The rain begins to fall...

The end of a long day. A day of meetings, appointments and running errands. What kind of casket? What kind of Memorial and Prayer card? What photos to display? What songs to have sung at the funeral? What about this? What about that? What about these? She was with us. We all agreed on the decisions. No fights, no tears, no drama. Nothing bad at all. First time for everything. Even my brother and I got along. Surely a sign that the end is near.

At least we knew what she wanted to be buried in. We talked about that. The dress she got married in...the second time. She looked at me...days ago...and said during the conversation about her funeral that she wanted to be buried in the dress she was married in. Without skipping a beat she added...”and not the one from the wedding to your dad either. Don’t even think about it.” She beat me to the punch. She knew I would make a joke. I really knew which dress she wanted. The simple, pretty cream and beige one. She wanted the dress she was married in the second time to the man who is now my stepdad. Not her tradational wedding dress from the first marriage. The marriage that ended in divorce, but not hatred. My mom and dad remained friends. Once, in this hellish nightmare, my Dad broke down crying on the street in the middle of downtown while he was helping do errands. 53 years old and he was a broken man. Shattered. Overcome with grief. I comforted him in the street. All I ever seem to do is comfort everyone else. Making sure they are ok. Hugging him. In my 30 years of life there has not been many hugs between my Dad and I. Can probably count them on two hands if I thought long and hard. The man who is officially my stepdad has been in my life for 14 years - my mom’s boyfriend for 12 years and my stepdad for almost 2 years. I don’t know him. 14 years is a long time to know someone and still not know them. Trust me. Some things I will never understand. Love. I don’t get it. But, sometimes the choices made by others are a part of your life without your consent, permission or liking. Live with it. Co-exist. We all have our own demons to battle...some more than others...clearly some have way more demons than others. Trust me. In 14 years I hugged my stepdad once. I hugged him on the day they took my mom’s lifeless body from our house. Well, his house. It never truly felt like my home. My mom was my home. It did not matter where she lived...because where she was...was home. Now she is gone and so is home. That is a tough one. Hasn’t sunk in yet. When it does...it will hurt like hell, I know this and many have told me...so many have told me...and continue to tell me. My mom hugged me...a lot. I was her first born. I don’t care what anyone says...there is a special, unique bond between a mother and the first born child. They find their way through life together. Everything is done for the first time, side by side. By child two and three...there is a plan of sorts. A sense of “been there, done that”. Or so I think. I know that my relationship with my mom is rare. I say “is” rather than “was” because she is still with me. In my heart, in my being, in my soul. We helped each other through a lot. A rock for each other, support for each other when we had to battle our own demons. Mother and son, best friends. Hard to explain...you had to know us. If we had been superheros we would have ranked up there with Batman and Robin. So there it is...she wants the dress from the second wedding. The thought of her laid out in the casket in her first wedding dress made of silk, lace and long veil makes us both laugh hard. Such a crazy thought, but yet so fitting for our crazy family. We laugh out loud. Then sadness...once again it is so very real for the both of us. She is dying. That was then, this is now. She is dead. She is gone forever soon...after the funeral on Friday. It hurts now...and I know it will hurt like hell even more soon. The pain is still coming, no end in sight.

Last night I was afraid to go to sleep. I stayed up as long as I physically could. I left the lights on. Just like I did for my mom in the hospital. It eases the fear of waking up and not knowing where you are. Once in the hospital I woke up and it was dark...very dark. I did not know exactly where I was, confusion, I thought it was all a nightmare. Relieved. My mom was not sick...or so I thought. I honestly did. Once I got my bearings I realized where I was, why I was there and that it wasn’t a nightmare in a dream sense but a nightmare in a very real sense. The pain was overwhelming. Had I woken up and remembered...known...I would have been spared the pain of facing the truth again. Last night I slept with the light on...so I would not wake up and have to relive her death.

10:20 AM came and went today. It arrived while I was writing out her obituary. I knew, I was aware, I noticed the time. It came and went. I am not sure what I was expecting. 10:20 AM, April 18, 2005. 24 hours since her death. There were tears. Time marches on, minute by minute, moment by moment. Can’t stop it. Can’t slow it down. Can’t get it back. From 10:20 AM, April 17, 2005 to 10:20 AM, April 18, 2005, a passage of 24 hours after her death...we are all 24 hours closer to our own death. Make each moment count. We can’t get them back. Go forward and live, but remember and love. Tomorrow more questions needing answers.

I just want to hear her voice.


One Step Closer
By U2

I’m ‘round the corner from anything that’s real
I’m across the road from hope
I’m under a bridge in a rip tide
That’s taken everything I call my own
One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
I’m on an island at a busy intersection
I can’t go forward, I can’t turn back
Can’t see the future
It’s getting away from me
I just watch the tail lights glowing
One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
Knowing, knowing
I’m hanging out to dry
With my old clothes
Finger still red with the prick of an old rose
Well the heart that hurts Is a heart that beats
Can you hear the drummer slowing?
One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
To knowing, to knowing, to knowing