night brings no rest

Last night I had a terrible nightmare. It was heartbreaking. I actually woke up and must have been crying for awhile in my sleep. I was crying so hard I was gasping for breath and my eyes were raw.

I had dreamed that my mom was alive and everyone was celebrating that all of her tests and scans came back clear and she was cancer free. I kept trying to tell her and everyone else that the tests were wrong and we needed to go back to the doctor’s office and get it figured out. No one would listen to me, despite all my protests. Everyone was screaming at me for being negative and for just trying to cause trouble. Then in the next moment she got really sick and died. Everyone was horrified. In my nightmare she died telling me she was angry with me for not making her and everyone else listen that the tests were wrong.

I can remember two other times in my life when I actually woke up because I was crying so hard in my sleep. This was the third time. The two previous times were during her fight against cancer and I had dreamed that she died. The first time I was in the cities when it happened and it freaked me out. I was awake all night, wanting to call her and make sure she was alright. At the crack of dawn I finally called and was relieved beyond belief when she answered the phone. She could not figure out why I was doing up and calling so early. I never told her that I dreamt she died. The second time I was at home in Little Falls. When I woke up, I rushed downstairs immediately and she was asleep on the couch. I just sat there, thanking God that it was only a nightmare. This time it is different. It is a nightmare and it is also reality. Sad truth. She is gone…almost a month and half…and it just doesn’t seem possible.

It was a long time before I fell back asleep. I just kept reliving the nightmare in my mind over and over and over. Trying to make sense out of it, where there was none to be made.

I used to love the night. I used to be a night owl. I could stay up all night. Not anymore. Everything has changed. It’s nights like last night that actually make me afraid to go to sleep. Night brings no rest. Night only brings an uncertain tomorrow.