After a long night of watching TV due to another bout of insomnia I finally decided to head to bed at 5:10 AM. I figured I should at least try to get some sleep before the sun came up. As I turned on the lamp on my nightstand and pulled down the covers (yes, I make my bed every single day) I looked up at saw one of Satan’s little warriors up on my wall near the ceiling. I hate spiders more than anything else in this world. HATE. A spider of any size, shape, or color will reduce me to a screaming 12 year old girl in under 3 seconds of it’s discovery.
I stood there, frozen, trying to figure out what the hell to do. I saw it and it saw me. We were locked eye to eye…to eye to eye to eye to eye to eye to eye to eye to eye. How long has this demon spawn spider been living in my bedroom? I felt dirty knowing that it has been there every night while I slept unaware. It probably even watched as I changed my clothes trying to figure out the best place to bite me. Spying on me from a dark corner. It could have been crawling around in my bed, crawling on me for nights or even weeks. It just sat there…taunting me. I could almost hear it whisper “I’ve been watching you. I’ve crawled on your pillow. I peed on your lips.”
It was too high to use a Kleenex to kill it. Besides, that is always spotty. Usually the spider will make a break for it and I will freak out and it will escape as I am lying on the floor in the fetal position crying. So I decided I needed to get the big gun…the vacuum. So at 5:20 AM I am hauling out the vacuum to suck this creepy beast back into hell’s fiery depths. In two seconds it was over. Just to be safe I did some vacuuming around the apartment to make sure the spider was sucked into the canister and not just clinging to the inside of the hose. I also wanted to make sure it was squished and buried beneath some dirt. Take no chances when you are at war with a spider. They are hateful creatures. Trust me.
Now I will sleep with one eye open and a can of Raid in my hand. Waiting for the others to attack…seeking revenge of their fallen warrior. They will come. I will be ready. A war is raging.
I stood there, frozen, trying to figure out what the hell to do. I saw it and it saw me. We were locked eye to eye…to eye to eye to eye to eye to eye to eye to eye to eye. How long has this demon spawn spider been living in my bedroom? I felt dirty knowing that it has been there every night while I slept unaware. It probably even watched as I changed my clothes trying to figure out the best place to bite me. Spying on me from a dark corner. It could have been crawling around in my bed, crawling on me for nights or even weeks. It just sat there…taunting me. I could almost hear it whisper “I’ve been watching you. I’ve crawled on your pillow. I peed on your lips.”
It was too high to use a Kleenex to kill it. Besides, that is always spotty. Usually the spider will make a break for it and I will freak out and it will escape as I am lying on the floor in the fetal position crying. So I decided I needed to get the big gun…the vacuum. So at 5:20 AM I am hauling out the vacuum to suck this creepy beast back into hell’s fiery depths. In two seconds it was over. Just to be safe I did some vacuuming around the apartment to make sure the spider was sucked into the canister and not just clinging to the inside of the hose. I also wanted to make sure it was squished and buried beneath some dirt. Take no chances when you are at war with a spider. They are hateful creatures. Trust me.
Now I will sleep with one eye open and a can of Raid in my hand. Waiting for the others to attack…seeking revenge of their fallen warrior. They will come. I will be ready. A war is raging.
1 comment:
ha. hilarious. sunday night, i took my contacts out to get ready to go to bed in my parent's basement and then heard a cricket so I called my sister over. she goes, uh, there's more bugs than the cricket. there were GIANT wolf spiders in the corner as well. she sucked up 5 of them for me the other day with a handivac. then she LEFT IT RUNNING AND TOLD ME that she could see them floating around in there while she went upstairs to get something else to kill them. i'm standing there, blind as a bat, with the vac running. screaming, I CAN'T STAY HERE!!!! she let me sleep in the room with her, on the floor.
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