Tale as old as time...

It began tonight. The tale as old as time. “Beauty and the Beast” rehearsals officially kicked off this evening. I can tell already this is going to be one for the record books. Community theatre is such an interesting creature. It really is. So many wildly different personalities, egos and temperaments coming together for a single project. They do it because they love theatre. No other reason. No one gets rich in community theatre. No on gets famous in community theatre. No one gets even thanked in community theatre. It is a labor of love…beginning to end.

So tonight it all began…again. I have done this a hundred times. This is my 15th summer with this group. 15 years. Literally half of my life. This summer will be my last with this group. The only thing that kept me in my hometown was my mom. Now that she is gone, there is nothing keeping me there at all…except a promise that was made on her deathbed. A promise I am keeping. Once it has been kept and all is done, I will be moving on. The end has begun. Tonight the final chapter has started. Soon this book will close, it’s story reaching the final conclusion and an new book will be opened in a new world with brand new characters starring in a new story.

Everything feels different so far. I was nervous tonight. I have such high expectations for this show and the people in it and myself. The bar has been raised high. Very high. I hope I am not a disappointment or vice-versa.

Time will tell…in this tale as old time.

Before rehearsal I went out to my mom’s grave and left a rose for her. It was difficult. I broke down before I even drove into the cemetery. I have been thinking about my mom a lot today. More than I have been the past few days. I miss her a great deal. Words cannot express. The void left in her passing is vast and great. Every time I blink or my wanders for a second I have a flash of a memory of her. There she is…sitting on the couch, standing in the kitchen, riding in my car…I see her…as she was. I am beyond horrified at the thought of never talking to her again. The thought of it stops me dead in my tracks. I just can’t seem to get past it. Maybe enough time has not yet passed. Maybe it is doing the show and her not being part of it. Maybe I am just losing my mind. Maybe… Maybe… Maybe. A million different conclusions starting with maybe. I try to accept it. I just can’t though. It is too painful. It is too bizarre. It is too real. I just cannot even begin to phantom what it will be like to never talk to her again. If I live to be 80…that would be another 50 years without her being in my life. It just doesn’t seem possible. It honestly feels like she is just away on vacation or something. I find myself thinking about what needs to be done when she comes back. But she is not coming back. She isn’t ever coming back. My brain refuses to believe it. My heart refuses to believe it. My soul refuses to believe it. It is scary because the more I get back to real life; the more real it seems that she isn’t gone after all. The more I go about my daily routine, the more it seems that it has all been a huge mistake and she is still alive. The more I live, the more it seems she is alive as well. It is not in the “she will always be with you” way, but rather the “she is alive and well, just out of town” way. Denial rears it’s ugly head once again. I feel like I am setting myself up for the fall of a lifetime, but I can’t stop it. Oh God…

After practice I just sat in the car and cried. I can’t believe she is missing this. I really can’t. Normally I would be sitting up with her right now, talking about the show, the people, the ideas we have. Not this time. Now I am just sitting here alone. She wanted to do this show for so long, it just isn’t right that she is not here for it now. Just days before we found out she was dying she was telling me about her plans for the costumes and how excited she was about getting started on them. It simply isn’t right how it has turned out. It really isn’t.

Everything feels like a sick joke gone wrong. How is this possible? How? How. how.