iNSaNiTy

Still trying to figure it all out. A map without a legend. A legend without a map. Useless. Throw it away. Not knowing where to begin. Not sure I would even recognize the end. One step forward, two steps back. Swing, swing, swing…pendulum swings. Signs. Here, there, everywhere. Signs. Are they signs or is just desperation or wishful thinking. Answers. Where are they? Not here. Not there. Where? Maybe over there…if only I could get there. “I am sorry; you can’t get there from here.” Time. Goes fast. Time. Goes slow. Time goes…tick, tock, tick, tock…over and over…tick, tock, tick, tock…until it makes you crazy. In time we all go crazy. It is just a matter of time. We will all end up in the land of Looney, sooner or later. Save me a seat if you get there before me. It will be fun, I promise. Just wear comfortable shoes.

Up, down, up, down. The roller coaster gains speed. Sadness, anger, hurt, happiness, sorrow, serenity, hope, despair, angst, calm, rage, joy all rolled up into each second of the day. Emotions like a lottery. Each ball an emotion. Pop, pop, pop…never know which one it will be until if pops out of the basket. Move on, move forward, move back. Just move. Keep moving. But…when you move, you can’t be found. Catch 22. Is anyone even looking? Call off the search party. No use. Always on the move. Noise. Too much noise. The crowd sings the chorus of “poor me”. I just want to say “enjoy what you have before it is too late”. I also want to say “it doesn’t matter, it just simply doesn’t matter”. I also want to say “I don’t care. Trust me, I don’t.” But, I don’t say anything other than “uh huh”. Noise. Chatter. Racket. Noise. Never ending noise. Can you hear the people sing?

Pulled down. Deeper and deeper. No air. No light. No sound. Deeper down. Cracked. Torn. Ripped. Falling. Falling. Falling. No net. Falling. Waves rush in. Swept away by the tide. Currents catch and pull. The flood comes. Who will save me? Save yourself. Swim, swim, swim. Swim for your life. Swim and live. When all else fails…float. Tears. Float. Hope floats…or does it? Doubtful. Shadows. Figures move in the dark. Watch out. Leave the light on. Never turn off the light. In the light, there can be no darkness. Or so we are lead to believe.

Connected. Woven. Joined. You. Them. Me. All together. Together it is called “we”. We are all connected. Some how, some way. All for one, one for all. Until one falls out of favor. Gone. Kicked out. You were…now your not. Goodbye, Hello. Revolving door. Watch the world, our world, from the outside. Outside looking in. Never ending story. “So good to see you, it has been too long.” Not really. Just something to say. Have to be polite. If not polite, what are we? Better to be polite than to be real. Real is rude. No one is real anymore.

Forgiveness. Given more easily than received. Forgive and forget? Never. Forgive and remember. If it happens once, shame on you. If it happens twice, shame on me. Quotes. Famous people’s legacy. Quotes. Words. Meaningful. Words. Empty. Depends on who is saying them. From them, words carry such weight. From you, words mean nothing. Where were you when I needed you most? Nevermind, I know. Probably looking in the mirror. You were always your most favorite subject. Habits die hard. Not that you would notice, or care. When I see you again. If I see you again. Beware. Touch. Beware. You might catch it. Emotional leprosy. Loss of control. You stand over there. Safe. Just ignore. Like you always do…unless it is about you. Your favorite words consist of only “me”. Does every sentence of yours truly start with “I”? Does the word “you” even exist in your world? You are such a good friend. Really you are. Trust me. Would I lie to YOU?

World. Universe. Sun, Moon, Stars, Earth. Heaven. Hell. Anything in between? Words of the prophecy. Behold, I am coming soon.

More than this? Maybe. Hopefully. Better be. If not, best to find out after it is too late. Too late. Again, the clock ticks. Missed opportunities. Second chances? Do they exist? Do they really come around again? Pray they do. Could be a long wait. Wait. Nothing else to do. Aren’t we all waiting for something? Waiting for love. Waiting for a second chance. Waiting for the right moment. Waiting for something more than this. Waiting. Just take a number and wait. Waiting in line. Always a line. A fine line between love and hate. Or so I have heard. Not really sure, myself. There are no lines…only a blurry fade. Fade to black. Black as night. Can’t find the path, can’t find the way. Which way is up? Which way is down? North, East, South or West. Which way is home? Home…haven’t been there since she died. Home…destroyed to the foundation. Home…doesn’t exist anymore. Home is where the heart is. Not easy to find when the heart is broken. Nomad. Loose in the world. Roaming. Wandering. Seeking. Searching, but never finding. Pieces of me.

The ones remain. Not the same.

We meet again. My old nemesis and I. Silence. I look at him and I just want to say…Get behind me Satan. But, I don’t. I know it would disappoint the one who is gone but still means more to me than anyone else in the world. Because of her, I simply don’t say…