death

a call from my sister
my step-father died
today
no call from his family
my siblings through marriage
clearly the connection
died with my mom
two years ago

my sister found out
from a friend
who saw it
online
st cloud times dot com

when it happened
i did not figure it
would be like this

i feel like a
castoff
from survivor
banished to exile island
alone

i feel like the
black sheep
in the herd of
white sheep

a circle in a square

not good enough
not worthy of respect
not worthy of courtesy
not worthy of consideration
of any kind

i will not pretend
that his death
means more to me
than it does
but
truthfully
it's affecting me more
greater than i ever
thought
it would

he was a difficult man
to know and more difficult to love
but yet my mom found a way

to honor her
i showed him respect and kindness and dignity
and made an effort
time and time and time
again

he was a part of my life
without my permission
for thirteen years
almost half my life
thirteen christmases
thirteen thanksgivings
thirteen birthdays
thirteen long years

speaking to his sister
who was close to my mom
she asked me on the phone tonight
“are you gonna pop in to the visitation?”
pop in?
i was rendered speechless
pop in…
as if it’s something to do
if there is nothing else going on
or better to do
like
go the store
get some groceries
get a haircut
do some errands
and then just simply
pop in
to a funeral

after thirteen years
of life
do you just
pop in
to your step-fathers funeral?

then i thought
maybe i am not welcome
at his funeral
if i go
will i
be asked
to leave

do i have the right to go?
should i go?

i am on the
crazy train
that is about to
derail
and plunge down a
mountainside

i feel nothing
i am numb
from head to toe
sitting in a dark room

for years
i hated him
for all that he was
and all that he wasn’t

my mom
on her deathbed
made me promise
that
i would be kind
to him
for her
after she was gone
and i was
even though the
kindness was not returned
in any degree

after her death
we were treated like
damaged goods
and she was
banished from the house
no trace of her remained
expect one single picture
of him and her

a life erased

i thought of his death
many times over
and what it would be like
and how would i feel
an obsession
of sorts

now that the day has come
i can say
without any doubt
i did not
think
i would feel
like this



SMITHEREENS by Annie Lennox

I heard you crying
I learned the story
I saw the shadows behind the past
They fall behind you and creep up slowly
You're only human behind the mask

So don't take me down
I couldn't stand to watch you fall
'Cause everybody has a broken heart
Remember this
I couldn't stand to break it down to smithereens

And you say everybody is an island of their own
And you say everybody has a tender heart
Remember this
I couldn't stand to break it down to smithereens