the calm before the storm

Today I came across a bunch of letters and cards that my mom had given me over the years. I am glad that I kept them. I guess I never throw anything away. I just looked at them. I did not read them. It hurt too much to read them. I don’t know when I will read them. But, I feel better knowing that I have them…for when I am ready.

I miss her. Words cannot express how much I miss her.

Every night I pray to God and I talk to my mom. I don’t ever get an answer. But, nonetheless, I still feel better for doing it. I tell her that I miss her, I tell her about the day, I ask her to help us, and I tell her that I love her and that nothing is the same without her.

Overall it was a quiet day. My sister took Isabella to a birthday party today down in the cities so I rode along and went back to my apartment to do some cleaning and make some room for the stuff of my mom’s I am keeping. All I ended up doing was shifting piles. Not much progress was made at all, just moving stuff to different locations in my room. I kept thinking about my mom all day. It was hard not to. Spending too much time by myself in an empty apartment…my mind wanders…

Bizarre thoughts pop into my mind all day long. Today I realized that if I lived to be 80 years old, that means I will have 50 more years to go without my mom. Then I realized that my mom will never see her kids grow old. Then I realized that all we have left is our dad. Our mom is gone and so are all of our grandparents. These thoughts just come and linger. Can’t shake them. Linger.

I just felt so alone. I kept looking at the phone wanting to call someone, but did not feel I had anyone I could call. I’ve never been good at asking people for help when it comes to personal or emotional needs. I rarely, if ever, ask for anything from anyone. I already feel as if I have imposed too much as it is. I don’t think I even know how to ask for help from my friends. I thought I could, but I can’t. I just don’t understand my life. How can I know so many people and feel so alone. So many people and have no one to call. I just don’t understand anything any more. Set adrift…

Tonight coming back from the cities, I was sitting in the back of the van with Isabella. I like to sit in the back next to her car seat. Usually we play with her toys or just goof around and have fun. Tonight she just reached out for my hand and held onto it all the way home. She wrapped her little hand around my fingers and held on tight. Even while she slept I felt her squeeze my hand. I did not want the ride to end. A baby’s love is precious and healing.

Every time I look at Isabella my heart breaks into a million pieces. My mom loved her so much. She was her first and only granddaughter. It just isn’t right that my mom is not able to be here with us. It just makes me so angry that this is how life is now. I try not to dwell in the anger; it is a scary place to be. But sometimes you end up there without knowing how you even got there to begin with.

Tomorrow is Mother’s Day. The thought of it leaves a sick feeling in my heart. The first Mother’s Day without my mom. It is going to be a nightmare. I feel the clouds rolling in already. The calm before the storm…