Work Out

I worked out. I actually went to the gym and I worked out. I bet it’s cold in hell because it’s freezing over right now. Who would have thought? Damn.

This morning I weighed myself. Did you hear the screams as I flung my body over the side of the tub in a failed suicide attempt? I figured if it looked like an accident my family would still get the life insurance money. Apparently I suck at trying to kill myself because here I am blogging my fat little heart out. Damn it all. I’m not even going to tell you how much I weigh. But, I will say this…it is horrifying. Across the board grotesque. I feel like Jabba the Hut. No lie.

So I went to the gym. All day I was kind of excited to go to the gym (crazy I know) and also kind of dreading going to the gym. Nothing is ever black and white in my world. There is a lot of gray. My legs were pretty upset with me all day. I think they knew what was going to happen to them and they were not happy about it. I kept talking to my legs all day saying things like “it’s going to be alright.” “don’t worry guys, we’re in this together.” and “some day you will thank me for this.” It’s like when the dog knows it’s going to the vet, even though you never told him.

I did 10 minutes on the bike, 12 minutes on the treadmill, and 10 minutes on the elliptical machine. Not a grueling workout by any extreme but it was plenty for my first trip to the gym. I was fine on the bike. But, I started to get leg pains on the treadmill. And worst of all, I almost wiped out on the treadmill. I don’t recommend putzing around with your iPod while on a treadmill. That is a recipe for disaster. And then finally the elliptical. At about two minutes on the elliptical I wanted to die. Seriously. I thought the cleaning crew was going to find my slumped over body tomorrow morning. Then I got fired up and pushed through the pain and then at about seven and a half minutes I was back to being a wreck. But, I kept focused and kept going for the ten minutes. Now ten minutes is really nothing. I know that. But, let me tell you this…it’s one hell of a shock to the system when you go from being a complete slug to being a sexy beast of movement..

Afterwards when I got home I had quite a bit of energy. I did two loads of laundry, cleaned up the kitchen including all the dishes (which I hate doing), tackled the out of control mail pile, and cleaned up the living room.

My legs are killing me now. I’m heading to bed in a few minutes. I’m going to take some Tylenol and Advil and try to dull the pain so I can hopefully get some sleep. I love pills. Sick, huh? I do. I don’t care what it is…if it’s a pill I want to take it. I think that is why I love M&M’s and Skittles so much. They are in the shape of pills. I’ll probably end up having to go to rehab for my addiction to Tylenol and Advil, but hey…at least I’ll be skinny!

By the way…anyone watch “Project Runway” tonight? Don’t even get me started.