friday

The world is still gray…literally. The outside world and my inside world are still gray. It is true…misery loves company. Everyone I know is miserable and tired of the weather. Cold, rainy, gray. The weather doesn’t really bother me. When you are miserable inside, the outside doesn’t matter. So we are all miserable together, but for very different reasons. Doesn’t matter though. Like I said…misery loves company.

Today I picked up the renderings for my mom’s tombstone. A few minor changes and it should be good to go. I think it will be a beautiful tombstone. The front has at the top the phrase that reads “Laughed Often, Loved Much” with a hummingbird at each end and then carvings of some hearts and roses with her photograph in the middle, below is her name, date of birth and date of death and at the bottom it lists “Loving Wife of Dennis”, “Beloved Mother of Jason, Melissa, Jeremy”, “Precious Grandmother of Isabella” and “Cherished Mother-in-Law of Richard”. The back has a carving of an Angel at the top right hand corner surrounded clouds with rays coming down to Jesus looking up at the angel in the bottom left hand corner and then part of the “Footprints” poem with her last name at the bottom. It actually is a very beautiful design. I think she would be proud of it. I hope she would love it.

Tonight while going through some boxes, I found a scrapbook she had made as a kid that she saved. It was filled with cards given to her. Birthday cards, Valentine’s Day cards, Easter cards. Cards from her mother and father, her brothers and sisters, and her friends. I also found some report cards from when she was in school. There were also some drawings of hands that her and her nieces and nephew did when they were little. My mom was the youngest in her family; her sister was the oldest…by 17 years I think. So her nieces and nephews were more like younger brothers and sisters. One of the hand drawings was of my cousin Randy, who I never knew because he died when he was a child because of leukemia. I think I will give the drawing to his sister, Connie. I know if my brother had died I would want it. Hopefully it doesn’t upset her. Maybe I will ask her first if she wants it…so it doesn’t take her by surprise.

It is kind of like a treasure hunt sorting through the old boxes, you just never know what you will find. It is interesting to see what people keep because it means something to them. I think she kept every single drawing, card and letter that us kids ever gave her.

Every time I discover something of hers I miss her even more. It is just another reminder that she is gone. I want to save everything. Not very rational, I know.

Someone left a suggestion in the comments that I get the book “Angel Catcher”. It is a journal that you write in to help you remember a loved one that you lost. The book was created by Kathy and Amy Eldon who’s son/brother was murdered. I ordered it and it arrived a couple of days ago. I cried as soon as I seen it. I could not even open it right away. Then last night I finally opened it and read through it before going to bed. I cried and cried and cried. I don’t think I even fell asleep, but rather passed out from exhaustion from crying so much. Just the things that are written in it to help you bring up certain memories triggered so many emotions. I am glad that I have it to help remember my mom by, but I know it is going to be a tough journal to do. But in the end I know I will be glad that I did it. Nothing worth having is ever easy. Now, I just have to work up the courage to write in it.

So there it is…another day down. Cross another day off the calendar. Not as bad as yesterday. Praying that tomorrow is a little bit better than today.