all roads

driving in the rain
on a sunday afternoon
the mind tends to wander
sometimes i think too much
i know i do
almost a personality flaw

staring out on the road
thinking where i’ve been
and where i’m going
not just today
but yesterday and tomorrow
as well

traffic backed up for miles
no reason why
just is
like so much else in life
no reason why
just is

exit 94
and backtrack
i find myself
driving highway 10
for the first time ever
from st. cloud to the twin cities

hours earlier at brunch
for my dad’s birthday
my sister and i talked
of living in champlin
when we were little
over french toast and omelets

conversation of youth
and my obsession of e.t.
reese’s pieces lined my windowsill every night
i wanted an alien of my own
more than anything in the world
i still do, i guess

now as i traveled
on highway 169 south
i found myself back in
champlin
first time since 1984
face to face with the past unexpectedly

23 years have gone by
i didn’t bother looking for our old house
on george street
i’d never find the where we lived
no matter how hard i’d try
so much has changed

the rain falls steady
when i am quiet
my mind often returns
to thoughts of my mom
and all that went wrong
over those fourteen months

in the hospital
near the end
i was beyond an emotional train wreck
devastated to the core of my being
to some degree i still am
parts will never heal

as i was still praying for a miracle
my mom looked at me and said
“if you want you can buy the burial plot next to me,
unless you would rather end up somewhere else.”
the thought of it never crossed my mind
before

i did buy the cemetery plot
without hesitation
an odd purchase at the age of 30
now no matter which roads i take in life
i know where they will ultimately end
oakland cemetery, little falls, Minnesota

the irony of it all
i’ve spent so much of my life
trying to escape that small little town
now by choice
i will return
for all of eternity

it’s oddly freeing
in the strangest sense
to know where you will be laid to rest
when the sun sets on your final day
eventually
all roads lead home

Crazy Pills

So I went to the doctor again this morning. Second clinic visit in two weeks. I’ve had a cough for over 5 weeks that I simply cannot get rid of. I am going to lose my mind. I think I am dying. I really do.

I decided to go to a different doctor this time since the last one was a quack of epic proportions. At the first visit Dr. Lowell spent more time yelling at me for buying over the counter medication because as he put it “all you are doing is sending over paid executives on fancy vacations by buying medicines that don’t work at all.” Then he thumped my chest a little and told me that it will probably last a few more weeks unless it turns into pneumonia.

Now the second doctor decides to put me on steroids since he is convinced that my lungs are inflamed. He doesn’t do an x-ray or anything like that…oh no…just decides that it’s not pneumonia or anything else…just inflamed lungs.

He starts off by recommending that I drink hot tea or have a bowl of soup every hour. Yes, every hour. Apparently that will thin the crap in my lungs and I will be able to cough more of it up. I don’t want to cough anything up. I just want to take a pretty little pill and have it all go away…magically…like real medicine does. No more coughing, no more mucus, no more anything. Magic.

Then he looks at me and starts to explain the dosage and whatnot about the steroids. After some rambling he looks at me and says “They will probably mess with your mind. You will either be really happy or really sad or even totally wired. So try to keep that in mind if you decide you want to jump off a bridge. It will only last two weeks.” I just sat there looking at him, trying to figure out if this is really happening or if it’s just a bizarre dream. Then he continues with “and you will probably gain weight. A lot of people gain weight when they take this medication.” What the hell. I just want to stop coughing. But, here’s the kicker…I need to come back in if it’s not better in two weeks because then it’s probably pneumonia. Can’t we just do an x-ray and rule it out for good?

So everyone has been warned. If my behavior turns erratic don’t worry, in two weeks it will be over. Most importantly if you see a really fat version of me standing on a ledge acting crazy, please pull me back to safety. I really don’t want to jump…it’s just my meds.

Let the crazy begin.

tidbits

*Rihanna was in the studio yesterday and nobody told me. How angry am I? Very. I love her song “Umbrella”. Apparently that fact was lost on everyone despite the fact that I sing the song all day every day at the front desk. “You can stand under my umbrella, Brella, Brella, Eh, Eh.” It is going to be awhile for that wound to heal.

*Jennifer Hanson (an up and coming country star) came into the studio today to perform. I requested she sing “Umbrella”. She said she didn’t know it. I was disappointed. I told her to look into it because it’s gonna be a big hit. For those of you who don’t know who Jennifer is…she wrote the song “Leave the Pieces” that was released by The Wreckers. Jennifer has an album coming out very soon. She’s good…even though she doesn’t know “Umbrella”. A country version of “Umbrella” could be excellent. Can you hear me Tim and Faith? Think about it.

*I am still sick. I am going to the doctor tomorrow. I think I am dying. Everyone else thinks I am crazy. We will see who wins that bet. I need to get better as soon as possible so I can start performing again. I can’t get up on stage and cough for the whole act. Ugh.

*Work is driving me crazy. The phones just will not stop ringing today. I just look at the phone and think what would Carrie Underwood do? Then I take a deep breath and sing “Jesus take the switchboard. Take it from my hands. Cause I can't do this on my own. I'm letting go. So give me one more chance. To save me from this caller that’s on hold. Jesus take the switchboard.”

*I still laugh every time I think about the youtube video of Faith Hill yelling at that crazy fan that grabbed Tim’s package during the concert. I love the fact that Faith never breaks the rhythm of the song when yelling at the woman and then jumps right back into the song with a hearty “Here we go…”. It’s awesome. Check it out. I want it on DVD.

*Tonight I am going to watch the re-run of “Last Comic Standing”. I hope it’s good. I missed it last night because of Paula’s birthday dinner. I did end up watching re-runs of “Flipping Out”. That show rocks. I love it. They are all beyond insane. Much better than the disappointment of “Hey Paula”. That show was just plain bad. But, I did like her hissy fit over having to wear her tight jeans on the airplane.

*At dinner last night Paula took my side over the whole Thai food ordeal from New York City. Becca still thinks it’s ok because I said “it’s fine” three times. Paula said that she simply knows better than to even offer Thai food as a suggestion to begin with. She then said that she knows I wouldn’t even want to watch people eat Thai food. Paula knows me so well. I “heart” Paula.

*Alisha, one of the bright spots at work, just told me that Friday is going to be her last day. I hate this. But, she wants to be a nurse. Good for her. Maybe she can help figure out why I keep coughing. Seriously I am sick. I will miss Alisha though.

*I’m hungry. No shocker there though. I am always hungry.

*On CNN they are running the story of a teacher kidnapping a student for sex. I was not that lucky in school. Dammit. And on that note…I am going home.

SHAMELESS - 2002

Five years ago in 2002 I took part in the Minnesota Fringe Festival for the very first time. I performed my one man show “Shameless” and it was an event I will never forget for many reasons. The first being it was my Twin Cities premiere, the second being I got great reviews, and third I learned a lesson that sometimes it’s not good to make off-the-cuff smartass remarks to the newspaper reporter. Because, as it turns out, they will probably be printed and in the end make you look like a complete idiot.

I remember vividly standing in Rainbow Foods in Plymouth with Jen (my roommate at the time) and flipping open the newspaper to the arts section in the St. Paul Pioneer Press. There I was…an article and photo of me on stage performing. Exciting! How awesome is that? Then I started to read the article. I stood there in shock. All of my stupid remarks were printed as actual quotes. Some of which I have never been able to live down. I guess I am always good for a sound bite or two. So here it is, the article in it's enterity as it ran in the newspaper…enjoy.


Novices Take Steps to the Fringe.
'Low risk and high anxiety' as stage artists prepare for spotlight.
by MATT PEIKENSt. Paul Pioneer Press, August 4, 2002

Most performers regard the big time as a stage in New York. For Jason Schommer, who has conquered every stage in Little Falls, Minn., Minneapolis is big enough for now. .

"Back home, I'm kinda like the local boy who made good. Here, I'm a nobody," Schommer said Saturday afternoon, a half-hour before making both his Twin Cities and Minnesota Fringe Festival debuts.

His one-man show, essentially a set of standup comedy he's calling "Shameless" is among more than 130 productions on the Fringe schedule. Shows run through Aug. 11 at 17 venues in downtown and Uptown Minneapolis.

The 28-year-old Schommer stood alone inside a quiet Brave New Workshop, scanned the empty seats and said, "I'm gonna go to the bathroom, put on some Chap Stick and pray people come."

The Fringe Festival, in its ninth season, attracts a handful of seasoned playwrights and performers but is largely for novice artists and experimental shows. Audiences go in hoping for gems while armed with a tolerance for duds. Schommer and other performers see the Fringe as an important baby step in their creative evolutions.

At Old Arizona Studios, 23-year-old choreographers Galen Treuer and Ann Willemssen presented "See Jane Dance," their first dance outside of Oberlin College in Iowa, where both graduated in 2001.

"It's low-risk and high-anxiety," Willemssen said of the Fringe. "At Oberlin, you got to know the audience pretty well. The same people see you over and over again. Here, we don't know if people will like it or think it's funny. We don't even know if they'll show up."

Willemssen and Treuer opened their show to any dancer willing to perform. They wound up with a small group of young women with a range of experience, from ballet and modern dance work to someone who had only practiced yoga.

Backstage at their Fringe debut Saturday afternoon, dancers stretch, laugh and talk-and-walk their way through some steps. Willemssen hands each dancer a yellow rose as a gift. Everyone forms a circle with the choreographers and holds hands.

"Eye contact," one dancer says.

"Make them love you," adds another.

"Be a little sassy," Treuer says.

"And have fun, you guys, no matter what," Willemssen beams. "Even if you screw up."

Further up Nicollet Avenue, at the Red Eye Collaboration, Michelle Elliott and James Lekvin seem relaxed and cavalier 15 minutes away from the opening of "When Pop Stars Attack." This is their fifth year of presenting a new musical at the Fringe, and the co-writers say they can only fail through caution.

"Anything goes in the Fringe, and audiences are coming for the sheer community of it," Elliott said. "Being wild and creative is the thrill of it. If something doesn't work, at least we tried it." Back at the Brave New Workshop, the technician gives Schommer the 5-minute cue.

"Oh, God, you're about to watch a train derail," Schommer says. "Is anybody out there?"

"Oh, yeah," the tech says. "But they're all sitting in the back."

"Oh, well, it's like that in Little Falls, too," Schommer says before stepping up to peek through the curtain. "I see 15 people who hopefully want a good show."

He opens some pieces of paper -- his loose script -- and draws Xs through large chunks of text. The tech speaks to Schommer through an intercom: "Places." Schommer turns to the curtain and exhales.

"O.K., it's magic time."


**NOTE: Personally my two favorite remarks are the ones about going to the bathroom to put on chap-stick and that it’s magic time. What was I thinking? Cripes.**

and i sing....

I sang. I sang in front of others. I didn’t die. More importantly no one else died either. I want some badges of honor to wear proudly. I deserve them.

I have been taking the performance track improv classes at Brave New Workshop this past year and now have finally come to the final class…music. Basically it’s the same as regular improv scenes except that you sing everything. Everything. Nothing is spoken in the scene. If it was real life instead of talking through out the day you would sing what you are expressing. For example…if I was doing music improv at work I would pick up the phone and sing “Good Morning, how may I help you?” “Uh huh.” “Oh yeah.” “Hold please, while I look up that extension.” “Good bye…and thank you for calling.” Now it could be done in the style of rock, pop, or maybe even a pretty Celine Dion-esque ballad. Actually now that I think about it…it would probably be a sad ballad. After all, who is happy to be at work? Even if you love your job, there is probably some other place you would rather be than sitting in your cubicle. So yeah, sad tormented ballad it is.

Now I was terrified of this class, I’ve been dreading it all year. I almost bailed about a million times on Thursday. I am not a singer, nor do I pretend to be. I usually only sing in public if I am drunk or…well…there is no or. It’s usually because I am drunk. There were 6 of us in the class along with the musical director and Katy (our instructor). I was in the last duo to perform. I survived. It wasn’t that bad. The music was actually a huge help since it ended up dictating the emotional core of scene. It’s a huge gift in the moment because it gives you a leaping off point. Our scene ended up being that of a young couple madly in love who met each other over the internet. We had a riot.

There it is. I stepped way outside of my comfort zone. I do mean way outside. So far outside, in fact, that had I turned around and looked back I would have never even seen my comfort zone. And that, people, is far. Way far.

But the oddest thing is that I had a blast doing it. I really had fun. Who cares if I can’t sing. It doesn’t matter. It’s just about having a great scene. I am actually looking forward to class now. This is a big change after the ordeal known as “The Harold”. Ugh, that class bit the big one. I didn’t even know if I wanted to do improv anymore after that ordeal. But, now I have found the joy in it again and that is a great feeling.

In a few weeks I will be singing on stage in front of an audience at Six Ring Circus. Say your prayers.

So if you talk to me and I am singing my little fat heart out, don’t be alarmed. I am just practicing. Sit back and enjoy it. It’s “Life: The Improv Musical!”

I said my name's not Crisco. No, No, No.

Crisco and Me!

*By the way, I'm on your right*

At work there is a guy on the morning show by the name of Crisco. He’s the show’s loose canon. Crisco pretty much does any and all stunts that Dave can think of. These stunts can range from naked hugs with the show’s producer, tormenting store employees, eating cheese whiz off someone’s rear end. You name it and Crisco has pretty much done it. Last fall he got into a lot of trouble for allegedly starting the dumpster on fire by accident after a show’s stunt by not thinking and throwing hot bar-b-que coals into it. The police and fire department were called out to the building. It was a mess. So that Halloween I dressed up as Crisco and I made it look like my desk’s garbage can was on fire. It was pretty good. I was a big hit at the office over that one.

Now the bad part is that people come in to work and they think I am Crisco. I know, I know…a bitter pill indeed. I cringe when people look at me and think that they saw me naked on the radio station’s website. Literally I die a little death each time. Some listeners are really disappointed to find out that I’m not him and others simply refuse to believe that I am not Crisco.

So here is a picture…proving once and or all that I am not Crisco and forever ending the great debate that I am him. I never had physical proof before. Much like how we never see Michael and Janet Jackson in the same photo. But, now I have it! Behold the evidence that I am not Crisco.

Anyways here we are. I took this photo at work when I saw that we were both wearing blue polo shirts on the same day. Pretty good, right?

So…Is Crisco my evil twin separated at birth? What do you think? Are we cuter than Mary Kate and Ashley Olson?

Awkward Moment #468

Last night Becca and I attend a Fringe Festival show. It wasn’t very good, but that’s beside the point, back on topic. While looking at the program Becca saw a name she recognized and was excited that he was there working in the technical booth. After the show, she said she wanted to stop and say hi to Sean. So we wander over to the tech booth, but I was more than ready to bail out of fear of running into any of the actors or producers and have that “it was fun (but it really sucked)” moment of awkwardness. Once at the booth I am horrified, no, make it beyond horrified, to see that it is Sean from my freshman year of college at Moorhead State University. I just don’t like him. What are the flipping odds that we would be in the same theatre at 10:30 on a Tuesday night in Minneapolis? Obviously the odds were not in my favor because now we were standing face to face.

Now, some of you may not know this, but in rather awkward situations where I am taken off guard I can get kind of icy. It’s true. I don’t try to be rude, but I am just not comfortable. I’m not always the most out-going and friendly person. I just have a hard time faking it sometimes. So while Becca stood there talking up a storm, I would do a half-hearted nod or smirk every so often. We parted ways with no vain attempts at the whole “let’s get together sometime” crap that people do and never mean it.

So we go downstairs and are in the hallway about to exit the building. As we walk to the door this was our conversation…

JASON: Well, that’s someone I never want to see again.
BECCA: Who? Sean?
JASON: Yeah, Sean.
*neither of us noticed Sean right behind us.*
SEAN: Ahh, you’re a jackass. I’m locking the door so you can’t get back in.
*we walk out the door and Sean locks it. *

Once outside the door Becca and I immediately doubled over laughing, I almost wet myself. Becca said that it was one of her favorite moments of the year. I could not believe that I was so clueless that Sean was directly behind us. Clearly I need to be more aware of my surroundings before I speak. But, at least I didn’t try to backpedal or make a joke out of it. I meant it and it’s ok that he knows it, right? They were my words and I own them. So there it is. My nice guy reputation is now soiled. Damn it. I’m a jackass.

Jesus Christ vs. Mickey Mouse

Every now and again I am really struck by something that is so bizarre that it truly leaves me speechless. I was watching TV at work this morning (yes, you read that right. I have a TV a few feet from my desk in the lobby) and on CNN News they ran a story about “The Holy Land Experience Theme Park” in Orlando, Florida recovering from a financial loss. Yes, it’s real. Google it for the weblink if you think I am lying.

As I sat in my chair watching the footage of this theme park, I tried to think of the last time I’ve seen something so odd. I failed. I cannot think of anything that beats this. The footage included scenes of re-enactments of Jesus preaching to the masses, Jesus walking through the streets, Jesus being crucified on the cross. Yeah, that’s right…crucified. Apparently there are “shows” throughout the day that re-enact moments in biblical history. How weird would it be to have that job? Imagine that conversation at a dinner party…

SCENE: A PARTY IN A CONDO IN ORLANDO.
Party Host: “So what do you for a living?”
Actor playing Jesus: “Uh…I’m Jesus and I’m crucified every day at 6 PM.”
Party Host: Oh my God!”
Actor Playing Jesus: “Yeah, that’s what I say. But, don’t worry I rise from the dead at 7 PM every day Monday through Saturday.”
Party Host: “Neat. So can you turn my water into wine?”

I’m sure that actor must have a super sized ego. WOW. Could you imagine a few years down the road when he is in the some terrible dinner theatre production of “Cats” in Iowa…just sitting there licking his paws on the edge of the floating tire thinking “I used to be someone. I used to be Jesus.”

But my favorite scene in the footage was that of a woman getting her picture taken with Moses and the stone tablets. She was so over the moon giddy to see Moses that it was really funny. I wonder who the most popular character is to get your picture taken with? Is it Moses? Or how about Herod, Mary, or maybe even Cain and Abel? Maybe one of the Apostles? Do you think Judas is over in the corner mad that no one wants a picture with him? That would bite to be that actor…

SCENE: THE JERUSALEM STREET MARKET AT "HOLY LAND EXPERIENCE".
A Mom: “So who are you?”
Actor playing Judas: “I’m Judas. Ummm…I betray Jesus every day at 3 PM”.
Kids: “Boo! Hiss! Boo! You suck!”
Mom: “Kid’s get away from Judas right now!”
Tattletale Kid: “Mom, Jenny’s a traitor. She hugged Judas!”
Mom: “Jenny! Get over here now! Some sins cannot be washed off!”
Smartass Kid: “Hey Judas, how’s it hangin?”

I wonder if Judas has to have security guards around him to keep from being beat up or stoned to death. I hope he gets paid well because that job would bite.

Some highlights at the park that I found include…

CALVARY GARDEN TOMB
Follow the Via Dolorosa, the road on which Christ carried the cross, to Calvary’s Garden Tomb. Spend time resting, praying, or reflecting on the meaning and significance of the empty tomb. Atop the hill stand the crosses of Gologtha, where Jesus was crucified and died for the sins of the world.

DEAD SEA QUMRAN CAVES
This unique land mass is a replica of the desert caves where the Dead Sea Scrolls were discovered by a shepherd boy in 1947. West of the Dead Sea and south of Jericho, these caves may have been home to a Jewish sect known as the Essenes.

JERUSALEM STREET MARKET
When you pass through our city gate, you will travel back in time to an ancient land that is 2000 years old and 7000 miles away! In the street market of Jerusalem, browse the Middle Eastern market place, see the city well, begin a walking tour of the Experience, and interact with Jerusalem’s own street merchants.

Plus there are other sights including The Great Temple, Reflecting Pool, The Scriptorium, Wilderness Tabernacle, KidVenture, and so much more!

The dining options are a riot.

A day at The Holy Land Experience will satisfy your spiritual appetite, but there's no need to ignore your physical hunger!

ROYAL PORTICO EATERY
Featuring hot, smoked turkey legs, delicious Edy's® ice cream, smoothies, and more. Take a break during your day and eat in the shadow of the beautiful and majestic Great Temple.

SIMEON’S CORNER
Located at the crossroads across from the Qumran Caves, stop by for a steaming foot-long hot dog, or a giant flavored pretzel, and grab something cold to drink.

Now I don’t want to be Debby Downer or anything but I highly doubt that Jesus ate foot long hotdogs or Edy’s Ice Cream. I’m just saying if we are going to do this right, let’s do it right. Could we maybe have some real food that they would have eaten? Such as maybe bread, fish, olive oil or honeycomb. Do you think they sell apples? Or is that still a sore subject?

My vacation for next summer is now planned.

Summer 2008. Destination: The Holy Land Experience Theme Park.

Anyone wanna come along? It will be good for you and your soul. Sure Disney is a lot of fun, but Mickey can’t get you through the pearly gates, now can he? Best of all it only costs $35 for an all day pass and $5 for parking. A cheap price for eternal salvation, don’t you think?

Orlando or bust.

i hate mondays

I hate Mondays.

First off, I was tying to do a page over the intercom for the longest time. Every time I would try to page the flippin’ phone would ring off the hook. Then I would hang up the page and go to answer the phone and it would then stop ringing. Finally, after a couple of times and many swear words it dawned on me that I was calling myself. There it is. I was calling myself and getting angry for hanging up before I could answer myself. At that moment I felt pretty dumb and realized that yes, I am nothing more than eyecandy at the front desk. Alli was at my desk when it happened the final time. I thought she was going to double over from laughing. It was beyond stupid.

Second, I completely and totally wiped out at my desk. I was in my chair over by the postage machine and I bent over to pick some paper up off the floor. My desk chair has wheels and flew out from under me and soared across the lobby. In my mind it felt like it was in slow motion. Now I am a big guy, so the reality of it was that I fell fast and furious. I freakin’ crashed hard. I think I dented the wood floor. I landed on my rear end and my elbow (which hurts like crazy). So I was sprawled out on the floor thinking what the hell just happened? Did the building collapse? Was it a terrorist attack? Did I finally die? Then I realized that I was lying on the floor in the lobby behind my desk and that I should probably get up before anyone comes through. The funniest part was the fact that once I crawled up off the floor I had to walk, yes walk, over to my chair. It landed that far from me. The chair was completely upside down with the it’s wheels spinning in the air. Just as I was getting to the chair one of my co-workers walked past, looked at the chair and then looked at me and said “Are you ok, buddy?”. Without even looking at him I just said “Keep walking.” and then went back to picking up my chair.

Now my body hurts. Everything is popping and cracking. Ouch. Only 15 more minutes until I can finally go home.

seventeen years

a friendship of 17 years
is rare in the world today
half my life
known by him
literally
only three lay claim to that title
of seventeen years
soon it will be two
i fear

now we are at a
crossroads
him and i
do we stay
and fix it once and for all
or simply walk away
and let it go once and for all
one way or another
from this point
it will not be the same
north east south or west
who knows the direction the wind will blow
i’m sorry or goodbye
hangs in the balance
friendships can be very fragile

not that it will be
simple
to walk away
it’s not easy to say goodbye
to someone who means so much
but sometimes you
need to do what you need to do
to be ok

but

to fix it
will not be simple
either
it will take work
and the willingness to risk being wronged
but sadly in the end
this
could all be in vain

an emotional coin toss

walk away now
or stay
and hope it’s not just a delay
of what you fear is inevitable

seventeen years
of
laughter and tears
sorrow and joy
fights and celebrations

seventeen years
of
milestones
confessions
coming out

seventeen years
of
life

you’ve been there through it all
you have seen the best of me
and the worst
and i of you as well
and most tragic of all
in the end i always thought it would be you

the damage done…

a call in the middle of the night
years ago
that i just can’t leave in the past
trust me i’ve tried and failed
but certain words i’ll carry with me forever
i cringe when touched
because of your careless actions

two years ago
in the darkest hours of my life
burying my mom
you were not there
you couldn’t be…not your fault
truthfully
my brain knows that
but my heart does not
it’s not ok and will never be
no way to ever right the wrong

no villain no hero
in this story
just two people
with a tragic combination of
too much said
and
too little said

insecure and insignificant
you make me
feel
i told you

your response = silence
just made it worse

attempts to talk
one done
two done
last chance
three strikes and you’re out
just rules of the game that you said this was
right?

seventeen long years
will there be an 18?

i honestly don’t know.

In The End, We Are All The Same.

I did go to the reunion after all. I figured that if nothing else I might get some new material for my next stand up comedy show. On my way to Little Falls I called my friend Nicole to make sure she was there and to feel out the situation. If Nicole wasn’t there, I would have skipped it for sure. I wanted to brace myself for the worst. Well, as it turns out she was there and she said it was relatively calm. Nicole and I were great friends in school, but we also moved in different circles. She was much, much more popular than I was. So her friends weren’t my friends at all. But, I did want to see her, so if nothing else, that would be worth the trip alone. She said was it was good, and it was. I ended up having a great time. Who would have thought?

Once inside I was shocked to find how everyone seemed so grown up and regular. There was no fighting, no snarky remarks being made, no drama over who did what, no separation of people into their usual cliques. Nothing. Just a room full of adults catching up about the years gone by. It was surreal for being so ordinary. People seemed genuinely interested in how others were doing, even if they had never been friends before. I spent most of the night talking to people that at our graduation had I been told I would eventually talk to, I would have died laughing. Honestly, it was like talking to distant relatives. You have a connection, but no real ties that bind. 99 percent of my friends were the class above or the class behind mine, so I had nothing to really talk about as far as the good old days, it was all just conversation about currents events in our lives. It was interesting to say the least to see how people ended up. We all have gone through the same things. Work, school, hopes, dreams, life and death.

The ten year reunion was a train wreck. Clearly enough years had not passed to let go of all the baggage and drama. But, at 15 years people finally grew up and just let it go. Unexpectedly it wasn’t really all that important anymore to see the class jock be fat and bald or to hear that the most popular girl of the class is now beyond miserable and broke and living a horrible life. In some strange way it helped me to go and see my former classmates again after all these years. I feel like a lot of the negativity of high school that I have been holding onto was let go of by the end of the night. What good has it done me? None. Just unnecessary stress in the end. Now, don’t get me wrong, it’s not like we are all life long friends or anything. That’s certainly not the case. I really have no intention of seeing them again until the next reunion. But, I don’t view them with such disgust and contempt as I once did. People and events are seen from a much different perspective now. The power they had to make me feel a certain way is gone. They are just people, really no different from me. No better, no worse. I guess everyone has matured, myself included.

Truth be told, I am kind of looking forward to the 20 year reunion. Thinking about it is weird. I will almost be 40. F-O-R-T-Y! I have 5 years to get skinny.

“Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion” this was not. Real life is nothing like the movies. And that is ok.

The Years Go By...

Tonight is my 15 year class reunion. I cannot believe I just typed those words. Little Falls Community High School Class of 1992. Go Flyers! Where did the time go? 15 years ago I was wearing a purple graduation cap and gown. I was sitting in the middle of the Flyer Field on a really hot day listening to some speakers give advice on how to live the rest of our lives. I don’t remember a word they said. Clearly they were captivating speakers who deeply influenced my future. On one hand it feels like yesterday, on the other if feels like ten lifetimes ago.

So I am totally and completely sitting on the fence about attending. I don’t have overly fond memories of high school. It wasn’t terrible, but it wasn’t great either. I am not one of those people who looks back at those years and thing they were the best of my entire life. But, I am also not one of those people that has yearbook photos with pins sticking out of people’s eyes (although I should be). Truth be told, most of my friends are either a year older or a year younger than me. I don’t know most of my classmates. I stopped by our 10 year reunion and I was shocked to see just how few names of people I did remember. I was lost in a sea of strangers. I only stayed for half an hour.

Do I go?

Do I skip it?

Tough call. On one hand I do want to see how people turned out. Who got fat? Who got skinny? Who is miserable? Who is happy? Who got married? Who is divorced? Who is a raging tramp? Who found Jesus? Who is an exotic dancer at the strip club down the highway? Who’s been in jail or prison? So many questions that do beg to be answered.

15 years. Cripes.

Day 10 – Minneapolis. Sunday, July 15th, 2007. The End.

The morning got off to a rocky start as I was extremely overtired and still not feeling well. Becca and Tyler just kept nitpicking at me and it was making me crazy. At one point in the chaos of getting out of the hotel I just looked at them and said “Seriously, leave me alone. You two are making me %$#&*!@ crazy.” That didn’t go over well. Truthfully I was about to have a fit of epic proportions. I don’t know why people just don’t leave me along when I’m in a bad mood. It always goes like this. Pick, pick, pick, and explode. Damn. It worked though, they left me alone to slowly ease into the day despite the chaos. At the airport we slowly started talking again and it was fine. That’s the one benefit with friends that you have known so long…you have a spat, you get over it quickly, life goes on.

The plane ride seemed to take forever! I get really antsy on planes. Not scared or anything, I just want off. I start to get really buggy knowing that I am stuck in the place. The same thing happens when I am in a car for a really long time (just ask Becca about our road trip to Chicago to see Madonna).Once we finally landed in Minneapolis I realized that the vacation of a lifetime has come to it’s conclusion.

It’s over.

Day 9 – New York City. Saturday, July 14th, 2007.

I fell asleep for a little while only to be woken up by a loud overhead announcement saying that it was time to disembark the ship. WTF? I could not believe it. It was like a freakin’ nightmare. I just wanted to sleep. Not to mention the fact that I was still flipping drunk. No real warning, no nothing. Just a quick everyone…get off the ship. We completely missed sailing back into New York City, missed docking and everything. After a few frantic minutes of scrambling and being yelled at by Tyler, we were walking down the ramp off the ship for the last time. I just kept thinking to myself “please God, don’t let me puke.” The heat was terrible and the humidity was worse. The city smelled nasty. I just wanted to fall over and die. It was horrendous. As we were just about to exit the terminal we crossed paths with Alec Mapa and it was nice to be able to say goodbye. He’s a great guy and I look forward to seeing him on “Ugly Betty” this fall (tune in everyone!). The roar of the city made me cringe. New York City is last place on Earth that you want to be when you are hung-over.

Tyler and Becca went to get “Wicked” tickets and I crashed in the lobby of the hotel. And by crashed, I mean passed out. It was terrible. I just remember waking up later on and seeing Becca and Tyler sitting by me talking. Hummm. The took a photo of it. Great friends, huh?

So they went to “Wicked” because Tyler won the ticket lottery and they only sell pairs of tickets. I had already seen the show, so I had no problem skipping it and crashing in the hotel room. I was not only a weird combination of drunk and hung-over, but I was also nauseous beyond explanation. I kept feeling like I was going to tip over and that the floor was rocking. I had zero problems on the ship, but now that I was back on dry land I was screwed. I found myself constantly rocking when I would sit, while walking down the hall I would crash into the wall, and when standing still I would need to grab on to something solid to keep upright. It was the craziest sensation ever. I suppose that it was what people with vertigo must feel like. It was nasty. I feel bad now for laughing when Kristin would have her vertigo episodes and need to cling to the office furniture because she was going down for the count. Not so funny anymore. To all you people courageously living with vertigo…I feel your pain…grab on and hold tight!

Now for dinner I was a little crabby, I will admit. We kept debating on where to eat. Becca and Tyler are two of the most indecisive people in the world. Sometimes I get tired of always running the show, so I flat out refused to offer any suggestions. We ended up going to some Thai food restaurant for dinner. I just had a bowl of plain white rice. One reason being that I was still sick beyond description and the second being that I hate Thai food. Me hating Thai food is clearly a concept that is still lost on my friends after 17 and 11 years of friendship. I sometimes really do wonder if any of my friends truly know me at all. Now, I could have said no way. I understand that. But, I was so annoyed for them even suggesting it that I took a passive-aggressive route. So I sat through dinner in stony silence and tried to keep from throwing up and going ballistic on my friends. I just get so tired of having to go over the same things with people over and over and over. I have not had chicken since 1990 when we had to discrete chicken wings in science class. Completely and totally gross. Ruined chicken for me for the rest of my life. I have not had chicken in 17 years. I don’t make an issue of it at meals. I just pass on the chicken when it makes it’s way around the table. My dad is still shocked every time I don’t take chicken and asks me when did I stop eating it. 17 years ago, Dad…17 years ago. So the fact that we are at a Thai food restaurant to begin with just made me bonkers.

On the way back to the hotel I said that I wanted to pack up all my stuff but Becca said she wanted to do some shopping and walk around a little bit. I prefer New York City at night. It’s a lot cooler and more fun. So we parted ways and did our own thing. Tyler went with Becca which I was happy about. Once they got back to the hotel I bailed and hit the city on my own. After 9 days I finally hit my breaking point. I didn’t want to talk to them anymore. I didn’t want to look at them anymore. I didn’t want to hear them anymore. I just wanted to be left alone. 8 days just fine with no real problems. 9 days turned out to be one day too many. So I walked up and down the streets, did some shopping, found some new cd’s, and went to Carnegie Deli. Carnegie Deli was one of my mom’s favorite spots in New York City. I think she loved their cheesecake more than she loved me. Seriously. I have this great picture of her from when she went to see my sister and they went to Carnegie Deli. I never got the chance to go there with her (my sister took the picture, not me). Sometimes people are gone before you get the chance to do or say everything you want to. I didn’t anticipate getting upset by being at Carnegie Deli, but I was wrong and it caught me off guard. I miss my mom a great deal and I now fully understand that, unfortunately, it’s a wound that will never heal. I just sat there, ate my sandwich and giant slice of cheesecake and then walked back to the hotel.

At the hotel I was in no mood to talk. I had hoped that they would have been sleeping, but they were watching a movie. So I just quickly showered and went to bed. I was more than ready to be home at that point. It’s been a great trip and I wouldn’t trade a second of it, but once I stepped off the boat, I just wanted to be home.

Sharon Glese and Me!

Day 8 – At sea. Friday, July 13th, 2007. PICTURES.

Judy Gold and me.

Esra and me.

Euan Morton and me.

Day 8 – At sea. Friday, July 13th, 2007. PICTURES.

The Voice Over Class - Becca and Bob.

Susan and me!

Dinner with friends. Becca, me, Tyler, Ross, Gaye, Bob, Scott.

Day 8 – At sea. Friday, July 13th, 2007.

It’s the last full day on the ship and I am blown away by how quickly the week has gone. I am also a little delirious from getting about a total of 5 hours of sleep this whole week. I think the only thing that kept me going and prevented me from having a total fit was the fact that this was a trip of a lifetime and I was convinced that I was going to have a good time, come hell or high water.

After breakfast we went to the voice over class that Bob Bergen was teaching. Bob is the voice of Porky the Pig and other characters such as Tweety and Marvin the Martian. We had met Bob at Alec Mapa’s stand up comedy show and he’s a really great guy. Becca got up and did a hilarious voice as one of the cartoon characters. I don’t remember the name, but she was this sort of German / Austrian maid for this little monster kid. She really rocked it out. It was hysterical. Becca is great at doing funny voices and could seriously have a career doing voice-over work if she wanted to. Bob was pretty impressed with her and she was the hit of the class. Ross joined us for the class for a little bit but he sadly missed Becca’s performance. After class we ran into Susan Powter. I asked her if I could get a picture with her. She looked at me and said “I’d be offended if you didn’t.” So we took the photo. Scary. Honestly I think Susan had a little bit of a crush on me. I think she looked at me as her greatest test ever and she was definitely up to the challenge.

We headed to lunch and all hung out for a little while longer. After lunch, we all made plans to have a final dinner together that night at the Venation and then to go and see the final show “Annie the Concert” starring Andrea McArdle as Annie and Rosie as Miss Hannigan. On our way back to the room we hit the chocolate buffet. I have never seen so much chocolate in my entire life. Cake after cake after cake. Chocolate everywhere. It was crazy. It was decadent. It was heaven. Looking back I am shocked that I did not gain weight on this trip. Some how I never gained a pound. Insane. It must have been the yoga.

We (Becca, Tyler, Scott, Bob, Ross, his mom, and I) all met at the Venation and dinner was a riot. The food was good and the conversation was great. Many laughs were shared and it was so nice to just sit and talk and enjoy everyone’s crazy stories. I honestly don’t do that enough in real life. I need to find the time to reconnect with people and just be with them and not have to be doing anything big or insane. A simple conversation can go a long way in a friendship. Everyone ordered a great dessert, but Ross ended up getting one of the worst tasting and looking desserts I have ever seen in my life. Ross passed it around so everyone could share in the disappointment. Misery does love company.

After dinner we left to ready for the evening show and met later at the doors and waited in line. We shot up to the balcony to get some great seats for the show. “Annie the Concert” was unbelievable. It was incredible. To see Andrea reprise the role that made her a star was phenomenal and Rosie brought the house down as Miss Hannigan. A roaring standing ovation from the audience closed the show. As the lights stayed dark a screen was lowered and we were treated to a home movie that Rosie had made of the trip. It was a wonderful recap on a week of amazing memories and it started to sink in that the cruise was coming to an end.

We decided to visit one of our familiar haunts…yes, you guessed it, the Dazzles Lounge for karaoke. We spent the night laughing at Ed and his obsession over the XM Radio 70’s station. Ross sang “That’s What Friends Are For”, Becca hit the mic with “Brandy”, and Tyler rocked out Nsync’s “Bye Bye Bye”. I got up and joined Ed and his family on a rousing rendition of “Sugar, Sugar”. Ok, I lip-synced…but whatever. Don’t judge me, I’m not a singer nor do I pretend to be one. After hours of karaoke, we hit the piano bar and caught some improvised songs by Andrea McArdle and the other Broadway performers. After more drinks at the piano bar we headed up to Spinnaker’s Lounge. Now, at this point, I clearly had too much to drink. Did anyone cut me off? Oh no…because a drunk Jason is a fun Jason, right? Ugh. There are things I remember. There are things I don’t remember. There are things I wish I didn’t remember. And, most importantly there are things I pray that no one remembers. Now I’m not a sloppy drunk or anything. I am just a smartass drunk and I completely mess with people. After hours of drinking Tyler wanted to crash but I was still ready to rock the night. I walked with him back to the room and along the way I sang “And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going” from the musical “Dreamgirls”. Yes, nothing is sexier then seeing a drunk, overweight, white guy singing the strong black woman anthem of all time. Some people did think Jennifer Hudson was on board and were shocked to see that it was just me. I also stopped to do some impressive dance shows for the security cameras. I am just waiting to see the footage of that pop up on youtube. Tick tock…the clock is ticking, it’s just a matter of time. Ugh.

After trying to wake up Becca and get her to come and party (which was useless. It was like trying to wake a bear up from hibernation.) I ventured out on my own after making a promise to her and Tyler to stay away from the railings on the promenade. Could you imagine? Schommer overboard! Well, I decided to go and write some emails. Some people are drunk dialers, I am a drunk emailer.

While sending drunken emails (sorry if you got one), this woman races past me in a rage. I yelled out to her to see what her problem was. Apparently she was with Sharon Glese and Sharon was having some computer problems and they weren’t getting resolved. The front desk was telling her that there was no computers working on the ship at that time and that there was no way for her to get into her email account. I looked at the woman and told her that I was in my email account and that my computer was just fine. That set her off even more. I then told her that if Sharon wanted to, she could come and use my computer account. She disappeared in flurry of motion and I went back to emailing. Next thing I know I see Sharon Glese hauling ass towards me. I had flashbacks to “Cagney and Lacey” when Cagney was making a bust. A sight I never thought I would see in real life. But, clearly this was the ship of dreams that come true. I got up and talked to her and told her how much I enjoyed her shows and then I helped her get into her email account. All the while, mind you, I am hammered. HAMMERED. Sharon then told me that she is on the new show “Burn Notice” and that she plays a supporting character of the crazy mother. I offered to write angry letters to the producers to get her more screen time. She encouraged me to do so. Then none of the pens would work because the tabletops were an odd texture. Sharon kept saying the tabletops were like cobblestone and she was upset because she needed to write down the phone number of the creators of “Queer as Folk” for their lunch meeting the next day. The only pen I could find was attached to a giant prize entry form box, so I just grabbed it and hauled the whole thing over to her. She just laughed but was happy to finally have a pen that worked. I had my picture taken with her and she hugged me and thanked me for helping her out and said that I was her saving grace. Sweet, huh?

Eventually I wandered back to the cabin. I remember looking out the window and seeing the sun coming up over the ocean and I thinking to myself “I am screwed. Today is going to suck big time.”

Day 7 – At Sea. Thursday, July 12th, 2007.

Daybreak came in a hurry. Nothing major planned for the day other than just some rest, relaxation and some shows. We got up and headed down to breakfast. Tyler was pretty quiet. I think he was suffering from too many drinks the night before. I spent the morning trying to dodge Susan Powter. I was afraid that she would drag me back to her yoga class. Susan means business, no two ways about it. She’s crazy, but I love her.

After breakfast we just strolled around the promenade and explored more of the ship. Now, there had been an engine problem so the ship was moving really, really, really slow. And by slow I mean not moving, just kind of floating. They had to cancel a half day at the island so we could get back to New York City on time. They never disclosed what the problem was. But, I will flat out deny having had anything to do with it. Any video footage of me sneaking out of the engine room with a toolbox and a bag of parts is clearly doctored and inaccurate. Personally I had no problem with the slowing of the ship. I could stay on that ship forever and be as happy as a clam (well, if I had Isabella with me, I would have been.). But, Becca on the other hand started to slip into panic mode. Becca’s favorite station on the TV was the ship’s stats station. All ship stats all day long. Ship’s speed, wind rate, swell height, and water temperature over footage from a camera looking out over the water. 24/7. Over and over and over. Never mind the fact that we are inches from the window in our room, we need to watch the water on TV. I thought I was going to lose my mind. When Becca slips into panic mode the only way to break her out of it is by slipping some pills into her drink without her knowing it. Unfortunately I didn’t have any pills to slip her, but had I been thinking clearly I would have snatched a bunch of Tyler’s Dramamine and just knocked her out for a little bit.

Later that afternoon, after yet another failed attempt at a nap, we headed down to the theatre to watch Judy Gold’s one woman show “25 Questions for a Jewish Mother”. It was amazing! If you ever get the chance to see it, go do it. Judy was a producer on “The Rosie O’Donnell Show” when I worked there years ago. She remembered me, so that was good. I didn’t feel like a crazed stalker. It was good to see her and we chatted a little bit about being stand up comics. She gave me some great advice, which I was thankful for. Now I just gotta put it into motion.

After spending the day eating, roaming around, and eating some more we went to the evening stand up comedy show by Jessica Kirson. I’m a big fan of her. I first saw her on Last Comic Standing and I rooted for her to win, but she didn’t. Which, in hindsight, is fine…no one that wins on that show really goes on to great things. Anyone even remember Dat Phan, the season 1 winner? Nope. Didn’t think you did. It’s usually the ones that lose on the show that have careers that explode. Jessica was out-of-this-world funny.

Once again we hit Dazzles Lounge and rocked the karaoke. The usual suspects were there. Ross, his mom, Ed, Trish, Tom and the rest of the gang. While Ross was singing he was accosted by a drunk girl. He was just standing there singing his little heart out and all of a sudden out of nowhere this drunk girl appeared and starts to dance around him and try to grind on him. He kept her at bay for awhile and then she wondered off. The sweet life of being a celebrity. You get attacked by drunk women at karaoke. The perks never end, I guess. After karaoke Becca turned in for the night. Becca’s wild nightlife usually ends around 10:30 PM or 11 PM if she is feeling especially crazy. So, the rest of us went down to the casino. Ross introduced me to Jessica and we spoke briefly about Last Comic Standing and about stand up comedy. She was hardcore into her card game (I think she was winning), so I didn’t want to bother her too much, and God forbid, cause her to lose. Then I looked over and saw Euan sitting at one of the other tables playing cards. Becca totally missed out. She has a little bit of a crush on him. And by “little” I really mean psycho crazy stalker fan crush. Too bad he doesn’t play for her team. But, hey…you snooze you lose…right? While she was dreaming of him, I was walking past him in real life.

Once things wrapped up at the casino we headed down to the Blue Lagoon to grab some chow. Jessica Kirson had the table in hysterics by calling every worker she saw Susan. I have no idea why she did it, but it was hilarious. “Excuse me, Susan. Can we order?”, “Umm, Susan. Can we get some more chicken strips?”, “Susan, we need another fork.” Funny stuff. Trust me. Ahh, good times.

After eating the 17th meal of the day we headed back to the cabin for yet one more attempt at rest. As I was walking I thought maybe tonight will be different and I will get some sleep. A boy can hope, right?

Rosie, Ross and Me! Day 6 – Great Stirrup Cay, Bahamas. Wednesday, July 11th, 2007.

I love Rosie. I really truly do. She is the real deal and I am proud to be a fan of her's.