The Pendulum Swings

I have been reading old letters and cards my mom had given me over the years. Everyone made fun of me being a packrat. No one is laughing now. I have them all and I cherish every single one of them. Some of the letters are hilarious, some are sad and others just simply say hi, I miss you and I love you. Pretty much the one thing they all have in common is that she tells me that she is proud of me and that she loves me. It is two things I will never hear from her again.

About a month before she got really sick and passed away she had left me a voicemail that said nothing other than “It’s me mom, just calling to say I love you.” That is it…nothing more, nothing less. Just simply saying “I love you”. I wish I would have saved it. I would give anything and everything to have it back. Once again…figured there would be more voicemails in the future.

I think about the last 14 months with her. I think about her illness and I think about the time before she got sick. I think about everything over and over and over. I don’t try to. It just happens. It is not like I get up in the morning and think “let’s relive everything again”. It just happens. I think I keep searching for a different ending somehow. Even though I know it is not possible. It is like those books I read when I was a kid, if you choose this turn to page 36 or if you choose that turn to page 45. Then the story would continue for a few more pages and then you would have to make a choice again. I always read every page ahead so then I knew which choice to make. I knew the correct choices because I cheated. I was always afraid of the unexpected, I guess. So I would rather cheat than take my chances and hope for the best. Still do to this day. I hate surprises. Her cancer was a surprise. Her treatments failing were a surprise. Her turn for the worse was a surprise. Her death was a surprise. It was all a horrible surprise. I think I keep going back to try to find a different ending even though I know fully well that the story ends the same, no matter what.

People still look at me and say they are sorry. Some say I must be angry because I feel robbed. I am and I do. I am and I do. I am and I do. I am angry because I do feel robbed.

I try to find the good in life, but it is hard. Very hard. I try to believe that there will be happiness, laughter and light in the world again, but it is so difficult. I know that my mom would be devastated to know that her death has broken my spirit. I honestly think that if she knew how hard it would be for me she never would have died. She would have hung on forever, once again putting herself last. I told her that I would be ok and that she should not stay and suffer because of us. I believed it at the time, I honestly did. But, now I don’t know. I am not so sure. It is so much harder than I every thought. She said she was worried about me more than the others. She said that she knew when all was said and done I would take it the hardest. She said in the end I would collapse. I told her she was wrong. I thought I was strong. I thought that I was stronger than all of this. I was mistaken. She was right. I was so very mistaken.

I lost my mom. I lost my best friend. I lost the person who made me laugh the most. I lost the person who watched out for me tirelessly even though I am an adult. I lost the person who believed in me more than anyone else in the world. I lost the person who loved me more than anyone else in the world. I lost the most important person to me in the whole world.

Just losing one person who was either your mom, or your best friend, or your biggest supporter is hard enough. But when you lose the person who was all that and more…it is beyond devastating.

The pendulum swings. Some days are better, some days are worse. Today was one that fell into the worse category. Hopefully tonight the pendulum swings back and tomorrow is better.