River

driving to minneapolis from st. cloud
neither place really home
the day after Thanksgiving
the first without my mom
worse than I had expected
so much worse

It’s coming on Christmas
They’re cutting down trees
They’re putting up reindeer
And singing songs of joy and peace
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on

they say the first year is the worst
“just gotta get through the year of firsts”
then it will be better
the chorus sings
just…
gotta…
they promise
i
think
they
lie
lies lies and more lies
after a year of “firsts”
comes a year of “seconds”
then comes the
thirds
fourths
fifths
sixths
and so on and on and on
until we meet again

I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I wish I had a river so long
I would teach my feet to fly
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on

on the radio joni mitchell’s song “river” plays
loud
i look ahead
i’m now behind a hearse
a hearse on the freeway
94
between st. cloud and minneapolis
can it get worse?
probably not.
tears fall
memories flash
of
looking at the back of a hearse
the day they drove your remains away
the day they drove your remains to the church
the day they drove your remains to your final resting place
memories
of things past
memories
i'll never forget
memories
i can’t seem to get past
although you’re gone
you still remain

It’s coming on Christmas
They’re cutting down trees
They’re putting up reindeer
And singing songs of joy and peace
I wish I had a river
I could skate away on...


“River” by Joni Mitchell

P U

Last night I hit a skunk. A skunk on the small little exit ramp connecting 394 westbound to 494 northbound. A skunk just standing in middle of the exit ramp with a suicide wish. Due to construction, the ramp was much smaller than normal with concrete walls on each side of me. No choice other than to hit the skunk or to total my car and probably kill myself. It was terrible. I hit the skunk going at a speed of about 50 miles per hour; there was no chance of survival for the skunk. I remember seeing the skunk briefly, then feeling a thud, and then literally seeing pieces of the skunk sail through the air in the headlights of the car behind me. I am sure that the car behind me was covered in skunk. There was no way in could not have been.

I started to cry. Yes, ridiculous…I know. But, it is the truth. I did. I felt terrible. This is the first thing that I have hit that has resulted in death. Not the first thing I have hit, mind you, that was a puppy the night before Thanksgiving a few years back…but the puppy lived. That was one of the most surreal nights of my life, which will be the subject of another post at some point…but now we are giving the skunk his own moment of remembrance.

I continue driving back to my apartment, as I am trying to see the road through my tear stained glasses a stench fills the car. I have never in my life smelled anything so vile and rotten as I did last night. “Gross” is the only word that can describe it, and yet comes up short.

As I continue driving, straining to see the road through my tear stained glasses, I now have to roll down the window to get fresh air because I am trying not to vomit.

Last night was the longest ride home I have ever had. Too much drama for 3 miles.

The car still stinks today.

I hate skunks.

Ish.