Confession of the Day!

So I have decided that each day there should be a new confession...since the blog is called "Confessions of a Local Celebrity". Only makes sense, right?

Now these confessions can be hilarious, sad, serious, frivolous, entertaining, boring, scandalous, joyful, or heartbreaking. The only rule is that it MUST be true. Nothing made up or false.

So...the confession for today is....

I actually bought "sTORI telling" - the autobiograhy of Tori Spelling on Monday. It's filled with juicy bits about her family (especially her mom) and growing up as probably one of the richest kids in America as well as crazy behind the scenes info on her tv show "Beverly Hills 90210". I bought it at Target and the book is pink. Yes, pink. No lie. It's the gayest book I own.

Now it's your turn....I'm waiting!

thirty four

thirty-four years
strange in so many ways
feeling younger
feeling older
depends on the day
age is just a number – so they say

it never is what i think
it will be or should be
a birthday

always reflective
july eighteenth
missing what was
hoping for what can be
trying to be ok with
what is

melancholy
seems to be the
state of affairs lately

the desire for more
is relentless
the soul craves
what is missing
the heart wants
what it wants

the burning
the pull
a primal urge

thirty four years of lessons learned
thirty four years of mistakes made
thirty four years of opportunities seized
thirty four years of doors closed
thirty four years of sadness unearthed
thirty four years of happiness found

hearing the call
nothing left to lose
i am on my way

i have the scars
a map of where i’ve been
to guide my journey

night

i haven’t seen the stars
for weeks
never out past dark
it seems

clouds block my view
on the rare occasion
i find myself
facing opposite of earth

i’ve always gravitated
towards the night
preferred over the day
always

moon and stars and distant planets
magical
mythical
you can see the light in the dark

in college
i took an astronomy course
the awe of it all and my sense of wonder
started to fade
so i left

i defiantly choose mystery
over the science and facts
every time
without question

to me there is no soul in science

many moons ago
in the family car
standing and holding on to the dashboard
i wildly rename the stars
as my grandma witnesses
little me controlling the universe
a symphony conductor without a wand
fearless

now as another year
lived
comes to a close
i search the dark sky
for the light of the north star
to guide my way

instinct fails
my compass is broken
north south east west
it all feels the same
sadly

stumble
fall
reach
grasp
in the dark

RuPaul

I have one thing to say, sashay shante, shante, shante, shante!

Soon I will be losing my $#!* and going B-A-N-A-N-A-S.

My shock and horror at the couple next to me getting "freaky" in the club. I think they were confused and thought they were at Usher's concert.

Here I am with the skank guy. That's also the back of his skank girlfriend's head. Yes, Virginia...skanks do exist.

Supermodel…you better work. Work!

So goes the catchphrase from the camp classic “Supermodel” by RuPaul. And work it we did! Saturday night a group of us caught the outrageous performance by RuPaul and The Village People and it was an absolute blast. I honestly don’t remember having that much fun in a long, long time.

The night started with Becca and I supporting our friend Rachel by seeing her latest theatrical endeavor. It was an amusing play. I read a review before hand that had made a few backhanded compliments, so I knew what to expect. Pretty accurate for the most part. It was a fun show…I think the script needed to be developed more, but most of the actors did a great job. All in all a good time.

Afterwards Becca and I headed over to downtown Minneapolis to grab some food before the show. We ended up eating at Pizza Luce, which is always delicious. Since I seem to be unable of going anywhere without running into someone I know, I shouldn’t have been surprised to see one of my co-workers stumble in and pull up to the bar by himself. I successfully avoided any and all contact despite him talking to the teenagers in the booth right next to me. I should be a secret agent of a top military branch or something like that. I am good at blending into my surroundings. I’m like a chameleon. Only, I’m not a reptile, I’m a human. I’m a human chameleon.

After avoiding drama at Pizza Luce we headed over to the club. Yeah, the mean streets of Minneapolis don’t scare us. No fear in the hood. On the way there, I got a call from Tyler and of course he is running late. Never fails. Nothing ever goes according to plan with him. So Becca and I headed in without them. It’s a nice club, but it’s pretty small. I was really surprised to see how tiny it was. Oh well, less of a crowd to fight through then.

First they had a swimsuit fashion show. A capital G to the R to the O followed by a double S in the rear! GROSS! I think I caught syphilis from looking at a few of the “models”. Cripes they were nasty. There is not enough spray tan and glitter in the world to cover up open sores. *dry heave* After the “show” and taking a few minutes to recover, Jason Mathison from Fox 9 News took the stage with Wanda Wisdom (apparently a well known Drag Queen or really manish woman – I’m not sure) to host the event. They should have scripted out their banter because neither of them were even a tiny bit witty or amusing. But…so it goes. We were all there for RuPaul and The Village People anyway.

After the disastrous swimsuit show and stupid attempts at humor by the hosts, Cazwell took the stage. I still don’t know if he was a serious artist or part of some brilliant joke. The best way to describe him is a gay Weird Al doing a parody of the rapper the Fresh Prince in the late 80’s. Google him or YouTube him and you will see what I mean. If it was serious I am horrified, if it’s a joke I bow down to it’s awesomeness.

Up next was Oryon. Ugh. I’m pretty sure he is sleeping with the booking agent or there is some serious blackmail going on. He was one of the worst performers I have ever seen in my life. And, truth be told, I have seen some shitactular performers over the years. It was just bizarre. He looks like AJ Carter and acted like a boy band member only without a boy band. There were these “living statues” back up dancers and some serious lip-syncing going on. I turned back to my friends and said “This guy is really horrible” just as another guy was passing by. The guy that was passing by stops and says “Hey, he’s my friend.” So of course I get busted for ragging on the douche bag on stage. But so it goes. I should have known better. That sort of thing happens to me all the time. One would think that at some point I would learn my lesson and just keep my mouth shut…but nope…never do. But, for the record…he really was terrible.

Then there was some more witless banter by Jason Mathison and Wanda. So painful! And then finally RuPaul takes the stage and the place goes insane. Seriously the energy level shot through the roof. It was wild. I had so much fun. The whole place went bananas. Everyone was trying to get to the edge of the stage (which, by the way, I was right at the front), people were dancing like crazed fools, and the screams were deafening. Of course the finale was “Supermodel” and I lost it. So I am singing and dancing like a complete nerd and RuPaul comes over and sees me. Then we look at each other and sing a whole verse together and once we get to the chorus RuPaul starts to laugh. I’m sure RuPaul was thinking “who is the fat little cracker in the front of the stage at my show that knows my song?”. It was so much fun.

Surprisingly after RuPaul performed the crowd thinned out. It was pretty late and I guess people were exhausted, because for The Village People it was about half full. I was fine with that. I was hot as hell and the room to move was greatly welcomed. Plus, when you do the YMCA dance you really need the space. Of course they did some of their staples…”Macho Man”, “In the Navy”, and “YMCA”. I must admit, there is something strange about doing the YMCA dance with The Village People. I suppose it’s similar to doing the chicken dance with a real chicken. Pretty surreal.

The crowd at the club was really interesting. There were a couple of pretty old guys that belonged to the North Star Gay Rodeo Association or something like that. Basically it was an old version of “Brokeback Mountain” complete with the huge cowboy hats, giant belt buckles, and denim shirts. I would guess they were in their 60’s at least. The only time I saw them do anything but stand there was when they played Madonna’s “Give It 2 Me” in-between acts. Then those cowboys got their boot scootin’ boogie on. Yee Haw!

Some random guy named Jeff was hitting on Justin. I’m a fan of awkward moments in life, so I enjoyed watching that. He seemed kind of rude in a dirty, skankish kind of way. My favorite moment with Jeff was when Jason Mathison from Fox 9 News came barreling through the crowd and grabbed him by the arm and hauled him away. My guess is that they are a couple or at least getting it on, and Jason was not happy with him hitting on other guys. I wanted to follow them and watch the drama unfold but then I would have lost my sweet spot at the front of the stage. Damn it! Jeff later resurfaced and would not confirm that him and Jason were an item. He would only say that he knew him. I said “from where? Craigslist?” and that did not go over well at all.

Finally the best for last.

There was this skank couple in-between me and the Brokeback Cowboys. She must have been in her mid forties and was a trashy version of the “The Housewives of Orange County” and he must have been upper 40’s and really short. Now for most of the night they were bumping and grinding and making out…only stopping every now and again for a quick trip up to the bar for more booze. They were out of control and became the punch line on the dance floor with everyone making cracks about them. Finally, I looked over and I saw him pulling up her skirt and sliding her underwear down. I couldn’t believe it. So I tapped them on the shoulder and the conversation went like this…

ME: Umm…you do know that you’re not alone. There are other people here.

HIM: Yeah, we know.

ME: Just checking…because I can see what you are doing and so can everyone else here. See everyone watching in horror and disgust?

HIM: Well, we gotta give them something to watch in-between the acts.

ME: Ok then. (to her) You do know that you are probably going to end up walking out of here pregnant, right?

HER: (laughs)

ME: And I’m pretty sure that the odds are pretty high that if your getting banged while watching RuPaul in the middle of the club during the Pride Festival that the baby is going to be gay.

HER: (laughs)

ME: (to him) And you just better be a really good shot because I don’t want any stains on my shoe.

HIM: Nahh, man. It’s all good. Nothing is going on.

ME: Yeah…sure. So I take it you two met in line tonight waiting to get in.

HER: (laughs)

ME: Well, I didn’t think I needed to bring a full body condom tonight and I would like to go some STD free, so can you just cool it down some. Thanks.

HER: (laughs)

They were so completely gross…words can not describe the white trash ranking on this couple.

So there it is. One hell of a wild night.

Of course with everything good in this world, there is the flip side and evil rears it’s ugly head. After getting home and being exhausted, I showered and headed to bed. As I sat on my bed at 3:30 AM and looked up, I saw a %^$@#&*%^$ centipede on my #$%^&$%^#@ wall. But, that is a whole other blog post. I hate centipedes. God, do I hate centipedes.

You better work!