Chaos

Memories rush in and rush out. It is strange…I will start to remember something and than it is gone before I can fully recognize it. As soon as I reach for it, it slips between my fingers. Odd. Fragments. Today was a day full of fragments. I had to really concentrate hard just to form complete sentences today. It hurts to thinks.

Another visit to the cemetery. I need to go. Not really sure why. Guess I feel calmer knowing that I was there and that it is still there. As if it could be moved or would disappear. I just have to keep checking…making sure that it is ok. I go because I worry about her being lonely. I go because I can’t call her everyday like I did before I moved back home to help her. I go because I can’t sit and talk to her like I used to. I go because I can’t hear her laugh anymore. I go because I can’t let go. Rational thoughts are few and far lately. At the cemetery I left a small figurine and another flower. Flowers. She loved flowers. Now I wish I had given her more flowers when she was alive. The regrets come fast and furious. Everyone tells me not to walk down the road of regrets…but it is hard when your feet simply don’t listen. My mind keeps telling me that nothing more could have been done. My mind keeps telling me that it was beyond my control, beyond my mom’s control. My mind keeps telling me that there is a reason for everything. But my heart just doesn’t get it. My heart is stubborn and relentless. With every beat more questions linger. My heart keeps searching for what went wrong. My heart keeps alive the nagging question of what if. My heart keeps wanting to believe it is all a bizarre mistake and isn’t real. My mind and my heart move in two different circles. Never overlapping. Even though they are in the same body…they are complete strangers…refusing to acknowledge the other one really exists. The mind wants what it wants. The heart wants what it wants. And it is a mess when they don’t meet in the middle. I think my brain and my heart hate each other…they exist only to create chaos for each other. I am a mess…no doubt about it. I was a mess before my mother’s death and I am a bigger mess now that she is gone. Mess and chaos. Welcome to me.

I know people get through this. I just don’t understand how. Again…brain and heart not connecting. Disconnected. I am just realizing that this is nothing new for me…really. My mom always told me that I had a strange ability to acknowledge things without ever really dealing with them. Deal with it intellectually and not emotionally, which is not normal when you are more of an emotional person than intellectual. Complex. Even when my mom was diagnosed with cancer it was bizarre how I was able to approach it in a medical context rather than an emotional one. My friends were unnerved over how matter-of-fact and clinical I would be when asked about her condition. Never for one minute did I think she wasn’t going to be cured. To think she would not be cured was to be weak and without faith. Even up until she died I was expecting something…not sure what…a miracle, a divine intervention, a healing…something…something other than death. Just not possible. Whenever something when wrong, we simply move on down the list to the backup plan. Always a backup plan. I told her many times that if I had to I would pull her through it kicking and screaming but I was not going to let her think for a minute there would be anything in the end other than her being cured. Many times she told me that sooner or later I would have to face reality. I told her she was crazy and we would laugh. Where there is a will, there is a way. Truth, right? Heard that saying a million times. Clearly not everything you hear is true. Lesson learned the hard way. Sometimes there are forces bigger than us. Sometimes there isn’t a way no matter how strong the will. That is the truth. There has not been a single night since February 6, 2004 that I have not prayed for her. Before her death I prayed for a miracle and for her to be cured. After her death I now pray that she is in a safe place with God and that she knows she is missed and loved. Prayers. I continue praying…believing that they will be answered somehow. I heard once that “all prayers are answered, it is the just that sometimes the answer is no.” That horrifies me. That means that all the prayers for my mom’s recovery and cure were clearly answered with a no because she is dead. That is a bitter pill to swallow. That is hard to comprehend. The thought of it starts to shake my faith. Doubt grabs hold and eats away at the foundation. Then I pray again…I pray for my mom and I pray for strength and understanding. Sooner or later I pray that I will be answered with a yes rather than a no.

I have spent most of my life being disconnected from a lot of things and a lot of people. Disconnected from myself. The one relationship I cherished most, the one person who I was the closest to…is now gone. I am left broken and bewildered. Trying to still figure up from down. Realizing that I have made a lot of mistakes. Realizing I could have been a better person. Realizing that those who remain are mostly strangers. It is a scary feeling. I have been cold and distant. I have been unkind. I have been less than I should have been. With great loss comes great examination. Everything is called into question. Why? Three little letters make such a big word. Profound. Why? Why this? Why that? Why? Trying to connect again. Trying to salvage what is still scattered around. Trying to resuscitate what is still gasping for breath. Trying to find what is lost. Trying to be a better person. Trying to not let her death be in vain. Trying to make the “after” as meaningful and important as the “before”. I am trying…

To all those who have left comments…thank you. Soon I will respond and get back to all of you. I just need a little more time to find myself in the chaos. All the best to you…