Four Words

I miss my mom. 4 words that sum up my entire life right now. I miss my mom.

Everything I do is overshadowed by the fact that my mom is gone and I feel disconnected from everyone and everything. I get through the day but it is mostly on autopilot. Going through the motions without emotion. My days are filled with distraction.

I went into the room where all her stuff is boxed up. The spare bedroom in the basement. The room that used to be my mom’s when she lived with my sister. My mom painted the room; she even stenciled flowers on the closet doors. Morning Glorys, she loved Morning Glorys. I just sat there for a little bit, in her old room…looking at the boxes. Horrified that this is what we are all reduced to in the end. Our prized possessions boxed away in someone’s basement. Makes you wonder what the point of anything is. But I just sat there…still. Then I cried. I looked over and the photo boards were on top of some boxes. The pictures still arranged on them from her wake and funeral. Everything still as is from when we moved her stuff. Nothing has been sorted. No one wants to do it yet. We all know once we start sorting, we also start letting go. Not ready yet. So I sat there looking at the boards with all her photos from moments through her life. A life cut too short.

I still cannot deal with the fact that she is gone. I lost my mom and my best-friend at once. A devastating blow. If someone would have told me years ago that I would be motherless at the age of 30, I would have told them they were absolutely insane. She was 21 years older than I. It is pretty common for people to live into their 80’s these days. I thought I would be in my 60’s before I would have to worry about her passing on. Guess I was off by thirty-some years.

I am slowly realizing that there really is no one in this world that can ease the pain. There is no one in this world that can make it better. There is no one in this world that can fill the void. There is no one in this world that can give me back what I lost. Slowly realizing…

Four words…
I miss my mom.

Four words…
I love my mom.