My Holiday Letter 2009.

December 2009

Dear __________________ (insert your name here),

Season’s Greetings!

Well, I suppose I should start by acknowledging the elephant in the room and be done with it. As you can see, I’m not famous yet. My plan of “appearing on a reality talent show and wowing the audience with my singing (after being cruelly mocked by the judges) and then selling over 700,000 copies of my debut album in its first week of release” didn’t quite pan out. Susan Boyle beat me to the punch. Whatever Susan…you’re not the only one who can dream a dream. On to Plan B, which involves alcohol and a sex tape. *sigh*

As usual, employment at Clear Channel is interesting. I spend most of my day at work eating snacks, calling family long distance, talking smack about co-workers, and surfing the internet. It’s amazing how quickly I can click out of a Madonna fan website and into a spreadsheet in Excel when the boss passes by. Fingers of fire! Fortunately management is clueless. They don’t even realize that I don’t use Excel in my job duties as receptionist. Also, many of my co-workers refer to me as “eye-candy” which is inappropriate, but tolerable since they just look but don’t touch. A lot of crazy celebrities drifted through the office over the past 12 months including Lady GaGa (“Bad Romance” was written about our tryst.), Katy Perry (She referred to me as her “tiny dancer”. Oh Katy, you are so hot and cold.), Mat Kearny (No comment due to a restraining order.), Fall Out Boy (STD’s on legs.), Snow Patrol (Not as boring in person as their songs would lead you to believe.) among others (Big Kenny, John Rich, Kellie Pickler, Ludacris, Cobbie Caillet, Rob Thomas, The Fray, Adele, Jonas Bros.). So many restraining orders, so little time. Truth be told, 2009 wasn’t as star studded as previous years when we had Dolly Parton, Jewel, Jessica Simpson, Trisha Yearwood, Sugarland, P. Diddy, Simon LeBon, and the truly “friendly” Susan Vega (not really nice at all) come through. I guess the recession is hurting us all.

In an effort to become healthier in 2009, I made a real effort to lose some weight. I ended up losing 41 pounds. But then disaster struck and I tore a tendon in my right foot. Good thing I love to self-medicate. It’s amazing how many pills you can get for a Game Boy over at the elementary school. Those fifth graders sure like to wheel and deal. But, unfortunately, some of the weight has crept back on since the injury still has not healed. Life…one step forward, two steps back. Or should I say…Life…one trip forward, two limps back. Now, some of you may, or may not know, I’m a vegetarian. It’s challenging most days, since I don’t like vegetables and I’d rather have my limbs gnawed off my rabid hamsters than eat a salad. I’m more of a dairytarian. I like milk. I also enjoy cheese, ice cream, cottage cheese, ice cream, and cheese. I tried eating a salad in 2009 and my body revolted and panicked. Despite what I was telling myself, my body was convinced I was trying to commit suicide. While I didn’t die, I did feel much pain for about a week. My body is now suspicious of everything I eat. Once trust is destroyed, it’s hard to repair. Can I get an Amen up in here? Every time I see a lettuce leaf, I have terrible flashbacks like a Vietnam Vet from fighting in the war. I often find myself on the floor in the fetal position, shaking, sweaty, and yelling “Never again!” when I pass through the produce department at Cub Foods.

Another major accomplishment in 2009 was changing the break lights on my Ford Focus by myself (my dad was on the phone). I’m now thinking of opening my own auto-body shop. I think that “J’s Auto-Body Shop” has a unique and charming ring to it and I do look quite dashing in a pair of greasy overalls. Please don’t ask how I know this, just trust me that I do…it’s better this way.

In October I had a triumphant return to my hometown with my stand up comedy show “No Holds Barred”. We packed the room, had great laughs, and I saw many old friends again. But, the evening was not without controversy. An elderly couple got up and walked out about 15 minutes into the show. My guess is that they were disappointed that I was not one of the many acoustic musicians that normally play in that venue. The elderly couple probably realized that they were in trouble when they didn’t see a giant harp or a woman in a dirty hippie dress doing aboriginal throat singing. Or maybe they were mad that there was no Bingo tournament, meat raffle, or karaoke (all very popular up North). But, in any case, I clearly blame them. It’s no secret that everyone loves me, so I highly doubt it was my joke about running into a former classmate who is now a bi-sexual Pagan Wiccan Priestess at Coborn’s Supermarket. Last time I had seen her was at the St. Mary Church Youth Group meeting. So truth be told, the encounter at Coborn’s surprised me a great deal, and well, frankly, probably made Baby Jesus cry too.

In other awkward news, my six year old niece, Isabella, keeps asking me why I don’t have a girlfriend. She doesn’t connect the dots yet as to why I’m the “fun” uncle who likes to buy her Barbies, take her to “Mamma Mia”, and dance with her in the front row at the Miley Cyrus concert. If you aren’t able to connect the dots after reading that sentence either, just know that I’m very much in love with a special lady that I met online who lives in Canada. Miguel, my 18 month old nephew, loves to dance to Beyonce. I have a feeling we will have a lot in common down the road. All the single babies…put your hands up!

No official comment on the rest of the family. They have banned me from speaking about them publicly after my last stand up comedy show in Little Falls. The family took issue with me telling the world about some of their rather stupid blunders such as the time my dad electrocuted himself, or Melissa’s epic holiday meltdown the other year, and Jeremy’s infamous brush with the law (let’s just say the law won). Just know that they are mostly well.

Upon examining my life, I’ve come to the conclusion that I lead a very strange existence. I have decided to collect all the stories of my life over the years and commit them to paper. I’m sure most of you will stop speaking to me once this project is finished since I think changing names and events to protect the guilty is tacky. Be warned, I will name names proudly. Thus, at this time in 2010, I predict I will be rather lonely. Such is the price one pays in the quest for fame. But, I’m sure we will reconnect down the road when most of you resurface while I’m living large in Hollywood and you are suing me for all I’m worth.

In closing, I think 2009 can be summed up best by a lyric from Britney Spear’s colossal hit CIRCUS, “I’m like a firecracker, I make it hot.”

Wishing you all the best. From my heart to yours…Happy Holidays! And, yes, just so you know…everything in this letter is true. Every word.

Jason