Uncharted Territory

Today was a tough one. To be honest. Really tough.

I just want to crawl in a hole and escape. Not die…but escape. I know this will pass…somehow, someway, someday. Call it faith or denial…take your pick.

I spent most of the day trying not to think. No lie. It is really hard to try not to think, but it can be done if you think about it hard enough. Crazy, but true. I would just sit there…not talking, not remembering, and not thinking. The time went by…sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. But it went by and that is the important thing.

I left the house once today because my sister had to go to the store and needed help with Isabella. I would have never left otherwise. I would have stayed in bed, under the covers…avoiding everything. I am still staying at my sister’s house. I don’t know when I will return to my apartment in the cities. I don’t trust myself to be alone. Honestly. Not that I am suicidal or anything…because quite honestly I am not…I never have been in my entire life. But, because I don’t trust myself to not break down. I am worried about being alone. When I am alone the grief is unbearable. My mind races from one thought to the next…reliving everything. Every conversation, every feeling, every moment. It is scary at times. The image of her dying haunts me when I close my eyes. So I can’t be alone. I don’t want to be with anyone either. Catch 22. At least at my sister’s house I have distractions. I am not able to dwell on anything for too long because Isabella will break the silence with her laughter, or the phone rings non-stop, or the dogs bark and cause a riot. So here I stay…for now. I am in no rush to venture back into the world. Everything will be there when I am ready to return. Even though I have an apartment I feel homeless. Strange. I lost my sense of home when my mom died. Quite honestly…I will probably feel homeless now for the rest of my life. That is just how I am. Actually, I lost pretty much everything when my mom died. Every day that goes by since she died I discover more things that I will miss and just how much I have truly lost.

Rain. Cold. Miserable. That was the world today. The outside world matches my inside world.

Another day with nothing done. That is becoming the norm…sad but true. The “to do” list keeps growing and growing and growing…nothing crossed off yet. I guess it will still be there tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that and the day after that…

The clouds have rolled in. The forecast is not good…rather bleak indeed. It is going to be stormy for awhile. No word on when it will pass. I hope to see the sun shining again. I really truly do.

Fleeting moments happen every now and again where I think I will somehow survive this and I will be ok. Then just as quickly as they come they are gone again and I am left in darkness. I am not giving up by any means. I never would. I just want a break. I want the world to stop spinning for a moment. I want time to stand still. I want to put everything on pause.

I feel like a blind person who has been dropped off in a foreign land and doesn’t know the language. Things are more strange than familiar, but still recognizable. I know where I am and that I don’t want to be here, but I don’t know how to leave. I know there are people around me, but I don’t know how to communicate with anyone. I know that I am not in any real danger, but I don’t feel safe either.

The biggest fear my entire life was my mom dying. That is it. My biggest fear wasn’t my own death, or being betrayed, or fire, or drowning, or spiders, or not finding a job, or financial ruin, or being alone for the rest of my life, or anything else other than my mom dying. My mom dying is the fear that would cripple me beyond belief, the fear that would literally take my breath away and leave me stunned. It was the fear that would keep me awake at night in a state of panic. My mom dying was the worst fear I ever had. It was the fear that made my soul cry. I was terrified when I was studying in Europe or living in New York that something would happen to her and she would die and I would not be able to get to her in time. I have carried that fear with me for 30 years. Now it has happened. My worst fear has come true. My worst fear has happened and it is a thousand times worse than what I ever expected. It is impossible to imagine anything in the world making me feel as terrible as this ever again. Now I feel like I truly have nothing more to lose.

Lost. I feel so lost. Lost. No other way to describe it. Lost. I am looking for a map, a compass, a trail of crumbs. I am looking for anything and everything. Lost. I am searching…