New Year's Day 2012

"My new years resolution: Never be afraid to be kicked in the teeth. Let the blood and the bruises define your legacy. - Lady Gaga 2012"

This is the year that I vow to be fearless in all that do. Here we go 2012. It is time to make things happen. And the journey begins in 5...4...3...2...1...

all i ever wanted

2:11 am
alone in a hotel room
two thousand miles from home
home
minnesota las vegas
my nomadic life begins with a heart deeply rooted in the past

a dream come true
a break of a lifetime
beyond grateful
melancholy
knowing you can’t go home again.

everything comes with a price
for every dream a pound of flesh
a piece of your soul
how much is one willing to pay
to get all they have ever wanted

making people laugh
while you struggle to find the comedy within
sadness comes like a wave
washing over you as you leave the stage
wanting the most what cannot be

rochester new york
i like this place
familiar in so many ways
it is the closest to home
that I have been
since I left

My Holiday Letter 2009.

December 2009

Dear __________________ (insert your name here),

Season’s Greetings!

Well, I suppose I should start by acknowledging the elephant in the room and be done with it. As you can see, I’m not famous yet. My plan of “appearing on a reality talent show and wowing the audience with my singing (after being cruelly mocked by the judges) and then selling over 700,000 copies of my debut album in its first week of release” didn’t quite pan out. Susan Boyle beat me to the punch. Whatever Susan…you’re not the only one who can dream a dream. On to Plan B, which involves alcohol and a sex tape. *sigh*

As usual, employment at Clear Channel is interesting. I spend most of my day at work eating snacks, calling family long distance, talking smack about co-workers, and surfing the internet. It’s amazing how quickly I can click out of a Madonna fan website and into a spreadsheet in Excel when the boss passes by. Fingers of fire! Fortunately management is clueless. They don’t even realize that I don’t use Excel in my job duties as receptionist. Also, many of my co-workers refer to me as “eye-candy” which is inappropriate, but tolerable since they just look but don’t touch. A lot of crazy celebrities drifted through the office over the past 12 months including Lady GaGa (“Bad Romance” was written about our tryst.), Katy Perry (She referred to me as her “tiny dancer”. Oh Katy, you are so hot and cold.), Mat Kearny (No comment due to a restraining order.), Fall Out Boy (STD’s on legs.), Snow Patrol (Not as boring in person as their songs would lead you to believe.) among others (Big Kenny, John Rich, Kellie Pickler, Ludacris, Cobbie Caillet, Rob Thomas, The Fray, Adele, Jonas Bros.). So many restraining orders, so little time. Truth be told, 2009 wasn’t as star studded as previous years when we had Dolly Parton, Jewel, Jessica Simpson, Trisha Yearwood, Sugarland, P. Diddy, Simon LeBon, and the truly “friendly” Susan Vega (not really nice at all) come through. I guess the recession is hurting us all.

In an effort to become healthier in 2009, I made a real effort to lose some weight. I ended up losing 41 pounds. But then disaster struck and I tore a tendon in my right foot. Good thing I love to self-medicate. It’s amazing how many pills you can get for a Game Boy over at the elementary school. Those fifth graders sure like to wheel and deal. But, unfortunately, some of the weight has crept back on since the injury still has not healed. Life…one step forward, two steps back. Or should I say…Life…one trip forward, two limps back. Now, some of you may, or may not know, I’m a vegetarian. It’s challenging most days, since I don’t like vegetables and I’d rather have my limbs gnawed off my rabid hamsters than eat a salad. I’m more of a dairytarian. I like milk. I also enjoy cheese, ice cream, cottage cheese, ice cream, and cheese. I tried eating a salad in 2009 and my body revolted and panicked. Despite what I was telling myself, my body was convinced I was trying to commit suicide. While I didn’t die, I did feel much pain for about a week. My body is now suspicious of everything I eat. Once trust is destroyed, it’s hard to repair. Can I get an Amen up in here? Every time I see a lettuce leaf, I have terrible flashbacks like a Vietnam Vet from fighting in the war. I often find myself on the floor in the fetal position, shaking, sweaty, and yelling “Never again!” when I pass through the produce department at Cub Foods.

Another major accomplishment in 2009 was changing the break lights on my Ford Focus by myself (my dad was on the phone). I’m now thinking of opening my own auto-body shop. I think that “J’s Auto-Body Shop” has a unique and charming ring to it and I do look quite dashing in a pair of greasy overalls. Please don’t ask how I know this, just trust me that I do…it’s better this way.

In October I had a triumphant return to my hometown with my stand up comedy show “No Holds Barred”. We packed the room, had great laughs, and I saw many old friends again. But, the evening was not without controversy. An elderly couple got up and walked out about 15 minutes into the show. My guess is that they were disappointed that I was not one of the many acoustic musicians that normally play in that venue. The elderly couple probably realized that they were in trouble when they didn’t see a giant harp or a woman in a dirty hippie dress doing aboriginal throat singing. Or maybe they were mad that there was no Bingo tournament, meat raffle, or karaoke (all very popular up North). But, in any case, I clearly blame them. It’s no secret that everyone loves me, so I highly doubt it was my joke about running into a former classmate who is now a bi-sexual Pagan Wiccan Priestess at Coborn’s Supermarket. Last time I had seen her was at the St. Mary Church Youth Group meeting. So truth be told, the encounter at Coborn’s surprised me a great deal, and well, frankly, probably made Baby Jesus cry too.

In other awkward news, my six year old niece, Isabella, keeps asking me why I don’t have a girlfriend. She doesn’t connect the dots yet as to why I’m the “fun” uncle who likes to buy her Barbies, take her to “Mamma Mia”, and dance with her in the front row at the Miley Cyrus concert. If you aren’t able to connect the dots after reading that sentence either, just know that I’m very much in love with a special lady that I met online who lives in Canada. Miguel, my 18 month old nephew, loves to dance to Beyonce. I have a feeling we will have a lot in common down the road. All the single babies…put your hands up!

No official comment on the rest of the family. They have banned me from speaking about them publicly after my last stand up comedy show in Little Falls. The family took issue with me telling the world about some of their rather stupid blunders such as the time my dad electrocuted himself, or Melissa’s epic holiday meltdown the other year, and Jeremy’s infamous brush with the law (let’s just say the law won). Just know that they are mostly well.

Upon examining my life, I’ve come to the conclusion that I lead a very strange existence. I have decided to collect all the stories of my life over the years and commit them to paper. I’m sure most of you will stop speaking to me once this project is finished since I think changing names and events to protect the guilty is tacky. Be warned, I will name names proudly. Thus, at this time in 2010, I predict I will be rather lonely. Such is the price one pays in the quest for fame. But, I’m sure we will reconnect down the road when most of you resurface while I’m living large in Hollywood and you are suing me for all I’m worth.

In closing, I think 2009 can be summed up best by a lyric from Britney Spear’s colossal hit CIRCUS, “I’m like a firecracker, I make it hot.”

Wishing you all the best. From my heart to yours…Happy Holidays! And, yes, just so you know…everything in this letter is true. Every word.

Jason

sometime around midnight

and it starts
sometime around midnight
or at least that’s when
you lose yourself
for a minute or two

at target
two little girls running
beyond excited
wearing brand new backpacks
excited for school in the fall

one girl
hardly bigger than her backpack
glowing
her sister
thrilled

i miss my youth
life was black and white
right and wrong
yes and no
now life is
gray
morally
emotionally
a line drawn and crossed
if i knew then what i know now….

i’ve been trying to lose weight
down a total of 41 pounds so far
fell off the wagon the past two weeks
still falling
food is a false comfort

tensions rampant
stress from every angle
drowning man without a life preserver

ruby
on style network
a real reality star – contradiction of terms
her goal is to get under 350 pounds
as she shrinks her soul
she radiates life

ruby says
“I thought maybe…just maybe someone could love me for me.”
my heart hopes for the same thing
i turn thirty-five in a few days
still hoping….

tomorrow i will
face the damage
inflicted upon myself
yet again
the scale never lies

i will try to forgive
and try again
one step forward
three stumbles backwards
and maybe along the way finally learn to love myself

mat kearney
a musical hero of mine
whom i have met three times now
i requested a song
he sang it
jewel did the same
“Thump Thump” in concert
my life is surreal in every sense of the word

how can i be so high
and so low
so happy
and so sad
at the same time?
there is no middle ground
i am a creature of extremes
always have been

a college professor once said to me…
“The dichotomy of your life is amazing. One day you are face down in a swamp. The next day you are in New York working for Rosie O’Donnell”

those words will stay with me for a lifetime

and you walk
under the streetlights
and your too drunk to notice
that everyone is staring at you
you don’t care what you look like
the world is falling
around you

I "heart" Katy Perry

So “Hot N Cold” is one of the best pop songs ever written. I want it played at my funeral along with Madonna’s “Like A Prayer”. No lie.

Katy Perry was in our studio yesterday to do a special promotional event for KDWB and I was lucky enough to attend. She sang four songs…”Waking Up In Vegas”, “Hot N Cold”, “Thinking of You”, and “Mannequin”. If you know me, you know that “Hot N Cold” is one of my all time favorite songs ever. I dance like crazy to it. If a doctor saw me, I would probably be committed to an insane asylum or something. I can’t help myself. I dance to it all the time at work. Sometimes I even have a dance party with a few co-workers.

So I find a spot in the performance room with some of my friends and I’m in the back corner and it’s really dark. Katy starts to sing “Hot N Cold”. I held it together for about three measures and then I lost it. I danced like a crazy mofo. It was dark. No one was behind me. I was in the corner. I couldn’t help myself. I danced, and danced, and danced. Katy kept looking over and I figured that she was looking at the people down in the chairs ahead of us because it was so dark. I don’t care…I’m having the time of my life.

After the performance and interview they announce that there will be a quick meet and greet and photos. Everyone lines up to meet Katy. So I walk up to Katy and Allison (the record label rep) introduces me as “This is Jason, he works here and he is also a comedian.” Katy looks at me and says “Oh cool. Nice to meet you. You were the one dancing in the back!” Unreal. I didn’t think she could see me because it was so dark and I was in the back corner. I was wrong. She saw me. Then Katy looks at me and says “You really liked the “Hot N Cold” song”.

And this is how the rest of our meeting went…

JASON: Ah yeah. It’s one of my all time favorites. My heart grew three times while you sang it.

KATY: Your heart?

JASON: Yes, my heart.

KATY: This heart? (She puts her hand on my chest over my heart.)

JASON: That would be the one.

KATY: Oh you are so sweet.

JASON: Thank you for doing the show.

KATY: You’re welcome.

We take the picture.

Now…I also had her CD with me for her to hopefully autograph. So I waited until everyone had done their pictures and whatnot with her. Allison comes over and asks if I have the CD and then Katy walks over and just starts talking. I tell Katy that I was at her showcase here at KDWB a year ago before the album dropped and that it must have been a really crazy year for her. So we talk a little bit about everything that has happened in the past year. Then I asked if she would sign my CD. She said of course she would. So Allison hands her my CD and while we are chatting Katy autographs my CD with “To My Tiny Dancer Jason! Nice to see you again! Love, Katy Perry”. Ok, seriously…how insanely awesome is that? That’s wild! So I say good bye and return to my desk.

A little while later I was helping a confused winner (They are always confused. I love it when they come in for tickets for a band that’s not even on freakin’ tour.) and Katy Perry walks up behind me. Now, I had been talking to the winner for so long that I hadn’t been using my computer so it was on the screen saver picture of Kathy Griffin and me. Yes, I totally have pictures of famous people as my computer screen saver photos. Let’s face it…famous people are just better than the rest of us. Anyways…Katy sees the picture and says…

KATY: Is that Kathy Griffin?

JASON: Yes, it is.

KATY: Kathy Griffin? From the DList?

JASON: Sure is.

KATY: No way! I love her. I love the DList.

JASON: Me too!

KATY: That’s so cool.

JASON: Well, now the picture of us is going to have to be the next screen saver.

KATY: Shut up!

JASON: I’m serious! And, Katy, it’s a pretty big deal. There have only been three people who have been screen savers before. They were Katy Griffin, Simon LeBon, Dolly Parton. And now you.

KATY: Umm…I have a Dolly Parton drag queen in my new video. Big titties.

JASON: For “Waking Up In Vegas”? I’m so going to watch for it.

KATY: Oh thank you!

JASON: No problem.

KATY: It was Jason, right?

JASON: Ah, you remembered! Clearly we are BFF’s.

KATY: Yes…for forever and a day! Bye!

JASON: Bye!

And then she left. I love my life sometimes. Katy was amazing…so down to Earth and sincere. If you ever get a chance to see her perform, don’t pass it up or you will regret it. No doubt about that.

By the way, all my co-workers saw me dancing like crazy. I guess they were pointing me out to each other. Oh, I was blissfully unaware that anyone could even see me. So dumb. I am such a nerd. Unreal.

more than a dream - pet shop boys

driving through the night
just you and me
faster than the pale moonlight
something is calling
calling us away
do you believe
heaven is a better place
we'll be there in a heartbeat

Updates Coming!

Updates for the blog are coming! Great stories of Jewel, Indigo Girls, Katy Perry are on the way! As well as some fun stand up comedy adventures and more.

Life has been crazy busy but I'm working on getting everything updated in the next day or two. So please check back soon!

2009

Happy New Year Bitches!

Happy Holidays! Isabella and Miguel meet Santa.

All is fine.
Miguel grows suspicious.

Miguel loses his mind.

Santa goes numb and Isabella is ready for her close up.

Merry Christmas!

Isabella and Santa on Christmas Eve

Will Smith Photos

On December 12, Will Smith was in the studios doing some promotion for his new movie "Seven Pounds". People went apeshit crazy. I haven't seen people lose it like this since I worked at The Rosie O'Donnell Show. Insane. Here are some crowd shots from the lobby of the building.

Am I A Chosen One?

On December 5th, I was eating lunch and had a "low-fat, low-calorie, doesn't really taste like anything pudding cup" for dessert. I put the pudding cup down after eating all it's not-so-delicious contents and I was shocked to see a face staring back at me. Some pudding stuck to the lid and made a face. Clearly, it's a sign. FREAKY! I feel bad for the person who found the Virgin Mary in their grilled cheese and was mocked for it. I swear if I find the face of Jesus in my cottage cheese I will lose it. I am too lazy to be a messenger for the Lord. Then to make things worse, as I was showing everyone the pudding started to melt a little bit and ended up looking like The Joker from "The Dark Knight". Sinister, indeed. A sign from above or below? You decide.

pilgrim

cross the threshold
pilgrim on a journey

the promise
of a new day
stirs the soul
the spirit
awakens

change
difficult at best
crucial
to grow

we all have crosses to carry
the sins of the past
the uncertainty of the future
the doubt of the present
one same as many

those before you
blazed the trail
reap the rewards
of their war
all
their losses
their victories
their wounds
their scars
for you

those behind you
unmet
unknown
unaware
will thank you
when the day breaks
as they begin for themselves
the journey
you are now on
whether you know it or not

the masses will praise you
on a new day

some day

no map
no compass
no star
to guide
your way

only your soul
knows the path
the heart and the brain
wage an eternal war
of what it wants
of what is real
of what it will deny
in the end
the heart will prevail
truth
sets us all free

stumble
fall
cry
rise
over and over and over
find your way

you are not alone
no man is an island
even in the darkness
when all you see
is
loss
misery
pain

others are here
waiting
when the light comes
you will see
you
were
never
alone

see me
hear me
feel me
believe me
trust me

i am here

gather your courage
pin it to your heart
muster your strength
pulse through your body
breathe
leap
soar

daybreak
the darkness
retreats

you are loved

jump

seasons change
winter spring summer fall
back to winter again
the clock ticks
relentless
unforgiving

first snowfall of the season
daybreak covered in white
not unexpected
but always a surprise

a melancholy of sorts
invades the soul

life not from the movies
or tv
false dreams sold with a laugh track
and applause
of how it should be
not how it is

always dreamed of the
gatherings
celebrations
festivities
of the perfect life
a life well lived

surrounded by people
evidence you are loved

a ship at sea
lost
floating
drifting
forgotten

a random moment
changes the course

on the black horizon
light
hope
faith
found

a hand extended
grab and hold

light pierces the darkness
find your way
i am here
you are not alone
you will heal

a connection
long thought lost

you said…
jump in with both feet

as we stand on the edge

maybe this time
it will be
different
seasons change

Natasha Bedingfield

Natasha Bedingfield and Me!

It's not a spot on my shirt, just a dumb reflection from the weird lights in studio. And yes, she was looking for a pocket full of sunshine. No lie.

Natasha Bedingfield was just in the studios to do a meet and greet with a few contest winners and I got to go in and listen to her sing a few of her hit songs. She is not only adorable but is also really funny. You would know her songs if you heard them. Some of her hit songs include “Love Like This”, “Unwritten”, “These Words”, “Pocket Full Of Sunshine”, and the new single “Angel”.

After the performance, which was great, I walked to up get a photo and for some reason I stood on the opposite side of her than everyone else had, then I wondered if I should switch sides. Not sure what to do, I just blurted out…

ME: (standing on her right side) Oh sorry, do you have a good side for the picture?
NATASHA: No, do you?
ME: Actually yes. (I switch sides with her. I’m now on her left side.)
NATASHA: Well, aren’t you just like Mariah Carey.
ME: You have no idea.
(She gets really close to me. REALLY CLOSE. Photo is taken.)
ME: (looking at her, pretending to be shocked and stepping back) Natasha did you just get frisky with me?
NATASHA: (laughing) Yes, I did.
ME: Oh yeah…I thought I felt your hand slip. I’ll see you up at the front desk.
NATASHA: You know…I used to be a receptionist.
ME: Really? So I can look forward to being an international rock star some day?
NATASHA: Yes. When I was a receptionist I was known to be the office flirt.
(People laugh and do the whole “Oh yeah” thing.)
ME: Same here.
NATASHA: You too?
ME: Oh yeah. I’m always “accidently” dropping pens…
BARB: Jason! GO! NOW!
ME: Thanks Natasha. It was great to meet you.
NATASHA: You too, Jason. Bye.

I’m pretty sure I was just hit on by an international pop star. I love my job.

(This post was written on October 21. And, yes, I am wearing a different colored polo shirt that the one in the Metro Station picture. Just looks the same due to the weird lights.)

Metro Station

Metro Station and Me!

Dirty hot mess.

I just met the members of the band Metro Station. Now, again, my inner 13 year old girl has surfaced much to my embarrassment. I love their song “Shake It.” I bought it off iTunes when it was released. I have the CD. I usually throw it on to every CD mix that I burn. I L-O-V-E IT!

So naturally when I heard they were coming in…I was rather pumped. Heck ya. Awesome.

Well…all I can say is this. G to the R to the O to the S to the S. GROSS! Like make me vomit in my mouth type of gross.

First off they looked dirty. As in filthy dirty. As in critters crawling on them dirty. Ugh. Second they are completely unable to communicate other than in some weird grunts and groans. Third all they care about is the dirty hair. It was almost like a bizarre obsessive compulsive behavior. They kept pulling their hair down into their face over and over and over. Odd to say the least.

So I go back to do a photo and one of them shakes my hand. Ish. Then I get in the middle and we do a photo and I’m trying to make small talk with them and they just can’t really speak well. I told them how a lot of the fans that just left were really excited for the show tonight and things like that and they just slowly blinked at me. Then I said something about the girl who just left who’s world was rocked because her scarf matched one of the guy’s shirts. Turns it out was Trace Cyrus (yes, Miley Cyrus’ half brother) and I made a joke about it. No laughs. Nothing. I grabbed my camera and left.

I was back at my desk when they came through to leave. Then one by one they had to use the bathroom, so they lingered at my desk for awhile. I tried to do some more small talk but once again, nothing. Just more hair flipping and pulling and smoothing over their faces.

Then as they are walking out. Trace Cyrus walks past my desk and says “Nice to meet you brother.” What the hell? I tell you that Cyrus family is one hot mess. No two ways about that.

Shake it? No thanks. I’ll never “shake it” again.

(This was written on October 20.)

KATHY GRIFFIN

Kathy Griffin and Me!

Tom is lurking in the background. Hilarious!

Kathy Griffin as she is talking to me. Great shot Jenn!

The Orpheum Theatre!

When I grow up
I wanna be famous
I wanna be a star
I wanna be in movies
When I grow up
I wanna see the world
Drive nice cars
I wanna have groupies
When I grow up
Be on TV
People know me
Be on magazines
When I grow up

It’s no secret I love Kathy Griffin. I never miss one of her appearances on TV. I have recorded every single episode of all four seasons of “Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List”. I obsess over her interviews on TV or in print. I buy her DVD’s and CD’s. I love everything about her.

Last night Kathy completed a record breaking five show run at the Orpheum Theatre here in Minneapolis. Five shows! Amazing. And, I went to all five. Yes, that’s right. I think that definitely qualifies me as a “super fan”.

Here is the exciting break down of events!

Friday evening there are two shows back to back. I hauled ass to the theatre right after work and began “Operation Meet and Greet with Kathy Griffin”. I hung out in the parking lot for a few hours. Becca joined me shortly after six pm. Completely and totally unsuccessful. I knew that Kathy wouldn’t leave between shows so I didn’t bother hanging out at the stage door after the first show. My friend and co-worker Amy attended the second show with me. I knew Kathy would bail from the theatre the minute she walked off stage and I was right. So Amy and I left the show a few minutes early to try and catch Kathy as she left the theatre. Again no luck. The only vehicle that left the stage door area was a little Honda with three people in it. We saw the Honda when we came out, it was running and has it’s flashers on but was waiting by a different door at the loading dock. Turns out it was a bait and switch! The three people in the car was none other than one of the theatre’s employees (the driver), Tom (Kathy’s tour manager), and Kathy. DAMN IT.

Saturday was the Alanis Morisette concert. Kathy did a show down in Iowa.

Sunday is show number three. I go back down to the theatre and I stake out a new spot in the parking lot. I am positioned with a clear line of vision for both doors. Not going to run the risk tonight of missing her. It is cold and damp out. As it gets darker it just gets colder. I wait, and wait, and wait. I look over to my right as I’m sitting on this dirty curb and I see a few pairs of underwear. Apparently the Alanis concert must have been quite a night for some people. I wait and wait and wait some more. I feel like Linus sitting out in pumpkin patch waiting for The Great Pumpkin to arrive. I am miserable and cold. Then I see this African American woman walk past me. She gives me the dirtiest look I’ve seen in years. She is wearing old jeans and a red sweatshirt with a red jacket tied around her waist. I would have mistaken her for a homeless woman except she has really expensive looking red framed eyeglasses and her hair is impeccable. I think she might be working with the theatre or something. More waiting followed by even more waiting. All of a sudden a huge black SUV with tinted windows pulls up and Kathy Griffin has arrived. The “homeless” woman runs down the ramp to the stage door in front of the SUV. I run over and I see Kathy Griffin getting out the vehicle and quickly moving into the theatre. Then I see the “homeless” woman video taping Kathy. Kathy waves, I hear her say “hi” and it’s over. Insane. After the show, I go back out the stage door and the SUV is parked there and it’s running. There is one other woman there, waiting with a camera. She comes over to talk to me and I’m trying to shake her because she seems really crazy to me. All of a sudden the stage door opens and Kathy is jumping into the SUV. I’ve never seen anyone more so quick! So the SUV drives past us as it comes up the ramp. The woman next to me starts to pound on the car window and is yelling “KATHY! I LOVE YOU KATHY! “The SUV drives across the parking lot and she is running still screaming, arms flailing, camera flashing. She tries to get in front of the SUV to block them but they end up peeling out of the parking lot out onto Hennepin Avenue and they are gone into the dark of night. C-R-A-Z-Y!

Monday is the fourth sold out show. I have two shows left to meet Kath Griffin. Only two left! The first three have been a total bust. Sure…the nights have been adventurous with the whole lunatic pounding on the car, the nasty looks from the “homeless” woman, and the dirty underwear…but my Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D:List DVD is still unsigned!

Jenn meets me for the show and we are hanging out in the parking lot. I’ve giving her the rundown of the previous nights and we are hatching out plan of attack. As we wait in the parking lot I look across the street and I see Kathy’s SUV parked in the alley between the Chambers Hotel and a parking ramp. I stand there for a second and think…Kathy is staying at the Chamber’s Hotel. Literally across the street from the theatre. Not down the block, or around the corner…but across the street! ACROSS THE STREET! Then I see the driver come around the vehicle and it’s the same guy who drove Kathy the night before. So I quick look up to the penthouse level of the hotel. It’s really easy to see since the hotel is only five stories high and all the lights are on. Then I see a man walking around by the windows. A few minutes later I see a woman with huge hair near the windows. It’s Kathy and Tom! I cannot believe it. We are shocked! This is insane. Then we see Tom upstairs get on the phone and then the driver gets on the phone. They are talking to each other! After they are done the theatre employee who waiting by the stage door gets on his phone and we hear him say “ok, great. I’m waiting at the door. See you in a minute.” It’s almost time! Then we look back across the street and see the driver opening the door of the SUV and a few seconds later the side door of the Hotel opens and out steps Kathy Griffin and Tom and they get in and it drives off. No one has noticed. NO ONE! I am feeling like Angela Lansbury on “Murder She Wrote” only without a crime to solve. I am a genius. I cannot believe I have figured it all out and no one is aware. The theatre is sold out. 2,500 fans and she is literally across the street and everyone is clueless.

So we get the camera ready and I grab the DVD and sharpie marker. I go up to the guy working at the stage door and I tell him that I just have a DVD and camera and that it’s cool. He is fine with it and is actually really nice. I told him that I just wanted to make sure since the crazy woman pounded on the car last night that there won’t be any problems. He then tells me that CJ was there the night before videotaping Kathy as she arrived. The woman that I thought was homeless and crusty is actually CJ, the gossip reporter for the Star Tribune. Whoops!

A few minutes later the SUV pulls up and Jenn and I run down the ramp behind it. As the door opens and Kathy is getting out I say “Kathy will you sign your DVD?” She says sure and takes it and starts to autograph it. Then she asks me if I want to take a picture. Hell yeah! So Jenn takes a picture of Kathy and I and then Kathy asks Jenn if she wants a picture, so I take a picture of them. Then some other woman wants a picture so I take her camera and take the picture. All the while I’m talking non-stop to Kathy. I told her that I’m going to all five shows and that I loved the fact that she changes the material every night. She thanks me for going to all five shows and says that she has to change it up or else she would never get through it. More chit chat follows. It’s all a blur. Then she says and I quote “Well, since you are going to all the shows you better go in. After all I clearly can’t start the show without you.”

How awesome is that?

I didn’t go back to the stage door for the last show. It was cold and rainy and to be honest…my experience with her was great. I didn’t want to be disappointed and have the whole experience be ruined. I got her picture, I got her autograph, and I got to talk to her. I was a happy camper. She was so gracious and kind. She’s won two Emmy’s, is a comedy Icon, and has a hit TV show and she asks me if I want a picture. Unreal.

There it is. My third Kathy Griffin adventure. Each one more memorable than the last. Oh, almost forgot. I was recognized twice by people that have seen me perform. That was nice. They have seen me do stand up comedy and improv around town. It was on two different nights. Always surprises me when that happens. Hopefully I’m doing something right!

Suck it haters!

Be careful what you wish for
'cause you just might get it
You just might get it
You just might get it

(This post was written on October 8th, but just published today.)

Meeting Jewel

Jewel and Me!

Yes, I am wearing a western shirt. I did it for Jewel.

Last Friday Becca and I headed to the Minnesota State Fair to see Jewel perform at the Grand Stand. The very moment I set foot on the fairgrounds I was done. Too many people, too much crap everywhere, too little room to move. The State Fair is over excessive in every sense of the word. Becca loves it. I hate it.

My awesome co-worker Mary arranged for us to get a Meet & Greet Pass to go backstage before the show and meet Jewel. This is my second time meeting her. The first time I met Jewel was a few months ago back at the K102 radio station. She came in to do some promotion for her new CD that was about to be released.

I was sitting at my desk working (well, let’s be honest…I was surfing the net and blogging) when Jewel arrived. She walked off the elevator and Mary introduced us. There is a huge awards case behind my desk. Jewel said that there are a lot of awards. I looked at her and said “Yes, there are. I’m a pretty good receptionist.”. So we talked for a few moments and she went off to a meeting. A little while later I went back to the performance space to watch her perform for the show. It was awesome. She sang a few songs, told some hilarious stories, and gave a great interview. It was a riot. Then she did an autograph signing and took some photos. While in line I was mistaken yet again for being Crisco. Apparently to the entire world Crisco and I could be twins. I don’t see it. But, I think for as long as I work here I will be mistaken for him. Oh well. It’s like we are the overweight male version of the Olson Twins. But, I’m the cute one. So would that make me Mary Kate or Ashley? Hummmm….anyway.

So I get up to Jewel and I have all of her CD’s in my bag. I crack open my bag and Mary looks at me and says, in front of Jewel….

MARY: Jason no! You can’t have her sign all your CD’s.
ME: I know Mary! I just want her to sign her favorite one.
JEWEL: (just looks at me. Wide eyed.)
ME: Hi Jewel. So which CD is your favorite?
JEWEL: Well, I like them all.
ME: (I move “Goodbye Alice In Wonderland” to the top of the pile and hand it to her.) Wow. That’s my favorite one as well.
JEWEL: (laughs) Well, how about every time I come to the station I sign a CD for you.
ME: Yeah…that would be awesome.
JEWEL: It might take us seven years, but we will do it.
ME: I will hold you to it.

Then we take a photo and I grab the CD’s and head back to my desk.

On her way out she passes by my desk and says goodbye and makes a joke about how we are best friends forever. I love my job.

So now standing backstage at the meet and greet I’m trying to think of something to say so she remembers me. There’s maybe twenty of us in line. I’ve got nothing. My wit is failing me big time.

Her management makes an announcement that Jewel has already signed pictures for us and that she won’t be signing anything else because they are running short on time, so it will be pictures only. Damn! I, of course, had all of her CD’s in my bag hoping she would sign one. Oh well, maybe next time. Jewel comes in and everyone smiles and waves. They start cranking through people like crazy. Walk up, pose, snap picture and you are done.

I’m nervous and still trying to think of something to say. Nothing. Ahhhh, my moment is about to slip away.

I walk up to her. Jewel smiles. I smile.

JEWEL: Hi. How are you?
ME: Great. How are you?
JEWEL: Good. Did you bring a CD for me to sign?
ME: Clearly you remember your favorite receptionist ever.
JEWEL: Of course.
ME: They said you’re not signing anything else.
JEWEL: I’ll sign it. Just wait for me over there and I’ll do when I’m done here.
ME: Awesome. So are you going to sing “Thump Thump” tonight.
JEWEL: No, they crowd doesn’t always get into it. It’s hard…
ME: Jewel! It’s my favorite song on the album!
JEWEL: How about the next time I come into the station I’ll sing it for you.
ME: Ok, but you know that I’ll hold you to it.
JEWEL: I have no doubt you will.
*take picture*

Then I grab my stuff and I go over to the side with Becca. Completely surreal. Jewel remembered me!

So she finishes up the meet and greet and I’m talking to Becca. She stops over to where we are standing and I give her the new CD to sign. Then Jewel says….

JEWEL: You should have brought them all. I would have signed them.
ME: Funny you should say that…because I did!
JEWEL: Well, let’s do it.

So I open my bag and grab the rest of the CD’s. Now, it was supposed to rain so I had the CD’s in a giant gallon Ziploc bag. Jewel and her manager are looking at me like I’m a nutcase. I feel stupid. Becca is laughing. So I then say…

ME: It was supposed to rain. I didn’t want you to get wet.
JEWEL: (laughing) Well, thanks. I appreciate it.

I open the CD’s, Jewel signs them, her manager closes them and puts them back in my bag, and Becca is busy taking photos.

Then out of the blue I say…

ME: Becca is thinking of moving to Alaska. (Becca looks at me horrified.)
JEWEL: (looks up and seems confused) Why?
BECCA: My friend lives there and I could teach.
ME: I keep telling her she shouldn’t go.
JEWEL: Where at?
BECCA: (says the name of the place, I don’t remember it to be honest.)
JEWEL: Is that one of the villages?
BECCA: Yes.

Then there is some more discussion about Alaska and the show. I don’t remember exactly what was all said. I’ll have to ask Becca for more details.

Jewel finishes signing the CD’s. My collection is complete. I got some fun photos. And most importantly Jewel did not approve of Becca moving to Alaska. Awesome!

The show is a lot of fun. Jewel is an outstanding talent and if you ever get a chance to see her…go do it!

(This post was from August 2008. Just published today.)

Sunday at the Zoo

Isabella, Miguel, and Me at the Russian Bear Exhibit.

Miguel and Me in our hoodie sweatshirts. We could be twins. I spent the day with everyone calling me Miguel.

Isabella and a bear statue. So brave when it's not a real bear.

Isabella with a real bear swimming right infront of her. A few years ago while riding in the car Isabella looked over at me and said "You know...I don't like bears or alligators." and then she went back to watching her dvd. Random moment but it still makes me laugh...especially when she sees a bear.

Miguel in his carseat. Now that is one happy baby. And cute!

Sunday in the Park