence

this moment
beyond dramatic
yet true
more fitting for a large screen
in a darkened theatre than real life

one could not write this scene
no matter how hard they tried
emotions unfolding
raw and honest
envelope please…and the oscar goes to…

Last Laugh

Tonight I had my show. I was one of five performers in “Last Laugh: An Evening of Improv and Stand Up Comedy.” It went really well. I am very happy with my performance. Normally I am beyond nervous when I perform, but I think doing the improv with the group at the start of the show really relaxed me a great deal and allowed me to be very comfortable onstage. There were no nerves, no jitters, and no anxiety. It was good. Really good.

It was fantastic to be up there and have all the planets align and have everything work. Every joke hit. All the transitions were smooth. The pacing and rhythm flowed well. It was a nice victory after the debacle of the fundraiser for the Girl Scout Troop. That was bad. Really bad. I still have the scars.

The audience was small but really laughed a lot and was very responsive. Everything just clicked. Five of my co-workers were there cheering me on, so that was nice of them. I guess I won’t “accidentally lose” any of their mail this week. Fair is fair…I guess.

So if you are around the Twin Cities and want to see a really funny show…come on down to the Bryant Lake Bowl on Friday nights for the month and see me in action. And by action I mean standing up on stage making people laugh. Not that other kind of action…although it might be just as funny…and emotionally scarring.

Hug from Jesus

So I finished season one of “Ugly Betty” on DVD on Monday. I was gutted. It’s now my favorite show next to “Desperate Housewives”. It is so good. If you have not watched it…do so. You will not be disappointed.

I watched the last episode with some hesitation. I hate it when something good ends. Like when you find a book that you love and you get to the final chapter, you want to know how it ends but you don’t want it to be over. Bittersweet. So I watched it and I was shocked. It was an action packed episode…deception, death, accidents…it had everything I hold near and dear to my heart. After I watched the final credits I thought how am I going to wait until the season premiere on September 27th? I can’t wait that long. Ugh.

Then yesterday at work I got a hug from Jesus. The hug came in the form of a FedEx package. When I opened it I almost fell over. We got the advance DVD of the first two episodes of “Ugly Betty” season 2. What are the odds of that? Cripes. You could have knocked me over with a feather.

So last night I made supper and popped in the DVD. Then I paused the DVD to call my friend Corinne who loves the show as well and brag about the fact that I was watching the new episodes. It went to voicemail and I left a rather boastful message. I quickly got a call back but I wouldn’t say anything about the show. Everyone’s gotta wait!

1983

twenty-four years ago
first day of school
in champlin 1983
a new school

third grade for me
wearing
a new et t-shirt
a new pair of shoes
a new backpack

kindergarten for melissa
in her new blue sweater
new pants
and new smurfette bag
beyond cute

smile for the camera
say cheese
i missed my friends
from second grade in
brooklyn center
at my old school

don’t ever look back
you can never go home again
is what they always say
forward not backward
you’re a big kid now

we would be in champlin
for only one year
before the move to
little falls
where life and school would feel
like a death sentence
until high school graduation
1992

pac-man all the rage in the arcades
return of the jedi playing in all the theatres
the dukes of hazard must see tv
stevie nicks, culture club, duran duran
rocking on the radio

when you are young
the possibilities are endless
no, can’t, impossible
simply do not exist
sweet dreams (are made or this)

Spider Attack

After a long night of watching TV due to another bout of insomnia I finally decided to head to bed at 5:10 AM. I figured I should at least try to get some sleep before the sun came up. As I turned on the lamp on my nightstand and pulled down the covers (yes, I make my bed every single day) I looked up at saw one of Satan’s little warriors up on my wall near the ceiling. I hate spiders more than anything else in this world. HATE. A spider of any size, shape, or color will reduce me to a screaming 12 year old girl in under 3 seconds of it’s discovery.

I stood there, frozen, trying to figure out what the hell to do. I saw it and it saw me. We were locked eye to eye…to eye to eye to eye to eye to eye to eye to eye to eye. How long has this demon spawn spider been living in my bedroom? I felt dirty knowing that it has been there every night while I slept unaware. It probably even watched as I changed my clothes trying to figure out the best place to bite me. Spying on me from a dark corner. It could have been crawling around in my bed, crawling on me for nights or even weeks. It just sat there…taunting me. I could almost hear it whisper “I’ve been watching you. I’ve crawled on your pillow. I peed on your lips.”

It was too high to use a Kleenex to kill it. Besides, that is always spotty. Usually the spider will make a break for it and I will freak out and it will escape as I am lying on the floor in the fetal position crying. So I decided I needed to get the big gun…the vacuum. So at 5:20 AM I am hauling out the vacuum to suck this creepy beast back into hell’s fiery depths. In two seconds it was over. Just to be safe I did some vacuuming around the apartment to make sure the spider was sucked into the canister and not just clinging to the inside of the hose. I also wanted to make sure it was squished and buried beneath some dirt. Take no chances when you are at war with a spider. They are hateful creatures. Trust me.

Now I will sleep with one eye open and a can of Raid in my hand. Waiting for the others to attack…seeking revenge of their fallen warrior. They will come. I will be ready. A war is raging.

Forbidden Fruit

Nothing is ever easy.

Today I decided to eat some fruit. I know, I know, I know. Clearly the end must be near. In 33 years I have never had a craving for fruit. Sometimes I don’t even know myself anymore. But, I thought…hey, maybe I am finally ready to make a change and start traveling down a healthy road in life.

So I decided to go to Whole Foods because I thought they would probably have some fruit that would be top quality…after all there is nothing nastier to eat than a bruised apple or brown banana. Well…I am sure there is, but you get the point.

I found some bananas that were perfect. No brown spots and no green areas. I hate under ripe bananas. Gag. So I moved on to apples. It took me a long time to figure out which apples to buy. There were only about a hundred different apples from a hundred different countries sitting in the produce bins in front of me. The apples were red, green, yellow, and pinkish orange. I was beyond lost. They just had the names listed…not the purpose of the apple. I do know that some are good for eating and some are good for baking. I almost called Becca to ask her which apple I should get, but I decided that it was time for me to stand on my own two feet and figure it out. So I stood there for about half an hour staring at apples when this guy came up and grabbed some. I figured that he probably eats apples a lot since he was in shape, looked healthy, and he didn’t look like a baker. So I took his lead and grabbed the same apples. Grapes are so much easier. Green, red or black. Just make sure they are seedless. And finally watermelon. They didn’t have seedless watermelon. I hate seeded watermelon. I think it has to do with spitting the seeds. I hate spitting. If it goes in the mouth, it doesn’t come back out. Pretty black and white in my world. But, I figured that I could just pick the seeds out with a fork before I ate it. Not the end of the world.

Then I decided that I wanted some Cool Whip to go with the fruit. Gotta ease into it. Can’t just leap off the cliff without a parachute, right? So I head over the dairy section and I don’t see any Cool Whip. Then I head over the other refrigerated section and still no Cool Whip. Then I head over to the frozen foods and all I see is natural, organic dairy whip. What the hell is that? Organic cool whip knockoff? I don’t think there is even anything natural in Cool Whip, so how can it be organic? Flippin hippies. I was beyond angry. Finally I decided that I would just have to make another stop at a different store and get real Cool Whip. Then I figured that they would probably have seedless watermelon there as well. So I put back the watermelon I had in my cart and headed to the check out lanes.

At Lunds Foods I found my seedless watermelon but it cost me a freakin’ fortune. There better be some gold nuggets in that rind. But, I wasn’t about to head back to Whole Foods, so I had to spend my retirement fund on the watermelon. Lunds had me by the walnuts. On my way to get the Cool Whip I walked past the apples and shot them a dirty look. Stupid apples. After selling my soul to pay my grocery bill I headed home an hour and a half after my quest for fruit began.

You know…I would probably eat healthier if it was easier. Healthy and lazy is not a match made in heaven. Next time I want fruit I am just going to say no. Say no to fruit.

Hateful Sheep: 4th State Fair Trip

Corinne and Nate and the natural beauty of a cow.

Hateful Sheep. Seriously...do they not look like KKK members? Spooky.

Corinne and the stolen button.

Friday night was my fourth and final night at the great Minnesota State Fair. I am faired out…big time. I think I can honestly wait 33 more years to head back. Four trips in less than a week is a lot of time spent eating at the fair. Trust me.

This trip was a reunion of the Heathers. A few years back, I was in a terrible production of “Much Ado About Nothing” at Lakeshore Players in White Bear Lake. Yeah, I said it. I believe in naming the evil that lurks in this world. The only good thing to come out of this show was some really great friends. I guess that you do form a lifelong bond when you travel the valleys of hell with other people. Corinne now lives in LA and Nate just moved back to Minnesota from Chicago. This is the first time we have been together in two years (I think). I have missed them a great deal. Oh yeah…where did the name Heathers come from you ask? Well…let me tell you. Some of the cast members thought we were a little too much of a clique and hence we became known as the “heathers” from the ultimate teen high school clique movie “Heathers”. Snarky, huh?

It was great to see them again. The best thing about Corinne and Nate is the ability to just pick up where we left off. It didn’t feel like we were apart for that long, and those are the best kind of friendships.

We just walked around the grounds eating, laughing, eating, talking, and eating some more. Then Corinne dropped the bomb…she wanted to see the animals. Ugh. Walking around a hot barn is never far up on my list of things to do in my life. Ever. But, after surviving the fair day with Debbie Downer from work on Wednesday, I was not going to ruin this fair trip. So off to the barn we went. Little did I know that one of the biggest laughs of my life was waiting for me just inside the double wide door. They had these sheep in these crazy cloaks and they looked like KKK members. I am not even joking. I just about wet myself from laughing so hard. Hateful sheep at the fair. Who knew? I laugh every time I look at the picture. Priceless. I was almost expecting to see a burning cross made out of hay bales and the pigs and cows being run out of the barn by the hateful sheep. “Baahhh…we don’t want your kind in our barn. Baaahhh.”.

So wrong….I know.

After more food (mini-donuts, roasted corn, and cookies) we just sat on a bench and people watched for the majority of the night. There are some crazy people on the loose at the fair. It’s like a freak show with blinking lights and food.

On the way out of the fair Corinne wanted an Al Franken button to take back to her husband in LA, but the booth was closed. I figured there had to be a button laying around in the booth somewhere so we casually cased the booth for a button to snatch. Just as I was about to give I saw a glimpse of the backside of a button in the corner on the floor. I told Corinne and she broke into the booth to snatch it. It was a pretty covert operation in plain sight. So she snatched the button and we were a few steps away from the booth when she turned it around and saw that it wasn’t an Al Franken button after all. What a waste. See people…crime doesn’t pay. But, truth be told it was pretty freakin’ hilarious.

There it is. Four trips to the fair and I’m probably about 15 pounds heavier. Good thing the fair is over…I don’t think I could out run those sheep if they turned on me.