The Pendulum Swings Back

Yesterday was ok, today was terrible. The pendulum swings back.

My dad had surgery on his elbow today. Another day spent at the hospital. It was a work injury and a fairly common procedure. The actual operation only took 30 minutes, but it was an all day affair. Had to go early to be admitted, they were running really late, had the surgery followed by time in recovery and then moved into a room for a few more hours and then finally released to go home around 8:30 PM or so. A long day.

It was also a day that brought back a lot of memories of my mom. Since it was an outpatient surgery his room was in Same Day Services. Same Day Services is also where they do chemotherapy. Even though my mom never had chemotherapy there – she went to St. Cloud, it was gut-wrenching. Seeing people in the chairs, hooked up to the IV’s was too much. I was not prepared for it. I had no idea that my dad would be in the same ward of the hospital as the cancer patients. Doesn’t even make sense. Even now I don’t like to think about it. There are some places I never want to go again in my life. They bring back too many painful memories. The hospital is one; another is the cancer center and chemotherapy rooms. Today I was back in all of it…unknowingly, unwillingly and unprepared. In all honesty, it was too much. I felt like I was emotionally ambushed. It wasn’t anyone’s fault, I just had no idea. I can’t even really write about it, it is too difficult. Moving on…

Of course it being a small town, a bunch of people had to talk to me and tell me that they were sorry for the loss of my mom. It was nice of them, but it is also an inescapable reminder that she is gone, never to return. Then there were a few others that recognized me from the shows I have done in town. They were more focused on talking to me about my shows and reliving my moments on stage than talking to my dad about his operation and pain.

The whole day was bizarre from beginning to end.

After I left the hospital I went to the cemetery. There is a strange comfort that can only be found there. Hard to explain. There is a certain sense of calm and peace. I just sat at her grave, thinking about life. I talked to her for a little bit, cried a lot and then was back on my way. The pink flamingos are still there. I was nervous that someone would find them too tacky and remove them. I smiled when I saw them. I think she would have found it hilarious. I think with each passing day I miss her more. I would not have thought it possible, but it is true. I miss her more today than I ever have before. I cried all the way home from Little Falls. 30 miles is a long way to drive when you are crying, trust me.

Once again I am exhausted. Exhausted from it actually being a really long day. I have thought too much today. I am tired of thinking. I just want to sleep for a very long time.