Wheels Spinning

I don’t know. I just don’t know. Confusion seems to be the norm right now. I have the attention span of an infant…if that. I have lost count how many times I have stopped in the middle of the room, not remembering if I was coming or going. Left, right, up, down, east, west, north, and south…which ever way the wind blows…is where my mind goes.

The only constant in the chaos of my mind is my mom’s memory. Every little thing triggers a memory. And I do mean everything. A crayon on the floor reminds me of the time my mom was cleaning and bent down to pick up a crayon and her back went out for over a week. Eggs in the refrigerator remind me of how my mom would make the best eggs ever. The seat cushion in my sister’s van reminds me of the time my mom had me take her to the store to get the fabric and foam so she could sew my sister a cushion because she was worried about my sister’s back. Hearing the word cancer reminds me of the call I got at work on February 6, 2004 from her telling me that they just found a tumor and she has cancer. Seeing my family reminds me that my mom is gone and can’t be with us. Everything seems to have a memory tethered to it. It is hard to move forward when the past surrounds you. It is hard to move forward when the past consumes you. It is hard…

Each night I still talk to my mom. I have yet to make it to the third sentence in the one-sided conversation without crying. The tears usually start to fall by the time I tell her that I pray and hope that she is safe and happy. I am 30 years old and I cry myself to sleep. I am also still sleeping with the light on. At least the nightmares have stopped for now. I don’t remember anything when I wake up. I figure it is probably better that way…so no complaints. I guess I am not as strong as I once thought I was. Learn something new every day.

I know I am not alone. My mind repeats that fact a thousand times a day. My heart refuses to listen. My heart knows different. As far as my heart is concerned…I am alone and always will be. The eternal battle between good and evil rages in one’s own body.

I miss her. Every day I miss her. I wish I could talk to her. I wish I could hold her hand. I wish that I could hug her. I wish I could tell her that I love her. I wish…

Nothing. Nothing is what I get accomplished each day. Every little task seems so monumental. Still working on the thank you cards, still working on cleaning up her stuff, still working on pre-production stuff for the musical, still working on connecting with people, still working on putting one foot in front of the other. Still working on…but no progress is made. None. I am failing. Trying to take baby steps at least. Baby steps. I am starting to feel like Bob from “What about Bob?” All I need a goldfish in a jar hanging around my neck. Crazy but true. Baby steps.

In life…I struggle to understand. I fight to figure it out. I find a way to make the most of what is. I fight, struggle and thrash around like a fish out of water and then in a brief moment a switch flips in my mind and the chaos clears and the clouds part and I understand. My mom was the same way. Our minds were created from the same blueprint. She and I were more alike than anyone ever knew. They say when your personality is too close to someone else’s you fight and clash all the time…well, our personalities were so terribly close that we never fought. One in the same. A thin line. Very thin.

So I guess I will fight and struggle and search for a way to deal with her death. I will It will probably take longer than I expect. But when the switch flips…


Goodbye
by Natalie Imbruglia

Every day’s the same, I feel them merge
I try to separate, resist the urge
But they tell me I’ll be fine
That it will all get better
Just try to write it down
Or put it in a letter

But the words won’t play
And there’s no easy way to say
Goodbye, goodbye

Keep my head on straight and don’t look down
With all I’ve pushed away I’m losing ground
But they tell me I’ll be fine
That it will all get better
Just try to write it down
Or put it in a letter

But the words won’t play
Cause there’s no easy way to say
Goodbye, goodbye

And from the sidelines
Watch me fall down

And I don’t understand the things I do
But I’ll probably be fine
As long as I keep moving
I’ll try to write it down
So things just keep improving
Still the words won’t play
Cause there’s no easy way to say
Goodbye, goodbye