Nightmare

The nightmares have begun. Restless nights. I woke up in a panic and sad. I had a nightmare that my mom was still alive but would not let us take any pictures or tape her. I kept crying and pleading to let us take a picture of her because I knew she would be gone soon. She wouldn’t give in. Then I woke up. All just a bad dream. Very real, but a bad dream nonetheless. I am actually surprised that the nightmares did not start sooner. I don’t want to go to bed. The days are bad enough. I don’t need bad nights too.

I stopped out at my mom’s house today. Just to stop by to make sure all of her things were still there. I get nervous that things will disappear. We are cleaning out her belongings this Saturday. When I got there I noticed all her kitchen stuff was in my old bedroom upstairs. My step-sisters have been boxing up her belongings and stashing them away in my old room. I stood upstairs beyond anger. Once again on the brink of rage. Why can’t they just leave all her stuff alone? Saturday is only 3 days away. Funny how they only box up the stuff they don’t have an immediate use for. They don’t box up her computer or her TV or her pots and pans. They don’t box up all the bath towels that she bought and belonged to her. They don’t box up glasses and silverware that she bought and belonged to her. They don’t box up all the bedding and pillows that she bought and belonged to her. They just box up random stuff. You can’t pick and choose. As far as I am concerned…either it is ok for her stuff to stay right now or it all goes. And I do mean all. I am on the verge of going into that house and stripping it of everything that belonged to her. The dishes belong to my step-dad…but what good are they if I take the pots and pans, glasses and silverware that belong to her? I was ok with leaving some of her stuff there for him to use. After all, he was her husband. She loved him and I want to do right by her. He is not an easy person to care about, much less love. So I am reaching the point of not caring. I am reaching the point of not caring if he has anything left. I am reaching the point of not caring if he is miserable or not. I am reaching the point of not caring if he is above ground or six feet under. I am reaching the point….

Red roses. My mom’s favorite. I went out to the cemetery again and left her a red rose. It is the second one this week. If I could I would go out everyday. I cried harder this time than the first time. Moments of it becoming real. Most of the time it doesn’t feel real except for random moments. Most of today I felt like she was alive but just off working in her concession trailer at some craft show or something. Most of today I felt like I was just living somewhere else and she was back at home, much like when I lived in New York. The brain does funny things when it can’t take anymore. I can’t believe the fact that she is gone so my brain just places her somewhere else…safe. Then reality hits and it hits hard. No warning. It was snowing. End of April and I am standing in the cemetery at my mother’s grave while it snows. Life is certainly a strange journey sometimes…

Nothing more to say…it is becoming real again and I can’t take it. It’s hard to type when you are crying. I get flashes of her. Briefs little flashes of her and things that happened in her final days. The look she gave me or something she said. A smile she gave me or a simple “I love you” or a quick roll of her eyes when it all became too much. Flashes. I knew that those were her final days but not her final moments. If I had known that they were her final moments I would have never even blinked…not wanting to miss a single thing. After being with her for 14 months constantly I don’t know how to be without her. A void beyond comprehension. Does that make sense? I was looking back at some emails she had sent me over the past 14 months and came across one that she sent me when I had gone back to the cities for a few days to gets some things done there, she wrote... “I'll be very happy to see you tonight, I MISS YOU! It's been hard being with you day and night for how long and then gone. Love, Mom.” There it is…the truth. It is hard being with someone for so long then not having them there anymore. You feel abandoned, left behind and isolated. Simple truth. I believe in my heart that where ever she is now, she wishes she could hold my hand again too and tell me it will be alright. But, she can’t and I can’t. It won’t be alright.

People are starting to finally get some sort of an understanding of my loss and of my family’s loss. People who truly knew us know that we lost so much more than a mother. All they do is look at me and cry…unable to say much of anything. The tears say enough. The tears say more than enough.

Nightmare. My life is a nightmare right now…if I could only somehow wake up…problem is…I am not sleeping.