just another monday

i sit here at work
watching house hunters on hgtv
my mom and i
used to watch this show
when she was sick

the host is suzanne whang
whang pronounced like wrong
and my mom would laugh
and say
two whangs don’t make a right
and i would laugh

i miss my mom
every second
of every day

on rosie’s blog
a blogger asked…
“if you could tell your mom one thing about your life now, what would it be?”
rosie said…
“happy had puppies”

i get it
i so completely and totally get it
the void left when the person dies
who knew you for your entire life
is unfillable and unfixable
it cannot be expressed or understood

it’s not just the major events of life
missed
it’s the little everyday moments
missed
that hurt more

most of the time
it still doesn’t seem to be real
almost three years later

i haven’t been able to write much lately
i feel stuck
in a rut
unable to shake free

i need a change
to find color
in the black and white

everything has become
routine
my life
my friends
my family
all the same

i’m still searching
to find
exactly where
i belong

how does one
reinvent
their life?