Centipede II: Rise of Satan's Beast!

Last night, much to my horror, I discovered another centipede in my bedroom. What the #&@%. For real. Satan’s warrior was up on the wall by the bedroom door. Thank God it wasn’t by my bed again…that would have made me suicidal.

The centipede froze in place on the wall. I am pretty sure it was surprised to see me. I don’t think it expected me to come home when I did. Centipedes may be smart, but they don’t adapt well when their plan fails them. Centipedes do not have a “Plan B”. So I quickly grabbed the vacuum and sucked it up off the wall. I then thought I should go out to the dumpster and empty the vacuum’s canister. But, as luck would have it…it was dark out and that would mean that the raccoons would be out as well. It was like really bad déjà vu all over again. This is exactly what happened with the first centipede! So then I thought well since I am not in the mood to be mauled by raccoons, I could just put the canister in a plastic bag and tie it shut for the night. As I was about to pull off the canister I thought to myself “What if there are more centipedes tonight? Can I get the canister back on the vacuum fast enough to catch them?”. I figured that I probably wouldn’t be able to get it back together fast enough in the moment of stress. So I just vacuumed the floor three times throughout the night to make sure it was dead.

For the rest of the night I did sneak attacks to check and see if there were any more centipedes lurking about. The sneak attack is when I get as far into the dark room as possible with my finger still on the light switch. I then flip the switch on and yell “AH HA!” and look around the room quickly to see if I see any centipedes making a run for it. There was a two hour stretch where I did a sneak attack about every 10 minutes. I was more than a little obsessed with it. After many sneak attacks that turned up empty handed I had the bright idea to check behind my bed. If I was a centipede waiting for the opportunity to attack, I would hide behind the bed. Sneaky. So I moved the bed out a little ways from the wall and then I popped up and yelled “AH HA!” and I hit my chin really freakin’ hard on the headboard. I now have a massive bruise on my chin and it hurts like hell. Ouch. Seriously. I hate centipedes even more now that I have suffered a near fatal injury. Good thing I don’t have any modeling gigs today (not that I have ever had a modeling gig in my entire life, but still…) because there is not enough make up and photo shop skills to cover up the damage done to my chin.

Well, I never found another centipede last night, but the paranoia was in full rage nonetheless. I slept with the vacuum next to my bed and I had a flashlight on my nightstand. As I was lying there with my tools for centipede hunting I thought…this is just like the scene in the previews for the new Will Smith movie “I Am Legend” where he is laying the bathtub sleeping with his dog and shotgun. As I feel asleep I thought…”I really am Legend”.

I slept like a crack whore needing a fix. Which is not good. I was up every few minutes, darting around the room and the crashing again. I think tonight I might have to pull a Liza Minnelli and do a little self-medicating to get through the night. I’ll have to score a few pills from some kids down the road at the elementary school and then hit the liquor store. I am flippin’ tired!

Centipedes be warned. I will kill you all. I hate you. If I had my way, Earth would be centipede free. I feel myself slipping into diabolical madness. Help.