LIFE IS A SOAP OPERA

So on "Days of Our Lives" poor Jack has been caught by the evil Count DiMiera again. Sneaky. Apparently there was a fake Jennifer (real name Madison) who was wearing a rubber Jennifer mask just like the Scooby Doo cartoons. Jack had no idea that it was the fake Jennifer he was making love with in the Horton family cabin the other day. Now he does. Also, Sammy is now disguised as Stan and is wreaking havoc on her enemies in Salam. Her list of victims so far includes…John, Bo and Billie. Sammy does not know that she is merely a pawn of Tony DiMiera. Tony certainly is busy for being a dead guy. But by far the freakiest thing is just how much that the show resembles my life. It is as if the writers have been reading my journal and spying on me. Spooky.

BABY SPEAKS

Today I watched my niece for my sister. Isabella is 15 months old. Her first word was "mom", second word was "dad", third word "doggy", fourth word was "shit". No lie. It's quite a sight seeing this little girl wander around the house saying "shit". I shouldn’t laugh, but I do. I laugh every time. My sister is mortified. My sister did not want to tell our mom that she says it…but little Isabella looked at her grandma and blurted out "shit". The secret is out. And I want the record to reflect that she did not learn it from me…oh no…she learned it from overhearing her father and my brother having a discussion. She’s like a parrot…gotta watch what you say now when she around. I am just thanking God she did not overhear me talking to my friend about a former friend…Isabella would be cussing like a sailor and my ass would be grass.

FROGS, PIGS and XXX...OH MY!

So I am driving in the car listening to the radio…singing along note for glorious off-key note with Kelly Clarkson…since you’ve been gone… I’m rocking. Sad but true. And the DJ cuts in and is talking to a caller who has called in for his "Question of the Day" game and today’s question is "If you could be reincarnated…what would you come back as?" This woman…older woman…says that she would come back as a frog because when the frog puffs up and croaks or ribbits or whatever the hell frogs do…the whole frog’s body shakes and shivers and has an instant orgasm. Ugh. Then another caller. A guy this time…clearly not a rocket scientist…says he would come back as a pig because pigs have 30 minute orgasms. Ugh. What the hell is a matter with people? I swear, sometimes I feel like I am lost in a sea of idiots. Idiots to my left…Idiots to my right…too many Idiots. I thought about calling in and saying that I would come back as a restaurant chef and specialize in fine cuisine consisting of frog legs and pork chops…but…I figured they would not get it. New song…keep rocking…

MOOOO.

Today I was temping at an insurance company…basically doing nothing but xeroxing and assembling binders for 8 hours. I kept having flashbacks to Jane Fonda vs. the copier in the movie "9 to 5". I am now fully prepared for a career at Kinko’s should I ever decide to apply there (Kinko’s being one of the few places I have not worked at yet). Thank God I have a theatre degree…it has served me well so far. I may not know how to use a copier but I can direct a musical about copiers. Ugh.
Anyways…as I was walking over to the desk from the copy machine I heard a "popping" sound and then felt a huge shift in my lower body. The button popped off my pants. No lie. This is actually the second time that this has happened to me in my life…but the first due to the fact that I am…simply and truthfully…fat. I am huge. Some how I have skipped past the stages of "bloated", "beefing up" and shot straight to "EXPLODING". I don’t know how much I weigh (there is not a scale at my mom’s house), but I know it is a lot. This is the biggest I have ever been. I look like a pregnant manatee…which is really bad when you are a 30 year old guy. So I bent down slowly to pick up the button. Put the button in my pocket and went to the desk where I ate an M & M cookie. Honest to God…what is wrong with me? My pants explode like Mount St. Schommer and I eat a cookie. There is a treadmill and exercise bike in the basement. I need to start to use them. Maybe tomorrow.

Like a blogger...posting for the very first time...

Hummm…so here it is…the very first post. Shouldn’t there be fireworks, music and a kickline or something? Instead there are just words…simple little words that I type. As this blogging adventure begins hopefully the words will be funny, interesting, meaningful, honest and real. If nothing else…it will kill some time.
So I kept waiting for something profound, something deep to kick start this blog. But, nothing. Absolutely nothing. Not off to a great start.
The only remotely exciting thing that happened today was that I found out that the woman who lives in the apartment next to mine have had four mice. Gross. She did not come to the door or seek me out…but, rather walked past me in the hall. It made me think about the randomness of life. I had never met the woman before…never even seen her before and I have lived in that apartment for 3 years. Had I not been leaving the apartment at that exact moment she would have never seen me as she was returning from the garbage room. The fact that I was even at the apartment was strange to begin with. I had not been there in almost 3 weeks because I’ve been out of town. I was only at the apartment for 30 minutes today to pick up my mail and grab a few cd’s. As I was leaving and locking the door and I heard "Excuse me…I live next door and I was wondering…ummm…not to say that you are dirty or anything…ummm…but do you have mice?" I looked at her thinking…1. Oh…so that is what the neighbor looks like. 2. Why would we have mice? We are clean people. Do I look like a person who would have mice? 3. Oh my God…I have not been there for three weeks…I hope we don’t have mice.
Then I said to her "no…we don’t have mice…we have had a couple of ants though." Ants. Like the fact that we have a few itsy-bitsy ants will make her feel better about having mice. Doubtful. So then she proceeded to tell me about the four mice they have found and she was just wondering if it was them or all the apartments. Gross. Then she left and I went back into the apartment and called my roommate to find out if she has seen any mice at any point. Well…no mice. But, now the seed is planted. Are there mice lurking in the apartment? Is it just a matter of time before we find one? Are we going to find another apartment before we do find a mouse? What is the scratching sound coming from the closet?
So there it is…in a single moment…30 some odd seconds everything could change. Had I left a minute earlier or later I would have never met her, I would have never known about the mice, we would not be considering moving.
I am just glad that I am not sleeping there tonight. Happy mouse hunting Jen. Sleep tight.