Carrie Underwood - American Idol turned American Superstar!

Carrie Underwood and Me.

This afternoon Carrie Underwood was in the office for a K102 album listening party for her new CD. It was a pretty difficult event to get into but I was allowed in, despite some rather loud and ridiculous grumblings from some of my co-workers. It’s amazing to me that 50 and 60 year old adults can act like middle school kids. Pathetic actually.

Carrie Underwood won American Idol a couple of years ago and released her first album “Some Hearts” in 2005 and it’s gone on to sell over 6 million copies. Her new album “Carnival Ride” is currently the number one album in the country and sold over 527,000 copies in it’s first week. Those are massive sales figures. She has won Grammy Awards, CMA Awards, American Music Awards, and tons and tons of other awards. Carrie is a massive star. Her hits include “Jesus Take The Wheel”, “Wasted”, “Before He Cheats”, “So Small”, and many more. She’s a big deal.

Anyways…before the event Carrie, her bodyguard, and one of our staff members in promotions walked past my desk. I didn’t fully realize that it was her, because I was working on some stuff at my desk. I just looked up and politely said “Hello” to them since they were literally three inches from me. All Carrie did was look at me with this half assed smirk and just kept walking. What is that about? Seriously? One of my other co-workers was near the elevators and just looked at me in disgust and then did a giant “W” with his fingers for “whatever”. So I looked him and asked if that was Carrie Underwood and he said yes it was. Can you believe it? I was dissed by Carrie freakin’ Underwood. Ugh.

So then I thought to myself…”what would I say when I met her at the K102 event?”. She already ignored me so hopefully she would be a little more friendly when a crowd was watching her every move.

At the listening party people would go up and meet her between the on-air bits and get a picture taken and have her autograph something. When it got to be my turn I walked up, handed my camera to her manager and gave her my CD booklets for her to sign. She asked me my name and started to autograph the CD booklet for “Some Hearts”. Then I looked at her and said…

“Carrie, ever since your first CD came out you have been such an inspiration. Whenever I am at the front desk and things get too hectic and the phone starts to ring off the hook, I just look at it, throw my arms up and say “Jesus take the switchboard!”.

I thought it was HILARIOUS! Absolutely one of the funniest things of all time. I cracked myself up majorly.

So Carrie looks at me and says “Really?”

I say, “Uh huh.”

Her manager then takes the picture and we smile big.

Then she looks me dead in the eye and says seriously “Does it work?”

At this point I realized she was very serious and it wasn’t going as I planned so I looked at her and said “Usually.”

Thankfully the awkwardness ended there because the commercial break was over and she needed to get back on stage for the interview.

She said it was nice to meet me and smiled and handed back the CD booklets and I went on my way.

There it is. Interesting, huh. Does Carrie Underwood really think I look at my phone and say “Jesus take the switchboard!” when it rings? I guess I will never know. She certainly seemed to take me seriously. Maybe she will talk about it in a future interview. I can hear it now….”Back in Minnesota there is a guy who gets stressed out when he has to answer the phone and he…”

Unbelievable.

Meeting An Icon: The Dolly Parton Experience 2007

Dolly Parton and Me!

I was exhausted when I woke up before the crack of dawn this morning. I had not slept at all other than maybe a total of three hours at most. I was too excited to meet Dolly Parton. I bolted up and quickly got ready for the day. As I headed out to my car in the pitch blackness of the night I heard the raccoons clattering away near the dumpster. I actually broke into a brisk run. I figured that if the raccoons were going to attack, with my luck, it would be the day I’m supposed to meet Dolly Parton. Fortunately for me, the raccoons did not decided to wage a battle this morning and I made it safely to my car.

Mary and I met up with Bruce and Scott early to get the studio set up and make sure everything was on schedule for Dolly’s arrival. We went downstairs to the back entrance to wait for her car. As I stood there thinking about what was about to take place I was struck by how odd it must be to be famous. Here is Dolly…a living cultural icon, and she has to arrive at the backdoor, enter the building through a loading dock, take the back hallways, use the crappy freight elevator, and go down a hallway filled with old junk. It’s so strange. You spend your life working to reach the heights of fame and fortune and you end up using the back door while everyone else comes in the front doors through the amazing lobby all the fountains and potted plants. Bizarre to say the least.

When Dolly’s car pulled up I really thought I might pass out. The anticipation was huge. Her manager got out of the car and Scott went into the building to get the elevator ready. As we waited Dolly stayed in the car. Bruce handed her manager a card and he then walked over the town car and the driver cracked his window and took the card and as he rolled up the window I saw him pass the card to a hand coming from the backseat. It was Dolly. She really was in there. It was so cool. It was like a scene out of a Hollywood movie. Then a few seconds later Dolly rolled down her window and poked her head out and said that she was waiting to be let out of the car and made a joke them having the child proof locks on so she was stuck.

After a few minutes we got the go ahead and Dolly popped out of the limo. I was struck by how tiny she really is. She is a very petite woman which makes it even more interesting since her personality is larger than life. After a quick round of introductions we headed in through the loading dock. As we walked through the building I was at the back of the pack. I was walking and thinking “Oh my God…I am walking down the hall with Dolly Parton”. After a few moments she turned back and said “Come on up here Jason and get outta the rear.” So I walked side by side with Dolly. Crazy but true.

Once upstairs we were locked out. We were stuck. Mary’s security badge wasn’t working and my badge was in my bag down in the studio. It was pretty dark so I was holding a door by the elevator open to let in a little bit of light while Mary kept trying to get her badge to work. I started to laugh because I thought it was pretty funny and would make an interesting story for my stand up comedy routine. As Mary got more stressed and her management grew concerned all of a sudden the lights came on and Dolly said “I flipped the switch, ya’all”. I just about died. No one thought of flipping on the light switch. Then Dolly says “Look, it shoulda always been on.” and points to the sign next to the switch saying “Do not turn off the lights.” HILARIOUS. After a few minutes someone from the studio came and let us in.

Once down at the studio we took some pictures and I asked Dolly about her duet with Culture Club on “You’re Kisses Are Charity”. It’s a great song and I love it, but it was never released here, only in Europe. Dolly seemed a little surprised that I knew about the song and told me that she loved it when it was sent to her and that she was excited to sing on it. She also said that she had planned on singing a solo version of the song for her new album, “Backwoods Barbie”, but it didn’t work out and she hoped to still do it at some point. She also said that she knew Boy George from way back because they both loved make up. I had her sign my cd of the duet and she looked at a picture of Boy George and said “Look it’s me!” Dolly really is hysterical. The woman has a one of kind sense of humor. She says whatever is on her mind and is really quick. Sharp as a pin. But, it’s not mean or malicious…it’s very sincere and well intentioned.

Her interview on the show was amazing. She talked about the new album, shared some personal stories about growing up, broke some news about the Broadway musical version of “9 to 5”, and finally spoke of her friendship with Porter Wagoner who passed away on Sunday.

After the interview she did a couple more pictures with some staff members and then I walked with them back down to the car. Dolly and I chit-chatted on the way down and once we got downstairs said our goodbyes and she was off.

It was an amazing morning! I got to spend about an hour with Dolly and was able to have real conversations instead of a quick. “Hi, I love you!” sort of thing. Dolly was more amazing than I had ever dreamed she would be. That woman is the real deal. She is kind, sincere, hilarious, and genuine. I am a fan for life. Viva La Dolly!

(Note: There will be another part of the story added soon. But, first I have to blog about a different incident for it to make sense. The two are connected in a crazy way. So stay tuned for the “director’s cut blog” coming soon.)

I met Dolly Parton!

I met Dolly Parton! It was a freaking blast. She is a complete and total riot. I will have the full story posted later today.

Be sure to check back and read all about it. Unreal!

Big Star Revealed! It's Dolly Parton!

Someone finally guessed! It is Dolly Parton! Ya Hoo! The winner didn't leave their name, but they got it right nonetheless. Congrats.

Tomorrow at this time check back for the full report on meeting the one, the only, the incredible Dolly Parton!

Big Star. Clue # 4.

Another smart clue that isn't right. Either my hints are too hard or this artist is really going to be a huge surprise!

The lastest guess was....

Sarah said... Ooooo!Tina Turner!!!Could we be so lucky as to get a musical version of Mad Max??

A musical of Mad Max...now that would be wild. Crazy wild.

Clue # 4.

This artist has an album coming out in early 2008. The album is a two word title.

Big Star. Clue # 3

Well another fantastic guess came in from my friend Victoria.

victoria said... Jennifer Lopez (aka J Lo aka Jenny from tha block)?

But, sadly she is wrong. It's not J. Lo. Good shot though.

This is harder than I thought it would be. Huh. I will have to come up with some sort of a prize for the winner.

Now on to clue # 3.

This artist will soon have a musical on Broadway based on one of her previous projects.

Outwit. Outsmart. Outplay. A bug?

What a long night. I am exhausted. I spent the majority of the night trying to outwit a centipede that I never actually saw. Even though I never saw another centipede, I know that they are there. Somewhere. Lurking in the walls or maybe in some dark corner of a closet. If there is one, there is always more. There is never just one…ever. Yesterday I googled centipedes for hours…literally. I am not alone. A ton of people have this very same problem. There is misery in the numbers. I should start a centipede support group.

As soon as I got home I decided to get rid of the crap in the vacuum’s canister. I plugged in the vacuum to get it ready incase I needed to turn it on quickly if the centipede should somehow still be alive and attempt to escape. I stepped on the toilet paper and pulled the tube back. I wasn’t about to pull it out with my hand. There was no way I was going to let the centipede pull a sneak attack and run up my arm. I am a lot smarter than that…trust me. While I was prepared, it was ultimately not needed. It must have been dead since it did not crawl out at me. So I popped off the canister and headed out to the dumpster. As I was about to dump it into the dumpster I thought I need to make sure it’s really dead. Yes, I have seen one too many soap operas involving staged and faked deaths. Unless I see the remains, I don’t really believe something is dead. So I grabbed a twig and picked through the dirt in the canister. I didn’t see the centipede. Surely it would have been crushed by the suction of the vacuum, right? It was probably annihilated by the power of it. But, what if it survived? What if it had escaped in the dark of night? What if it was in some dark crevice plotting my demise. What if? There was no way to be certain. There was no way for me to put my mind at rest. I’ll never really know for sure. I’ll probably go to my grave wondering about it.

I didn’t want to go to sleep. I’ll be honest. I was more than a little freaked out. It’s ridiculous that a bug could throw me into such a tailspin…but it has.

So for the majority of the night I would go into my bedroom and quick flip on the light and dart around looking for anything moving. I would also use this tactic in the bathroom. A few times I did yell out “A HA!” without even thinking about it. I don’t think centipedes can hear, but better safe than sorry. I figured that sooner or later the centipede would return to the scene of the crime. All night long…over and over and over and over I tried my ambush attack. Despite my best efforts to have the upper hand by the element of surprise, it was all in vain. Finally at 2 AM I decided to try to go to bed. But, honestly I knew I would not get much sleep. I figured I would toss and turn in bed all night thinking I was feeling one in my bed or thinking that I could hear it crawling on my wall or even hear it whispering to me “I’m going to kill you.”. The centipede never returned as far as I know,

I think I might just take some sleeping pills tonight and knock myself out. I need to get some sleep somehow. Self medicating might be the only way to do it.

Who would have ever thought that trying to outsmart a centipede would be so difficult?

Big Star. Clue # 2.

So far a guess has been made and it's not correct.

Here it is incase you missed it...

rockinfreakpotomous said... Is it Cher?

Nope...but Cher is an excellent guess. I would love to meet her. Cross your fingers...someday hopefully!

So here comes clue #2.

This artist has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

Quick guess.

Jason VS. the Centipede: An epic battle.

Did you hear my screams of terror last night? At 2:30 AM I discovered the world’s largest centipede on the wall above my bed. A part of me died last night upon seeing it on my wall. I turned on my light and there it was. It seriously looked to be about 8 feet long. I guess it is a “house centipede” which is different from a regular centipede. But…honestly…a gross bug is a gross bug.

Now a few days earlier I found one on my bathroom floor. I figured it must have crept in through a drain or plumbing or something along those lines. I stood there and saw it racing around the floor when I turned on the light. I swear it ran around faster than anything I have ever seen move before. Finally it ran itself into a corner and I was able to squish it with some toilet paper and flush the remains. I figured it was a fluke. A one time deal. I was wrong.

Standing there in my bedroom…staring at this huge killer bug on my wall, I had a flash back to the one from the bathroom. I figured this one had come seeking revenge on me for killing it’s partner, but by my turning on the light I somehow thwarted it’s evil plan. We stood there…sizing each other up. It would come down to size versus speed.

If I tried to squish it, I knew what would happen. I would have to stand on my bed, the centipede would make an unexpected move, I would have a heart attack and fall off the bed and end up hitting my head and knocking myself unconscious while the centipede escapes and is loose in my bedroom…free to come back at a later date to complete it’s diabolical mission to kill me. So I thought of plan b. I went with the vacuum cleaner. I grabbed it quick from the closet and assembled the hose attachments. I plugged it in and waited until the perfect moment to attack. Three, two, one…go! I turned it on and sucked it up before it even knew what was happening. Brilliant, I know. Then I had to do a little bit of vacuuming to make sure that it wasn’t just hanging on for dear life in the tube or anything. After all, it only has a million legs for it to use to cling on for safety. I also wanted to make sure it was dead and smashed by other bits of dirt and dust. Then to play it safe I stuffed toilet paper in the hose opening to block any escape should it have survived up to this point. I left nothing to chance.

I would have just taken the vacuum canister out to the dumpster, but it was 2:30 AM and I did not want to get attacked by the raccoons that pillage through the garbage at night. A centipede was terrible, but rabies would be even worse. You have to get shots when you have rabies.

Tonight after work I am going to get some bug spray and go over the house like crazy. I will probably be dead by tomorrow from all the fumes.

Ick.

By the way…here is a link to what it looked like. I was going to post a picture of it but then I realized I don’t want a picture of it on my blog. It’s too nasty. I don’t want to give any of you nightmares. Ugh.

http://www.uos.harvard.edu/ehs/pes_centipedes.shtml

Big Star...An Icon If You Will...

Next week at this time my blog will be abuzz with the story of me meeting a musical icon. Make sure to check back and read all about it. No...it's not Madonna sadly...but she is pretty damn cool. I'm really excited about it. I had to be put on a list for her record label's management team. How cool is that?

I keep thinking of what I want to say to her. I just don't know. I want to come up with something about her work and music rather than the lame "I'm a huge fan...you rock." sort of crap celebs always get. I think the best way to show respect is to know their work and have actually thought about it. Like when I met Jessica Simpson she seemed really blown away when I asked questions about her music rather than the usual "Do you know the difference between tuna and chicken now?" stuff that she got from others.

Some clues...let's see if you can guess. And Becca...you are not allowed to guess since you already know who it is and you have been sworn to secrecy.

Clue #1. She is a singer and an actress.

Good luck!

Worst. Mood. Ever.

I am in worst mood ever. I’m beyond crabby. My attitude is just foul. No lie. People are just making me completely crazy lately. Tick, tick, boom. I’m going to explode if one more stupid person asks me one more stupid question about one more stupid situation that I don’t care about. Ugh. Today is a bad day to be a receptionist.

Anyway…it’s been a couple of days since I last blogged…so here is a recap of the weekend.

The show on Friday night went well. It was good, honest. We were all a little tired given the fact that it was at midnight, but hey, such is life. The audience seemed to enjoy it a great deal, so that was nice. I have Six Ring again tonight. God I hope I’m in a better mood. Cross your fingers everyone otherwise I will be one hell of a crabby improviser.

On Saturday Melissa and Isabella came down and we went to the Kidz Bop concert at the Target Center. Isabella had a blast. She responds like crazy to music. She loves it. She dances, claps, sings, yells, hollers, and jumps like crazy. Melissa and I did the heavy metal symbol with our hands…devil horns or whatever it’s called, and Isabella looked at us and stuck her hands up in the air holding up her three fingers like she does when she is asked how old she is. She tried to get it right, but just couldn’t quite to do it. It was absolutely hilarious. She would yell and clap in-between the songs and eventually she had to make her way out into the aisle so she had more room to dance. With each passing day she cracks me up more and more. That little girl is quite a firecracker. No doubt about it.

Sunday was a pretty low key day…just did laundry and cleaned the apartment. The weather was terrible again…cold and windy and cloudy. Soon the winter blues will be upon us. Just a few more weeks. Usually fall is my favorite time of the year. I love the brisk air, the changing leaves on the trees, the Halloween decorations. I love it all. But, so far this fall has been terrible weather wise. Too much rain…not enough sun. It’s been hard to do anything outside other than run from the car to the building because of a rainstorm.

Yesterday was a tough day. I went to a funeral. My friend Mary’s dad passed away. She was really close to her dad. Her pain is pretty deep. I know it all too well since I lost my mom a couple of years ago. The funeral was sad. You could tell he was a great guy and that he will be missed by many. This was the third funeral I’ve been to in the past two months. Enough is enough. I want to get together with people for a happy occasion for a change of pace.

Last night I watched the DVD promo of the ABC TV show “Samantha Who?”. WOW. It is a riot. It’s really, really smart and funny and clever. I would recommend watching it definitely. I missed the regular airing of it, but figured it was no big deal since I have the DVD. But…I won’t miss it again. I laughed out loud more than a few times which is really rare for me. Christina Applegate is brilliant in it (I’m not even a huge fan of her but I can’t deny the girl has pluck in this series) and the two women that play her friends are amazing. If you get a chance watch the show. I bet you will love it. God knows I do.

There it is…my exciting weekend in a nutshell. A concert, some cleaning, and a funeral. Just like the movies.

Today I got some good news though. My show “Last Laugh” is coming back for a one night gig in December at Bryant Lake Bowl and in the upcoming new year it will hopefully be added to the calendar as a regular monthly gig. That’s pretty cool. It’s all gotta start somewhere…right?

Midnight? On Stage? For real?

Tonight I have to perform at Six Ring Circus as part of the special Friday Night Midnight Show. For real? I am dead beat tired. I can hardly stay awake. I have no idea how I am going to make it through the show, much less have it be funny or interesting.

Our show on Tuesday was horrible. Truly terrible. I did not jump into any the scenes until the end when I got pulled into one because it was such a mess that I didn’t want to add to the crapfest that was taking place. I have never been so embarrassed to be on stage before in my entire life. I wanted to actually apologize to the audience for what they had to sit through.

Our team has some wildly talented people on it, so talent really isn’t the issue. The issue is more that of connecting and becoming a team rather than individual players dancing in the spotlight.

I hope tonight goes well. I just don’t have the energy or strength to endure yet another bad show and stay up all freakin’ night to do it.

Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This): Meeting Annie Lennox.

Annie Lennox

State Theatre. Minneapolis. Minnesota. October 18, 2007.

I met Annie Lennox. After being a fan for over 20 years I finally got a chance to not only meet her but also have an actual conversation.

Annie’s concert tonight at the State Theatre was electric. She was at the top of her game and is a true performer. Annie’s talent far exceeds that of an entertainer. Annie is a true artist to the core. After weeks of desperation, false hopes, plotting and scheming...I landed a ticket just hours before the show. A perfect seat, 10th row, dead center aisle.

My favorite moments of the show included her performances of “Pavement Cracks”, “Sweet Dreams”, “No More I Love Yous”, “Why” “Sing”, and my favorite song off her new album “Smithereens”. “Smithereens” makes me think of a friend from college that I’ve grown apart from, so it was definitely an emotional part of the concert to say the least.

After the encore I beat feet to the stage door. There was no way I was going to let her get from the stage to the tour bus without an autograph. I was totally prepared. In my bag I had eight Eurythmics studio albums, two Eurythmics greatest hits albums, Annie’s four solo albums, the remix cd of “Pavement Cracks”, and the soundtrack for “The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King” in which she did the theme song and won an Oscar Award for. I also had four black Sharpie markers and two silver Sharpie markers and an umbrella. I was ready. So I get out the sidewalk and it is raining pretty good and cold and really windy at times. I pulled out my umbrella and a wind gust came along and in a Mary Poppins moment sucked up my umbrella and snapped all the wire arms. Dammit. So I was so disgusted I just threw it on the ground. The first time I ever littered. I was livid. I am sure some homeless person was happy to find it and hopefully found a good use for it. But, after a few moments I just resigned myself to the fact that I was going to be really cold and very wet. So it goes.

The crowd grew a little larger at the stage door with many other hopefuls. We were all chatting and talking about the crazy weather and how awesome the show was. After a little bit some people started to sing her song “Sing” and everyone joined it. It became a rousing little Kumbaya moment on the sidewalk. Of course I knew Madonna’s part of the song.

After a short wait we were ushered into the building and told that they were in a hurry but that Annie would sign autographs quickly. Everyone could get one autograph.

I didn’t know what I should have her sign. I called Becca in a panic but she was no help at all. She was sleeping, so she was pretty out of it and the cell phone reception was terrible. So after trying to explain to her what was happening a million times I finally gave up and just said “I’ll talk to you tomorrow” and hung up quick. The women behind me had overheard me on the phone and asked what I was going to have Annie sign. I told them that I had all the cd’s in my bag and that I didn’t know what to do. One of them just looked at me and said “You are so cute. Just relax. Go to your quiet place. Be still”. So I did. Then she asked me what my favorite song of Annie’s is. Without hesitation I said “Into the West”. She said “Ok then…there you go. That’s what you have her sign.” She was right. That was the perfect choice for me.

As I was standing there watching Annie talk to people and giving autographs it just seemed really surreal. It’s so odd when you see people in real life that you have watched on TV for years and years. She is really beautiful in person. She is also small. I just looked at her and was struck by how human and regular she seemed standing there. After a few more moments it was my turn…

Annie: Hello.
Me: Hi. Would you please sign this?
Annie: Sure.

*Annie seemed really surprised that I had “The Lord of the Rings” soundtrack for her to sign. So I figured I’d just tell her why quickly.*

Me: I have to tell you. I absolutely love the song “Into the West”.
Annie: Thank you.
Me: When my mom was in the hospital after being diagnosed with cancer she wanted me to go and buy a cd to listen to while she would be sleeping. I went and bought this cd because of your song on it.

*At this point I started to tear up and my voice started to crack. I couldn’t believe I was getting to emotional about it. She looked at me and grabbed my hand.*

Annie: Oh really. Wow. Thank you.
Me: No, thank you. Your song really helped me deal with what was going on.
Annie: Well, it a good song for that situation. Interestingly enough, you know it was written for someone who had cancer as well.
Me: It’s a beautiful song. It was sung at my mom’s funeral.
Annie: My mother also died of cancer. I know where you are coming from. It’s such a difficult experience. I wish you well.
Me: Thank you. I’d give you a hug but I am soaked from the rain. So I’ll just shake your hand, if that’s ok?

*We shook hands and then she held my hand for a moment and patted it with her other hand.*

Annie: Of course. Thank you for coming.
Me: Thank you. Good Night.

And then she handed back my CD and marker. She smiled and nodded and I headed back into the rain. As I was walking down the street some people that were behind me came running up and told me that they could not believe what just took place. I had to agree. Quite a moment to say the least.

Rainy Thursday

In a few hours I will be sitting in the audience of the Annie Lennox concert. I finally scored a ticket this afternoon. Talk about being down to the wire. Thank God. I would have been totally suicidal if I would have missed it. As the clocked ticked away today I just kept getting more and more stressed. Finally it worked out. Row 11 on the center aisle. Finally…connections payed off.

I have my CD and my sharpie marker all ready to go. Hopefully I will catch her after the show before she gets on her bus. Maybe I will have a crazy story to share tomorrow. Cross your fingers.

This weather is just too much. Talk about seasonal disorder. I am nearing the breaking point. All I want to do is lay in bed under a ton of blankets and sleep. Enough is enough…I need the sun. The weather forecast says sun on Saturday. It better be true, because I am about to mentally snap.

Sara Evans was in the office today. She seemed nice. She walked past my desk and smiled. I was on the phone so I didn’t get a chance to talk to her. A ton of people were here. She’s a big star in the world of country music. Carrie Underwood is coming on Halloween. Now…I wanna meet her.

In other news can I just take a moment and say I hate Hanna Montana and her fans. I really do. If one more freakin’ screaming kid calls my phone unable to breathe because they just thought that they won Hanna Montana concert tickets I am going to end up in jail for losing my shit. Seriously. Tomorrow is going to be a definite challenge since kids don’t have school because of MEA. They will be at home all flipping day calling me trying to win tickets. I am going to go nuts. Don’t even think about prank calling me. I will hunt you down.

How did it begin?

The first time I was asked to do stand up comedy was back in high school. I was a senior and I was out at TEC on a religious retreat (don’t ask…long story – let’s just say I’ve had an interesting life). A woman was on the retreat booked comedy clubs down in Minneapolis. She thought I was hilarious and asked me to come and perform at the club. I said no. I figured she was crazy to say the least. There was no way I was interested in doing stand up comedy. I wanted to act on a sitcom. That was my dream. I never really realized that a lot of sitcom actors started as stand up comics. The devil is in the details, right? So I blew her off and never gave it much thought. A few people that I had mentioned it to thought it was a fantastic idea. I lumped them into the pool of crazies along with the woman from the retreat. I thought it was a terrible idea.

Sometimes in life a missed opportunity does come around again. A second chance.

The first time I did stand up comedy I was interning on “The Rosie O’Donnell Show”. Some of the writers on the show thought I was very funny and arranged for me to perform at the open mic night at the New York Comedy Club. Much of the performance was, and still is, a blur. I just remember getting up on the stage, being nervous as hell, grabbing the microphone off the stand, putting the stand behind me, and hitting the ground running. Then the laughter began.

The first performance was a hit. I was hooked. I remember hearing a lot of laughter (the lights were too bright for me to see anything) and the wave of acceptance hitting me. After the show I was standing outside waiting for my friends and people were coming out of the club and stopping to talk to me. Many shook my hand or patted my shoulder as they passed by telling me they had a riot and how funny I was. It was a surreal moment to say the least. The fat kid from Minnesota makes the jaded New Yorkers laugh hard. Good times.

I was asked back. But, I didn’t go.

Off and on I did stand up comedy…maybe a performance here and there. Twice, maybe three times a year tops. I found it to be fun, but not a serious career consideration. Besides, I figured I knew nothing about stand up comedy. All I knew was my life and my experiences. Which thankfully for me was pretty funny to others.

I ended up doing a showcase at Comic Strip Live! in New York City. Once again I was asked back to perform, but I didn’t go.

I did the open mic night at ACME Comedy Club in Minneapolis and was asked to come back the following week. Yes, you guessed it. I didn’t go.

I am not sure why I never went back to any of the clubs. Seems pretty bizarre to me when I think about it now. I was given chances that any aspiring comic would have killed for. Maybe I was scared of bombing (fortunately for me up to this point I had never really bombed on stage), maybe I was scared of letting go of my dream of being a comic actor, or maybe I was simply scared of success. Who knows. But, I was definitely scared of something.

Fast forward a few years to ACME’s Amateur Stand Up Comedy Contest. I had entered due to the pressure of my roommate at the time. It was a contest that ran over the course of the summer. Each night so many comics performed with the winner of each night advancing to the next level. The night I performed I took first place. I had a bunch of friends and family in the audience and I will never forget hearing my name announced as the winning comic. It was truly the first time I considered comedy to be a profession I was interested in. At the next round I lost. I lost to the guy who would win the entire competition in the next round. I guess if you have to lose, at least lose to the best, right? I wasn’t devastated or really that upset about losing. In a way, it was a relief. I wasn’t ready to become a comic yet in my mind. I was far from it. Backstage I was sitting with the emcee and stand up comic Colleen Kruse and she looked at me and said point blank. “You are a comic. I heard your set. You could easily have a great career in comedy.” I have found most of the comics I have been around to be very supportive. Not all, but the majority. A few are complete nightmares. Absolute terrors. I am not sure how they get that way…I supposed it’s a lethal combination of being a “never was “ mixed with “has been”.

When my mom was in her cancer treatments she was reading Oprah’s magazine and there was an article about a stand up comic who was talking about living the dream and all the horrible things that happened along the way, the sacrifices you make, and how to reach your goal you need to believe and have faith in what you are doing. My mom ripped out the page for me. I came home for the weekend to spend time with her (this was before I moved back home to be with her) and she had it on the fridge for me with my name written in the margin. My mom was my number one fan and supporter. My mom believed in me. She believed in me even when I didn’t believe in myself. I still have that torn page out of a magazine. I will treasure it always. Two years ago I thought I had lost it. I was devastated. But, I found it and it’s now in a safe place tucked between all the letters and cards from her that I have kept over the years.

After my mom died I had no interest in getting back on stage again. It was hard enough to just make it through the day, much less get up on stage and entertain an audience. Forget it. The thought of it would send me into a panicked downward spiral. It was just too much.

Then a call came from my friend Mary (who is a stand up comic). She needed me to perform in a show she was headlining. At first I thought no way. But, as I sat there in silence trying to figure out how to say no I found myself saying yes. I took myself by surprise. I went. I performed. I did very well. Mary got me back on stage when I never thought I would do it again. The date was October 21, 2005. I will never forget that show ever.

Over the years I’ve done many successful shows and also had some disastrous train wrecks. As Rosie O’Donnell says…”Wax on, wax off.” It’s all about balance, I guess. Ying and yang. Light and dark. Hit and miss. But, for the first time I do believe that I can do it. I can have a true career in stand up comedy if I want it. I know it’s not going to be easy or always fun. There will be many disappointments and setbacks along the way. There will be incredible shows and there will be terrible shows. There will be beautiful theatres with captive audiences and there will be skank dives with crowds of ten that could not care less. I no longer fear bombing. Once you bomb onstage and you realize that you didn’t actually die, it’s rather freeing. I no longer fear success. What comes my way is what comes. As Mary told me. “Just do it. Let’s go of the expectations of the end result. It will come.” Who knows where the road will end up. But, I am willing to travel it. I do know this much though…it is going to be an interesting journey. No doubt about it.

Britney Spears

Britney’s new album is called “Blackout”. Seriously. I cannot wait to get it. Hilarious! It’s release has been pushed up due to internet leaks, check for it at the end of October. Sweet.

Week's Highlights

For the most part I haven’t really written anything this week so I figured I would just give the highlights. I am not really sure why I haven’t written. I guess it’s since my thoughts are really scattered for the most part lately. It’s hard to concentrate on any one thought for more than a few seconds. Eh. Such is life.

Sunday
I went with Isabella and my sister, brother-in-law, and dad to the circus at the Target Center. There were protesters outside about animal cruelty. It was weird. I did feel strange walking through them. Even a little guilty. I don’t know how I really feel about the whole circus thing. I am sure that abuse does exist, but I don’t know if every circus is abusive. I am divided on the whole thing overall. With the way the media is so warped nowadays it is beyond difficult to know what to believe. What are all the facts versus the selective facts? What is the real truth?

Isabella loved the show though. She even rode on an elephant and a pony. I told her that she should ask her parents for a pony for Christmas. Because, after all, if they loved her they would get her a pony.

At the circus there was a little boy right behind us that definitely had ADD. Cripes I thought I was going to lose my mind with him. He kept screaming, kicking the back of my chair, dropping his stuff, and so on. After being stabbed by his sword for the hundredth time, I flipped around and told him to just sit and be quiet for a little bit. His grandmother and aunt seemed to be a little horrified but I didn’t care. He is just lucky I didn’t toss him in the cage with the lion and tigers. I was tempted.

Monday
The morning started off with me having my physical. I had to wait an extra 45 minutes to see the doctor. I was stuck out in the waiting room with this really old woman who was racist. It was really surreal. I heard all about her arthritis, how she hates the weather, how her nephew died on vacation in Mexico and all the problems they had getting the body back to the states, how her friend’s husband died in Canada and there was no problem getting his body back. Then back to how she hates Mexico and the Mexicans. Blah, blah, blah. Now, I don’t know how or why these crazy whackos find me…but they do. I was so tempted to just look at her and say “No hablo ingleses.” and watch her have a heart attack. But, then I figured that with my luck she could very well have a real heart attack since she was ancient. I feel in the ranking of sins that murder is worse than racism. I could be wrong though. But, I don’t want to risk it. I am glad that I just looked at her and blinked slowly. Try not to engage.

I survived my physical. All the details have been put into my act. So you need to come and see one of my shows to hear about how I endured yet another round of indignity at the hands of the medical community.

Showtime! I did my second performance at the Monday Night Comedy Show. It went really well. I did some new and different material from my previous performance there and the response was great. The other performers were a mixed bag. Nothing as terrible as Comic Book Guy reading porn though from the first week. Ugh. I still cannot get over it. I seriously think part of me died that night. My soul has not been the same since.

Next stop…ACME Comedy Club open mic night this coming Monday. Hopefully I will get picked to go onstage. Cross your fingers!

Tuesday
I ran to Target quick over my lunch hour. As I was walking back to my car I noticed a little old woman standing there with her arms swinging. Everyone else was walking around her. I was afraid she was having a stroke or something so I walked up to her. When she saw me she screamed and flung herself onto me. She looked at me and said “Thank you! The wind was blowing me over.” Now, it was windy, I will give her that. But not so windy as to whisk away little 80 year old women! So then I had to bring her into the store because she would not let me go. She was truly terrified. Her plastic headscarf was all cockeyed and she was wide eyed from the ordeal. Of course we crept along at a snail’s pace. I should have just offered to give her a piggyback ride. I kept thinking of the Winnie the Pooh story of Piglet and the blustery day. Finally I got her into the store and grabbed a cart for her to use and then I headed back to work. Nothing is ever easy it seems.

Later I was not feeling well at all. So I did not go to Six Ring Circus but instead just went to bed. I was asleep long before Six Ring’s show even started.

Wednesday
I don’t remember Wednesday. That is probably a bad sign. Wow…that was yesterday. Ouch.

Thursday
So far all is quiet. Hummm….

Ross the Intern's "Talky Blog" from the summer cruise!

I Told You All It Was Bad!

Ok...so I heard rumors at tonight's show (which I will post about tomorrow) that Comic Book Guy's terrible performance of reading porn found it's way to youtube. HILARIOUS. Now, honestly...I can't help myself. If you are willing to get up infront a group of people and read porn and think it's an awesome idea...well, you deserve the crap you get.

So here it is. It's not work safe. But, as you can see...every single thing that I wrote about it is true. Honestly...you can't make this up. You really, truly cannot. Ouch.

Enjoy!

Comic Book Guy Reads Porn. WARNING: Not Work Safe!

history rewritten

history rewritten
the man buried
was not the man
i knew
for fifteen years

in the back pew
of this side show of a
funeral
ignored by many
we sat and witnessed
lie after lie
it was
“the greatest show on earth”

they said he was
a man of god
a silent leader
strong in his faith
the man i knew
didn’t even belong to a
church

they said he
spoke to others of christ
and tried to bring them
to the lord
the man i knew
was one of the most un-christ like
that i have known

they said his
house was open
to all who needed
shelter
the man i knew
never wanted to have people over
they were too much of a
nuisance
for him to deal with

they said his
favorite song was
“old rugged cross”
in the fifteen years i knew him
he never listened to music
to him it was just noise

i sat there
moments slipping
between
horror and anger
to
sadness and despair
as his family
rewrote this man’s life
into something
it wasn’t

the man i knew
was
selfish
difficult
dishonest
tortured by his own demons

to this day
i’ll never know
why or how my mom loved him
clearly she saw
a spark
a light
in his soul
that we were
blind
to see

my mom’s presence
erased
in the video tribute
no photo of my mom
not a single one
but many pictures of
his ex-wife
the woman
who left him and the kids
and never looked back

his daughter-in-law
the major general in christ’s army
the one who threatened
to keep him from knowing
his grandkids
sang
“i can only imagine”
no, i could not
in my wildest dreams
imagine this
three ring circus
of
damaged souls

his life
after death
is not the life
he lived

bravo
standing ovation
creative license
taken to new heights
under the big red tent
step right up
and get your
souvenir
to cherish
for all eternity

death

a call from my sister
my step-father died
today
no call from his family
my siblings through marriage
clearly the connection
died with my mom
two years ago

my sister found out
from a friend
who saw it
online
st cloud times dot com

when it happened
i did not figure it
would be like this

i feel like a
castoff
from survivor
banished to exile island
alone

i feel like the
black sheep
in the herd of
white sheep

a circle in a square

not good enough
not worthy of respect
not worthy of courtesy
not worthy of consideration
of any kind

i will not pretend
that his death
means more to me
than it does
but
truthfully
it's affecting me more
greater than i ever
thought
it would

he was a difficult man
to know and more difficult to love
but yet my mom found a way

to honor her
i showed him respect and kindness and dignity
and made an effort
time and time and time
again

he was a part of my life
without my permission
for thirteen years
almost half my life
thirteen christmases
thirteen thanksgivings
thirteen birthdays
thirteen long years

speaking to his sister
who was close to my mom
she asked me on the phone tonight
“are you gonna pop in to the visitation?”
pop in?
i was rendered speechless
pop in…
as if it’s something to do
if there is nothing else going on
or better to do
like
go the store
get some groceries
get a haircut
do some errands
and then just simply
pop in
to a funeral

after thirteen years
of life
do you just
pop in
to your step-fathers funeral?

then i thought
maybe i am not welcome
at his funeral
if i go
will i
be asked
to leave

do i have the right to go?
should i go?

i am on the
crazy train
that is about to
derail
and plunge down a
mountainside

i feel nothing
i am numb
from head to toe
sitting in a dark room

for years
i hated him
for all that he was
and all that he wasn’t

my mom
on her deathbed
made me promise
that
i would be kind
to him
for her
after she was gone
and i was
even though the
kindness was not returned
in any degree

after her death
we were treated like
damaged goods
and she was
banished from the house
no trace of her remained
expect one single picture
of him and her

a life erased

i thought of his death
many times over
and what it would be like
and how would i feel
an obsession
of sorts

now that the day has come
i can say
without any doubt
i did not
think
i would feel
like this



SMITHEREENS by Annie Lennox

I heard you crying
I learned the story
I saw the shadows behind the past
They fall behind you and creep up slowly
You're only human behind the mask

So don't take me down
I couldn't stand to watch you fall
'Cause everybody has a broken heart
Remember this
I couldn't stand to break it down to smithereens

And you say everybody is an island of their own
And you say everybody has a tender heart
Remember this
I couldn't stand to break it down to smithereens

Suzanne Vega and Tuesday's Tid Bits

**Suzanne Vega was just in the studio. She is not friendly at all. Wow. I need a sweater…the temperature just dropped about 30 degrees since she came in. I refer to her now as Frosty the Folk Singer.

Had I known she was going to be so unpleasant, I would have had a little fun with her when she arrived.

I would have said…”Hey Suzanne…you’ll never believe this but my name is Luka and I live on the second floor.”

Or maybe…”Last night I was sitting at Tom’s Diner and I saw a woman shaking her umbrella.”

Or even…”Hey Suzanne…does your blood still make noise?”

But…no. Sadly no. Instead I just have frostbite from the encounter with a miserable musician. To quote my good friend Paula Abdul, “She’s a cold hearted snake, don’t look into her eyes.”

**I have drank way too much liquid today. I feel all slushy, but I am still thirsty. I keep looking at my water bottle and licking my lips, but then I just about tip over because all the fluid in my body rushes to one side. My stomach hurts.

**I overslept this morning by half an hour. I haven’t done that in ages. In fact, I don’t even remember the last time I overslept was. It’s been that long. I am still tired though. But, you would be amazed at how quickly I showered. I was quick. Quick like lightning. Which being like lightning is dangerous when you are in the shower. You can get electrocuted.

**While driving to work this morning I was listening to the new Faith Hill song “Red Umbrella” (not to be confused with Rihanna’s “Umbrella”) and I noticed that in my backseat, on the floor, a red umbrella. How awesome is that? It would have been more awesome had Faith Hill been sitting in the front seat.

**I am still grossed out about comic book guy reading porn on stage. Ish. Ish with a capital “I”.

**My co-worker was just eating candy bars in the bathroom. This place is too weird today…even by our standards. Most days I simply don’t get paid enough to put up with all the weirdness. I really don’t.

Mondy Night Comedy Night

Last night I did my first show at The Beat, a coffee house in uptown, as part of the Monday Night Comedy Night. It was an interesting night all around. It’s a pretty cool space and the producers are really great guys. It’s primarily a younger audience and that is sometimes a challenge since you really have to work hard to win them over. It’s like the open mic night at ACME Comedy Club…all college kids. They let you know in a hurry if they like you or not.

The first performer was a guitar player who did these songs that are kind of improve-esque. The crowd seemed to really enjoy them a great deal. He was a hit. He had a very easy going stage presence. You wanted to like him and you did.

The second performer was horrible. Totally repulsive on every level. The guy reminds me of the comic book guy from “The Simpson’s” not only physically and vocally, but also personality wise. I had seen him perform many times before at Six Ring Circus and he was pretty terrible. I say “was” because he is no longer involved with Six Ring Circus thankfully. I would have probably quit had him and I been on the same team. So his performance last night was reading the letters to “Penthouse” magazine. WTF? Are you kidding me? For real? How is this a good idea in any way, shape, or form? Oh wait…it’s not a good idea at all. It’s a terrible freakin’ idea. Quite possibly one of the worst ideas I have ever heard of. He actually had the letters ripped out of the magazine in folder.

First off…to pull something like this off you really would need to be a likeable, engaging character. Not a creepy, swarmy, ick sort of character. The crowd sat there horrified. I was really close to just walking out. I wanted nothing to do with the show after seeing him perform, but I didn’t. I didn’t want to be the jerk that pulled an ego trip, but wow…it took everything I had in me to stay. Becca wanted to leave. After a few readings of the letters the crowd was done with him. You could hear a pin drop. They even stopped looking at him. Heads were turned off to the side or down towards the floor. People were checking their phones. Two people actually did get up and leave. It was beyond painful. It was literally like watching a death take place before your eyes. Ugh.

Then finally came the blackout and it was over. I just sat there thinking…how in the hell am I going to get up on stage after that? How am I going to win back the audience? How is this even going to work? After the intermission it was my time to hit the stage. I figured just start strong and let the rest of it sort itself out. But, I figured that I did need to comment on what just took place. So I grabbed the mic and said…

“Well, tonight is my first night at the Monday Night Comedy Show and wow is it an interesting roller coaster ride so far. First we had the guy who did some funny songs with his guitar. Then we had the guy with the “I’m too pathetic to ever see a real vagina monologues” and now we are going to do some stand up comedy. Are you ready?”

The crowd went nuts. Thank God. I figured it would go one of two ways…either they would find it funny or they would get mad at me making fun of comic book guy. But, the way I see it…if you willingly get up on stage and want to read pornography out loud to strangers in a coffee shop…then you’re a sitting duck in my eyes. Like shooting fish in a barrel. You made yourself a target. Good luck to you.

My set went really well. I heard a lot of positive things…so that was nice. In the end I’m glad that I stayed, I ended up having a lot of fun despite the horror of comic book guy.

I will be performing there next week. I’m debating about either doing stand up comedy or a dramatic reading of some editorials from “Hustler”. Oh wait…I have common sense. I guess I will just stick to the stand up comedy. Cripes.

Health Benefits, Raccoons, and M&M's: Just Another Day!

This morning at work we had our annual Benefits meeting for the upcoming year. Sneaky buggers. Rates are going up and there are more hoops to jump through to get the wellness discount. To get the discount you need to have met so many requirements over the past year. Well, I got my flu shot. That was one of them. I didn’t join a gym or a sports team because I’m not crazy. Nor did I get a pap smear or mammogram because I’m not a chick. So that leaves me with getting a physical. Son of a $!%@#. So next Monday I get to do the whole turn and cough routine and I am not going to like it one bit. I swear to God I am not going to enjoy it at all. Sick. So now after I get my physical all I have to do over the next year is get a flu shot, take the wellness assessment online, work with an online life coach for healthy living, have another physical, log 36 activities such as biking, playing tennis, or my personal favorite…cleaning the house. Seriously…are these Benefit bigwigs being tested for drug addiction? Because clearly someone in a big fancy office somewhere is hitting the crack pipe hardcore. Bastards.

Last night I noticed that my garbage was really smelly. Like stinky smelly. Ish. So I bagged it up and was going to take it out to the dumpster in the back parking lot. As I was heading out the door I remembered that on Friday night when I came home I saw a bunch of raccoons in the dumpster and under the cars. Well, that took care of that. Back into the apartment I went with the horrible smelling bag of garbage. Getting attacked by a gaze of wild raccoons was not on the night’s to do list. (Note: I did do some research, I guess a group of raccoons is called a “gaze”. Who knew?) When I came home the other night I was greeted by a bunch of eyeballs popping up out of the dumpster. I stopped for a minute trying to figure out what the hell was looking at me. Once I realized they were raccoons I then went and parked and got my stuff out of the backseat. While I unloading my bags I heard the raccoons create a lot of chatter amongst themselves. They really squeak and click let me tell you. So I turned around and once again I saw all these eyeballs staring back at me. Here they were all perched on top of the garbage on their hind legs watching me. I am not going to lie. It was a little odd. So I stopped and watched them watching me. Then I realized that I was standing in a dark parking lot trying to stare down some wild animals and figured it probably wasn’t a good idea to test fate. I hear a shot for rabies is really painful. I don’t want to risk it. I already push the limits of reason as it is. I am lucky that I survived the infamous incident involving a mountain ram in the mountains of Switzerland back in 1994. True story. Some lessons you only need to learn once.

Tonight I have yet another show. I had all summer off and now this past month I’ve done eight shows between stand up comedy and Six Ring Circus. Feast or famine, I guess. I’m not complaining by any means. I would rather be doing a show than not performing. Sitting at home isn’t going to advance my career at all. But, today I am dragging big time. I just want to go to bed and sleep for a month. I didn’t sleep well last night. Every now and again I have these bouts of insomnia where I can’t stop my mind from racing and just relax and fall asleep. Last night was one of those nights.

In other news I had the new raspberry flavored M&M’s. How weird is that? They were kind of good in a raspberry chocolate candy sort of way. I did like the color though. They are very pretty to eat. Being the M&M connoisseur that I am, I have to admit, the jury is still out on these new M&M’s though. I might have to give it a few days and some more samplings to come to a definite opinion. After all, I do like to keep an open mind about things that are new and different. (I cannot believe I just typed that sentence with a straight face! HA!)