Mother’s Day.
Horrible Day.
Terrible Day.
Sad Day.
Went to the cemetery and left some flowers. Prayed. Ended up wandering around the cemetery for quite some time. Looking at all the tombstones and thinking about death and loss and wondering how one carries on. Did not want to leave. If I could have, I would have stayed there forever. I go on. If for no other reason than it is what she would want for me to do. Step by step…I go on without her. Feels like a betrayal at times. Still I go on.
Mother’s Day.
Darkness.
Stormy.
Bleak.
and worst of all…
Empty.
Mother’s Day without a mother is like a cruel joke in life. Words cannot express the loneliness and sadness. Mother’s Day without a mother is something I do not want to ever experience again. But, I will. Against my will. Sadly I will. There will be many more Mother’s Days ahead in this lifetime.
I read some of her letters today. Broke my heart. I cannot believe that she is really gone. Moments of denial. The mind can play cruel tricks on you. I suppose it is some act of self-preservation. But, cruel nonetheless.
There is nothing else to say. Numb. Everything came to the surface today and has left me numb. When the tears stopped there was nothing left. Numb.
Pray for strength. Nothing else to do.
Numb.
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3 comments:
I am so sorry for this day.
The mothers day after my mom died
I watched the dvd they played at her funeral.
I watched it over and over and just let myself grieve.
It helped in some odd way.
I know hearing it will get easier doesn't help.
Maybe it just helps me to say it.
I can spend this day now remembering good times we shared.
That honors her too.
It still brings tears, but there is laughter there too.
Someday, I hope you can feel that.
For now. it is just too soon.
Take care of you.
How very sad
I am so sorry
Dianna
when my dad died. i spent all my free time on a blanket next to his grave on a hill. it overlooked another section of the cemetery and i just would sit there for hours thinking, talking to him, talking to anyone who would listen. i feel your numbness, your sadness, your emptyness. i try to stay away from all these commericalized holidays. it's a crock. the hallmark hall of fame movies make me gag. the music, the tv commericals, the cards in the aisles....i realize you lost your mother but i lost my father at the same age you are now. i am now going to be 38 soon. forget about "being strong".... forget about "moving on" ......you lost your mother dammit. you can feel sad as long as you want. you can grieve as long as you want. i grew up in theatre all my life. and this, our life, is no dress rehearsal. no one ever taught me on stage how to "act" when a parent passes away. i thought i'd be old and gray when that happened. not in my 30s and still confused and lost. so fuck them all for saying (and they will) that it is time to move on. move on where???? there's no place to move on to. no place. you just continue on with your life with someone missing. and it's sad. email me if you ever wanna chat: bignametag@yahoo.com
amy
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