Forbidden Fruit

Nothing is ever easy.

Today I decided to eat some fruit. I know, I know, I know. Clearly the end must be near. In 33 years I have never had a craving for fruit. Sometimes I don’t even know myself anymore. But, I thought…hey, maybe I am finally ready to make a change and start traveling down a healthy road in life.

So I decided to go to Whole Foods because I thought they would probably have some fruit that would be top quality…after all there is nothing nastier to eat than a bruised apple or brown banana. Well…I am sure there is, but you get the point.

I found some bananas that were perfect. No brown spots and no green areas. I hate under ripe bananas. Gag. So I moved on to apples. It took me a long time to figure out which apples to buy. There were only about a hundred different apples from a hundred different countries sitting in the produce bins in front of me. The apples were red, green, yellow, and pinkish orange. I was beyond lost. They just had the names listed…not the purpose of the apple. I do know that some are good for eating and some are good for baking. I almost called Becca to ask her which apple I should get, but I decided that it was time for me to stand on my own two feet and figure it out. So I stood there for about half an hour staring at apples when this guy came up and grabbed some. I figured that he probably eats apples a lot since he was in shape, looked healthy, and he didn’t look like a baker. So I took his lead and grabbed the same apples. Grapes are so much easier. Green, red or black. Just make sure they are seedless. And finally watermelon. They didn’t have seedless watermelon. I hate seeded watermelon. I think it has to do with spitting the seeds. I hate spitting. If it goes in the mouth, it doesn’t come back out. Pretty black and white in my world. But, I figured that I could just pick the seeds out with a fork before I ate it. Not the end of the world.

Then I decided that I wanted some Cool Whip to go with the fruit. Gotta ease into it. Can’t just leap off the cliff without a parachute, right? So I head over the dairy section and I don’t see any Cool Whip. Then I head over the other refrigerated section and still no Cool Whip. Then I head over to the frozen foods and all I see is natural, organic dairy whip. What the hell is that? Organic cool whip knockoff? I don’t think there is even anything natural in Cool Whip, so how can it be organic? Flippin hippies. I was beyond angry. Finally I decided that I would just have to make another stop at a different store and get real Cool Whip. Then I figured that they would probably have seedless watermelon there as well. So I put back the watermelon I had in my cart and headed to the check out lanes.

At Lunds Foods I found my seedless watermelon but it cost me a freakin’ fortune. There better be some gold nuggets in that rind. But, I wasn’t about to head back to Whole Foods, so I had to spend my retirement fund on the watermelon. Lunds had me by the walnuts. On my way to get the Cool Whip I walked past the apples and shot them a dirty look. Stupid apples. After selling my soul to pay my grocery bill I headed home an hour and a half after my quest for fruit began.

You know…I would probably eat healthier if it was easier. Healthy and lazy is not a match made in heaven. Next time I want fruit I am just going to say no. Say no to fruit.