Valentine's Day

last night in a dream
dreams came true….
fame
fortune
my mom…alive.

i dreamt i was on stage
looking out into the audience
my mom in the front row
in a teal jacket
smiling, laughing, clapping
proud
a dream that never came true in her lifetime.
a dream that will never come true in my lifetime.

morning comes
night fades
reality sets in
it was all a dream
a dream i did not want to end
colors fade to grey

Valentines Day
my mom’s favorite holiday
since she was a small child and her dad gave her a red heart.
a day remembering what
was
a day knowing what
is
a day fearing what
will be

my mom’s last Valentines Day
February 14, 2005
i took her to the clinic for chemotherapy
trying to save her life one day at a time
she was sick, small and frail
but her light shone bright
her favorite day of the year
i gave her a few pairs of Karen Neuberger pajamas
she had seen them on Oprah and wanted them
but would never spend the money to buy them
i did
her face lit up
she looked at me and said…
"You shouldn’t have, but I'm glad you did...I love you."
she wore them as much as possible.
every day, every night.
she died in them.

my stepdad gave her nothing.
it was too much effort for him to
drive 5 miles to get her a present or flowers.
always about him, never about her.
sometimes you only get one last chance
and he blew it
most days i hope that guilt is eating him alive
slowly.
regret is a beast that cannot be tamed.
terrible i know, but true nonetheless.

two months later packing up her things
after her death
i found the wrapping paper from the gift i gave her
she kept the wrapping paper
red roses on a metallic foil paper
neatly folded with the rose bow
she kept the paper…
now i keep the paper.

a long drive home from a bad day at work
…tears falling…
i can’t come to terms with life as it is now
the after the before.
i surround myself with distractions
to avoid the “what is”
i am cold and distant
it is amazing what a laugh can hide
but sometimes in the silence the “what is”
creeps in and is relentless.
i called my sister
not knowing who else to call
pretending to be ok
i can never ask for help when i really need it
not that it really matters if i could
through the years friends come and go
honestly…not many friends around anymore.
Strong. Brave. Independent.
who needs friends?
take a bow. BRAVO.
today a crack in the façade.

i hear isabella in the background
the light of my life
without her i don’t know if i would still be here
i really don’t.
he fear of something happening to her
sends panic, dread, horror
through my veins
i know i would not survive
such an event
ever.
already on the edge
that would be the final push.
rocks fall from beneath my feet into the ravine.
Balance. Balance. Balance.
pray the wind doesn’t blow in the other direction.

isabella says…
"Uncle Jason…I got a birthday card."
so small, so innocent, so perfect
not understanding the difference between
her birthday, Valentine’s Day, Christmas Day
it doesn’t matter to her
a card is a card is a card is a card
and she loves them all.
then she says….
"Uncle Jason…I love you."
tears fall again
neverending.

she is the only one that says
I love you
to Me.
the only one since my mom last said it
that I truly believe.

going under once
going under twice
a life-jacket thrown into the stormy sea
float until the storm breaks.

A broken heart never mends
A broken heart never
A broken heart
A broken
A

flowers on a cold grave.
God is in the roses
and thorns.
sings Rosanne Cash.