Crazy Pills

So I went to the doctor again this morning. Second clinic visit in two weeks. I’ve had a cough for over 5 weeks that I simply cannot get rid of. I am going to lose my mind. I think I am dying. I really do.

I decided to go to a different doctor this time since the last one was a quack of epic proportions. At the first visit Dr. Lowell spent more time yelling at me for buying over the counter medication because as he put it “all you are doing is sending over paid executives on fancy vacations by buying medicines that don’t work at all.” Then he thumped my chest a little and told me that it will probably last a few more weeks unless it turns into pneumonia.

Now the second doctor decides to put me on steroids since he is convinced that my lungs are inflamed. He doesn’t do an x-ray or anything like that…oh no…just decides that it’s not pneumonia or anything else…just inflamed lungs.

He starts off by recommending that I drink hot tea or have a bowl of soup every hour. Yes, every hour. Apparently that will thin the crap in my lungs and I will be able to cough more of it up. I don’t want to cough anything up. I just want to take a pretty little pill and have it all go away…magically…like real medicine does. No more coughing, no more mucus, no more anything. Magic.

Then he looks at me and starts to explain the dosage and whatnot about the steroids. After some rambling he looks at me and says “They will probably mess with your mind. You will either be really happy or really sad or even totally wired. So try to keep that in mind if you decide you want to jump off a bridge. It will only last two weeks.” I just sat there looking at him, trying to figure out if this is really happening or if it’s just a bizarre dream. Then he continues with “and you will probably gain weight. A lot of people gain weight when they take this medication.” What the hell. I just want to stop coughing. But, here’s the kicker…I need to come back in if it’s not better in two weeks because then it’s probably pneumonia. Can’t we just do an x-ray and rule it out for good?

So everyone has been warned. If my behavior turns erratic don’t worry, in two weeks it will be over. Most importantly if you see a really fat version of me standing on a ledge acting crazy, please pull me back to safety. I really don’t want to jump…it’s just my meds.

Let the crazy begin.