Like A Prayer

A year ago today…May 28…it was a Friday. I remember it vividly. I was at work waiting to hear news on how my mom’s tests were going. She was very nervous. It was her first cycle of treatment and the doctors were hoping it would do the trick. I had a wedding to go to that weekend so I was in the cities. My friend Tracy was getting married and I had been asked to do a reading for the wedding. Oddly enough with all my theatre experience and doing stand up comedy, Tracy is the only one who has ever asked me to do a reading at a wedding. I guess no one thinks I could ever do something serious or maybe they are just afraid I would say something inappropriate or whatever. Anyways…who knows, who cares? Not me. I hate going to weddings to begin with, so it is easier to skip them if you are not actually a part of it. I hate weddings and I hate funerals. Harder to skip funerals though. I never do, I feel too guilty. I go to funerals if I can make it. Funerals seem more important of the two. I remember everyone who was and was not at my mom’s funeral. I don’t try to, I just do.

I called my mom that morning. She had not heard anything yet. She told me she would call me when she heard something. I was anxious all day. Of course I hated my job and everyone was gone for the holiday weekend, so I spent the day surfing the internet, downloading songs from Madonna’s new tour that had just kicked off a few days earlier. Madonna was performing “Like A Prayer” for the first time since her Blond Ambition tour in 1990. It had not been performed live in the past 14 years. “Like A Prayer” is my favorite song. Not just my favorite Madonna song, but my favorite song of all time. The song was released 16 years ago, hard to believe. I had been able to get all the other downloads of the songs from the concert to work except “Like A Prayer”. It was driving me crazy. I tried for hours to get it to work and nothing. Finally I was able to get it to play and the phone rang in the middle of the song. It was my mom. The test results just came in and were great. The cancer was shrinking and disappearing. Her blood counts were normal. Everything was going better than expected. So far the treatment was working amazingly well. I was told that as soon as she finishes chemo, they will do final scans and tests. So far all of our prayers were answered. She was doing well, very well. I found it weird that I got the call just as I got the song to work. Very weird. That was a year ago today.

The wedding was the next day. It was nice. Cold, but nice. It was outdoors and it had been raining that morning. I felt bad for Tracy. A cold day to be outside in a sleeveless wedding dress. I was in a sweater and a jacket and I was freezing. I could not imagine how cold she was. I remember walking down the hill to where the chairs were. Everyone trying not to slip in the wet grass. Her friend, Bruce…my unofficial nemesis, looked at me and said “smile” and made a gesture with his fingers in the shape of a smile. I hated him in that moment. I hated him a lot. It is hard to smile when your mom is fighting cancer. It is hard to smile when you are slowing realizing that the most important person in the world to you might not have much time left. It is hard to smile when your mom is fighting for her life. It was hard to smile for so many reasons. I said nothing and kept walking.

For my mom we all know how the story ends. The good news for my mom does not last long. But, while it does…life is good. Memorial Day weekend last year was a good weekend. A year later, it’s not so good. In addition to putting flowers on my grandparents’ graves we will be adding another grave. A grave that had to be dug way too soon. A grave that belongs to my mom. Still sad, still angry, still hard to believe it is real.

As for Tracy, she is still married. Happily, I assume. Living in Wisconsin. I have not seen her in a long time. I hope she is well. I ran into Tracy’s parents at the cemetery on Mother’s Day. Becky and Bill were there visiting the graves of their loved ones who have passed on. Becky had a flower for my mom from Tracy. It was a moment of kindness and generosity that I will never forget. Thank you for remembering my mom. It is the greatest gift I can be given.

I remember everything. Always have, always will. Sometimes it gets foggy…but trust me...I will remember.

I listened to “Like A Prayer” today and remembered a year ago when good news came in the middle of it. News that my mom was getting better and was going to be cured. But, today…no good news. No news at all. The song ended and this time, no call from my mom. My mom is gone.

Like A Prayer
by Madonna

Life is a mystery, everyone must stand alone
I hear you call my name
And it feels like home

When you call my name it's like a little prayer
I'm down on my knees, I wanna take you there
In the midnight hour I can feel your power
Just like a prayer you know I'll take you there

I hear your voice, it's like an angel sighing
I have no choice, I hear your voice
Feels like flying
I close my eyes, Oh God I think I'm falling
Out of the sky, I close my eyes
Heaven help me

When you call my name it's like a little prayer
I'm down on my knees, I wanna take you there
In the midnight hour I can feel your power
Just like a prayer you know I'll take you there

Like a child you whisper softly to me
You're in control just like a child
Now I'm dancing
It's like a dream, no end and no beginning
You're here with me, it's like a dream
Let the choir sing

When you call my name it's like a little prayer
I'm down on my knees, I wanna take you there
In the midnight hour I can feel your power
Just like a prayer you know I'll take you there

Just like a prayer, your voice can take me there
Just like a muse to me, you are a mystery
Just like a dream, you are not what you seem
Just like a prayer, no choice your voice can take me there

Just like a prayer, I'll take you there
It's like a dream to me