The World Keeps Spinning

The world keeps spinning. As much as I want it to stop for a second so I can catch my breath and begin to understand what is going on…it won’t. It won’t stop. It won’t slow down. It won’t pause. The world keeps spinning and the days keep going by despite everything.

At the grocery store today with my sister and her baby I had a thought. A random thought. But a thought that stopped me dead in my tracks. If my mom had lived to be 81 instead of 51, Isabella who is now 16 months would be my age (almost 31) when she passed. Completely random thought. Blew my mind. I was looking at this baby in the shopping cart and realized that she would be my age and quite possibly have kids of her own, I would be in my 60’s and my sister would be in her upper 50’s…and most importantly my mom would be 81. What made me think of this? I was standing in the middle of the cereal aisle and a mother, son and grandmother walked past. The grandmother looked to be in her lower 80’s. I was so jealous of them. I was jealous of the fact that she was still alive when my mom is dead. I was jealous of all the time they have had together. I was jealous of all the memories and holidays they have had together. I was jealous that they were able to tell her that they loved her and that she was able to say it back. I was jealous of everything. It is not that I wanted to be them or have their mom. Quite the opposite is true. I have no desire to be anyone else or have anyone else for a mom…ever. As I told my mom many times, I would never trade her for anything in the world. I just feel robbed. No other way to put it.

After that the rest of the time at the grocery store I was on the verge of an emotional breakdown. It took all my strength to not lose it. Everything I looked at reminded me of my mom and what she would buy when I took her shopping. Everything seemed to have a memory attached to it. Every step I took did not seem to take me forward, but rather backwards. I remembered shopping for Christmas and Thanksgiving dinners and her worrying about how much food would be enough. I remembered looking for the special pomegranate juice she wanted and it not being on the shelves and the stock-boy finding it in the back room and hunting us down in the store to get it to her. I remembered laughing hysterically over a joke she made while we were walking down the aisle. I remembered her picking out a ham for Easter…the same Easter she was too sick to celebrate so I stayed home and the two us watched TV all day. I remembered her looking at me and saying that she really appreciated me helping her. I remembered her buying us the M & M Amazing candy bar because she saw it the night before on The Apprentice and wanted to try it. I remembered her buying cards for people to let them know she loved them and how much she appreciated them. I remembered her saying how she wanted to try a star fruit sometime. I remembered her buying me a magazine so I would have something to read when I had to take her to chemo the next day. I remembered her having to push the cart because it helped her walk. I remembered her telling me to get vanilla ice cream because she liked orange floats. I remembered people stopping us and telling her how good she looked…and she did look good…she looked healthy and normal and whole….little did we know the cancer was eating her alive. We just had no idea. I felt like I was suffocating and there was nothing I could do. I just stood there as memory after memory after memory crashed into me. In a blink of an eye…I relived every trip to the store I made with her. And then the worst hit. I remembered I would never again be at the store with her again. I remembered I would never again see my mom. I remembered I would never again talk to my mom. I remembered she is dead.

So much of the time I feel like I failed her. I should have been asking the doctors more questions. I should have done more research. I should have done something more. Every waking moment I am plagued with one lingering question…did she really have to die? Was there something I missed that I should have asked about? Was there truly nothing more that could have been done? What if…what if…what if…what if. Two little words that paralyze…what if.

One night her and I were out for a drive…she needed to get out of the house. She was going stir-crazy. It was about a month or so before she died. We were talking about life and about things if she passed. I am not sure how it all came about. I think it was after one of her doctor appointments and they realized the chemotherapy was not working and she would have to try another treatment plan called Tarceva. She was crying hard and asked if I was giving up on her. She said that she could not take it if I was giving up on her. I lost it. I started to cry immediately. I was hurt and horrified beyond belief that she somehow got the impression I had given up on her. I had never given up on her. But somehow she got the impression that I had and it hurt her deeply. I will never forgive myself. I failed her. Somehow, someway she felt that I had given up on her. Regardless of the fact that it wasn’t true. It was how she felt. I let her down in some way. I will forever carry that in my heart. I failed.

Again…what if. Always a what if.

Tonight a woman who knows my sister called and asked her how our mom was doing. I know this because I heard it for myself. The volume was loud on the phone. My heart sank. After a moment my sister quietly said that she passed away. Her friend on the phone was stunned. She had been out of the state. Like my mom always said…”don’t expect things to be the same when you go to bed as they were when you got up in the morning.” Truth. What is here now…may not be here tomorrow. Scary thought actually. It makes me not want to sleep ever again.

Even now…as I write this the clock keeps ticking. Another few minutes gone. Never to get them back. Don’t even know if I want them back. Does it really matter? What I want back I can’t have. Everything has changed. Everything. The world keeps spinning.