random people, random events, random thoughts

Déjà vu. I have been here before.

At the store today a woman, whom I used to work for years ago, came bounding down the aisle and let out a huge “Hi Jason! How’s your mom doing?”. Once again the world stopped and I stood there and thought to myself…”not again”. So I told her that my mom passed away back in April and she was mortified and felt terrible. She said she had no idea. I know she meant no harm but I could have done without that whole incident. I still have moments where it doesn’t feel real. Then reality hits and it feels like you are being swallowed by the earth. I think of her every day. I miss her every day. I still cry every day.

Later at another store another bizarre encounter. I was passing a man and he looked at me and smiled and said “Well, Mr. Schommer…how have you been?” I looked at him and did not recognize him at all. I honestly don’t think I have ever seen him before in my life. I just looked at him and politely said “fine thanks, yourself?” and quickly walked away.

And Superman was out on the street corner by the Dairy Queen again. Yes, I said Superman. No lie. This guy (who has got to have more than a few screws loose) dresses up as Superman and stands on the street corner with an American flag. Honest. He has done it ever since September 11, 2001. I wish I was making it up, but I am not. One of my friends did not believe me and once when he was out I happened to have my camera. So I had to circle the block a few times to get a good picture. He gave me thumbs up. He is probably in his 40’s, very overweight and, I think, mentally a few fries short of a happy meal. I often wonder what he does for a job given all the hours he logs in standing on the street corner. Oh well..to each their own, I guess. Maybe someday I will finally mentally snap too and dress up as Batman and stand kitty-corner from him. We could join forces and protect the intersection from evil-doers.

My aunt and uncle stopped by for a visit. My mom’s brother. It is hard to see them because it makes it even more apparent that my mom is gone. It’s not as if I could ever forget…but it just makes it much more vivid. There is a family reunion this August. I doubt I will go. It would be awkward in every sense of the word. You can pick your friends but you can’t pick your family. Just a square peg in a land populated by circles.

This evening I went out to supper with a couple of friends and to the movie “Bewitched”. I enjoyed the movie as did Tyler. Bob fell asleep. So far I do not have a good track record with picking out movies with Bob. The last one we saw as “Monster-In-Law” and I am still living that one down. By the way…why is Jennifer Lopez famous? A question I will never be able to answer.

At the ATM machine…acts of rage. I could not remember my pin number. Not at all. Once I realized I did not remember my pin I felt nothing but panic. Every number combination that I had to learn in my life came flooding back. I could remember my gym locker combination from the 6th grade. I could remember my bike lock combination from 1984. I could remember the entire multiplication table. But, I could not remember a simple series of 4 numbers for anything in the world. Finally I remembered after it was too late. A series of numbers so simple, how could anyone forget? Ugh. And for the record, I hate the fact that I have to pay money to get my money. How much crap is that? Seriously. Every time I am in a pinch and have to use an ATM machine that is not my bank’s ATM I just want to drop my pants and bend over while entering my pin and scream to everyone passing me by “I am being screwed!”

Sometimes I feel like I am standing the eye of the storm of crazies. There are lunatics swirling all around me.

I have been contemplating a return to stand up comedy. Not sure if I am brave enough. Or more importantly…if I am funny enough.

Little moments. Small chunks of time spent doing trivial things that eventually ends up to being a day. At the end of the day sitting and realizing that you really did nothing of any great importance at all. Tomorrow off to the cities. More of nothing.

It has been hard to write lately. Very difficult. I feel like changes need to be made. I feel like I am at a crossroads of sorts. There are moments of clarity. Brief. Then the fog rolls in again. I have questions that need answers. I have answers that don’t make sense because I never fully understood the question. I need to find peace in the chaos. I need to find the good in those I hate or just let them go completely. I need to be quiet and listen. I need to move forward. I need to remember my goals and dreams. I need to figure out who I am. I need to find myself again. The soul is restless.

A single thought keeps going through my mind. “Are you proud of what you have become?” The answer truthfully is no. Absolutely not. A few years ago I was watching an interview with Ricky Martin. (yes…yes…I know…Ricky Martin…no comment) Anyways, he said something very profound for being the one who gave the world “She Bangs”. When asked if he was proud of what he accomplished he said…”You have to look inward. You have to go back to that five year old version of yourself. The version that thinks they can do anything in the world…and you ask that five year old version of yourself, are you proud of what you have become?”

That thought has always stayed with me. I know for a fact that the five year old version of me would most definitely not be proud. That is a tough pill to swallow. Changes need to be made. I hate change. Maybe that is the first thing I need to work on.