random

Today I called my step-dad to see if he had heard from the granite works about my mom’s tombstone. He did. They called this morning. He did not think it was important to relay any sort of message to us, her kids, apparently. He said that they were going to hope to have the tombstone out to the grave by Friday. I don’t know why I felt the urge to call him and ask. I was cleaning my room and the idea popped into my mind and I could not shake it.

Tonight before practice I stopped out at the cemetery. The tombstone was there. Apparently in some people’s world there is not difference between Wednesday and Friday. I was not prepared to see it. I wish I had been. It was heartbreaking. Another visible piece of evidence that she is gone. I was crying before I even got to it. I could see it in the distance. I cried and cried and cried. It was really difficult to see for the first time. Her picture is on it. It doesn’t seem right, she was so young still. Only 51. Never going to be older. Ever. But, like everything I guess you deal with it somehow and move on. Not necessarily forward, but on. Muster all your strength and move on.

I did not call my step-dad to tell him that the tombstone was there already. Important messages can be lost on both sides of the fence. Clearly.

This morning I woke up early so I could tape Madonna’s appearance on The View. It was listed wrong online so I actually got up an hour earlier than I needed to. I was so tired. I did not fall asleep until almost 4 AM the night before. I knew that if I went back to bed, I would probably miss it. So I decided to just watch another show until The View came on. I surfed through some channels and came across The Montel Williams Show. My mom used to watch his show all the time, so I stopped for a minute to watch. His guest was the psychic Sylvia Browne. My mom loved it when Sylvia was on. She believed that there was something real about her and her abilities. My mom would have me watch it with her. I found it odd that I was up at this time, the wrong time, and Montel happened to be on with Sylvia. Was it just a random chance or not? Who knows? But, I watched it. I found some comfort in it. Sylvia was talking to people about their loved ones they have lost and how they are still with them. She talked to some people who’s loved ones were murdered or missing…offering them hope for the answers they were seeking. She answered people’s questions about love, careers, health, and so on. Most were thrilled with their answers, others were not so happy. Almost all were impressed with the knowledge she had about their situations. Almost all believed; you could see it in their expressions, their reactions and their tears. My mom often talked about having a reading and that I should do it too. I have been thinking about it a great deal. Especially lately. I think I might do it. I might get answers I want, I might not get anything at all. I guess I don’t really even know what I want to know. I just want to know something. Anything. A leap of faith, I guess.

Tonight after rehearsal, a kid in the show who has some disabilities came up to me and asked if I wanted to look at his ideas for a movie he wants to make. I sat there, looking at all of his drawings and rough sketches for storyboards that he was so proud to show me, thinking how bad I felt for him. I could not imagine what it would be like to be in his world. I had no idea who he was before the play started. He auditioned one day and even though I knew he had certain challenges, I thought it would be good for him to be a part of the show. But, if you would have told me two months ago that I would be sitting at play rehearsal and looking at the sketches of some kid who has learning difficulties, I would have said you were insane. Two months ago my mom was in her final days and I did not think I would survive myself. The pain too much. The loss too great. The sorrow too raw. Another random moment in the day.

It seems so random sometimes how people float in and out of our lives. It seems so random sometimes how things turn out despite our intentions. It seems so random sometimes how we somehow end up in the right place at the right time.

So random. Or is it?