A New Enemy!

After the show on Friday night a group of us hit the bar down the block. It was a large group…Tyler, Tom, John, Bernie, Katie, Dave, Roxy, and I. It was kind of weird since it was a mix of friends from high school, college, and work. Different worlds colliding. But, as it turns out Katie and Bernie already knew Roxy through other friends. Small world indeed. Everyone got along well and the conversation was definitely entertaining.

The waiter came over to take our order and Tyler told him that one more person was going to join us. The waiter made a remark about it being impossible to fit more people in the booth, but when he said it he just happened to look over at me. He really wasn’t making a fat joke or anything, but it just was a poorly timed action and phrase. So I, being who I am, immediately started to give him grief about the remark. Let me tell you this…he did not roll with the punches well. He got pretty uptight and soon bolted from the table after getting our order. When he returned with the drinks he made some other remark that was pretty stupid so I leaned over to Bernie (who is a total fashionista) and said about our waiter “why doesn’t he just cock off his hat a little more to the side”. See he was wearing a red baseball cap that was turned off to the side. I don’t know why people do that…I really don’t. It just looks so stupid. You look like Britney Spears after she is returning to her car after yet another drunken bender. Then I hear a loud “dude I’m right here.” I turn back and the waiter has the most disgusted look on his face that I have seen in a long time. And the table goes silent. You could hear a pin drop. So I just look at him and think well it is what it is. No getting out of this one. So I don’t say much in response. After he leaves I tell the story of running into Sean with Becca at that bad Fringe show and how I put my foot in my mouth. In the middle of the story the waiter returns and I stop talking. I wasn’t going to continue with the story while he is standing there and talk about what an ass I am sometimes. So the table goes dead quiet. The waiter looks at me and says in a really snide tone “Oh sorry for interrupting your story.” So he leaves and everyone is sitting there thinking what the hell is this guy’s problem. But I finish the story and we all laugh. After a little bit someone asks me about the story I tell in my show about meeting Cindy Brucato from channel 5 news. So I tell them it’s true and how unpleasant she was and how I am now trying to be nice to Belinda Jensen from Kare 11 but she is not having much of it either. Last time Belinda was in the office she actually sat in the chair in the lounge and put her arm up with her hand over her face to block any sort of contact between us. It didn’t stop me. I just kept talking to her. So I am now reenacting the story and I have my hand up covering my face and at that very moment the waiter returns to our table and is pissed beyond reason at me. He thought I was dissing him again. I just could not win. I couldn’t even begin to explain what just happened and how it had nothing to do with him. Besides…what an ego that kid had…thinking everything was revolving around him. Whatever. So he leaves again and everyone busts into laugher over how strange the evening is getting. Finally the waiter returns one last time to drop the check and as he comes up to the table he looks at me and says in a really snotty tone “I’m sorry to have to interrupt your story again but I’m done with my shift and I need to cash out or transfer the table to another waiter.” What the hell? Can you believe it? What a bizarre night all around. I hope he got crappy tips from everyone all night long. Worse of all, I just had one drink all night. After the first snarky remark I didn’t trust him to not spit in or do something to my drink. Ugh.

So there it is…another classic Jason ordeal. I have the most amazing ability to make a new enemy in any given situation or moment. Impressive, huh? What can I say…clearly I have a gift. Watch for my new book coming out soon “How To Turn Strangers Into A Lifelong Nemesis In Under 30 Seconds!”