under the water

Exhausted. It seems to be the natural state of affairs lately. Exhausted from what? I have no idea. Just exhausted. Maybe it is just the daily grind of life. Slowly being pulled under the wheels.

Idle chitchat. Where? No really? Then what? Fascinating. Meaningless chatter. Friend or foe? Fine line separates the two. Some move between the two more easily than others. Tale as old as time. What do you want from me? What do I want from you? No, seriously…go on…I am a captive audience. Really, I care. Or do I? It doesn’t matter…trust me…or don’t.

The nightmares returned with a vengeance last night. I dreamt that somehow my mom returned to us. She and I were driving in the car and she was telling me all about life on “the other side”. It sounded like the perfect world. I asked her why she came back if it was so incredible; she said she came back because she missed us. In a blink of an eye, we were driving the car across a lake and it was night. The darkest part of the night with only the moon above and the water like black glass. As we drove across the lake we suddenly crashed into a thick patch of trees sticking out of the water. Pine trees…tall, grand, ancient. As we crashed we quickly got out of the car and swam away as the car sank. We swam and swam, my mom having trouble swimming, until a boat came along. I swam up to the boat, holding on to my mom. The people in the boat reached over and tried to pull me up out of the water. I kept yelling at them to help my mom first. They said I was the only one there. There was no one else. I was the only one. I screamed they were lying because I was holding on to my mom…why couldn’t they see her? Then my mom slipped from my grip. I turned to grab her but the people in the boat grabbed me and started to pull me up. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t reach her. My mom just slowly sank in the water, looking at me…sinking deeper and deeper out of view…under the water.

Even though it was only a nightmare, I will never forget the look on her face as she sank under the water. I have been uneasy all day because of that dream.

It is nights like last night that make me never want to sleep again.