Health Benefits, Raccoons, and M&M's: Just Another Day!

This morning at work we had our annual Benefits meeting for the upcoming year. Sneaky buggers. Rates are going up and there are more hoops to jump through to get the wellness discount. To get the discount you need to have met so many requirements over the past year. Well, I got my flu shot. That was one of them. I didn’t join a gym or a sports team because I’m not crazy. Nor did I get a pap smear or mammogram because I’m not a chick. So that leaves me with getting a physical. Son of a $!%@#. So next Monday I get to do the whole turn and cough routine and I am not going to like it one bit. I swear to God I am not going to enjoy it at all. Sick. So now after I get my physical all I have to do over the next year is get a flu shot, take the wellness assessment online, work with an online life coach for healthy living, have another physical, log 36 activities such as biking, playing tennis, or my personal favorite…cleaning the house. Seriously…are these Benefit bigwigs being tested for drug addiction? Because clearly someone in a big fancy office somewhere is hitting the crack pipe hardcore. Bastards.

Last night I noticed that my garbage was really smelly. Like stinky smelly. Ish. So I bagged it up and was going to take it out to the dumpster in the back parking lot. As I was heading out the door I remembered that on Friday night when I came home I saw a bunch of raccoons in the dumpster and under the cars. Well, that took care of that. Back into the apartment I went with the horrible smelling bag of garbage. Getting attacked by a gaze of wild raccoons was not on the night’s to do list. (Note: I did do some research, I guess a group of raccoons is called a “gaze”. Who knew?) When I came home the other night I was greeted by a bunch of eyeballs popping up out of the dumpster. I stopped for a minute trying to figure out what the hell was looking at me. Once I realized they were raccoons I then went and parked and got my stuff out of the backseat. While I unloading my bags I heard the raccoons create a lot of chatter amongst themselves. They really squeak and click let me tell you. So I turned around and once again I saw all these eyeballs staring back at me. Here they were all perched on top of the garbage on their hind legs watching me. I am not going to lie. It was a little odd. So I stopped and watched them watching me. Then I realized that I was standing in a dark parking lot trying to stare down some wild animals and figured it probably wasn’t a good idea to test fate. I hear a shot for rabies is really painful. I don’t want to risk it. I already push the limits of reason as it is. I am lucky that I survived the infamous incident involving a mountain ram in the mountains of Switzerland back in 1994. True story. Some lessons you only need to learn once.

Tonight I have yet another show. I had all summer off and now this past month I’ve done eight shows between stand up comedy and Six Ring Circus. Feast or famine, I guess. I’m not complaining by any means. I would rather be doing a show than not performing. Sitting at home isn’t going to advance my career at all. But, today I am dragging big time. I just want to go to bed and sleep for a month. I didn’t sleep well last night. Every now and again I have these bouts of insomnia where I can’t stop my mind from racing and just relax and fall asleep. Last night was one of those nights.

In other news I had the new raspberry flavored M&M’s. How weird is that? They were kind of good in a raspberry chocolate candy sort of way. I did like the color though. They are very pretty to eat. Being the M&M connoisseur that I am, I have to admit, the jury is still out on these new M&M’s though. I might have to give it a few days and some more samplings to come to a definite opinion. After all, I do like to keep an open mind about things that are new and different. (I cannot believe I just typed that sentence with a straight face! HA!)