runaway train

I thought about too much today. I thought about life before my mom died. I thought about life since my mom died. I thought about what life will be like in a year, two years, and ten years from now. I thought and I thought and I thought. I am tired of thinking. I am tired of not thinking. I am tired of being awake. I am tired of sleeping. I am tired of pretty much anything and everything. I am tired of life. I am tired.

I thought about all the good times I had with my mom. I thought about her death and what it was like for her in those final moments. I thought about every fight we had and how there are so many things I want to take back. I thought about all the holidays and how she won’t be there to celebrate with us ever again. I thought about her birthday that is coming up a week from today. It is weird to have a birthday when you are dead. But, now she has a birthday and a dieday…the two bookends for one’s life. I thought about my birthday that is coming up and how it will be my first birthday without her. She is the only person who was ever there for every single birthday I have ever had. I have never had a birthday where I did not spend at least some part of the day with her. Not one. She is the only person on the planet who was always there. Not even my dad can lay claim to that title. I thought about what it will be like to do the show this summer without her. I thought about if I really ever would do stand up comedy again. It is hard to laugh when your world is gray and sad. The laughter died when my mom passed away. No joke. I thought what it would be like if my brother ever gets married and how our mom won’t be there for it. I thought about how I can’t really talk to her, despite the fact that I try to every night when I go to bed. I thought about how I have lost the most important person in my life. I thought about all the other people I would have rather seen go than my mom. I thought about how people experience the exact same thing I am going through right now. I thought about how some of them figure out how to survive and thrive and how others shrivel up and die. Sometimes I think I could go either way…still sitting on the fence. To my left light, to my right darkness. Fall which ever way the wind blows hardest. I thought about Isabella and how she really won’t ever know firsthand how much her grandma loved her. I thought about how the world truly is a darker place without the light of her soul. I thought about how angry at the world I am. The anger is beyond rage at times. I see happiness and I want it destroyed. I thought about how if I am hurting, the world should be hurting. I thought about how proud I am of myself for just getting out of bed each day. I thought about how I should really only think about things one moment at a time. Baby steps. Then I jumped to a thought about the next 50 years without my mom here. I thought about my family and all the pain they are in. I thought about how she was too young to die. I thought about people who lose babies and how they think the same thing. I thought about people who lose loved ones in their 90’s. Too young. Death is never easy…no matter the age. I thought about how the only certain thing there is in this world is death. I thought about how death is one thing we all have in common…no matter age, sex, race…birth and death is something we will all experience. I thought about how people ask how you are and they don’t really care. I have decided that the next time I am asked how I am…I will answer truthfully and blow their mind. How am I? I am terrible. I thought about where I have been and where I am going. Right now it feels like I am going down a dead-end road. I thought about God and how there has to be more to our existence than just the few years we spend on this planet. I thought about how if there isn’t anything more than this…I don’t want to find out until it is too late and I am already dead. The thought of being here for no real reason is the most frightening thought of all. It would mean that everything is in vain. All the hardships, the good times, the sorrows and the joys are in vain. I thought about all the people who have come and gone in my life. I thought about all the friends I have made and all the friends I have lost. I thought about all the people who did me wrong and those who I wronged. I thought about when I was little and she bought me an Atari and I was so excited I cried and cried and had trouble breathing. I thought about how my mom wanted to have a movie night at the hospital and watch The Terminal and have popcorn with all of us. I thought about all the times my mom went without so us kids could have. I thought about how she had a hard life but never complained. I thought about how she would do anything for her kids…she would even die for us. I thought about a boss that I had who was in his mid-40’s and who’s mom had died years earlier and how he said he was never the same again and how he still misses her. I thought about the shows my mom came and saw even though she was really sick from the chemotherapy. I thought about how my mom believed in me. I thought about how she believed in me more than I often believed in myself. I thought about how this is truly the worst thing that could ever happen to me. I thought about how if I can somehow get through this, I can get through anything. I thought about how much I loved my mom and how she is gone. I thought about how no matter how much I think about the past I can’t change it. I thought about my mom hugging me and telling me that she loved me. I thought about how it will never happen again. I thought about how I don’t want to ever need another person again for as long as I live. I thought about my mom telling me she will be with me always.

These thoughts come like a runaway train…barreling down the tracks, smashing through everything in it’s way. It doesn’t matter what I do…the thoughts keep coming. I think I have thought about life too much today.