Surprise, surprise, surprise…morning came and I was wide awake listening to Becca and Tyler snoring…only this time they were in unison. It was a symphony of horror. It was pretty amazing though that I was not as crabby as I should have been. I didn’t really get punchy until the last day in New York City. But, let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
Today’s port was Key West. I had never been there before, but I had heard it was a fun little town. Right…. Stepping off the ship we were greeted with what felt like 100 degree heat and 99 percent humidity. I thought I was going to die. I am not even joking. I looked at Becca and Tyler and said “I am too fat for this city.” Key West = Death. Ugh. It was so freakin hot and sunny that I decided I needed a hat to wear to keep from burning my head. I never wear hats because I look terrible in them. After what seemed to be hours of wandering in and out of shops I finally found a hat that would at least fit. The hat was beyond ridiculous though…it was orange, brown, and yellow camouflage. It’s a terrible hat. But, I was beyond desperate at this point. Twenty six dollars later I am walking down the street looking like a total numbnut…but, at least my head is not burning.
We walked down Duval Street darting in and out of shops that had air conditioning to keep from having heat stroke. We meandered down to the ocean and had a drink at this little beach club. Then we found the “southernmost point in the continental USA”. It sounds more exciting that it really is. I refused to take a picture of me smiling at this national landmark. What a crock of %*%$@#^$. We then wandered back to the ship down a different street for a change of scenery. We ended up passing by Ernest Hemmingway’s house and then strolled through the Key West ghetto…eh…not pretty. We should have stayed on Duval Street. Once in the ghetto we discovered numerous wild chickens strutting about. Yes, I said chickens. Here in Minnesota we keep them in coops, but in Key West they let them roam free. It was weird. We crossed paths with a hen and a bunch of chicks eating crap along the side of the curb. Luckily I was not attacked by a chicken. I kept my distance to be safe. Chickens are unpredictable creatures. My niece, Isabella, got pecked by a chicken at the MN Zoo over a year ago and to this day we still re-live it every time she sees a chicken.
Now to be fair, Key West did give me one the most uncontrollable, hysterical laughing fits I have ever had. Given the scorching heat and the fact that we had been sitting on plastic chairs at the bar, we were all a little sweaty. But, Becca, gives a whole new definition to the word “sweaty”. Her light colored pants betrayed her sweaty legs by revealing this giant, enormous, humongous, U-shaped sweat stain going up from her right knee, up her inner thighs, and back down to the left knee. It made the day she wore her pants over her wet swimsuit seem like she had just spilt a Dixie cup half full of water on her crotch. (Note: I have to admit…even now I am laughing my ass off remembering this. It was so out-of-this world funny. Oh God, my stomach hurts.) Of course Becca was horrified. But, I literally doubled over on the street, laughing hysterically and crying my eyes out. I could not move an inch because I was laughing so hard. It was hilarious. I was going to take a picture but Becca threatened physical violence and at that moment she was truly capable of it. So unfortunately there is no picture of it. Which is a shame because at this rate we could have a fold-out calendar just of Becca’s wet pants incidents.
Back at the ship we tried to get some rest (didn’t work…they snore even when taking naps), had some more food, and just relaxed and tried to recover from all the misery that was Key West. I could not wait until we would set sail from that horrid little island. But, I will always have my “awesome” hat to remind me of how I was strong enough to survive not only the depths of hell…but also the chickens.
The big entertainment, other than Becca’s wet pants, was The Ultimate Stand Up Comedy Showcase starring Judy Gold, Alec Mapa, and Jessica Kirson. All three were brilliant comics and had the audiences rolling in the aisles. If you ever get a chance to see any of them perform, don’t pass it by. Trust me, you will love it.
After another late meal (I am not joking…we ate like crazy homeless people at a buffet. The ship is all about food. Just be warned that if you ever go on a cruise…you will gain weight. Brace yourself.), we headed back to the cabin. I thought I would probably just crash from exhaustion…snoring or no snoring. I was wrong. I was dead wrong. I got up and went wandering around for a little bit. I ended up running into Susan Powter. Now, many of you will remember Susan from the height of her popularity as a fitness guru from the late 80’s early 90’s. Yes…the one, the only….Susan “Stop the Insanity” Powter. She used to have a blond buzz-cut and was very intense. Well…now she has long blond and pink dreadlocks and many tattoos and is even more intense. C-R-A-Z-Y. Sandra Bernhard summed it up best in her show when she said “I ran into Susan Powter today. You remember her…”Stop the insanity”? Well, it looks like it started up again.” Very true. Very true indeed. So I asked her about her yoga class that she was teaching and I told her that I was thinking about taking it. She looked me dead in the eye, grabbed my arm and said “You can take the class, and you will take the class.” Honestly, she scared the crap out of me, so I said “Sure, I will be there.” Then she said “8 AM tomorrow morning, find me when you get there.” Then she looked at me and said “Why were you thinking about taking the class?” I looked at her and replied “I think it is time to start making some changes in my life.” Which is true. I need to do something to get my weight under control and the f-ing buffets on the ship are not helping matters. Susan looked me up and down, stared me in the eye and finally said. “You can make a change. You will make a change. You NEED to make a change. See you in the morning.” Thinking back, I wonder if she was trying to let me know that I am fat in an ever so subtle way. Hummm.
After that, I went back to the room of no sleep fearing what the morning would bring.
Best part of Key West – The amazing sunset. It’s a real photo. Nothing changed or altered about it. The little spots in the water are boats. Love it.
Worst part of Key West – Everything else. Did I mention I hated Key West?
Today’s port was Key West. I had never been there before, but I had heard it was a fun little town. Right…. Stepping off the ship we were greeted with what felt like 100 degree heat and 99 percent humidity. I thought I was going to die. I am not even joking. I looked at Becca and Tyler and said “I am too fat for this city.” Key West = Death. Ugh. It was so freakin hot and sunny that I decided I needed a hat to wear to keep from burning my head. I never wear hats because I look terrible in them. After what seemed to be hours of wandering in and out of shops I finally found a hat that would at least fit. The hat was beyond ridiculous though…it was orange, brown, and yellow camouflage. It’s a terrible hat. But, I was beyond desperate at this point. Twenty six dollars later I am walking down the street looking like a total numbnut…but, at least my head is not burning.
We walked down Duval Street darting in and out of shops that had air conditioning to keep from having heat stroke. We meandered down to the ocean and had a drink at this little beach club. Then we found the “southernmost point in the continental USA”. It sounds more exciting that it really is. I refused to take a picture of me smiling at this national landmark. What a crock of %*%$@#^$. We then wandered back to the ship down a different street for a change of scenery. We ended up passing by Ernest Hemmingway’s house and then strolled through the Key West ghetto…eh…not pretty. We should have stayed on Duval Street. Once in the ghetto we discovered numerous wild chickens strutting about. Yes, I said chickens. Here in Minnesota we keep them in coops, but in Key West they let them roam free. It was weird. We crossed paths with a hen and a bunch of chicks eating crap along the side of the curb. Luckily I was not attacked by a chicken. I kept my distance to be safe. Chickens are unpredictable creatures. My niece, Isabella, got pecked by a chicken at the MN Zoo over a year ago and to this day we still re-live it every time she sees a chicken.
Now to be fair, Key West did give me one the most uncontrollable, hysterical laughing fits I have ever had. Given the scorching heat and the fact that we had been sitting on plastic chairs at the bar, we were all a little sweaty. But, Becca, gives a whole new definition to the word “sweaty”. Her light colored pants betrayed her sweaty legs by revealing this giant, enormous, humongous, U-shaped sweat stain going up from her right knee, up her inner thighs, and back down to the left knee. It made the day she wore her pants over her wet swimsuit seem like she had just spilt a Dixie cup half full of water on her crotch. (Note: I have to admit…even now I am laughing my ass off remembering this. It was so out-of-this world funny. Oh God, my stomach hurts.) Of course Becca was horrified. But, I literally doubled over on the street, laughing hysterically and crying my eyes out. I could not move an inch because I was laughing so hard. It was hilarious. I was going to take a picture but Becca threatened physical violence and at that moment she was truly capable of it. So unfortunately there is no picture of it. Which is a shame because at this rate we could have a fold-out calendar just of Becca’s wet pants incidents.
Back at the ship we tried to get some rest (didn’t work…they snore even when taking naps), had some more food, and just relaxed and tried to recover from all the misery that was Key West. I could not wait until we would set sail from that horrid little island. But, I will always have my “awesome” hat to remind me of how I was strong enough to survive not only the depths of hell…but also the chickens.
The big entertainment, other than Becca’s wet pants, was The Ultimate Stand Up Comedy Showcase starring Judy Gold, Alec Mapa, and Jessica Kirson. All three were brilliant comics and had the audiences rolling in the aisles. If you ever get a chance to see any of them perform, don’t pass it by. Trust me, you will love it.
After another late meal (I am not joking…we ate like crazy homeless people at a buffet. The ship is all about food. Just be warned that if you ever go on a cruise…you will gain weight. Brace yourself.), we headed back to the cabin. I thought I would probably just crash from exhaustion…snoring or no snoring. I was wrong. I was dead wrong. I got up and went wandering around for a little bit. I ended up running into Susan Powter. Now, many of you will remember Susan from the height of her popularity as a fitness guru from the late 80’s early 90’s. Yes…the one, the only….Susan “Stop the Insanity” Powter. She used to have a blond buzz-cut and was very intense. Well…now she has long blond and pink dreadlocks and many tattoos and is even more intense. C-R-A-Z-Y. Sandra Bernhard summed it up best in her show when she said “I ran into Susan Powter today. You remember her…”Stop the insanity”? Well, it looks like it started up again.” Very true. Very true indeed. So I asked her about her yoga class that she was teaching and I told her that I was thinking about taking it. She looked me dead in the eye, grabbed my arm and said “You can take the class, and you will take the class.” Honestly, she scared the crap out of me, so I said “Sure, I will be there.” Then she said “8 AM tomorrow morning, find me when you get there.” Then she looked at me and said “Why were you thinking about taking the class?” I looked at her and replied “I think it is time to start making some changes in my life.” Which is true. I need to do something to get my weight under control and the f-ing buffets on the ship are not helping matters. Susan looked me up and down, stared me in the eye and finally said. “You can make a change. You will make a change. You NEED to make a change. See you in the morning.” Thinking back, I wonder if she was trying to let me know that I am fat in an ever so subtle way. Hummm.
After that, I went back to the room of no sleep fearing what the morning would bring.
Best part of Key West – The amazing sunset. It’s a real photo. Nothing changed or altered about it. The little spots in the water are boats. Love it.
Worst part of Key West – Everything else. Did I mention I hated Key West?
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