Memorial Day 2005

Today was Memorial Day. A day to remember.

We had lunch with my dad. It is hard to be with my dad because I miss my mom so much. It is strange, but when I am with him I am reminded that I will never do things with my mom again. Never have lunch again, never talk again, and never laugh again. It is hard. Everything is still such a huge reminder of what has been lost.

After lunch we went to the cemetery to leave flowers for my mom. I am amazed every time I go there and the flamingos remain. I am glad they are there though. She would have gotten a huge kick out of it.

At the cemetery my friend Robyn had left a bottle of bubbles and a pinwheel at my mom’s grave. She had come and gone before we got there. Once we got to the grave Isabella immediately grabbed the bubbles. So I had to open them and blow bubbles. It was a moment I will never forget. Little Isabella running trying to catch bubbles at my mom’s grave. Laughing with pure joy in a place of such sadness. I think my mom was watching from above. At least I hope she was. She would have been smiling from ear to ear. Life moves forward, no matter what.

I miss my mom so much. I am slowly accepting that this void is permanent and that this is simply how life is going to be from now on. Everything is broken with no way of fixing it.

Last night I started reading the book “Forever Ours: Real Stories of Immortality and Living from a Forensic Pathologist” by Janis Amatuzio, MD. It is a book about her life a as physician, forensic pathologist and coroner and her experiences with the living, dying and the dead. It is an interesting book. She recounts many of the stories she was told and things she witnessed. It gives one hope that there truly is something more than what we can see, hear and feel here on Earth. I gave my mom the book a few months back, I hope she found comfort in it as well.

Other news…

In a bizarre moment today I offered to mow the lawn. My sister was going to hire the neighbor kid to come and do it because Richard had to finish the deck. I don’t know what came over me, I honestly don’t. But, I regretted it the minute I said I would. I am terrible with manual labor. I really am. I have not mowed a lawn in about 5 years. I won’t own a house until I am rich enough to hire gardeners. Seriously. I hate yard work. Hate it. As an actor, I cannot even pretend to enjoy it. Jesse Metcalf I am not.

My sister has a huge lawn. It took me an hour and half. No lie. The lawn mower became a tool of destruction and mayhem. I ran everything over…sticks, rocks, lawn decorations, small children. You name, it was run over and spit out in a million pieces. I figured since I am already out here pushing the mower, there is no way I am bending over as well. If it was in my path, It was destroyed. The lawn mower was like a giant wood-chipper, rock crusher and salad shooter all in one. Nothing was spared. Some people mow their lawns in a neat and orderly fashion. Their lawn has orderly lines and look really neat. I had started out with a plan to make it look really nice and impress my sister and her husband. Did not work out that way. There are so many lines that criss-cross, zig-zag, abruptly stop, start again a few feet over and weave around things that the lawn looks like a crack addict mowed it. To top it all off…I have a blister on my foot from mowing the lawn. No lie. I wish to God I was joking, but I am not. It is beyond pathetic. Beyond. I can safely say though, it will probably be another five years before I offer or am asked to mow the lawn again. And I am ok with that. I really am. Been there, done it…have the grass stains to prove it.

Another day down.