Rosie, Ross and Me! Day 6 – Great Stirrup Cay, Bahamas. Wednesday, July 11th, 2007.

I love Rosie. I really truly do. She is the real deal and I am proud to be a fan of her's.

Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me. Day 6 – Great Stirrup Cay, Bahamas. Wednesday, July 11th, 2007.

Pictures from the karaoke escapade in the Dazzles Lounge.

Day 6 – Great Stirrup Cay, Bahamas. Wednesday, July 11th, 2007. PICTURES.

Day 6 – Great Stirrup Cay, Bahamas. Wednesday, July 11th, 2007.

I actually fell asleep…for a little while, at least. Can you believe it? But, when my alarm went off at 7 AM, I actually did swear a little. I just remember thinking “Go figure. The one &^#@$*%$@ time I actually fall asleep is the morning when I have to get up early to go and do yoga for the first time in my life. Dammit. Screwed at every turn, as usual.” So I got up and got ready for my adventure in fitness. Tyler was going to come along but he was sick. So he popped some more Dramamine and went back to bed. Which, in hindsight, was for the best. Yoga is not for the weak. Tyler probably could have never hacked it. Cry baby.

When I got up to the fitness center, Susan came up to me and grabbed me and said how happy she was that I showed up. Now, Susan is a vision of insanity in the morning. She was wearing a tank top with her bra showing, leggings with boxer shorts over the top of them, leg warmers on her knees, and high heel shoes. She then continued to tell me that I will need to modify the poses since I have never done it before and that it was fine. I took my place on my little foam mat in the corner and began stretching. I think it’s actually been years since I stretched out. After a series of loud snaps, crackles, and pops I was ready to begin yoga-ing. Once it started, there was no turning back. Boom! Down on the mat, back up, leg twisted, arm in the air. Over and over and over. Susan would yell at me from across the room. “Jason, get your arm up. Make the line!” “Modify, Jason, modify!” “You did it, Jason. Awesome line!” Then she would come over and poke, prod, poke, pull, poke, and push my body into submission. Downward dog is the only position name I remember. I thought it would be funny to bark once, but when she walked past me I chickened out and went with my better judgment to not do it. Susan would have probably killed me. After an hour of crazy positions and intense sweating class was over. I was exhausted. Yoga is a lot of hard work. Who knew?

After class I returned to cabin and got cleaned up for the day. I was rather looking forward to the adventure of the day…snorkeling off the private island in the Bahamas. How freakin’ cool is that? The ship anchored off the coast of the island and we had to take smaller boats over to the island. While sitting on the ferry boat we were joking around and this guy behind us heard Becca joke about being a surrogate. Well, that got his attention and started drilling her about it. Hilarious. He was a little crazy, if you ask me. Definitely a few fries short of a Happy Meal. A few moments later we saw Rosie and her family get onto our boat. I figured this would be a good time to go and talk to her. So I got up and went down to the lower level of the boat and waited to chat. Here’s the exchange...

Jason: Hi Rosie! I just wanted to thank you for this trip.
Rosie: You’re welcome. I hope you are having fun.
Jason: Yeah, I am... It’s amazing. I won it on your blog.
Rosie: You did? That’s fantastic. Well let me shake your hand.
*gets up and shakes my hand*
Jason: The crazy thing is 10 years ago I worked for your show as an intern.
Rosie: Really? Wow. Wait….was I nice to you?
Jason: Yes, you were. You were very kind to me.
Rosie: That’s good to know. After my show ended everyone started saying how I was a real bitch to them. *she laughs*
Jason: Not to me. You were great. You really were.

And with that I said goodbye and rejoined my friends.

The island was AMAZING. It was beautiful. White sands and crystal clear water. We went snorkeling and saw fish (a lot of Dorys, but no Nemos) and even a stingray. I was a little nervous around the stingray. Granted the Steve Irwin accident was a freak one-in-a million incident, but with my luck I would be the two-in-a-million victim. I have terrible luck with animals. I’ve been bitten by a horse, stalked by a wild turkey, tripped by a puppy, and the list can go on and on. No lie. The stingray was fearless and would go as close to the shore as it could. You would just see people scatter like crazy to get out of it’s path. So clearly I was not alone in being cautious. I loved snorkeling. I had never done it before and I definitely want to do it again. It’s one of the most peaceful and relaxing things I have ever done. I am such a fan of water to begin with. I love all things aquatic (except seaweed), so I was definitely in my element.

We found a small hermit crab by our chairs. I did enjoy playing with it until it pinched my finger. After I was brutally attacked by the crab, I lost all interest in it. Hopefully one of the birds got him. That would be the ultimate revenge. Stupid crab.

The day was spent just hanging out, swimming, snorkeling, and relaxing. Incase you were wondering…yes I did sing “La Isla Bonita” on the island. I did twirl in the sand and splash in the water. “Tropical island breeze…all that makes you wild and free”. Yeah, I did it…and I don’t care who saw it. I’m owning it.

Later than night we went to the Euan Morton concert. Becca scored us seats up in the balcony and Ross the Intern and his mom were in our row. I’m a huge Ross fan, so I talked to him about his segments on “The Tonight Show” and I got a picture. We all just kept chatting back and forth since it was only the 5 of us in the row. We talked about the cruise, about his blog, about celebrity fit club and so on. It was kind of surreal to be having a real conversation with someone you see on TV a lot. But, Ross is one of the nicest people I have ever met. He is real and genuine. No “Hollywood” pretense about him.

Euan played the role of Boy George in “Taboo” in London and on Broadway. He is an amazing singer and was quite funny in the show. I always appreciate a witty sense of humor in someone. The concert was great. He sang songs from Taboo, his cd, and even the theme song from a Barbie movie. It was quite funny. But, when he sang Joni Mitchell’s “River” the mood quickly shifted. Every time I hear that song I think back to the first Christmas after my mom died and I was driving down 94 and was stuck behind a hearse and “River” came on the radio. It was gut-wrenching. Now when I hear that song, I have a hard time not crying. It’s just one of those things.

Rosie and her family ended up sitting in the row in front of us along with Sharon Glese (she played Cagney on “Cagney and Lacey”). After the show, Rosie and Ross talked about going to karaoke and Ross invited us along. I asked Rosie if she would sing “La Isla Bonita” and she said she would. But, unfortunately they didn’t have it. But, how much fun would that have been to see Rosie sing “La Isla Bonita” at karaoke after spending the day on a real tropical island? Once in a lifetime people. Once in a freakin’ lifetime. But, no such luck. Instead Rosie and Ross sang “Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me” and it was a comedy gold.

At karaoke I saw Alec Mapa across the bar and sent Tyler over to invite him and his partner to join us. I was thrilled to finally meet Alec. He is a great guy. Very kind and sincere. We all had a great laugh as we watched Ross sing “Unwell”. Ross says he has the voice of an angel. Hummm. But, I got a great picture taken of Rosie, Ross and myself at karaoke. Sweet.

After karaoke we ended up going to grab something to eat at Blue Lagoon. Now Tyler had a little too much to drink and was getting slightly hammered. Is that possible? I guess not…either you are hammered or you are not. Tyler was hammered. Becca was starving and ordered pretty much the whole menu at Blue Lagoon. Chicken strips, macaroni & cheese, fries, soup...you name it. The only thing that wasn’t ordered was the hot dog. I’m not joking. Tyler kept saying he wasn’t hungry. But once he saw the food he must have changed his mind. Here’s what happened…

Becca: *to me* What’s a matter with him?
Jason: He’s drunk.
Becca: Ugh. Tyler you should eat something.
Tyler: No, I’m not hungry.
Becca: Do you want some of my macaroni and cheese?
Tyler: Nope.
*two seconds later*
Tyler: Hey…can I have some of that macaroni and cheese?
Becca: Yeah, I just offered you some.
*Tyler takes the bowl and it’s gone in about four seconds*
Becca: What the hell. You ate it all.

Now…even I know better than to get in-between Becca and her macaroni & cheese. Talk about risking bodily harm and tempting death. It was like watching a train wreck happen right before my eyes. For the rest of the cruise all we heard about was her sunburn and the stolen macaroni & cheese.

Becca turned in for the night and we ran into Ross and his mom and headed down to the Piano bar. It was really nice to just sit and talk and all get to know each other. As the piano bar closed for the night, Rosie and her friend, Jackie, walked past and told Ross that they were going to the casino for awhile. Ross invited us to join them. It was hands down the best time on the whole trip. I never laughed so hard. Rosie is as hysterical in real life as she is on stage. I’m not gonna share what all went on, out of respect for Rosie and her private life. But, trust me. It was hilarious. It was a true glimpse into her life as a regular person and not as a celebrity. One of my favorite moments was running into Sharon Glese in the casino. Since we were with Ross we were welcomed into their little circle of friends. I put my hand out to Sharon and said “Hi, I’m Jason.” And she shook my hand and said “I’m Sharon. Nice to meet you.” (Little did she know in a few short days I would be her saving grace. HA! But, more on that later.) Sharon was so nice and I had some great laughs with Jackie and Rosie.

After awhile we called it a night and went back to the cabin. Of course we woke up Becca to tell her the story of our crazy night and then I tried in vain to fall asleep before them. No such luck. After a few minutes I heard the unmistakable sound of them snoring loudly and sleeping soundly.

Laying there looking at nothing in the darkness…I actually considered going up to the pool deck and try sleeping on a deck chair. But, it was too hot out. I may be awake in the cabin, but at least I was cool. Besides, in just a few short hours it would be time to get up again.

Sunset in Key West.

Day 5 – Key West, Florida. Tuesday, July 10th, 2007.

Surprise, surprise, surprise…morning came and I was wide awake listening to Becca and Tyler snoring…only this time they were in unison. It was a symphony of horror. It was pretty amazing though that I was not as crabby as I should have been. I didn’t really get punchy until the last day in New York City. But, let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

Today’s port was Key West. I had never been there before, but I had heard it was a fun little town. Right…. Stepping off the ship we were greeted with what felt like 100 degree heat and 99 percent humidity. I thought I was going to die. I am not even joking. I looked at Becca and Tyler and said “I am too fat for this city.” Key West = Death. Ugh. It was so freakin hot and sunny that I decided I needed a hat to wear to keep from burning my head. I never wear hats because I look terrible in them. After what seemed to be hours of wandering in and out of shops I finally found a hat that would at least fit. The hat was beyond ridiculous though…it was orange, brown, and yellow camouflage. It’s a terrible hat. But, I was beyond desperate at this point. Twenty six dollars later I am walking down the street looking like a total numbnut…but, at least my head is not burning.

We walked down Duval Street darting in and out of shops that had air conditioning to keep from having heat stroke. We meandered down to the ocean and had a drink at this little beach club. Then we found the “southernmost point in the continental USA”. It sounds more exciting that it really is. I refused to take a picture of me smiling at this national landmark. What a crock of %*%$@#^$. We then wandered back to the ship down a different street for a change of scenery. We ended up passing by Ernest Hemmingway’s house and then strolled through the Key West ghetto…eh…not pretty. We should have stayed on Duval Street. Once in the ghetto we discovered numerous wild chickens strutting about. Yes, I said chickens. Here in Minnesota we keep them in coops, but in Key West they let them roam free. It was weird. We crossed paths with a hen and a bunch of chicks eating crap along the side of the curb. Luckily I was not attacked by a chicken. I kept my distance to be safe. Chickens are unpredictable creatures. My niece, Isabella, got pecked by a chicken at the MN Zoo over a year ago and to this day we still re-live it every time she sees a chicken.

Now to be fair, Key West did give me one the most uncontrollable, hysterical laughing fits I have ever had. Given the scorching heat and the fact that we had been sitting on plastic chairs at the bar, we were all a little sweaty. But, Becca, gives a whole new definition to the word “sweaty”. Her light colored pants betrayed her sweaty legs by revealing this giant, enormous, humongous, U-shaped sweat stain going up from her right knee, up her inner thighs, and back down to the left knee. It made the day she wore her pants over her wet swimsuit seem like she had just spilt a Dixie cup half full of water on her crotch. (Note: I have to admit…even now I am laughing my ass off remembering this. It was so out-of-this world funny. Oh God, my stomach hurts.) Of course Becca was horrified. But, I literally doubled over on the street, laughing hysterically and crying my eyes out. I could not move an inch because I was laughing so hard. It was hilarious. I was going to take a picture but Becca threatened physical violence and at that moment she was truly capable of it. So unfortunately there is no picture of it. Which is a shame because at this rate we could have a fold-out calendar just of Becca’s wet pants incidents.

Back at the ship we tried to get some rest (didn’t work…they snore even when taking naps), had some more food, and just relaxed and tried to recover from all the misery that was Key West. I could not wait until we would set sail from that horrid little island. But, I will always have my “awesome” hat to remind me of how I was strong enough to survive not only the depths of hell…but also the chickens.

The big entertainment, other than Becca’s wet pants, was The Ultimate Stand Up Comedy Showcase starring Judy Gold, Alec Mapa, and Jessica Kirson. All three were brilliant comics and had the audiences rolling in the aisles. If you ever get a chance to see any of them perform, don’t pass it by. Trust me, you will love it.

After another late meal (I am not joking…we ate like crazy homeless people at a buffet. The ship is all about food. Just be warned that if you ever go on a cruise…you will gain weight. Brace yourself.), we headed back to the cabin. I thought I would probably just crash from exhaustion…snoring or no snoring. I was wrong. I was dead wrong. I got up and went wandering around for a little bit. I ended up running into Susan Powter. Now, many of you will remember Susan from the height of her popularity as a fitness guru from the late 80’s early 90’s. Yes…the one, the only….Susan “Stop the Insanity” Powter. She used to have a blond buzz-cut and was very intense. Well…now she has long blond and pink dreadlocks and many tattoos and is even more intense. C-R-A-Z-Y. Sandra Bernhard summed it up best in her show when she said “I ran into Susan Powter today. You remember her…”Stop the insanity”? Well, it looks like it started up again.” Very true. Very true indeed. So I asked her about her yoga class that she was teaching and I told her that I was thinking about taking it. She looked me dead in the eye, grabbed my arm and said “You can take the class, and you will take the class.” Honestly, she scared the crap out of me, so I said “Sure, I will be there.” Then she said “8 AM tomorrow morning, find me when you get there.” Then she looked at me and said “Why were you thinking about taking the class?” I looked at her and replied “I think it is time to start making some changes in my life.” Which is true. I need to do something to get my weight under control and the f-ing buffets on the ship are not helping matters. Susan looked me up and down, stared me in the eye and finally said. “You can make a change. You will make a change. You NEED to make a change. See you in the morning.” Thinking back, I wonder if she was trying to let me know that I am fat in an ever so subtle way. Hummm.

After that, I went back to the room of no sleep fearing what the morning would bring.

Best part of Key West – The amazing sunset. It’s a real photo. Nothing changed or altered about it. The little spots in the water are boats. Love it.

Worst part of Key West – Everything else. Did I mention I hated Key West?

Day 4 – Port Canaveral, Florida. Monday, July 9th, 2007.

Morning came fast and furious. Another night with no sleep. It’s starting to become an experiment in sleep depravation. I skipped breakfast in order to get a little bit of sleep in. Seize the moments when you can, right? Well Tyler ended up meeting Alec Mapa (Vern from “Desperate Housewives”) at breakfast. Dammit. The one chance I get to sleep and I get screwed over by missing a celebrity sighting. Whatever.

The day’s agenda included Cocoa Beach, the Erasure concert, and Alec Mapa’s stand up comedy show.

Cocoa Beach was a lot of fun. Sun, sand, and waves. Good times. I pretty much marinated my whole body in sunscreen. I know that I am a delicate moonflower that is sun sensitive. No way in hell was I going to burn. Now…Becca…that’s another story. Now, when sitting on an ocean beach under the scorching sun….one doesn’t need to be a rocket scientist to know that you will probably burn to a crisp in a matter of minutes. Me, being the voice of common sense that I am, tried to explain this to her numerous times. Here is a sample of our conversation.

ME: Becca, put on sunscreen. You are going to burn.
BECCA: I will in a little bit.
ME: Becca, put on sunscreen. You are going to burn.
BECCA: I will. I just want to get a little color.
ME: Becca, put on sunscreen. You are going to burn.
BECCA: I will. I just want to go in the water for a little bit first.
ME: Becca, put on sunscreen. You are going to burn.
BECCA: I know. I will after I go into the water once more.
ME: Becca, put on sunscreen. You are going to burn.
BECCA: Yeah…in a minute.
**a little while later**
BECCA: OMG. I am burned. I am as red as a lobster.
ME: Becca, you should have put on sunscreen. Now you are burned.

I, no we, heard about Becca’s sunburn for the next 6 days straight. Everyone on the ship heard about Becca’s sunburn. I think she put it in the ship’s newsletter.

Unfortunately, Becca was not the only one with problems at Cocoa Beach. Tyler had some issues with his choice of swimwear and it’s lack of a mesh liner. Apparently the seam of the shorts kept coming in contact with a certain sensitive area south of the waistline. The best advice I had to offer was for him to just hold his junk and keep the seam from coming in contact with his man parts. What can I say? After the sunscreen ordeal I was done being the voice of reason. Much to my shock, Tyler did take my advice…which I did not anticipate him doing. Because as Becca illustrated no one ever listens to me. All I am saying is this…it’s awkward swimming next to someone when they have their hands in there shorts holding on to themselves. Maybe I should have thought of plan B. I’m just saying…

After fun in the sun, Tyler and I headed back to the ship while Becca stayed behind to do a little shopping (I think she headed over to the Cocoa Beach Adult Emporium, but I can’t prove it). While we were waiting for the shuttle bus we saw Becca approaching in the distance. She had put her pants on over her wet swimsuit thus creating a look resembling someone who failed miserably at practicing bladder control. Hilarious. She looked like Fergie did when she wet herself on stage during a concert. No lie. I could not stop laughing. If only I had my camera with me at that moment. Dammit. That would have been a great season’s greeting card. Becca was not amused. A sign of things to come.

The Erasure concert was a blast. I went twice…because I am a super fan. Oh yeah, I am. The first time I was in the front row, the second time I was in the middle of the center section. I went to the first show by myself because Tyler and Becca went to get in line to get good seats for the stand up comedy show. They sang all my favorite songs…”A Little Respect”, “Sometimes”, “I Could Fall In Love With You” and many more. It was fantastic.

After the concert I bolted over to the stand up comedy show. Becca and Tyler scored front row seats. Well done. They also made some new friends with the people next to us. It turned out that one of them, Bob, does the voice of Porky Pig. How crazy is that? Alec was a riot and we laughed like crazy. A good time had by all. After the show we ran back to the other theatre for the second Erasure show. The crowd was much more rowdy, which was fun. It must have been a combination of a later show and the fact that people had more time to booze it up. I ended up dancing like a madman and singing “A Little Respect” with this rough looking lesbian in the row in front of me. I think she thought I was a chick. I get mistaken for a lesbian quite often. I wish I was joking, but I’m not. Apparently I got a killer hot lesbian look about me. Who knew? But we rocked it out anyways. Once the show was over the crowd went apeshit demanding an encore. Erasure never returned to the stage despite the chanting of 1,100 people. When the cruise ship director Simon (think of a closeted Australian male version of Julie from the “Loveboat”) to tell everyone the show was over, I thought there was going to be a freakin’ riot. The mob of angry gays and lesbians started to throw their glow sticks at the stage and boo and hiss. In a way it was really, really, really funny. It was the sort of angry mob that would say “Ooooo…I’m so gosh darn angry, I could spit nails. Boo. Hiss. You stink, Mr. Man” They quickly closed the curtains as more glow sticks were hurled at Simon’s head. Hilarious.

After some more food and drinks we headed back to the cabin for the night. Ahh, yes…my favorite part of the day...getting ready for bed knowing that I will be laying there, looking at the ceiling for hours while I listen to the two of them sawing logs all night long.

*insert loud snoring sound here*

Day 3 – At Sea. Sunday, July 8th, 2007.

Woke up tired as hell. Another sleepless night for me. Sharing a cabin with the World Snoring Champs is proving to be interesting. Hour after hour, looking at the ceiling, hour after hour after hour.

It’s a day at sea. Pretty low-key, which is nice. Just wandering around the ship, eating, watching tv, and eating,. Two shows I am dying to see take place today…Sandra Bernhard’s comedy show and Seth’s Chatterbox starring Andrea McArdle.

Becca decided to take a nap and skip out of Chatterbox. Big mistake. The show was a riot. Andrea recounted all the times she was wrote up by Equity over stunts she pulled over the years as a Broadway star. My personal favorite was her story of the time she had a huge one pound bag of M&M’s in her costume pocket and forgot about it during her overly dramatic death scene in “Les Miz”. When it came time for her to “die” she wedged her foot into the barricade and then threw herself backwards and hung upside down. Next thing she knew M&M’s started to rain down the barricade and roll into the orchestra pit. I would have paid serious money to see that. I’m talking big buck$. Andrea was quite charming and defiantly holds a place in Broadway history. Becca had an interesting exchange with her on the last night of the trip…but more on that later.

Sandra Bernhard is one of my all time favorites. She is incredible. Her wit and humor is unmatched. Once it went dark Sandra came down the aisle from the back of the theatre singing “And I’m Telling You I’m Not Going” and did a fantastic job. Sandra and I have that in common. Neither one of us is afraid of letting loose our inner black woman. Once she was down the aisle she picked a guy and did a hilarious rant on how she never expected to see him there and how he did her wrong and that she is willing to forgive him. Sandra then looked at the guy he was with and started singing the Brandy and Monica anthem “The Boy Is Mine”. Priceless. The audience was in hysterics. I was gutted when the show was over. It could have gone on for hours and I would have been thrilled. “I want my Porgy money!”

The rest of the night was filled with food, drinks, food, wandering around some more, and food.

Once again back in the cabin…another sleepless night awaits.

Day 2 – The Norwegian Dawn. Saturday, July 7th, 2007.

Upon arrival at the docks, I was struck by the size of the ship. I knew cruise ships were big, but I had no idea just how huge! It’s like a floating city. The ship had 11 restaurants, numerous bars, a casino, an 1,100 seat theatre, a cinema, and so much more. While waiting in line to board the ship, Rosie and her family arrived. Even though I worked for her show for a year, it is still surreal to actually see her in person. I become such a geeked out fan. Ugh. It was the first of many Rosie encounters. Once onboard we found some food and began exploring the ship. Again…I was blown away by the size of it. There were 2,200 passengers and over 1,000 crew members. Even though there were so many people on board, you never felt cramped or claustrophobic. It was pretty easy to find yourself some space to be by yourself and enjoy the quiet.

First up was the mandatory emergency evacuation drill. This basically ended up being nothing more than everyone standing around the promenade with our life jackets on looking at the life boats. Now having seen both “Titanic” and “Poseidon” and personally living through a canoe incident, I was already very knowledgeable about surviving a crisis at sea. If we crash into something I need to float on a wooden door until rescued or if the ship is overturned by a giant wave I need to escape through the propeller chamber. I personally found the drill to be unnecessary. But, I went anyways since I am a team player.

Once we set sail there was a huge Bon Voyage Party. It was pretty surreal to be sailing down the Hudson River with NYC as the skyline on a cruise ship. At the party Tyler and I ran into Esera Tualo. Back in October we had gone to the Cyndi Lauper concert and Esera was a special guest. He has a great singing voice and had sang “No Woman, No Cry” with Cyndi at the concert. We spoke briefly about the concert and then returned to the party. After eating about 10 times (the food onboard is never ending. Literally. You can eat as much as you want, whenever you want.) “Rosie’s Broadway Belters Show” was the main entertainment show of the night. There was a huge opening production number and the crowd went crazy when Rosie appeared on stage. For a joke Rosie had a giant picture of Elisabeth Hasselbeck that was scribbled on to make her look like the devil. It was hysterical. The picture would later surface in UsWeekly with an inaccurate account of what happened. Ahh the spin in the press. The show was amazing. Rosie returned to stand up comedy and had the audience eating out of the palm of her hand. Hysterical. Some of Broadway’s best performers sang songs from musical theatre and Andrea McArdle (Broadway’s original Annie) brought down the house with a song from “Les Miz” (she was saving the “Annie” songs for “Annie the Concert” on Friday). I went to “Rosie’s Broadway Belter’s Show” twice. I am a huge nerd for stuff like that.

Now everyone had been warning me about motion sickness. I had envisioned the ship to be rocking like crazy with crap sliding all over the place. That was so NOT the case at all. I didn’t really notice the ship rocking much and had no problems. Tyler on the other hand was pretty much a giant wimp about it. He was popping Dramamine like they were Skittles. I figured we would have to put him in rehab by time we reached Port Canaveral.

After a full day of food, shows, food, hanging out, and food it was time to crash for the night. I was dead beat tired.

Day 1 – New York City. Friday, July 6th, 2007

There is something about New York City that makes me really aggressive. I don’t know what it is. Maybe it’s the stress? Maybe it’s the noise? Maybe it’s the energy? I have no idea. I step off the plane and I just feel different. Usually the people don’t bother me at all, but…I do get really tired of the constant in your face pushy behavior of some of the locals there. I am glad to say we escaped the airport terminal without any incidents…although it came close with some of the car drivers. There was a couple of close calls with a guy that would just not take no for an answer. It almost ended in a smack down.

New York City is a riot though. I love that place. There is simply no other city in the world like it. By far, NYC is one of the greatest city’s in the world. We dropped our stuff off at the hotel and then hit Times Square. The people…the people…the people…a sea of moving people. It is like the jellyfish scene in “Finding Nemo” when Dory and Marlin have to swim through the thousands of jellyfish. Just no easy way to get through the crowd. We went to my favorite store of all time…the Virgin Megastore. Music, movies, books. In a word….AWESOME. I could spend days in that store and be thrilled beyond the moon. No lie. Then we stopped at some other stores…one of the best being M&M World. When I imagine Heaven I imagine M&M World. I am not even joking. Sad but true. I broke a snow globe in the store. How was I supposed to know it wasn’t glued to the base? Stupid snow globe. Water and glass everywhere. After that we made a quick exit from M&M World. The rest of the day was spent shopping, wandering around, eating and hanging out and seeing the movie “Transformers”. Awesome flick…go see it.

Back at the hotel I was absolutely beat. I didn’t get any sleep though. Becca and Tyler could easily enter a snoring contest and become the world champs. A sign of things to come.

The Phone Call

On May 30th I got a call from R Family Vacations saying I won the first place prize in the Cruise Giveaway on Rosie’s blog. I barely remembered entering the contest. It was a small box on the left side of her blog…name, address, phone number, and email. Clearly the best 25 seconds I have ever spent at work. Little did I know that by entering that contest I would quite possibly change my perspective on life forever. As Rosie always says “There are no accidents.”

I invited Becca and Tyler to join me on this amazing trip. We would set sail from New York City and traveled down to Port Canaveral and Key West in Florida and then over to Great Stirrup Cay (a private island) in the Bahamas and then back to New York City. July 7 – 14, 2007 R Family Vacations. We had the time of our lives and if you ever get the chance to go….do it. You will not regret a single second of it.

check 1, 2, 3, check....

Bob Barker's microphone. Here is it folks. The real deal. Dave Ryan, the morning show host for KDWB (I work for Clear Channel Radio), bought it for $20,000. Yes...you read that right... TWENTY THOUSAND DOLLARS. And that kids, is a whole hell of a lot of M&M's.

WOW!

So long Bob!

And please remember to have your pet spayed or neutered.

HEY YOU

HEY YOU by MADONNA

Hey you
Don’t you give up
It’s not so bad
There’s still a chance for us
Hey you
Just be yourself
Don’t be so shy
There’s reasons why it’s hard
Keep it together
You’ll make it alright
A celebration is going on tonight
Poets and prophets
Would envy what we do
This could be good
Hey you

Hey you
Open your heart
It’s not so strange
You got to change this time
Hey you
Remember this
None of it’s real
Including the way you feel
Keep it together
We’ll make it alright
A celebration is going on tonight
Poets and prophets
Would envy what we do
This could be good
Hey you

Save your soul
Little sister
Save your soul
Little brother
Hey you
Save yourself
Don’t rely on anyone else
First love yourself
Then you can love someone else
If you can change someone else
Then you can save someone else
But you must first love yourself
Then you can love someone else

If you can change someone else
Then you have saved someone else
But you must first

Hey you
There on a fence
You got a choice
One day it will make sense
Hey you
First love yourself
Or if you can’t
Try to love someone else

Keep it together
We’ll make it alright
A celebration is going on tonight
Poets and prophets
Will envy what we do
This could be good
Hey you

First love yourself
Then you can love someone else
If you can change someone else
Then you have saved someone else
But you must first love yourself
Then you can love someone else
If you can change someone else
Then you have saved someone else

But you must first

Free Paris!

I think it is more important than ever that in these times of hardship and great adversity that we unite for a cause that will undoubtedly change the course of history. Please join me in this fight. There is truly strength in numbers. Solidarity! How can we turn our backs on Ms. Hilton in her darkest hour of need? She "provides beauty and excitement" to us all...the least we can do is stand up for her now. I beg you...please join the cause. Sign the petition for Paris. Sign the petition for yourself. Sign the petition for the American way.
Thank you.

FREE PARIS!

(This is from the imdb.com news site.)

Hilton Urges Fans To Help Keep Her Out of Jail

Paris Hilton is calling on her fans to help her stay out of jail - by endorsing an online petition they can sign. The desperate socialite, who was sentenced to serve 45 days in jail last week after violating terms of her 2006 drink-driving arrest, has teamed up with a pal called Joshua to urge fans to help her. In a post on her MySpace blog, Hilton, who is also asking California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger to pardon her, writes, "My friend Joshua started this petition. Please help and sign it. I love you all!"

The petition, which is addressed to Schwarzenegger, claims "the American public who support Paris are shocked, dismayed and appalled by how Paris has been the person to be used as an example that drunk driving is wrong. She provides hope for young people all over the US and the world. She provides beauty and excitement to (most of) our otherwise mundane lives. If the late former President Gerald Ford could find it in his heart to pardon the late former President Richard Nixon after his mistake(s), we undeniably support Paris Hilton being pardoned for her honest mistake as well."

Hilton is due to start serving time by June 5 if her appeal fails, after being sentenced at a hearing at Los Angeles Superior Court on Friday.

two years

running late
overslept
too tired after yet another night of
nightmares
endless they seem
i think its time to get help
i’m tired of living like this

on the road
thinking about the past two years
and all that has happened
and all that she has missed

pull into the driveway at my sisters
10:20 AM
oddly enough the same exact time
my mom died
two years ago
today
i pause for a moment
a little weirded out
actually more than a little
very weirded out
to be honest

off to little falls
a quick stop at the store
isabella sees some blue flowers
isabella loves the color blue – she always has
she looks at me eyes wide open
“oh i want those. grandma will love ‘em”
yes isabella she will
blue flowers it is

down to the cemetery
to clean and put out some flowers
isabella
running free among the remains
of those who were loved and lost

the grave bare and joyless
given new life
with
pink flamingos, flowers, an angel
and more

isabella looks at the picture
of my mom
on the tombstone
isabella says…
“i miss her. i want her back.”
so do i, isabella, so do i

on the way home
isabella falls asleep
holding my hand
tiny little fingers clutching mine
holding tight the entire way
hope love faith

so begins year three…

I Still "heart" Kathy Griffin

(Note: This is old, but I'm finally getting around to posting stuff again.)

Kathy Griffin. I adore her. To me she is one of the funniest people on the planet. No lie. A long time ago I wrote a post called “I Heart Kathy Griffin” and a comment was left saying that they hoped I would someday meet her.

Well I did.

It’s a crazy story…so hang with me. It all started in a forum on her website. She was performing at The Pantages Theatre in Minneapolis in April 2006. I had posted in her forums that I was going to see the show and how excited I was. During the show, in the middle of one of her bits, she stopped and said “Is Jason here?” Now the Pantages seats over a 1,000 people so there were probably about a hundred different Jasons there. So no one said anything. We were all just trying to figure out what was going on. Then she says “Jason from my website, who posted that he was coming tonight”. Well…at that time, I was the only Jason on the board so I knew she was talking about me. So I yelled out “Yes, I’m here!” from the balcony and Kathy yelled back “thanks for coming and for posting on my chat boards! I love you!”. I just about died. I got a shout out from my favorite comedian of all time in the middle of her show. Amazing. I tried to meet her after the show, but she bailed out of the theatre immediately and I was coming down the block as she was getting into the car. Some guy threw himself in front of me and shouted “Back away from the car! Back away now from the car!” the funny thing being the fact that I was nowhere near the car, but rather in the middle of the sidewalk. I found it to be wildly hilarious.

Now fast forward to June 2006.

Kathy returned to the Twin Cities for yet another show at The Historic State Theatre. This time I wanted to get her to autograph my DVD of “Allegedly”. So I waited outside the stage door with a friend of mine for her to arrive for the show. About 15 minutes before the show was to begin, a black car with tinted windows pulled up. I knew it was her. The back door opened and Kathy stepped out. She looked over to my friend and me and said “Hi boys.” I said “Hi Kathy! Could I get your autograph?” and she said sure and then started some small talk. It was just the three of us at first. She signed the DVD “To Jason: Thanks for posting on the website. Love Kathy”. Then she asked if we wanted to do some pictures, of course I jumped at the chance. Slowly more people started to group around. I told her that I was at the show in April and that she had given me a shout out in the show. We talked about that show for a few minutes. I then went on to tell and reenact the after show incident of “step away from the car” bit. She laughed pretty hard and had no idea who the guy was. We came to the conclusion that it was probably just a person from the theatre or a crazy homeless person. The show that night was awesome. No other word to describe it. Laughed so hard, I cried.

Kathy Griffin is a riot. And a genius. If you get a chance to see her live…go. I hope she returns to the Twin Cities on her current tour,

I still “heart” Kathy Griffin.

Nothing In This World

From iTunes. This is what popped up when I added the remixes of "Nothing In This World" by Paris Hilton. Still cracks me up. Somebody was probably fired....

Just Jason

So I did a comedy show with my good friend Mary Rowles. She's hysterical...so I always love working with her. This show turned out to be a fundraiser for a Girl Scout Troop's trip to Washington D.C. at a local American Legion.

The show was a wreck. Ahhh...when the train derails, it derails in epic proportions. Granted, I may have set the tone with my opening bit. I started off with saying.... "I was nervous about coming here tonight. I just got an email saying "6 PM. American Legion. Girl Scouts." I figured it was probably another set up for "Dateline's To Catch A Predator." A few laughs were heard. Mostly from Mary and Becca. And so begins the downward spiral.

This picture is of the sign that was out on the road. I guess they did not have enough letters for my last name. Who said stand up comedy was glamorous? Oh yeah...no one did.

Valentine's Day

last night in a dream
dreams came true….
fame
fortune
my mom…alive.

i dreamt i was on stage
looking out into the audience
my mom in the front row
in a teal jacket
smiling, laughing, clapping
proud
a dream that never came true in her lifetime.
a dream that will never come true in my lifetime.

morning comes
night fades
reality sets in
it was all a dream
a dream i did not want to end
colors fade to grey

Valentines Day
my mom’s favorite holiday
since she was a small child and her dad gave her a red heart.
a day remembering what
was
a day knowing what
is
a day fearing what
will be

my mom’s last Valentines Day
February 14, 2005
i took her to the clinic for chemotherapy
trying to save her life one day at a time
she was sick, small and frail
but her light shone bright
her favorite day of the year
i gave her a few pairs of Karen Neuberger pajamas
she had seen them on Oprah and wanted them
but would never spend the money to buy them
i did
her face lit up
she looked at me and said…
"You shouldn’t have, but I'm glad you did...I love you."
she wore them as much as possible.
every day, every night.
she died in them.

my stepdad gave her nothing.
it was too much effort for him to
drive 5 miles to get her a present or flowers.
always about him, never about her.
sometimes you only get one last chance
and he blew it
most days i hope that guilt is eating him alive
slowly.
regret is a beast that cannot be tamed.
terrible i know, but true nonetheless.

two months later packing up her things
after her death
i found the wrapping paper from the gift i gave her
she kept the wrapping paper
red roses on a metallic foil paper
neatly folded with the rose bow
she kept the paper…
now i keep the paper.

a long drive home from a bad day at work
…tears falling…
i can’t come to terms with life as it is now
the after the before.
i surround myself with distractions
to avoid the “what is”
i am cold and distant
it is amazing what a laugh can hide
but sometimes in the silence the “what is”
creeps in and is relentless.
i called my sister
not knowing who else to call
pretending to be ok
i can never ask for help when i really need it
not that it really matters if i could
through the years friends come and go
honestly…not many friends around anymore.
Strong. Brave. Independent.
who needs friends?
take a bow. BRAVO.
today a crack in the façade.

i hear isabella in the background
the light of my life
without her i don’t know if i would still be here
i really don’t.
he fear of something happening to her
sends panic, dread, horror
through my veins
i know i would not survive
such an event
ever.
already on the edge
that would be the final push.
rocks fall from beneath my feet into the ravine.
Balance. Balance. Balance.
pray the wind doesn’t blow in the other direction.

isabella says…
"Uncle Jason…I got a birthday card."
so small, so innocent, so perfect
not understanding the difference between
her birthday, Valentine’s Day, Christmas Day
it doesn’t matter to her
a card is a card is a card is a card
and she loves them all.
then she says….
"Uncle Jason…I love you."
tears fall again
neverending.

she is the only one that says
I love you
to Me.
the only one since my mom last said it
that I truly believe.

going under once
going under twice
a life-jacket thrown into the stormy sea
float until the storm breaks.

A broken heart never mends
A broken heart never
A broken heart
A broken
A

flowers on a cold grave.
God is in the roses
and thorns.
sings Rosanne Cash.

Happy Holidays