Pink Flamingos

Today was my mom’s birthday. She was born 52 years ago today on May 21, 1953.

We went to the cemetery today. At first it did not seem real by any means. I just could not understand how it could possibly be her birthday and I am standing at her grave. It did not make any sense. Nothing made sense. Then reality hit and hit hard. I cried a great deal. Without doubt it was the hardest visit to the cemetery to date. Every day the fog lifts a little and realness of it all becomes a little clearer. Every passing day is more of an affirmation that she is really gone. I hate it.

We left some memorial flowers and two pink flamingos. She loved pink flamingos. To her they were so tacky they were cool. Kind of like those dogs that are so ugly they are cute. Well, that is how my mom felt about pink flamingos. She always had one proudly displayed in the yard despite the looks from others. I thought it was funny. I warned her that this year there would be 52 of them in the yard…a sea of pink. Since she did not make it to her birthday…she got two instead. A pair of pink flamingos at her grave. I can honestly say that she is the only one at the cemetery with pink flamingos. Even in death she is still one in a million.

After visiting her grave we went to the casino. It was hard to be there without her. We never went that often, but the majority of the times I had been there was with her. My mom loved to try her luck on the penny machines, so we decided to go play them for a little bit for her. As we pulled into the casino parking lot and searched for a place to park we almost hit our step-dad. There he was, completely by chance, stepping right out in front of the truck. Another one of those random moments that you wonder what is the meaning behind it. We had no idea he was going there. We don’t talk much at all to him anymore. There are thousands of people up there at the casino and hotel. It is huge. And here, in the never ending sea of people in a huge parking lot, we almost hit our step-dad. Odd. Very odd.

My sister and I lost. Richard won $20. Big night of playing the high-stakes penny machines. It did not matter to me that I lost. I could have actually cared less. It was just important to be someplace that my mom had enjoyed and could forget about being so sick for a little bit. As I sat playing her favorite machine, I remembered the times we had been there before and all the laughs we had. I remember how excited she would get on her many winning streaks and how she would plot and scheme when she would be losing. We always had fun.

May 21, 2005. Her first birthday without her. Another “first” checked off on the infamous “year of firsts” when a loved one dies. Everyone who has lost a dearly loved one has warned me about the upcoming year. I knew it would be difficult, but I had never imagined it being this difficult. It is truly hell on Earth. Normally I am one of those people who brace themselves for the worst and then are able to say afterwards “that wasn’t so bad”. Well, not this time. Not even in my worst nightmare could I have imagined what life has felt like since her passing. Not even close. Time is marching on and pulling us all along with it. Kicking and screaming. Pleading to go back to a time in our lives when life was better and being denied. Instead we are being thrust into another minute, another hour, another day, another week, and another month without her. Being pushed forward violently and without care. Being pushed forward with no chance of coming back. Life is a one way ticket, not round trip. I never fully realized that before.

They say time heals all wounds. I don’t think that is true. I think time just gives you new wounds to focus on to distract you from the old ones. The wounds are still there, unhealed, but just pushed aside. Look and you will see them. We all still have them…hiding somewhere.

I miss her so much. The days are not getting easier yet. I have yet to get through a day without crying. I am still sleeping with a light on. I am still praying, but sadly I think the prayers are falling on deaf ears…or once again the answer is no.

Happy Birthday Mom. You are loved and you are missed.


Keep Me In Your Heart
by Warren Zevon

Shadows are falling and I'm running out of breath
Keep me in your heart for awhile

If I leave you it doesn't mean I love you any less
Keep me in your heart for awhile

When you get up in the morning and you see that crazy sun
Keep me in your heart for awhile

There's a train leaving nightly called when all is said and done
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for awhile
Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Sometimes when you're doing simple things around the house
Maybe you'll think of me and smile

You know I'm tied to you like the buttons on your blouse
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Hold me in your thoughts, take me to your dreams
Touch me as I fall into view
When the winter comes keep the fires lit
And I will be right next to you

Engine driver's headed north to Pleasant Stream
Keep me in your heart for awhile

These wheels keep turning but they're running outof steam
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for awhile
Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Keep me in your heart for awhile