the distance grows

Lately I just want to shut the world out. Completely. I find myself fighting to have the strength to do anything. I call people but within a few seconds I’ve lost any desire for conversation. I email friends but find myself with nothing more to say other than “same old, same old”. I get together with people but find myself wishing I was somewhere else as soon as I arrive. I find myself pushing people away quite a bit lately. I am not sure what is going on. I have always been one to withdraw from the world in times of great personal upheaval. Usually in my darkest hours I am in a self-imposed exile. When wounded I pull away, work through it and then return to the world. I have never been one to say that I needed someone else or I need help. It simply is not in my nature. But since my mom’s death I find myself putting a great deal of distance between me and those I held most dear. I have moments of clarity where I realize I am doing it, but by then it is too late. Damage done. I fear by time I have my head on straight again there won’t be anyone left.