Catching Up

I have been away from the blog for awhile now. Been too busy with life in the real world. Now that things are slowing down for a few days I plan on doing a lot of catching up. So many strange, hilarious, bizarre and wonderful things have taken place since I last took the time to sit down and write.

Disney’s Beauty and the Beast, Relay for Life, standing ovations, dog vomit, drunk women rubbing my arm at the bar, catching up with old friends, seeing people I never wanted to see again in my life, hiding fans, backstage drama, on-stage brilliance, Tiffany’s greatest hits, Isabella adds “bye bye” to her vocabulary, He-Man on DVD, curtain call train-wrecks, laughter, tears, and so much more.

Ahh…the highs and lows of life. Soon I will tell all.

My Birthday

I went out to the cemetery and had cake at my mom’s grave. First birthday in my entire life not spent with her.

three months

Today marks three months since my mom’s death. Three months. Hard to believe. I spent a lot of time at the cemetery last week. Just sitting and thinking. I still think of her every day. I still miss her every day. I still cry every day.

I bought the cemetery plot next to her. I now have my final resting place in this world. It is kind of strange to know that no matter what happens in this life and where I go and what I do I know exactly where I will end up at some point.

I am so tired but I don’t want to go to bed. Tomorrow is my birthday. I turn 31 tomorrow. When I wake up I will have my first birthday without my mom. The past 30 birthdays were spent with her in some capacity. I think I will get a cake and go out to the cemetery.

Three months and it is not getting easier yet. I am starting to doubt it ever will.

Beauty and the Beast

Beauty and the Beast is kicking my ass. Literally. I do not remember ever being involved in a show that is this much work...EVER. I have done huge shows before...but none have ever come close to this project. When all is said and done, this will be the biggest production ever done in the history of the Hole in the Day Players. It is gonna be huge! There is something like 158 costumes in the show, 72 actors, a full orchestra, huge dance numbers, numerous sets, and the list keeps going and going and going.

It's gonna be big people...it's gonna be big.

Wise Words

"No matter what you did...
No matter who you are...
No matter where you come from...
You can always change.
Become a better version of yourself."
-Madonna
_______________________________

Something to think about.

the distance grows

Lately I just want to shut the world out. Completely. I find myself fighting to have the strength to do anything. I call people but within a few seconds I’ve lost any desire for conversation. I email friends but find myself with nothing more to say other than “same old, same old”. I get together with people but find myself wishing I was somewhere else as soon as I arrive. I find myself pushing people away quite a bit lately. I am not sure what is going on. I have always been one to withdraw from the world in times of great personal upheaval. Usually in my darkest hours I am in a self-imposed exile. When wounded I pull away, work through it and then return to the world. I have never been one to say that I needed someone else or I need help. It simply is not in my nature. But since my mom’s death I find myself putting a great deal of distance between me and those I held most dear. I have moments of clarity where I realize I am doing it, but by then it is too late. Damage done. I fear by time I have my head on straight again there won’t be anyone left.

you

the relentless tide
sweeps people into our lives
and pulls them back out
just as quickly.

a face in the crowd
a song on the radio
brings me back to you
even though you’ve been gone
for years.

you and me
so much alike
yet so different
or are we?

the memory of you
floats in, floats out
over and over and over
inescapable
you could always be so cruel

are you happy?
are you content?
are you satisfied?
are you complete?

did all your dreams come true?

__________________________________________

“I guess you go too far
When pianos try to be guitars”
- tori amos

fish out of water

Out of my element. Like a fish out of water. A square peg in a room of circles.

I went over to Bob and Tyler’s for supper. A bar-b-que of sorts. While at the bar the night before it was brought up…I guess. I apparently said I would come over, although when Tyler called me about it today I did not remember that conversation. Clearly I could be a politician. “I do not recall.” I was nervous all afternoon about going to this casual get together. I have no idea where or when I seriously started to be anxious about meeting new people. I guess I have joked about having social anxiety disorder too much (my favorite excuse to get out of doing things I don’t want to do) and I think I may have actually developed it. After spending hours dreading this event, I called to cancel. A simple “sorry, can’t make it” and then hang up the phone. Afterwards I felt like a huge jerk. A few minutes later I called back and said that I would be there after all. I seriously think I am losing my mind.

I don’t know why I hate meeting new people lately. I just do. I don’t understand it; it is out of character for me. How can a person be in the performing arts and hate meeting new people? It is bizarre. A friend from college once told me that he was impressed with my ability to chat people up. I could have conversations with just about anyone, no matter their walk of life or who they were. Clearly that is not the case anymore. I have the worst time connecting with people. I fear I am becoming socially awkward. What is happening to me?

So the others arrived and I was immediately looking for a way out. They were nice people, just not my kind of people. Trendy Abercrombie & Fitch boys are not my crowd. I pretty much said nothing and pretended to be interested in polite conversation about topics I could not have cared less about. I was asked a few questions but was more focused on how to leave than on giving witty answers. It also psyched me out that there were no girls there. I always get along better with girls than guys. Girls just seem smarter. After one of the guys asked if a mosquito can fly 45 miles an hour, I had my fill. Look pretty but try not to think…right boys?

Finally a way out. Everyone was going to go on a boat ride. I said I was cold and was going to go get a sweater. I left. I was in my car driving away before they even all made it out to the front yard.

Was I being judgmental? Maybe. Are they nice people? Probably. Do I want to do ever do it again? No.

I went home and had some ice cream and watched the DVD of Kirstie Alley’s “Fat Actress” instead.

I don’t know why I get invited to these things or why I even go. It never ends well.

Talking to Tyler today he had a good laugh out of the fact that I was so noticeably uncomfortable. Great. Glad I can provide yet another punch line to life’s joke. But, at least I know that mosquitoes can’t fly at a rate of 45 miles per hour. Whatever.