MOOOO.

Today I was temping at an insurance company…basically doing nothing but xeroxing and assembling binders for 8 hours. I kept having flashbacks to Jane Fonda vs. the copier in the movie "9 to 5". I am now fully prepared for a career at Kinko’s should I ever decide to apply there (Kinko’s being one of the few places I have not worked at yet). Thank God I have a theatre degree…it has served me well so far. I may not know how to use a copier but I can direct a musical about copiers. Ugh.
Anyways…as I was walking over to the desk from the copy machine I heard a "popping" sound and then felt a huge shift in my lower body. The button popped off my pants. No lie. This is actually the second time that this has happened to me in my life…but the first due to the fact that I am…simply and truthfully…fat. I am huge. Some how I have skipped past the stages of "bloated", "beefing up" and shot straight to "EXPLODING". I don’t know how much I weigh (there is not a scale at my mom’s house), but I know it is a lot. This is the biggest I have ever been. I look like a pregnant manatee…which is really bad when you are a 30 year old guy. So I bent down slowly to pick up the button. Put the button in my pocket and went to the desk where I ate an M & M cookie. Honest to God…what is wrong with me? My pants explode like Mount St. Schommer and I eat a cookie. There is a treadmill and exercise bike in the basement. I need to start to use them. Maybe tomorrow.