Confessions of a Local Celebrity

New Year's Day 2012

2012-01-01T23:19:00.000-06:00

"My new years resolution: Never be afraid to be kicked in the teeth. Let the blood and the bruises define your legacy. - Lady Gaga 2012"

This is the year that I vow to be fearless in all that do. Here we go 2012. It is time to make things happen. And the journey begins in 5...4...3...2...1...

all i ever wanted

2011-10-08T01:14:00.000-05:00

2:11 am
alone in a hotel room
two thousand miles from home
home
minnesota las vegas
my nomadic life begins with a heart deeply rooted in the past

a dream come true
a break of a lifetime
beyond grateful
melancholy
knowing you can’t go home again.

everything comes with a price
for every dream a pound of flesh
a piece of your soul
how much is one willing to pay
to get all they have ever wanted

making people laugh
while you struggle to find the comedy within
sadness comes like a wave
washing over you as you leave the stage
wanting the most what cannot be

rochester new york
i like this place
familiar in so many ways
it is the closest to home
that I have been
since I left

My Holiday Letter 2009.

2010-01-14T15:45:00.000-06:00

December 2009

Dear __________________ (insert your name here),

Season’s Greetings!

Well, I suppose I should start by acknowledging the elephant in the room and be done with it. As you can see, I’m not famous yet. My plan of “appearing on a reality talent show and wowing the audience with my singing (after being cruelly mocked by the judges) and then selling over 700,000 copies of my debut album in its first week of release” didn’t quite pan out. Susan Boyle beat me to the punch. Whatever Susan…you’re not the only one who can dream a dream. On to Plan B, which involves alcohol and a sex tape. *sigh*

As usual, employment at Clear Channel is interesting. I spend most of my day at work eating snacks, calling family long distance, talking smack about co-workers, and surfing the internet. It’s amazing how quickly I can click out of a Madonna fan website and into a spreadsheet in Excel when the boss passes by. Fingers of fire! Fortunately management is clueless. They don’t even realize that I don’t use Excel in my job duties as receptionist. Also, many of my co-workers refer to me as “eye-candy” which is inappropriate, but tolerable since they just look but don’t touch. A lot of crazy celebrities drifted through the office over the past 12 months including Lady GaGa (“Bad Romance” was written about our tryst.), Katy Perry (She referred to me as her “tiny dancer”. Oh Katy, you are so hot and cold.), Mat Kearny (No comment due to a restraining order.), Fall Out Boy (STD’s on legs.), Snow Patrol (Not as boring in person as their songs would lead you to believe.) among others (Big Kenny, John Rich, Kellie Pickler, Ludacris, Cobbie Caillet, Rob Thomas, The Fray, Adele, Jonas Bros.). So many restraining orders, so little time. Truth be told, 2009 wasn’t as star studded as previous years when we had Dolly Parton, Jewel, Jessica Simpson, Trisha Yearwood, Sugarland, P. Diddy, Simon LeBon, and the truly “friendly” Susan Vega (not really nice at all) come through. I guess the recession is hurting us all.

In an effort to become healthier in 2009, I made a real effort to lose some weight. I ended up losing 41 pounds. But then disaster struck and I tore a tendon in my right foot. Good thing I love to self-medicate. It’s amazing how many pills you can get for a Game Boy over at the elementary school. Those fifth graders sure like to wheel and deal. But, unfortunately, some of the weight has crept back on since the injury still has not healed. Life…one step forward, two steps back. Or should I say…Life…one trip forward, two limps back. Now, some of you may, or may not know, I’m a vegetarian. It’s challenging most days, since I don’t like vegetables and I’d rather have my limbs gnawed off my rabid hamsters than eat a salad. I’m more of a dairytarian. I like milk. I also enjoy cheese, ice cream, cottage cheese, ice cream, and cheese. I tried eating a salad in 2009 and my body revolted and panicked. Despite what I was telling myself, my body was convinced I was trying to commit suicide. While I didn’t die, I did feel much pain for about a week. My body is now suspicious of everything I eat. Once trust is destroyed, it’s hard to repair. Can I get an Amen up in here? Every time I see a lettuce leaf, I have terrible flashbacks like a Vietnam Vet from fighting in the war. I often find myself on the floor in the fetal position, shaking, sweaty, and yelling “Never again!” when I pass through the produce department at Cub Foods.

Another major accomplishment in 2009 was changing the break lights on my Ford Focus by myself (my dad was on the phone). I’m now thinking of opening my own auto-body shop. I think that “J’s Auto-Body Shop” has a unique and charming ring to it and I do look quite dashing in a pair of greasy overalls. Please don’t ask how I know this, just trust me that I do…it’s better this way.

In October I had a triumphant return to my hometown with my stand up comedy show “No Holds Barred”. We packed the room, had great laughs, and I saw many old friends again. But, the evening was not without controversy. An elderly couple got up and walked out about 15 minutes into the show. My guess is that they were disappointed that I was not one of the many acoustic musicians that normally play in that venue. The elderly couple probably realized that they were in trouble when they didn’t see a giant harp or a woman in a dirty hippie dress doing aboriginal throat singing. Or maybe they were mad that there was no Bingo tournament, meat raffle, or karaoke (all very popular up North). But, in any case, I clearly blame them. It’s no secret that everyone loves me, so I highly doubt it was my joke about running into a former classmate who is now a bi-sexual Pagan Wiccan Priestess at Coborn’s Supermarket. Last time I had seen her was at the St. Mary Church Youth Group meeting. So truth be told, the encounter at Coborn’s surprised me a great deal, and well, frankly, probably made Baby Jesus cry too.

In other awkward news, my six year old niece, Isabella, keeps asking me why I don’t have a girlfriend. She doesn’t connect the dots yet as to why I’m the “fun” uncle who likes to buy her Barbies, take her to “Mamma Mia”, and dance with her in the front row at the Miley Cyrus concert. If you aren’t able to connect the dots after reading that sentence either, just know that I’m very much in love with a special lady that I met online who lives in Canada. Miguel, my 18 month old nephew, loves to dance to Beyonce. I have a feeling we will have a lot in common down the road. All the single babies…put your hands up!

No official comment on the rest of the family. They have banned me from speaking about them publicly after my last stand up comedy show in Little Falls. The family took issue with me telling the world about some of their rather stupid blunders such as the time my dad electrocuted himself, or Melissa’s epic holiday meltdown the other year, and Jeremy’s infamous brush with the law (let’s just say the law won). Just know that they are mostly well.

Upon examining my life, I’ve come to the conclusion that I lead a very strange existence. I have decided to collect all the stories of my life over the years and commit them to paper. I’m sure most of you will stop speaking to me once this project is finished since I think changing names and events to protect the guilty is tacky. Be warned, I will name names proudly. Thus, at this time in 2010, I predict I will be rather lonely. Such is the price one pays in the quest for fame. But, I’m sure we will reconnect down the road when most of you resurface while I’m living large in Hollywood and you are suing me for all I’m worth.

In closing, I think 2009 can be summed up best by a lyric from Britney Spear’s colossal hit CIRCUS, “I’m like a firecracker, I make it hot.”

Wishing you all the best. From my heart to yours…Happy Holidays! And, yes, just so you know…everything in this letter is true. Every word.

Jason

sometime around midnight

2009-07-12T23:47:00.000-05:00

and it starts
sometime around midnight
or at least that’s when
you lose yourself
for a minute or two

at target
two little girls running
beyond excited
wearing brand new backpacks
excited for school in the fall

one girl
hardly bigger than her backpack
glowing
her sister
thrilled

i miss my youth
life was black and white
right and wrong
yes and no
now life is
gray
morally
emotionally
a line drawn and crossed
if i knew then what i know now….

i’ve been trying to lose weight
down a total of 41 pounds so far
fell off the wagon the past two weeks
still falling
food is a false comfort

tensions rampant
stress from every angle
drowning man without a life preserver

ruby
on style network
a real reality star – contradiction of terms
her goal is to get under 350 pounds
as she shrinks her soul
she radiates life

ruby says
“I thought maybe…just maybe someone could love me for me.”
my heart hopes for the same thing
i turn thirty-five in a few days
still hoping….

tomorrow i will
face the damage
inflicted upon myself
yet again
the scale never lies

i will try to forgive
and try again
one step forward
three stumbles backwards
and maybe along the way finally learn to love myself

mat kearney
a musical hero of mine
whom i have met three times now
i requested a song
he sang it
jewel did the same
“Thump Thump” in concert
my life is surreal in every sense of the word

how can i be so high
and so low
so happy
and so sad
at the same time?
there is no middle ground
i am a creature of extremes
always have been

a college professor once said to me…
“The dichotomy of your life is amazing. One day you are face down in a swamp. The next day you are in New York working for Rosie O’Donnell”

those words will stay with me for a lifetime

and you walk
under the streetlights
and your too drunk to notice
that everyone is staring at you
you don’t care what you look like
the world is falling
around you

I "heart" Katy Perry

2009-04-16T13:48:00.003-05:00

So “Hot N Cold” is one of the best pop songs ever written. I want it played at my funeral along with Madonna’s “Like A Prayer”. No lie.

Katy Perry was in our studio yesterday to do a special promotional event for KDWB and I was lucky enough to attend. She sang four songs…”Waking Up In Vegas”, “Hot N Cold”, “Thinking of You”, and “Mannequin”. If you know me, you know that “Hot N Cold” is one of my all time favorite songs ever. I dance like crazy to it. If a doctor saw me, I would probably be committed to an insane asylum or something. I can’t help myself. I dance to it all the time at work. Sometimes I even have a dance party with a few co-workers.

So I find a spot in the performance room with some of my friends and I’m in the back corner and it’s really dark. Katy starts to sing “Hot N Cold”. I held it together for about three measures and then I lost it. I danced like a crazy mofo. It was dark. No one was behind me. I was in the corner. I couldn’t help myself. I danced, and danced, and danced. Katy kept looking over and I figured that she was looking at the people down in the chairs ahead of us because it was so dark. I don’t care…I’m having the time of my life.

After the performance and interview they announce that there will be a quick meet and greet and photos. Everyone lines up to meet Katy. So I walk up to Katy and Allison (the record label rep) introduces me as “This is Jason, he works here and he is also a comedian.” Katy looks at me and says “Oh cool. Nice to meet you. You were the one dancing in the back!” Unreal. I didn’t think she could see me because it was so dark and I was in the back corner. I was wrong. She saw me. Then Katy looks at me and says “You really liked the “Hot N Cold” song”.

And this is how the rest of our meeting went…

JASON: Ah yeah. It’s one of my all time favorites. My heart grew three times while you sang it.

KATY: Your heart?

JASON: Yes, my heart.

KATY: This heart? (She puts her hand on my chest over my heart.)

JASON: That would be the one.

KATY: Oh you are so sweet.

JASON: Thank you for doing the show.

KATY: You’re welcome.

We take the picture.

Now…I also had her CD with me for her to hopefully autograph. So I waited until everyone had done their pictures and whatnot with her. Allison comes over and asks if I have the CD and then Katy walks over and just starts talking. I tell Katy that I was at her showcase here at KDWB a year ago before the album dropped and that it must have been a really crazy year for her. So we talk a little bit about everything that has happened in the past year. Then I asked if she would sign my CD. She said of course she would. So Allison hands her my CD and while we are chatting Katy autographs my CD with “To My Tiny Dancer Jason! Nice to see you again! Love, Katy Perry”. Ok, seriously…how insanely awesome is that? That’s wild! So I say good bye and return to my desk.

A little while later I was helping a confused winner (They are always confused. I love it when they come in for tickets for a band that’s not even on freakin’ tour.) and Katy Perry walks up behind me. Now, I had been talking to the winner for so long that I hadn’t been using my computer so it was on the screen saver picture of Kathy Griffin and me. Yes, I totally have pictures of famous people as my computer screen saver photos. Let’s face it…famous people are just better than the rest of us. Anyways…Katy sees the picture and says…

KATY: Is that Kathy Griffin?

JASON: Yes, it is.

KATY: Kathy Griffin? From the DList?

JASON: Sure is.

KATY: No way! I love her. I love the DList.

JASON: Me too!

KATY: That’s so cool.

JASON: Well, now the picture of us is going to have to be the next screen saver.

KATY: Shut up!

JASON: I’m serious! And, Katy, it’s a pretty big deal. There have only been three people who have been screen savers before. They were Katy Griffin, Simon LeBon, Dolly Parton. And now you.

KATY: Umm…I have a Dolly Parton drag queen in my new video. Big titties.

JASON: For “Waking Up In Vegas”? I’m so going to watch for it.

KATY: Oh thank you!

JASON: No problem.

KATY: It was Jason, right?

JASON: Ah, you remembered! Clearly we are BFF’s.

KATY: Yes…for forever and a day! Bye!

JASON: Bye!

And then she left. I love my life sometimes. Katy was amazing…so down to Earth and sincere. If you ever get a chance to see her perform, don’t pass it up or you will regret it. No doubt about that.

By the way, all my co-workers saw me dancing like crazy. I guess they were pointing me out to each other. Oh, I was blissfully unaware that anyone could even see me. So dumb. I am such a nerd. Unreal.

more than a dream - pet shop boys

2009-03-26T09:23:00.001-05:00

driving through the night
just you and me
faster than the pale moonlight
something is calling
calling us away
do you believe
heaven is a better place
we'll be there in a heartbeat

Updates Coming!

2009-03-26T09:21:00.001-05:00

Updates for the blog are coming! Great stories of Jewel, Indigo Girls, Katy Perry are on the way! As well as some fun stand up comedy adventures and more.

Life has been crazy busy but I'm working on getting everything updated in the next day or two. So please check back soon!

2009

2009-01-01T20:49:00.000-06:00

Happy New Year Bitches!

Happy Holidays! Isabella and Miguel meet Santa.

2008-12-29T13:58:00.005-06:00

All is fine.
Miguel grows suspicious.

Miguel loses his mind.

Santa goes numb and Isabella is ready for her close up.

Merry Christmas!

Isabella and Santa on Christmas Eve

2008-12-29T13:56:00.002-06:00

Will Smith Photos

2008-12-29T13:50:00.003-06:00

On December 12, Will Smith was in the studios doing some promotion for his new movie "Seven Pounds". People went apeshit crazy. I haven't seen people lose it like this since I worked at The Rosie O'Donnell Show. Insane. Here are some crowd shots from the lobby of the building.

Am I A Chosen One?

2008-12-29T13:35:00.004-06:00

On December 5th, I was eating lunch and had a "low-fat, low-calorie, doesn't really taste like anything pudding cup" for dessert. I put the pudding cup down after eating all it's not-so-delicious contents and I was shocked to see a face staring back at me. Some pudding stuck to the lid and made a face. Clearly, it's a sign. FREAKY! I feel bad for the person who found the Virgin Mary in their grilled cheese and was mocked for it. I swear if I find the face of Jesus in my cottage cheese I will lose it. I am too lazy to be a messenger for the Lord. Then to make things worse, as I was showing everyone the pudding started to melt a little bit and ended up looking like The Joker from "The Dark Knight". Sinister, indeed. A sign from above or below? You decide.

pilgrim

2008-11-11T01:04:00.000-06:00

cross the threshold
pilgrim on a journey

the promise
of a new day
stirs the soul
the spirit
awakens

change
difficult at best
crucial
to grow

we all have crosses to carry
the sins of the past
the uncertainty of the future
the doubt of the present
one same as many

those before you
blazed the trail
reap the rewards
of their war
all
their losses
their victories
their wounds
their scars
for you

those behind you
unmet
unknown
unaware
will thank you
when the day breaks
as they begin for themselves
the journey
you are now on
whether you know it or not

the masses will praise you
on a new day

some day

no map
no compass
no star
to guide
your way

only your soul
knows the path
the heart and the brain
wage an eternal war
of what it wants
of what is real
of what it will deny
in the end
the heart will prevail
truth
sets us all free

stumble
fall
cry
rise
over and over and over
find your way

you are not alone
no man is an island
even in the darkness
when all you see
is
loss
misery
pain

others are here
waiting
when the light comes
you will see
you
were
never
alone

see me
hear me
feel me
believe me
trust me

i am here

gather your courage
pin it to your heart
muster your strength
pulse through your body
breathe
leap
soar

daybreak
the darkness
retreats

you are loved

jump

2008-11-07T23:43:00.000-06:00

seasons change
winter spring summer fall
back to winter again
the clock ticks
relentless
unforgiving

first snowfall of the season
daybreak covered in white
not unexpected
but always a surprise

a melancholy of sorts
invades the soul

life not from the movies
or tv
false dreams sold with a laugh track
and applause
of how it should be
not how it is

always dreamed of the
gatherings
celebrations
festivities
of the perfect life
a life well lived

surrounded by people
evidence you are loved

a ship at sea
lost
floating
drifting
forgotten

a random moment
changes the course

on the black horizon
light
hope
faith
found

a hand extended
grab and hold

light pierces the darkness
find your way
i am here
you are not alone
you will heal

a connection
long thought lost

you said…
jump in with both feet

as we stand on the edge

maybe this time
it will be
different
seasons change

Natasha Bedingfield

2008-11-06T09:24:00.002-06:00

Natasha Bedingfield and Me!

It's not a spot on my shirt, just a dumb reflection from the weird lights in studio. And yes, she was looking for a pocket full of sunshine. No lie.

Natasha Bedingfield was just in the studios to do a meet and greet with a few contest winners and I got to go in and listen to her sing a few of her hit songs. She is not only adorable but is also really funny. You would know her songs if you heard them. Some of her hit songs include “Love Like This”, “Unwritten”, “These Words”, “Pocket Full Of Sunshine”, and the new single “Angel”.

After the performance, which was great, I walked to up get a photo and for some reason I stood on the opposite side of her than everyone else had, then I wondered if I should switch sides. Not sure what to do, I just blurted out…

ME: (standing on her right side) Oh sorry, do you have a good side for the picture?
NATASHA: No, do you?
ME: Actually yes. (I switch sides with her. I’m now on her left side.)
NATASHA: Well, aren’t you just like Mariah Carey.
ME: You have no idea.
(She gets really close to me. REALLY CLOSE. Photo is taken.)
ME: (looking at her, pretending to be shocked and stepping back) Natasha did you just get frisky with me?
NATASHA: (laughing) Yes, I did.
ME: Oh yeah…I thought I felt your hand slip. I’ll see you up at the front desk.
NATASHA: You know…I used to be a receptionist.
ME: Really? So I can look forward to being an international rock star some day?
NATASHA: Yes. When I was a receptionist I was known to be the office flirt.
(People laugh and do the whole “Oh yeah” thing.)
ME: Same here.
NATASHA: You too?
ME: Oh yeah. I’m always “accidently” dropping pens…
BARB: Jason! GO! NOW!
ME: Thanks Natasha. It was great to meet you.
NATASHA: You too, Jason. Bye.

I’m pretty sure I was just hit on by an international pop star. I love my job.

(This post was written on October 21. And, yes, I am wearing a different colored polo shirt that the one in the Metro Station picture. Just looks the same due to the weird lights.)

Metro Station

2008-11-06T09:21:00.003-06:00

Metro Station and Me!

Dirty hot mess.

I just met the members of the band Metro Station. Now, again, my inner 13 year old girl has surfaced much to my embarrassment. I love their song “Shake It.” I bought it off iTunes when it was released. I have the CD. I usually throw it on to every CD mix that I burn. I L-O-V-E IT!

So naturally when I heard they were coming in…I was rather pumped. Heck ya. Awesome.

Well…all I can say is this. G to the R to the O to the S to the S. GROSS! Like make me vomit in my mouth type of gross.

First off they looked dirty. As in filthy dirty. As in critters crawling on them dirty. Ugh. Second they are completely unable to communicate other than in some weird grunts and groans. Third all they care about is the dirty hair. It was almost like a bizarre obsessive compulsive behavior. They kept pulling their hair down into their face over and over and over. Odd to say the least.

So I go back to do a photo and one of them shakes my hand. Ish. Then I get in the middle and we do a photo and I’m trying to make small talk with them and they just can’t really speak well. I told them how a lot of the fans that just left were really excited for the show tonight and things like that and they just slowly blinked at me. Then I said something about the girl who just left who’s world was rocked because her scarf matched one of the guy’s shirts. Turns it out was Trace Cyrus (yes, Miley Cyrus’ half brother) and I made a joke about it. No laughs. Nothing. I grabbed my camera and left.

I was back at my desk when they came through to leave. Then one by one they had to use the bathroom, so they lingered at my desk for awhile. I tried to do some more small talk but once again, nothing. Just more hair flipping and pulling and smoothing over their faces.

Then as they are walking out. Trace Cyrus walks past my desk and says “Nice to meet you brother.” What the hell? I tell you that Cyrus family is one hot mess. No two ways about that.

Shake it? No thanks. I’ll never “shake it” again.

(This was written on October 20.)

KATHY GRIFFIN

2008-10-21T14:00:00.004-05:00

Kathy Griffin and Me!

Tom is lurking in the background. Hilarious!

Kathy Griffin as she is talking to me. Great shot Jenn!

The Orpheum Theatre!

When I grow up
I wanna be famous
I wanna be a star
I wanna be in movies
When I grow up
I wanna see the world
Drive nice cars
I wanna have groupies
When I grow up
Be on TV
People know me
Be on magazines
When I grow up

It’s no secret I love Kathy Griffin. I never miss one of her appearances on TV. I have recorded every single episode of all four seasons of “Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List”. I obsess over her interviews on TV or in print. I buy her DVD’s and CD’s. I love everything about her.

Last night Kathy completed a record breaking five show run at the Orpheum Theatre here in Minneapolis. Five shows! Amazing. And, I went to all five. Yes, that’s right. I think that definitely qualifies me as a “super fan”.

Here is the exciting break down of events!

Friday evening there are two shows back to back. I hauled ass to the theatre right after work and began “Operation Meet and Greet with Kathy Griffin”. I hung out in the parking lot for a few hours. Becca joined me shortly after six pm. Completely and totally unsuccessful. I knew that Kathy wouldn’t leave between shows so I didn’t bother hanging out at the stage door after the first show. My friend and co-worker Amy attended the second show with me. I knew Kathy would bail from the theatre the minute she walked off stage and I was right. So Amy and I left the show a few minutes early to try and catch Kathy as she left the theatre. Again no luck. The only vehicle that left the stage door area was a little Honda with three people in it. We saw the Honda when we came out, it was running and has it’s flashers on but was waiting by a different door at the loading dock. Turns out it was a bait and switch! The three people in the car was none other than one of the theatre’s employees (the driver), Tom (Kathy’s tour manager), and Kathy. DAMN IT.

Saturday was the Alanis Morisette concert. Kathy did a show down in Iowa.

Sunday is show number three. I go back down to the theatre and I stake out a new spot in the parking lot. I am positioned with a clear line of vision for both doors. Not going to run the risk tonight of missing her. It is cold and damp out. As it gets darker it just gets colder. I wait, and wait, and wait. I look over to my right as I’m sitting on this dirty curb and I see a few pairs of underwear. Apparently the Alanis concert must have been quite a night for some people. I wait and wait and wait some more. I feel like Linus sitting out in pumpkin patch waiting for The Great Pumpkin to arrive. I am miserable and cold. Then I see this African American woman walk past me. She gives me the dirtiest look I’ve seen in years. She is wearing old jeans and a red sweatshirt with a red jacket tied around her waist. I would have mistaken her for a homeless woman except she has really expensive looking red framed eyeglasses and her hair is impeccable. I think she might be working with the theatre or something. More waiting followed by even more waiting. All of a sudden a huge black SUV with tinted windows pulls up and Kathy Griffin has arrived. The “homeless” woman runs down the ramp to the stage door in front of the SUV. I run over and I see Kathy Griffin getting out the vehicle and quickly moving into the theatre. Then I see the “homeless” woman video taping Kathy. Kathy waves, I hear her say “hi” and it’s over. Insane. After the show, I go back out the stage door and the SUV is parked there and it’s running. There is one other woman there, waiting with a camera. She comes over to talk to me and I’m trying to shake her because she seems really crazy to me. All of a sudden the stage door opens and Kathy is jumping into the SUV. I’ve never seen anyone more so quick! So the SUV drives past us as it comes up the ramp. The woman next to me starts to pound on the car window and is yelling “KATHY! I LOVE YOU KATHY! “The SUV drives across the parking lot and she is running still screaming, arms flailing, camera flashing. She tries to get in front of the SUV to block them but they end up peeling out of the parking lot out onto Hennepin Avenue and they are gone into the dark of night. C-R-A-Z-Y!

Monday is the fourth sold out show. I have two shows left to meet Kath Griffin. Only two left! The first three have been a total bust. Sure…the nights have been adventurous with the whole lunatic pounding on the car, the nasty looks from the “homeless” woman, and the dirty underwear…but my Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D:List DVD is still unsigned!

Jenn meets me for the show and we are hanging out in the parking lot. I’ve giving her the rundown of the previous nights and we are hatching out plan of attack. As we wait in the parking lot I look across the street and I see Kathy’s SUV parked in the alley between the Chambers Hotel and a parking ramp. I stand there for a second and think…Kathy is staying at the Chamber’s Hotel. Literally across the street from the theatre. Not down the block, or around the corner…but across the street! ACROSS THE STREET! Then I see the driver come around the vehicle and it’s the same guy who drove Kathy the night before. So I quick look up to the penthouse level of the hotel. It’s really easy to see since the hotel is only five stories high and all the lights are on. Then I see a man walking around by the windows. A few minutes later I see a woman with huge hair near the windows. It’s Kathy and Tom! I cannot believe it. We are shocked! This is insane. Then we see Tom upstairs get on the phone and then the driver gets on the phone. They are talking to each other! After they are done the theatre employee who waiting by the stage door gets on his phone and we hear him say “ok, great. I’m waiting at the door. See you in a minute.” It’s almost time! Then we look back across the street and see the driver opening the door of the SUV and a few seconds later the side door of the Hotel opens and out steps Kathy Griffin and Tom and they get in and it drives off. No one has noticed. NO ONE! I am feeling like Angela Lansbury on “Murder She Wrote” only without a crime to solve. I am a genius. I cannot believe I have figured it all out and no one is aware. The theatre is sold out. 2,500 fans and she is literally across the street and everyone is clueless.

So we get the camera ready and I grab the DVD and sharpie marker. I go up to the guy working at the stage door and I tell him that I just have a DVD and camera and that it’s cool. He is fine with it and is actually really nice. I told him that I just wanted to make sure since the crazy woman pounded on the car last night that there won’t be any problems. He then tells me that CJ was there the night before videotaping Kathy as she arrived. The woman that I thought was homeless and crusty is actually CJ, the gossip reporter for the Star Tribune. Whoops!

A few minutes later the SUV pulls up and Jenn and I run down the ramp behind it. As the door opens and Kathy is getting out I say “Kathy will you sign your DVD?” She says sure and takes it and starts to autograph it. Then she asks me if I want to take a picture. Hell yeah! So Jenn takes a picture of Kathy and I and then Kathy asks Jenn if she wants a picture, so I take a picture of them. Then some other woman wants a picture so I take her camera and take the picture. All the while I’m talking non-stop to Kathy. I told her that I’m going to all five shows and that I loved the fact that she changes the material every night. She thanks me for going to all five shows and says that she has to change it up or else she would never get through it. More chit chat follows. It’s all a blur. Then she says and I quote “Well, since you are going to all the shows you better go in. After all I clearly can’t start the show without you.”

How awesome is that?

I didn’t go back to the stage door for the last show. It was cold and rainy and to be honest…my experience with her was great. I didn’t want to be disappointed and have the whole experience be ruined. I got her picture, I got her autograph, and I got to talk to her. I was a happy camper. She was so gracious and kind. She’s won two Emmy’s, is a comedy Icon, and has a hit TV show and she asks me if I want a picture. Unreal.

There it is. My third Kathy Griffin adventure. Each one more memorable than the last. Oh, almost forgot. I was recognized twice by people that have seen me perform. That was nice. They have seen me do stand up comedy and improv around town. It was on two different nights. Always surprises me when that happens. Hopefully I’m doing something right!

Suck it haters!

Be careful what you wish for
'cause you just might get it
You just might get it
You just might get it

(This post was written on October 8th, but just published today.)

Meeting Jewel

2008-10-20T11:14:00.001-05:00

Jewel and Me!

Yes, I am wearing a western shirt. I did it for Jewel.

Last Friday Becca and I headed to the Minnesota State Fair to see Jewel perform at the Grand Stand. The very moment I set foot on the fairgrounds I was done. Too many people, too much crap everywhere, too little room to move. The State Fair is over excessive in every sense of the word. Becca loves it. I hate it.

My awesome co-worker Mary arranged for us to get a Meet & Greet Pass to go backstage before the show and meet Jewel. This is my second time meeting her. The first time I met Jewel was a few months ago back at the K102 radio station. She came in to do some promotion for her new CD that was about to be released.

I was sitting at my desk working (well, let’s be honest…I was surfing the net and blogging) when Jewel arrived. She walked off the elevator and Mary introduced us. There is a huge awards case behind my desk. Jewel said that there are a lot of awards. I looked at her and said “Yes, there are. I’m a pretty good receptionist.”. So we talked for a few moments and she went off to a meeting. A little while later I went back to the performance space to watch her perform for the show. It was awesome. She sang a few songs, told some hilarious stories, and gave a great interview. It was a riot. Then she did an autograph signing and took some photos. While in line I was mistaken yet again for being Crisco. Apparently to the entire world Crisco and I could be twins. I don’t see it. But, I think for as long as I work here I will be mistaken for him. Oh well. It’s like we are the overweight male version of the Olson Twins. But, I’m the cute one. So would that make me Mary Kate or Ashley? Hummmm….anyway.

So I get up to Jewel and I have all of her CD’s in my bag. I crack open my bag and Mary looks at me and says, in front of Jewel….

MARY: Jason no! You can’t have her sign all your CD’s.
ME: I know Mary! I just want her to sign her favorite one.
JEWEL: (just looks at me. Wide eyed.)
ME: Hi Jewel. So which CD is your favorite?
JEWEL: Well, I like them all.
ME: (I move “Goodbye Alice In Wonderland” to the top of the pile and hand it to her.) Wow. That’s my favorite one as well.
JEWEL: (laughs) Well, how about every time I come to the station I sign a CD for you.
ME: Yeah…that would be awesome.
JEWEL: It might take us seven years, but we will do it.
ME: I will hold you to it.

Then we take a photo and I grab the CD’s and head back to my desk.

On her way out she passes by my desk and says goodbye and makes a joke about how we are best friends forever. I love my job.

So now standing backstage at the meet and greet I’m trying to think of something to say so she remembers me. There’s maybe twenty of us in line. I’ve got nothing. My wit is failing me big time.

Her management makes an announcement that Jewel has already signed pictures for us and that she won’t be signing anything else because they are running short on time, so it will be pictures only. Damn! I, of course, had all of her CD’s in my bag hoping she would sign one. Oh well, maybe next time. Jewel comes in and everyone smiles and waves. They start cranking through people like crazy. Walk up, pose, snap picture and you are done.

I’m nervous and still trying to think of something to say. Nothing. Ahhhh, my moment is about to slip away.

I walk up to her. Jewel smiles. I smile.

JEWEL: Hi. How are you?
ME: Great. How are you?
JEWEL: Good. Did you bring a CD for me to sign?
ME: Clearly you remember your favorite receptionist ever.
JEWEL: Of course.
ME: They said you’re not signing anything else.
JEWEL: I’ll sign it. Just wait for me over there and I’ll do when I’m done here.
ME: Awesome. So are you going to sing “Thump Thump” tonight.
JEWEL: No, they crowd doesn’t always get into it. It’s hard…
ME: Jewel! It’s my favorite song on the album!
JEWEL: How about the next time I come into the station I’ll sing it for you.
ME: Ok, but you know that I’ll hold you to it.
JEWEL: I have no doubt you will.
*take picture*

Then I grab my stuff and I go over to the side with Becca. Completely surreal. Jewel remembered me!

So she finishes up the meet and greet and I’m talking to Becca. She stops over to where we are standing and I give her the new CD to sign. Then Jewel says….

JEWEL: You should have brought them all. I would have signed them.
ME: Funny you should say that…because I did!
JEWEL: Well, let’s do it.

So I open my bag and grab the rest of the CD’s. Now, it was supposed to rain so I had the CD’s in a giant gallon Ziploc bag. Jewel and her manager are looking at me like I’m a nutcase. I feel stupid. Becca is laughing. So I then say…

ME: It was supposed to rain. I didn’t want you to get wet.
JEWEL: (laughing) Well, thanks. I appreciate it.

I open the CD’s, Jewel signs them, her manager closes them and puts them back in my bag, and Becca is busy taking photos.

Then out of the blue I say…

ME: Becca is thinking of moving to Alaska. (Becca looks at me horrified.)
JEWEL: (looks up and seems confused) Why?
BECCA: My friend lives there and I could teach.
ME: I keep telling her she shouldn’t go.
JEWEL: Where at?
BECCA: (says the name of the place, I don’t remember it to be honest.)
JEWEL: Is that one of the villages?
BECCA: Yes.

Then there is some more discussion about Alaska and the show. I don’t remember exactly what was all said. I’ll have to ask Becca for more details.

Jewel finishes signing the CD’s. My collection is complete. I got some fun photos. And most importantly Jewel did not approve of Becca moving to Alaska. Awesome!

The show is a lot of fun. Jewel is an outstanding talent and if you ever get a chance to see her…go do it!

(This post was from August 2008. Just published today.)

Sunday at the Zoo

2008-09-28T18:39:00.004-05:00

Isabella, Miguel, and Me at the Russian Bear Exhibit.

Miguel and Me in our hoodie sweatshirts. We could be twins. I spent the day with everyone calling me Miguel.

Isabella and a bear statue. So brave when it's not a real bear.

Isabella with a real bear swimming right infront of her. A few years ago while riding in the car Isabella looked over at me and said "You know...I don't like bears or alligators." and then she went back to watching her dvd. Random moment but it still makes me laugh...especially when she sees a bear.

Miguel in his carseat. Now that is one happy baby. And cute!

Sunday in the Park

2008-09-26T10:56:00.002-05:00

the year of nineteen hundred ninety-seven

2008-08-17T23:01:00.003-05:00

tonight watching tv
cold case
used the songs of
sarah mclachlan circa 1997
whom i adore
for the story
of a murdered homeless mother and her two daughters left behind

the soundtrack to my life
in 1997 was
surfacing by ms. mclachlan

1997
the year…
i graduated college
directed grease the musical
moved to new york
worked at the rosie o’donnell show
did stand up comedy for the first time ever

1997
a fish out of water
small town boy in the big city
never felt so free
yet
so alone
in my entire life

1997
saw with my own eyes
the power of celebrity
how the other half lives

1997
madonna
in the flesh
on the red carpet
for the vma awards
the other side of the velvet rope
ray of light
the renaissance approaching
behold i am coming soon

1997
a year of goodbyes
a year of hellos
endings
beginnings
hope rising
fear creeping in
devastating in so many ways
chasing the dream
so close yet so far
story of my life

1997
on a bus
leaving the city nightly
for home
a mattress
on my sister’s living room floor
listening to
surfacing by sarah mclachlan
on my headphones
comfort from a stranger
hoping it would all be worth it
in the end

1997
a year that changed my life
for better or worse
forever

And fate has led you through it
You do what you have to do
And fate has led you through it
You do what you have to do

I have the sense to recognize
That I don’t know how to let you go…

"Do What You Have To Do" by Sarah McLachlan

Confession of the Day!

2008-08-07T13:36:00.002-05:00

Today I was at the urinal about to start doing my business and a co-worker walked up and started to use the urinal next to me. Dammit. Granted there are only two urinals and it's not like I expected him to use the sink or anything like that...but still...it still made me uncomfortable. After a few seconds I zipped up and left and waited to use the bathroom after he was done. I had to go so bad. Seriously. I wandered around the office with my legs crossed. It wasn't pretty, I almost had an accident.

I hate community bathrooms. I hate them almost as much as centipedes and onions.

Confession of the Day!

2008-08-06T14:28:00.001-05:00

I am a total procrastinator. I’m in denial about that fact that I’m a procrastinator. I have no one else to blame about my lack of a career in stand up comedy other than myself. Do I have the talent to do it? Yes. The question is…am I motivated enough to do it? I need to get my ass in gear. Big time.

Confession of the Day!

2008-08-05T11:48:00.002-05:00

I used to hate country music more than anything else in this world. But, now I enjoy it quite a bit. Granted, I don't like all of it. But, the majority of it I can at least listen to and most of it I dig.

Country roads...take me home....

Confession of the Day!

2008-08-04T11:10:00.002-05:00

I don't like all my friends. Sometimes I feel like I only talk to them out of obligation rather than an actual desire to be friends. Maybe it's me. Maybe it's them. Maybe I'll feel differently in an hour or so. But, right now, this very second...I don't like some of my friends at all.

Confession of the Day!

2008-08-01T14:07:00.001-05:00

So…I hate eating at other people’s houses. I never accept dinner invitations from my friends. Ever. I’m such a picky eater and they always make something that I don’t eat. Then I spend the night trying to pick through the food, shuffling it from side to side, and spreading it out really thin on the plate so it looks like I ate most of it. All the while trying really hard to not seem rude…while starving to death. NIGHTMARE.

I’ll go out to eat with you. I just won’t eat at your house. Crazy, huh?

Your turn. Confess…

Confession of the Day!

2008-07-31T09:56:00.003-05:00

So I have decided that each day there should be a new confession...since the blog is called "Confessions of a Local Celebrity". Only makes sense, right?

Now these confessions can be hilarious, sad, serious, frivolous, entertaining, boring, scandalous, joyful, or heartbreaking. The only rule is that it MUST be true. Nothing made up or false.

So...the confession for today is....

I actually bought "sTORI telling" - the autobiograhy of Tori Spelling on Monday. It's filled with juicy bits about her family (especially her mom) and growing up as probably one of the richest kids in America as well as crazy behind the scenes info on her tv show "Beverly Hills 90210". I bought it at Target and the book is pink. Yes, pink. No lie. It's the gayest book I own.

Now it's your turn....I'm waiting!

thirty four

2008-07-18T16:42:00.001-05:00

thirty-four years
strange in so many ways
feeling younger
feeling older
depends on the day
age is just a number – so they say

it never is what i think
it will be or should be
a birthday

always reflective
july eighteenth
missing what was
hoping for what can be
trying to be ok with
what is

melancholy
seems to be the
state of affairs lately

the desire for more
is relentless
the soul craves
what is missing
the heart wants
what it wants

the burning
the pull
a primal urge

thirty four years of lessons learned
thirty four years of mistakes made
thirty four years of opportunities seized
thirty four years of doors closed
thirty four years of sadness unearthed
thirty four years of happiness found

hearing the call
nothing left to lose
i am on my way

i have the scars
a map of where i’ve been
to guide my journey

night

2008-07-16T16:21:00.000-05:00

i haven’t seen the stars
for weeks
never out past dark
it seems

clouds block my view
on the rare occasion
i find myself
facing opposite of earth

i’ve always gravitated
towards the night
preferred over the day
always

moon and stars and distant planets
magical
mythical
you can see the light in the dark

in college
i took an astronomy course
the awe of it all and my sense of wonder
started to fade
so i left

i defiantly choose mystery
over the science and facts
every time
without question

to me there is no soul in science

many moons ago
in the family car
standing and holding on to the dashboard
i wildly rename the stars
as my grandma witnesses
little me controlling the universe
a symphony conductor without a wand
fearless

now as another year
lived
comes to a close
i search the dark sky
for the light of the north star
to guide my way

instinct fails
my compass is broken
north south east west
it all feels the same
sadly

stumble
fall
reach
grasp
in the dark

RuPaul

2008-07-02T16:18:00.003-05:00

I have one thing to say, sashay shante, shante, shante, shante!

Soon I will be losing my $#!* and going B-A-N-A-N-A-S.

My shock and horror at the couple next to me getting "freaky" in the club. I think they were confused and thought they were at Usher's concert.

Here I am with the skank guy. That's also the back of his skank girlfriend's head. Yes, Virginia...skanks do exist.

Supermodel…you better work. Work!

So goes the catchphrase from the camp classic “Supermodel” by RuPaul. And work it we did! Saturday night a group of us caught the outrageous performance by RuPaul and The Village People and it was an absolute blast. I honestly don’t remember having that much fun in a long, long time.

The night started with Becca and I supporting our friend Rachel by seeing her latest theatrical endeavor. It was an amusing play. I read a review before hand that had made a few backhanded compliments, so I knew what to expect. Pretty accurate for the most part. It was a fun show…I think the script needed to be developed more, but most of the actors did a great job. All in all a good time.

Afterwards Becca and I headed over to downtown Minneapolis to grab some food before the show. We ended up eating at Pizza Luce, which is always delicious. Since I seem to be unable of going anywhere without running into someone I know, I shouldn’t have been surprised to see one of my co-workers stumble in and pull up to the bar by himself. I successfully avoided any and all contact despite him talking to the teenagers in the booth right next to me. I should be a secret agent of a top military branch or something like that. I am good at blending into my surroundings. I’m like a chameleon. Only, I’m not a reptile, I’m a human. I’m a human chameleon.

After avoiding drama at Pizza Luce we headed over to the club. Yeah, the mean streets of Minneapolis don’t scare us. No fear in the hood. On the way there, I got a call from Tyler and of course he is running late. Never fails. Nothing ever goes according to plan with him. So Becca and I headed in without them. It’s a nice club, but it’s pretty small. I was really surprised to see how tiny it was. Oh well, less of a crowd to fight through then.

First they had a swimsuit fashion show. A capital G to the R to the O followed by a double S in the rear! GROSS! I think I caught syphilis from looking at a few of the “models”. Cripes they were nasty. There is not enough spray tan and glitter in the world to cover up open sores. *dry heave* After the “show” and taking a few minutes to recover, Jason Mathison from Fox 9 News took the stage with Wanda Wisdom (apparently a well known Drag Queen or really manish woman – I’m not sure) to host the event. They should have scripted out their banter because neither of them were even a tiny bit witty or amusing. But…so it goes. We were all there for RuPaul and The Village People anyway.

After the disastrous swimsuit show and stupid attempts at humor by the hosts, Cazwell took the stage. I still don’t know if he was a serious artist or part of some brilliant joke. The best way to describe him is a gay Weird Al doing a parody of the rapper the Fresh Prince in the late 80’s. Google him or YouTube him and you will see what I mean. If it was serious I am horrified, if it’s a joke I bow down to it’s awesomeness.

Up next was Oryon. Ugh. I’m pretty sure he is sleeping with the booking agent or there is some serious blackmail going on. He was one of the worst performers I have ever seen in my life. And, truth be told, I have seen some shitactular performers over the years. It was just bizarre. He looks like AJ Carter and acted like a boy band member only without a boy band. There were these “living statues” back up dancers and some serious lip-syncing going on. I turned back to my friends and said “This guy is really horrible” just as another guy was passing by. The guy that was passing by stops and says “Hey, he’s my friend.” So of course I get busted for ragging on the douche bag on stage. But so it goes. I should have known better. That sort of thing happens to me all the time. One would think that at some point I would learn my lesson and just keep my mouth shut…but nope…never do. But, for the record…he really was terrible.

Then there was some more witless banter by Jason Mathison and Wanda. So painful! And then finally RuPaul takes the stage and the place goes insane. Seriously the energy level shot through the roof. It was wild. I had so much fun. The whole place went bananas. Everyone was trying to get to the edge of the stage (which, by the way, I was right at the front), people were dancing like crazed fools, and the screams were deafening. Of course the finale was “Supermodel” and I lost it. So I am singing and dancing like a complete nerd and RuPaul comes over and sees me. Then we look at each other and sing a whole verse together and once we get to the chorus RuPaul starts to laugh. I’m sure RuPaul was thinking “who is the fat little cracker in the front of the stage at my show that knows my song?”. It was so much fun.

Surprisingly after RuPaul performed the crowd thinned out. It was pretty late and I guess people were exhausted, because for The Village People it was about half full. I was fine with that. I was hot as hell and the room to move was greatly welcomed. Plus, when you do the YMCA dance you really need the space. Of course they did some of their staples…”Macho Man”, “In the Navy”, and “YMCA”. I must admit, there is something strange about doing the YMCA dance with The Village People. I suppose it’s similar to doing the chicken dance with a real chicken. Pretty surreal.

The crowd at the club was really interesting. There were a couple of pretty old guys that belonged to the North Star Gay Rodeo Association or something like that. Basically it was an old version of “Brokeback Mountain” complete with the huge cowboy hats, giant belt buckles, and denim shirts. I would guess they were in their 60’s at least. The only time I saw them do anything but stand there was when they played Madonna’s “Give It 2 Me” in-between acts. Then those cowboys got their boot scootin’ boogie on. Yee Haw!

Some random guy named Jeff was hitting on Justin. I’m a fan of awkward moments in life, so I enjoyed watching that. He seemed kind of rude in a dirty, skankish kind of way. My favorite moment with Jeff was when Jason Mathison from Fox 9 News came barreling through the crowd and grabbed him by the arm and hauled him away. My guess is that they are a couple or at least getting it on, and Jason was not happy with him hitting on other guys. I wanted to follow them and watch the drama unfold but then I would have lost my sweet spot at the front of the stage. Damn it! Jeff later resurfaced and would not confirm that him and Jason were an item. He would only say that he knew him. I said “from where? Craigslist?” and that did not go over well at all.

Finally the best for last.

There was this skank couple in-between me and the Brokeback Cowboys. She must have been in her mid forties and was a trashy version of the “The Housewives of Orange County” and he must have been upper 40’s and really short. Now for most of the night they were bumping and grinding and making out…only stopping every now and again for a quick trip up to the bar for more booze. They were out of control and became the punch line on the dance floor with everyone making cracks about them. Finally, I looked over and I saw him pulling up her skirt and sliding her underwear down. I couldn’t believe it. So I tapped them on the shoulder and the conversation went like this…

ME: Umm…you do know that you’re not alone. There are other people here.

HIM: Yeah, we know.

ME: Just checking…because I can see what you are doing and so can everyone else here. See everyone watching in horror and disgust?

HIM: Well, we gotta give them something to watch in-between the acts.

ME: Ok then. (to her) You do know that you are probably going to end up walking out of here pregnant, right?

HER: (laughs)

ME: And I’m pretty sure that the odds are pretty high that if your getting banged while watching RuPaul in the middle of the club during the Pride Festival that the baby is going to be gay.

HER: (laughs)

ME: (to him) And you just better be a really good shot because I don’t want any stains on my shoe.

HIM: Nahh, man. It’s all good. Nothing is going on.

ME: Yeah…sure. So I take it you two met in line tonight waiting to get in.

HER: (laughs)

ME: Well, I didn’t think I needed to bring a full body condom tonight and I would like to go some STD free, so can you just cool it down some. Thanks.

HER: (laughs)

They were so completely gross…words can not describe the white trash ranking on this couple.

So there it is. One hell of a wild night.

Of course with everything good in this world, there is the flip side and evil rears it’s ugly head. After getting home and being exhausted, I showered and headed to bed. As I sat on my bed at 3:30 AM and looked up, I saw a %^$@#&*%^$ centipede on my #$%^&$%^#@ wall. But, that is a whole other blog post. I hate centipedes. God, do I hate centipedes.

You better work!

Meeting Jessica Simpson Again.

2008-06-27T14:13:00.000-05:00

Jessica Simpson came into the K102 studios on Monday to do some promotion for her new country album. I love Jessica. I have all her albums and I even have Newlywed’s on DVD. Yes, I am a fan. I can say it loud and proud!

Mary and I waited downstairs for her. After standing there for a few minutes, they arrived and it was difficult for me to contain my excitement. One of two things happen when I meet someone famous…either I get really giddy and say something incredibly stupid or I get really wide-eyed and quiet. This time I was quiet. Mary and I greeted them and did quick introductions. Jessica gave me a hug. Yes, you read that right…I got a hug from Jessica Simpson. I’ll give you all a moment to stew in your jealousy.

*Sits and hums “Come on Over” (the new Jessica Simpson single).*

Ok…ready to hear the rest of the story?

So we hop into the elevator and shoot up to our floor. We head down to the studio and I get to sit in and listen to the interview (which can be heard on the K102 website) and it’s good. The interview covers topics all over the map ranging from the new album, the “9 to 5” ordeal, to the tabloid rumors, and mosquitoes. Unfortunately, I had to head back downstairs because of a meeting. I hate it when work gets in the way of hanging out with famous people. Ugh.

After a little bit, Mary calls and tells me to come back up if I want to have a picture taken with Jessica. So I grab my camera and fly back upstairs. Who doesn’t want their picture taken with Jessica? Uhhh…no one...that’s who. Now, the last time she was here two years ago I had my picture taken with her, and yes – truth be told, it was my screen saver on my computer for months. I printed out the photo as an 8 x 10 and brought it along with me for her to autograph. Smart, I know.

I get up to the production studio and I hear music being played really loud. So I stand by the door for a moment and then Mary opens the doors tells me to come in. Here they are listening to her new album that doesn’t come out until September. Are you kidding me? I’m in a private listening party for Jessica Simpson? It’s just her, her friend, the record label rep., our program director, Mary, and myself. Unreal. Jessica is sitting there singing along to the CD and everyone is just listening and enjoying it. It sounds really great. It’s going to be an amazing album. She is the new Shania Twain…easily. It’s going to be a huge album.

So now it’s time for her to go and I tell her about how she was here the last time and we took a photo and ask her if she will sign it. She says of course she will sign it. As I’m pulling out the picture from the folder I look at her and say “Ok, be warned. We are really cute in this picture.” She looks at me and then looks at the picture and says “Wow! We are really cute!” And we talk about her hair and I told her that it doesn’t matter because she always looks good and we laugh. We laugh like we’ve been friends for years.

Finally she stands next to me to take a new picture. Then her friend says to hold on a minute because her bra is showing. I look at her and say “Well you gotta fix that because this ain’t that kind of photo.” We laugh some more and take the picture. It turned out pretty good. I have to get it printed yet…maybe tonight. Then Mary says that the next time she comes back she will have to sign that one as well. Jessica agreed. Awesome.

Then as we were all leaving I quickly said my good bye and she said it was nice to see me again. She is so nice. I “heart” Jessica Simpson. I don’t care what anyone says about her. She is seriously a riot. Crazy but true.

Seen at the Deli

2008-06-24T16:19:00.001-05:00

On Friday I was down at the deli on the ground floor in the building I work in. It’s super expensive…nothing like giving your right arm for a sandwich, but sometimes you just give in and pay for the convenience.

As I walked in I noticed this woman standing in line to pay. She lit up when she saw me. A grin from ear to ear. Immediately I knew what was coming. I tried not to look at her and pretended not to notice. I could tell she wanted to talk to me. As I tried to quickly walk past her she blurted out “I think you’re really talented.” I stopped and turned back to her and said “I’m sorry, but I’m not Crisco.” I get it all the freakin’ time. I work for Clear Channel and we have seven radio stations. One of which is KDWB. Crisco is one of the sidekicks on the Dave Ryan Morning Show. Basically he is the guy they send out to do all the really stupid stuff. One of his more infamous stunts was eating cheese off of someone’s ass crack. Of all the people in the world to confuse me with, why do I need to be mistaken for a guy who eats cheese off of people’s asses? Christ. Anyways…we are both big guys and we do kinda look alike in a weird way, so it happens all the time. After working here for two years I’m used to it. The woman looks at me and says “I know that. I’ve seen you perform stand up a few times and I think you are hilarious.” I could have died on the spot. I felt like such a jackass. Seriously. But, to be honest, being recognized at D. Brien’s Deli for my stand up comedy is pretty weird. So we talked for a few minutes and I explained how I’m always mistaken for Crisco and how people don’t believe that I’m not him and we laughed about it. Then as I was walking away she was telling the people she was with how funny I am and totally talking me up. Sweet. So I went and stood by the coffee machines so I could overhear her. It was awkward because I don’t drink coffee.

She was really nice and if she is reading this by chance…thank you for saying hi. It made my day. Stand up comedy is hard and many times a performer becomes filled with self doubt and moments like that keep you going. Thank you.

So there it is. My first truly “out of the blue recognized by a fan in public moment” and I blew it. Dammit.

lost

2008-06-19T14:57:00.002-05:00

I have been listening to this song non-stop since Tuesday. Words cannot express how much I love this song. Amazing.

Lost
by Coldplay

Just because I'm losing
Doesn't mean I'm lost
Doesn't mean I'll stop
Doesn't mean I will cross

Just because I'm hurting
Doesn't mean I'm hurt
Doesn't mean I didn't get what I deserve
No better and no worse

I just got lost
Every river that I've tried to cross
Every door I ever tried was locked
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off...

You might be a big fish
In a little pond
Doesn't mean you've won
'Cause along may come
A bigger one
And you'll be lost

Every river that you tried to cross
Every gun you ever held went off
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the firing starts
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off…

Miguel

2008-06-18T08:46:00.003-05:00

Welcome to the world Miguel!

My nephew was born on May 20, 2008.

Echo

2008-06-16T16:57:00.002-05:00

I love this song. It is brilliant.

“Echo” – Cyndi Lauper, Bring Ya To The Brink.

Woke up to the clock
What knob makes it stop
Time to be aware
Time to just be there
You go, go , go, go
I go, go , go, go
Conversations rare
Trail off in the air
Echo, echo, home, home

All that rolls our way
Wheels that time will play
Happiness grows back
Heartache leaves a scratch
You go. go, go, go
I go, go, go, go
Every place I go
Never told you so
Echo, echo, home, home

All of my days, all of my life
Standing by you
All of my days, all of my life
I will find you
All of my days, all of my life
Standing by you
All of my days, all of my life
Landing next to you

When you're on the top
Notice what you've got
I will be your frail
When your on the trail
You go. go, go, go
I go, go, go , go
Every thing you know
Everywhere you go
Echo, echo, home, home

All of my days, all of my life
Standing by you
All of my days, all of my life
I will find you
All of my days, all of my life
Standing by you
All of my days, all of my life
Landing next to you

All of my days, all of my life
Standing by you
All of my days, all of my life
I will find you
All of my days, all of my life
Standing by you
All of my days, all of my life
Landing next to you

All of my days
I will find you

I go from the top
You go from the top
Once more ‘til we try
Never like to stop

crash

2008-05-28T16:25:00.000-05:00

My computer crashed last week.

Damn it all to hell.

Computer suck big time.

A pile of metal, plastic, chips, and cords that no longer works.

I will try to update the blog tomorrow at work.

Until then. Be well.

Jewel and Me!

2008-05-14T12:18:00.004-05:00

Jewel and Me!

Yes, her hands are small, but they are her own!

Me and all my Jewel CD's. Yes, I'm a superfan. I "heart" Jewel!

Jewel performing live on K102. I'm pretty sure she was singing to me.

Jewel once again performing live. This is me trying to not get kicked out.

Dierks Bentley and Me!

2008-05-14T11:44:00.003-05:00

Direks Bentley and Me!

(I'm on your right.)

fri ends

2008-05-08T00:55:00.000-05:00

dolly in concert
amazing
country music fan or not
you cannot deny
the woman is an
icon
deservedly so

i went by myself
no one i knew wanted to go
it reminded me of when i worked in
new york city
for the rosie o’donnell show
impossible to make real friends
in the fake world of showbiz
hug kiss kiss call me
all lip service
i did everything
concerts, broadway shows, comedy shows, movies
alone
and i was fine with it

as i watched her on stage
this living legend
i was moved and inspired
to be more than I am

seven months ago
i walked with her down a hallway
talked with her about Boy George
dolly knew my name
all so surreal
but real
the photo of her and i
evidence that it did really happen

my mom loved dolly
she got such a huge kick out of her
i said when I found out I was going to meet dolly
“if my mom was alive she would simply die.”
odd but true

today at work
a conversation
took a right when it should have taken a left
remarks were spoken
that caught me off guard
and left me feeling raw

three years ago when my mom died
my world changed
friendships were tested and strained and damaged
nothing is the same
most have fallen by the wayside
neither side really seems to care
or bothers to acknowledge that it’s over
very few remain

i still invite them to my shows
because it’s safe
an illusion of a connection
in a crowd
too much commotion
to hear the silence between us
some come, some do not
it makes no difference really
i guess
it is what it is

a few years ago
in college
a friendship was broken
and almost withered away
my friend…whom i adored
said to me in an poor attempt at reconciliation
“When we weren’t friends, I was mad that I blew my only chance to be friends with someone who could be famous.”
there it was
not a “I missed you” or “I’m sorry”
but rather a
“If you ever became someone of worth, I would have regretted it.”

losing my mom
almost destroyed me
i’ve kept my distance
from most people since then
the risk of caring
and losing again
simply too great
you don’t miss what you don’t know
you don’t hurt if you don’t feel

upstairs
in an office
of someone i got along with really well
someone i thought i was willing to take a risk with
and trust
and actually be friends with
or so i thought
the words dropped in conversation
“it’s not like we’re friends”
spoken by him and heard by me
as i sat there thinking what the hell
then the knock out phrase
moments after the first punch
“You ever have that awkward moment where you are giving clues to someone that you are done with the conversation but they just don’t get it? Has that ever happened to you before?”
as he turns away and starts to work
ding the bell goes off
the referee declares a winner
not so subtle hint taken
as i exit
dismissed like a child

standing ovation
and deafening cheers
of love and adoration
for dolly
as she left the stage

maybe some people
are only worth something
if they are famous
after all

salad = death

2008-05-06T14:41:00.000-05:00

I ate a salad today at work for lunch. It was miserable. Yet another bid for a healthy lifestyle that was a test of character. How do people love salads? I just don’t get it. I felt like I was chomping on a bunch of crap that I found out in the woods. Not that lettuce grows in the woods…but you get what I mean.

I ate it. I wasn’t happy about it. But, it didn’t kill me…yet. My stomach hurts really bad. I’m sure it was too much of a shock to my system. I should have warned my stomach by eating a few carrot sticks first. Like a “Hey buddy…here…try this on for size. In a few minutes hell is going to break loose and you will be full of leaves, and grass, and twigs, and roots. Good luck!”

I’ll probably go down in history as the first person to die from eating a salad.

after all these years...still in love with kathy griffin

2008-04-28T14:12:00.003-05:00

I got my tickets this weekend for Kathy Griffin!

I am so excitied, I cannot wait. She's not coming until October 3rd, which seems like forever. But, hey...at least she's coming! I have it marked on the calendar already and I have my tickets to both shows. Yes, you read that correctly...BOTH shows. She is doing two back to back shows in one night. AWESOME.

The countdown begins...only 158 days to go!

three years

2008-04-17T23:49:00.003-05:00

at work. part one.

2008-03-25T19:22:00.003-05:00

This was filmed on March 14, 2008.

at work. part two.

2008-03-25T18:26:00.000-05:00

This was filmed on March 14, 2008.

Stupid Arm.

2008-03-24T16:53:00.004-05:00

I am really behind in the blogging schedule. Ugh. Really. Behind. Wow.

I hurt my shoulder pretty bad last week. I ended up going to UrgentCare twice in one day. Then the pain was so bad that I was popping painkillers left and right as if they were candy. I took somewhere between 32 and 36 pills over the course of the day on Thursday. It was a bad day. A really bad day.

Fast foward...

Now it's Monday, I'm back at work but my arm still hurts like hell and I stopped taking the pain pills yesterday (Sunday) morning in an attempt to get my head out of the fog. Wow. Thursday through Sunday are a big blur. I don't remember much. Well, I remember sleeping...and that is about it. Actually I remember a lot of sleeping.

I will try to update the blog in the next day or two and get everything caught up. A lot has been going on, so much to fill everyone in on. Wild.

Hang in there. You never know... the next post might just be from rehab! Whoo Hoo!

I Give Love A Bad Name...

2008-03-19T14:32:00.001-05:00

Tonight Becca and I are attending the Bon Jovi concert over in St. Paul at the Xcel Energy Center. It should be a wild night. I am expecting a lot of stonewashed denim jackets, big hair, and some good old fashioned rock n roll attitude. Are you ready to rock? Hell yeah!

I’ve had “Wanted Dead or Alive” stuck in my head for the past few days. I might just start answering the phone by singing “Cause I’m wanted…dead or alive…on a steel horse I ride…How can I help you?” I’d probably get fired, but it would be hilarious.

Other than that…nothing else new. I finally finished my “work” so now I can just putz around for the rest of the day at work. I should post my old blog entries that I haven’t put up yet. In fact, that’s exactly what I’m going to go and do.

Tomorrow I will have a full Bon Jovi report in all it’s sheer awesomeness. Until then…

Winter's Last Stand

2008-03-18T14:46:00.002-05:00

Winter has made it’s last stand. Overnight we got a bunch of snow and I woke up this morning to a winter wonderland. I’m not happy about it, but I’m also not suicidal since it’s rather pretty. It’s the kind snow that sticks to every little branch of a tree, to the street signs, and to lampposts. This is the kind of snow I love to look at. But, honestly…I am so tired of winter. This winter seems to be never ending. A couple of days ago everything felt like spring. The sun was out, the snow was melting leaving and giving us the first peeks at the grass that hasn’t been seen in months, and you could go outside without your heavy winter coat. Now it feels like it was all just a dream.

Winter just drains me. I need to move somewhere that doesn’t really have a winter. I enjoy spring, summer, and fall. But winter…not at all. I wonder where that place exists? The land with no winter. That sounds like a movie. Now that sounds like a dream come true. But, I do love snow on Christmas and only Christmas. It can snow on the day before Christmas Eve and then melt on the day after Christmas. That would be perfect. Christmas wouldn’t seem right without snow. The thought of Christmas in Florida seems bizarre to me. Blinking lights on a palm tree. Weird.

Anyways…this is a longest day ever. I’m going to lose my mind. I am so bored. I have some work I should do but it’s hard to get motivated. My ambition is frozen. Just like the world I live in.

I'm Still Here.

2008-03-13T16:46:00.001-05:00

Sometimes time goes by way too quickly. A flash, a blink, a snap. Here and gone. I am shocked that this year has gone by so fast. We are already halfway through March. Amazing.

Things have been very hectic lately to say the least. I’ve been sick, got healthy, and got sick again. It’s a never ending cycle. I think it is due to the fact that I’m a receptionist and all day long I deal with people who are doing nothing but carrying germs to my desk. It’s like the movie “Outbreak” and I work with carrier monkeys. It’s not pretty. No matter how many times I swab down the desk with Lysol or spray the air, I keep getting ill. I totally understand now how people become germaphobes. I’m getting there myself. Another couple of weeks and I will be sitting a sanitized plastic bubble answering the phones and sorting faxes.

Work is the same. Nothing really new to report there. Maybe it’s the calm before the storm. Maybe it’s a case of “no news is good news”. I don’t know. I’m not complaining. I’m just riding the wave.

Four performances were on the schedule this week. It seems that it’s either feast or famine. I’ve hosted a comedy show in Wisconsin, did an improv show, did another comedy show, and I have “Last Laugh” tomorrow night. Good times. The shows have been going really well, which is great. I feel like I’m really hitting my groove with it.

Well, back to the grind. Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock.

See You Again

2008-02-21T14:58:00.001-06:00

Well, I suppose it was bound to happen sooner or later.

I was listening to the radio at work and I heard this song that had a kick ass retro 80’s feel to it. The opening kind of sounded like “I Wear My Sunglasses At Night” or something along those lines. I love all things from the 80’s, so this song caught my ear immediately. I don’t normally listen to our Top 40 station because, well, I get tired of the rap / hip hop pretty quickly. So I call upstairs to the DJ and I ask him what song he’s playing. He tells me it’s “See You Again” by Miley Cyrus. WTF? Immediately I felt dirty for going ape shit over a song from a 15 year old kid. Creepy. I immediately had flashbacks to buying Hilary Duff’s greatest hits CD and the cashier giving me shit. Whatever.

Apparently 33 year olds and 4 year olds love Miley equally. Isabella is crazy for the song as well. My sister was driving and they played the song on the radio. After it was over Isabella wanted to hear it again. Melissa had to explain it to her that it wasn’t a CD and that it was the car. Isabella responded with “I hate this car.” And then a few seconds later added “It’s stupid and it’s ugly.” Well there it is.

Now, I have a love-hate relationship with Miley. It used to just be hate…until I heard this song. Isabella goes crazy for Hanna Montana and since she is a super fan I have seen more episodes of that show than I want to ever admit. And when her concert movie was going to be released I did a humorous commentary on it for our country music station. Each week I do a “From The Trailer” review based only on a movie’s trailer. Well, for the Miley Cyrus one they were a little skittish about some of the jokes so I had to keep redoing it over and over and eventually it was all edited down to pretty much nothing.

Here are the unedited bits from that trailer review….

I’m actually really excited to see this movie. I can’t wait to see how they take someone who is so one dimensional and make them 3-D. There’s hope for Paris Hilton yet.

I do understand what she is going through. I too lead a double life. Receptionist by day, American Gladiator by night. But that all came to a screeching halt when I got my schedule mixed up and came to work in my spandex warrior outfit and tackled Muss when he tried to get some extra office supplies. Oh yeah…I brought the pain. No doubt about that. One word “GAUNTLET”, can you hear me Muss?

Tickets went for up to $2,500 for her concert. Heck, for $2,500 I’ll put on a wig and dress and jump around stage. Actually, who am I kidding…I’d probably do it for a bag of skittles. Hey we all have a price, I’m just really cheap.

Now, I’m not one to gossip but there were some interesting photos that surfaced on Perez Hilton’s website of Miley. I just hope that someone puts the kibosh on such behavior before the train pulls into Britney ville. Toot Toot, All aboard! Next stop rehab with continuing service to washed up career!

Poor Miley came under fire for using a body double in her concert. I would give my right arm for a body double. How awesome would that be? I’d send my body double to the dentist, or to family reunions, or make him sit through the “Miley Cyrus and Hanna Montana: Best of Both Worlds” concert film.

Billy Ray Cyrus had to audition for the role of her father on her hit TV show. He beat out such former stars including David Hasselhoff, Tom Selleck and Gary Coleman. But, almost lost the role to Alf whom producers felt had more believable father / daughter chemistry with Hanna. Fortunately for Billy Ray she had a no puppet clause in her contract.

They were worried that people would be offended and hate me. Can you imagine? Of all the things in my life that I have done and said…it’d be me bagging on Miley Cyrus that would cause my possible downfall. Hell…that is a sign of a messed up world.

Whatever.

I downloaded the song from iTunes. Sick I know. But, it’s a good song, I’m sorry to admit.

The Middle.

2008-02-20T10:08:00.000-06:00

The cold is almost unbearable. It really is. Today I was actually at work before the car heated up enough to blow more than anything other than cold air. It’s miserable. I’m always shocked when it’s this cold. I know it happens each and every year, but still…I must suffer from some sort of amnesia because when it happens I’m totally surprised. Soon it will be over...well, until next year and then I will probably blog again about how surprised I am by the cold.

I was down at the deli in building where I work this morning getting a muffin for breakfast and they were playing Debbie Gibson’s “Only in My Dreams”. I miss the 80’s. I love the 80’s. Life seemed to be full of much more promise back then, and compared to the world we live in now, it was also much simpler. But, then again, it’s probably because I was a kid back then and I was just completely unaware of the world we live in. Ahhh…Duran Duran is now playing. “Rio”. Awesome. One of our HD radio stations at work is KOOL 1080’s. It’s one of my favorites.

So I have decided that I will weigh myself on Wednesdays. I’m going to call it the Wednesday Weigh In. I’ve lost two pounds. Do I look the same? Will my friends recognize me? Eh, it’s a loss…that is all I care about. It has to start somewhere, right? Tonight I will be back at the gym. I don’t mind working out. But, I am just so tired lately. I’ve been thinking about going to the doctor and get checked out for a sleep disorder. It’s not normal to be as tired as I have been lately. As soon as I wake up I think to myself how long until I can go back to sleep. That’s not normal.

My co-worker just walked in. I guess she was on vacation. I didn’t even realize she had been gone. Awkward.

Well…back to work.

Stupid Woman Downstairs.

2008-02-17T09:26:00.000-06:00

I hate my neighbor. I hate her a lot. The woman that lives below me is quite possibly the dumbest woman alive.

Last night at 3:45 AM I was woken up because she was blaring loud music and had a mini-party raging. WHO THE HELL DOES THAT IN AN APARTMENT BUILDING??? What a moron. So I got up and was livid. It seriously woke me up out of a deep sleep. Immediately I thought about calling the cops, but then I thought that calling the police would be a pretty extreme jackass move on my part and the party broke up about fifteen minutes later. So the cops would have never gotten there in time anyways. Ugh.

So now I am just going to sit back and slowly plot my revenge on her. Maybe some night when I don't have to work the next morning I'll exercise above her bedroom at 2 AM, or maybe I will move some furniture at 5 AM, or maybe I'll drop marbles on the hardwood floor over and over and over for hours one night. I will have my revenge!

I. HATE. HER.

Beautiful Day

2008-02-16T21:09:00.000-06:00

I am exhausted. This entire day was spent walking. My legs hate me right now. HATE ME. I spent the day walking around the Minnesota Zoo with Isabella. She loves the zoo, as do I. It’s so much fun. I was disappointed though because the last two times I’ve been there the otters (which are my favorite) were sleeping, and once again…they were sleeping this time as well. Damn it. They have a new Minnesota trail open now which has raccoons, beavers, and a bald eagle among other animals. My dad would have gone ape shit for the bald eagle. He goes crazy for them. When we are driving somewhere he gets all excited when he spots an eagle flying. More than a few times he’s tried to take pictures of them which only turns out to be a little brown spec on a blue backdrop. Isabella could have cared less about the eagle, but she was a little freaked out by the owl. I don’t know where her fear of owls comes from, but she gets tense around them big time. In a way it’s sad, but in a way it’s hilarious. Evil I know.

After the zoo we headed over to the Mall of America. They were having the “2008 Knit Off”. All these ladies were frantically knitting when the Emcee yelled “go” and their families were cheering. It was bizarre. Very bizarre. All you could hear was the clacking of the knitting needles at a frantic pace. One woman collapsed and was surrounded by EMT’s. Apparently the slip-stitch was just too much for her to take. The place was packed, so I quickly lost interest in the mall.

It was a good day. On the car ride home Isabella looked at me and said that she had a beautiful day. Ahh, the little moments. Enjoy them while you can.

V Day

2008-02-14T22:41:00.000-06:00

Today is Valentine’s Day.

It’s a tough day overall. It was my mom’s favorite holiday. So while everyone is happy and smiling and laughing through the day, it’s just another day that’s a painful reminder of what I’ve lost. Not that a day goes by that I’m not reminded of her in some manner.

I worked out again today. It’s kind of fun in a strange way. Who knew?

Overall, everything has been really low key today. I watched “Survivor” tonight. I always love “Survivor” until it gets to the point where they are eating bugs and pig guts. Then I’m done. It’s just too gross for me to watch. So I’ll be a faithful fan until then, then I will switch back to “Smallville” and “Ugly Betty”. I feel like puking just thinking about it now. Ish.

Well, off to bed. Tomorrow will be a better day. Hopefully.

Work Out

2008-02-13T22:19:00.001-06:00

I worked out. I actually went to the gym and I worked out. I bet it’s cold in hell because it’s freezing over right now. Who would have thought? Damn.

This morning I weighed myself. Did you hear the screams as I flung my body over the side of the tub in a failed suicide attempt? I figured if it looked like an accident my family would still get the life insurance money. Apparently I suck at trying to kill myself because here I am blogging my fat little heart out. Damn it all. I’m not even going to tell you how much I weigh. But, I will say this…it is horrifying. Across the board grotesque. I feel like Jabba the Hut. No lie.

So I went to the gym. All day I was kind of excited to go to the gym (crazy I know) and also kind of dreading going to the gym. Nothing is ever black and white in my world. There is a lot of gray. My legs were pretty upset with me all day. I think they knew what was going to happen to them and they were not happy about it. I kept talking to my legs all day saying things like “it’s going to be alright.” “don’t worry guys, we’re in this together.” and “some day you will thank me for this.” It’s like when the dog knows it’s going to the vet, even though you never told him.

I did 10 minutes on the bike, 12 minutes on the treadmill, and 10 minutes on the elliptical machine. Not a grueling workout by any extreme but it was plenty for my first trip to the gym. I was fine on the bike. But, I started to get leg pains on the treadmill. And worst of all, I almost wiped out on the treadmill. I don’t recommend putzing around with your iPod while on a treadmill. That is a recipe for disaster. And then finally the elliptical. At about two minutes on the elliptical I wanted to die. Seriously. I thought the cleaning crew was going to find my slumped over body tomorrow morning. Then I got fired up and pushed through the pain and then at about seven and a half minutes I was back to being a wreck. But, I kept focused and kept going for the ten minutes. Now ten minutes is really nothing. I know that. But, let me tell you this…it’s one hell of a shock to the system when you go from being a complete slug to being a sexy beast of movement..

Afterwards when I got home I had quite a bit of energy. I did two loads of laundry, cleaned up the kitchen including all the dishes (which I hate doing), tackled the out of control mail pile, and cleaned up the living room.

My legs are killing me now. I’m heading to bed in a few minutes. I’m going to take some Tylenol and Advil and try to dull the pain so I can hopefully get some sleep. I love pills. Sick, huh? I do. I don’t care what it is…if it’s a pill I want to take it. I think that is why I love M&M’s and Skittles so much. They are in the shape of pills. I’ll probably end up having to go to rehab for my addiction to Tylenol and Advil, but hey…at least I’ll be skinny!

By the way…anyone watch “Project Runway” tonight? Don’t even get me started.

The Next Step.

2008-02-12T21:51:00.000-06:00

Next week are the auditions for “Last Comic Standing”. I’m debating about going down and auditioning. I’m fine with the auditioning part…it’s the standing outside in a line for hours and hours in the freezing cold that is making me have second thoughts. I don’t mind standing and waiting. But, I do mind freezing to death. This past week has been record lows. And I am talking lows. As in well below zero and wind chills hovering around -40. That is chilly and jokes don’t keep you warm. Plus, it’s really hard to perform when all your limbs have turned black and fallen off due to frostbite.

I want to do it though. Not that I think I would make it very far in the competition, because, well…let’s be honest…all the ones that advance are highly professional comedians. They all have had numerous specials on comedy central, they have been on the touring circuit for years, and they are pretty far along in their careers. They are hardly being discovered as “new and up and coming” as the show would have you believe. But, I do think it would be a great experience and offer some new insight into the business. Plus, knowing how my life works…I would probably get a few killer stories out of it. Something to think about. Always thinking.

Tonight I watched “The Biggest Loser”. I love that show. It makes me think that there is hope yet if you are overweight (which I am). I get so fired up for that show. I want to meet Bob and Jillian. I want to be friends with Bob and Jillian. I “heart” Bob and Jillian.

Tomorrow I might step on the scale. I took it out of the box tonight and put it in the bathroom. I hear it taunting me. “Come and step on me Jason….you know you want to…just do it….it won’t hurt…trust me, Jason”. But, I know it’s going to be gruesome and if I do it before bed, I won’t sleep at all. Tomorrow morning…maybe.

Eh.

2008-02-11T23:05:00.000-06:00

I bought a scale. I figured it’s time to bite the bullet and assess the damages. It’s not possible to fix a problem without knowing exactly what the circumstances are.

The scale is still in the box. I’m scared to take it out and face the truth of the situation.

Mondays are the worst day of the week, I think. I hate Monday’s. I hate everything about Monday’s. It was so hard to get out of bed this morning. This weekend was so cold. Just the thought of going outside makes my eyes bug out and gives me a slight heart attack. I hate winter almost as much as I hate Mondays.

I wonder if I have a seasonal disorder or something. I am always moody and depressed in winter. I have no energy to do anything. I don’t feel like blogging. I don’t feel like performing. I just want to sit on the couch and watch TV. I’m a mess.

By the way…I’m addicted to “American Gladiators”. How sad is that? I think Evan is going to sweep the competition.

The Simple Things

2008-02-10T21:58:00.000-06:00

Isabella with a donut and sprinkles and crazy hair. A perfect morning!

Questions

2008-02-10T21:43:00.000-06:00

Last night I was watching "Dirt" on F/X. I had never seen it before, so I was chilling on the couch catching the marathon. I love TV marathons. I can lay there for hours and hours...just like a slug.

Anyway...Isabella comes and sits next to me and we are talking. Then this guy starts going crazy on TV. She looks at me and asks..."What's wrong with him?" I said "He's on drugs. And they are making him crazy." She looks at me and her face gets really serious and she says "I don't want to be on drugs." I thought that is probably a smart move so I replied with "No, don't take drugs. Drugs are bad." After a few minutes, she looks at me and asks "Is uncle Jeremy on drugs?" I laughed and told her "No, I don't think so. Why?" And once again she gets dead serious and says "Because he is crazy."

Ahhh...the thoughts of a four year old.

And for the record, Jeremy is not on drugs. He is crazy though. No lie.

Hungry Like The Wolf - Meeting Simon LeBon

2008-02-06T22:43:00.000-06:00

Simon LeBon of Duran Duran and Me! International Rock Stars!

It’s not every day that you meet an international rock star that ruled the airwaves while you were growing up. Today I met Simon LeBon from Duran Duran. In the 80’s I was a massive Duran Duran fan. Their poster’s lined the walls of our basement TV room. In the 90’s they returned to my CD player with “The Wedding Album” featuring two of my favorite songs of all time “Ordinary World” and “Come Undone”. The greatest hits album is a classic, filled with hit songs. Much of my life has been spent with Duran Duran as the soundtrack.

I was told yesterday that Simon was making an appearance at Cities97 today. I went home and rounded up my Duran Duran CD’s and tried to figure out which one to have him autograph if I got the chance. I decided to go with “Red Carpet Massacre” their latest release.

Simon was supposed to arrive around 4:30ish, so I was shocked to see him standing in the lobby when I returned from my break at 3:45. He was about an hour early. There were a few minutes of silence as he patiently sat reading a book in the waiting room next to my desk. After about two minutes I couldn’t take it anymore and I started to talk to him. I said “Hello Simon, how are you today?” and he poked his head out from around the corner and said he was fine and asked how I was. Then he went back to reading. Well…since I think everyone is my best friend, I started talking some more and asking him tons of questions about the album and the band and upcoming plans. Eventually he just gave up on the book and came and stood at my desk so we could talk easier.

Then I told him that I really enjoyed the new album and said “Wow, what are the odds of this. I just happen to have “Red Carpet Massacre” right here. Would you sign it?” as I pulled the CD from under the counter. Simon laughed and said “Yeah, what ARE the odds of that? Sure. What’s your name?” and I told him my name and we talked some more. He signed my CD by writing “For Jason, Cheers, Simon LeBon” and he added a smiley face. HILARIOUS! I asked him if they are planning on touring and he said they are starting in May in Oz and then hitting North America over the summer. I looked at him and said “I hope Minnesota is on your map” and he said it was.

After a little while longer AJ came down to take Simon up to the studios. As he was getting into the elevator he looked back, waved, and said “Ciao, Jason”.

When Mark, the record label rep, arrived I told him that I wanted to get a picture taken with Simon. He said sure and for me to just come up and take it when I have a minute. So I called Sarah to cover the front desk and headed upstairs. Once upstairs I found Simon and Mark and our music director hanging out in the break room. As I walked in Simon looked at me and said hi and I responded with “Hi Simon, I’m back!” So Mark told him that I wanted a picture and Simon said sure and then suggested that we take it in front of the vending machines. So we are getting ready for the picture and Simon says that we should put our arms out in front of us. I thought it was funny so I did it. It’s a freakin’ classic picture. I love it. Then Mark said we need to do a regular one. So we took it and I looked like a complete idiot. So I said to Simon “Ummm, Simon, we need to take a new one. I look like I’m being electrocuted.” Simon looked at it and said “Bloody hell. I look fuckin fantastic in that picture. Just Photoshop it” I looked at him and said “Yeah, see Simon….this really isn’t about you. This is about me. It’s not every day that I meet an international…” Simon cuts me off and said “Careful now…rock star?” I laughed and said “Yes, rock star.” So we retake the picture and he asked if I was ok with it. I was. I told him that he will be my new screen saver on my computer. He laughed. I said “Well not everyone gets that honor. Right now it’s Dolly Parton.” He just looked at me and said “Ooooo…she’s a good one.” I laughed and said “I know.” And then I said goodbye and headed back downstairs.

Later when he was being interviewed by Brian Oake on Cities97 the tour was brought up and Simon said “And Minnesota is on our map”. Hello? Almost word for word with what I said to him earlier! Clearly I do have great influence on international rock stars. Awesome.

Simon Lebon Pictures

2008-02-06T22:32:00.000-06:00

Simon LeBon and Me!

I look like I'm being electrocuted...so I made him retake the picture. I was beyond starstruck.

Simon LeBon and Me!

Best friends for life!

Gross Moment

2008-01-24T11:28:00.000-06:00

Saturday was laundry day. I had just dumped out my freshly cleaned clothes from the basket onto my bed. I was picking through the pile and folding them while watching TV. I reached into the pile and pulled out a pair of black boxer brief underwear. Ummm…one small problem. I don’t wear black boxer briefs. GROSS! Someone’s underwear got mixed into my clothes in the laundry room. AAAGGGHHH! I suspect it was left behind in the dryer since I didn’t see it when I took my clothes out of the washer. Rude.

So I stood there thinking what am I gonna do with the underwear that clearly belongs to one of my neighbors. I thought well I could just throw them away and pretend it never happened. But, then I thought well that’s a not very neighborly thing to do. So I decided to just put them back into the laundry room and hopefully the owner of the underpants sees them and is like “Sweet. That’s my underwear” and takes them home. And we all pretend it never happened. The problem is that every time I’ve gone down to the laundry room there has been someone in there. I’m not going to leave them there with someone in there. I’d look freakin crazy. Or with my luck, rumors would start that I’m some sicko underwear thief returning to the scene of the crime. So now this stranger’s pair of underwear has been sitting on a box in my living room for the past 5 days like a bizarre trophy. Nothing is every easy. I’m just going to go and throw them away tonight when I get home. I’m down with the whole thing. I tried, I failed, I’m done. I’m a bad neighbor.

just another monday

2008-01-14T11:26:00.000-06:00

i sit here at work
watching house hunters on hgtv
my mom and i
used to watch this show
when she was sick

the host is suzanne whang
whang pronounced like wrong
and my mom would laugh
and say
two whangs don’t make a right
and i would laugh

i miss my mom
every second
of every day

on rosie’s blog
a blogger asked…
“if you could tell your mom one thing about your life now, what would it be?”
rosie said…
“happy had puppies”

i get it
i so completely and totally get it
the void left when the person dies
who knew you for your entire life
is unfillable and unfixable
it cannot be expressed or understood

it’s not just the major events of life
missed
it’s the little everyday moments
missed
that hurt more

most of the time
it still doesn’t seem to be real
almost three years later

i haven’t been able to write much lately
i feel stuck
in a rut
unable to shake free

i need a change
to find color
in the black and white

everything has become
routine
my life
my friends
my family
all the same

i’m still searching
to find
exactly where
i belong

how does one
reinvent
their life?

Baby I'm Burning - Vintage Dolly clips from the '80's

2008-01-10T11:20:00.001-06:00

Isabella's Birthday Party! Strike!

2008-01-07T14:46:00.000-06:00

This was from Saturday, December 8, 2007.

The moment before my self esteem hit the gutter.

Isabella turned four years old today. Amazing. I cannot believe it! I remember the day this little peanut was born and it seems like it was just yesterday.

She had her birthday party at a bowling alley. Now, I was prepared to dominate to game with my mad bowling skills. Yes, it's true. I was a junior leaguer for a couple of weeks in my youth. I definately know my way about a bowling alley. Well, sad to say....dreams were crushed today. Bowling is clearly not my forte. And my hand hurts. It's not easy being destroyed by four year old kids.

No Isabella...Princess Belle is not edible. Put the Princess down and back away from the table.

"Look into my eyes Uncle Jason...look into my eyes. You will give me your piece of cake. You are getting sleepy."

No one gets inbetween baby and her cake. No one!

Cake makes everything better!

Elevator Out Of Order: Part One. A Day of Reckoning!

2008-01-07T14:23:00.000-06:00

Upon leaving work on Wednesday, January 2, 2008 we were met with this ugly little sign that was posted on the elevators at work for the parking ramp. Now there were no other signs on display about this cruel twist of fate, no warning when we came into work that morning and parked in the great heights of the parking ramp, no nothing...just this little "you're screwed" piece of paper tacked up with scotch tape. (By the way...check the date on the note. Clearly the elevator should have been fixed by now or at least a new note with updated information.)

On Level 8 I wanted to die. I think I need to start making more healthy choices in my life. The air was starting to thin a little bit and my vision started to fade some.

Right when I was about to give up all hope and just sit down and wait to die Jamie and George came along on Level 10 to light the flame in me to keep fighting and to keep pushing on. Sadly we would not all make it to our desintation. Someone would be lost along the way.

I fell behind as we neared Level 12 and was left for dead. Would my cries for help be heard? Or would I be lost forever?

STAY TUNED....

Elevator Out Of Order: Part Two.

2008-01-07T14:11:00.000-06:00

Jamie lends a helping hand as I struggle to go the distance.

Unable to continue the epic hike up the 1600 Utica Parking Ramp, Jamie makes the ultimate sacrifice and tries to carry me to safety. Incase you were wondering what happened to George, well sadly we ate him on Level 10. Survival of the fittest.

Upon reaching Level 12 of the parking ramp, the air was so thin that I passed out. Much like Star Jones when she was in Denver before she started working out and doing pilates **ahem, bullshit, cough cough**.

Quick Catch Up!

2007-12-28T12:02:00.000-06:00

WOW. I cannot believe that it’s been a month since my last posting. That is just crazy. I’ve got a bunch of stuff written and I will try to post as much of it as I can today. December has been a wicked busy month.

So what has all happened you ask?

Well…

I bought about a gallon of insect killer with a spray nozzle. And, of course, I have yet to see another centipede now that I am properly armed to wage war against Satan’s beast. Whatever.

I thought I had discovered a new friend in my apartment building. So close, yet so far.

Isabella turned four. A birthday bowling party for four year olds. And yes, they beat me. Sad, I know.

I went to JingleBall 2007 and saw Blake Lewis, Jordin Sparks, Good Charlotte, Fabolous, Avril Lavine, and Timbaland with Keri Hilson and OneRepublic perform. It was a good time had by all.

I tried to go and see “Celine Dion: A New Day” for it’s special movie theatre presentation across America but it was sold out. WTF? That was a waste of a night. I’m still pissed.

I bought a ticket to Dolly Parton’s concert in February. 7th row. Yes, I will be blinded by her glitter, sequins, and gemstones. I cannot wait! There is rumor of me getting a backstage pass. If there is a God…

I had a very tense meeting with my improv coaches. I asked to be switched to another Six Ring team. It pretty much boiled down to the fact that they were “The View” and I was Rosie O’Donnell in the world of Six Ring improv. It wasn’t pretty.

I saw “I Am Legend” and I am still not sleeping right. Cripes. No more scary movies…ever.

I did another bit for the K102 Morning Show. It went over really well. A listener called in to say that I was a “stitch” and that she thought I was hilarious.

I was recognized at Target watching a woman confess to stealing laundry soap. Freakin hysterical. I was laughing so hard I was crying.

Christmas was good.

I am performing stand up comedy and improv tonight. I am very nervous. I wonder if I will ever get over the being nervous part. Hummmm…

Centipede II: Rise of Satan's Beast!

2007-11-27T15:01:00.000-06:00

Last night, much to my horror, I discovered another centipede in my bedroom. What the #&@%. For real. Satan’s warrior was up on the wall by the bedroom door. Thank God it wasn’t by my bed again…that would have made me suicidal.

The centipede froze in place on the wall. I am pretty sure it was surprised to see me. I don’t think it expected me to come home when I did. Centipedes may be smart, but they don’t adapt well when their plan fails them. Centipedes do not have a “Plan B”. So I quickly grabbed the vacuum and sucked it up off the wall. I then thought I should go out to the dumpster and empty the vacuum’s canister. But, as luck would have it…it was dark out and that would mean that the raccoons would be out as well. It was like really bad déjà vu all over again. This is exactly what happened with the first centipede! So then I thought well since I am not in the mood to be mauled by raccoons, I could just put the canister in a plastic bag and tie it shut for the night. As I was about to pull off the canister I thought to myself “What if there are more centipedes tonight? Can I get the canister back on the vacuum fast enough to catch them?”. I figured that I probably wouldn’t be able to get it back together fast enough in the moment of stress. So I just vacuumed the floor three times throughout the night to make sure it was dead.

For the rest of the night I did sneak attacks to check and see if there were any more centipedes lurking about. The sneak attack is when I get as far into the dark room as possible with my finger still on the light switch. I then flip the switch on and yell “AH HA!” and look around the room quickly to see if I see any centipedes making a run for it. There was a two hour stretch where I did a sneak attack about every 10 minutes. I was more than a little obsessed with it. After many sneak attacks that turned up empty handed I had the bright idea to check behind my bed. If I was a centipede waiting for the opportunity to attack, I would hide behind the bed. Sneaky. So I moved the bed out a little ways from the wall and then I popped up and yelled “AH HA!” and I hit my chin really freakin’ hard on the headboard. I now have a massive bruise on my chin and it hurts like hell. Ouch. Seriously. I hate centipedes even more now that I have suffered a near fatal injury. Good thing I don’t have any modeling gigs today (not that I have ever had a modeling gig in my entire life, but still…) because there is not enough make up and photo shop skills to cover up the damage done to my chin.

Well, I never found another centipede last night, but the paranoia was in full rage nonetheless. I slept with the vacuum next to my bed and I had a flashlight on my nightstand. As I was lying there with my tools for centipede hunting I thought…this is just like the scene in the previews for the new Will Smith movie “I Am Legend” where he is laying the bathtub sleeping with his dog and shotgun. As I feel asleep I thought…”I really am Legend”.

I slept like a crack whore needing a fix. Which is not good. I was up every few minutes, darting around the room and the crashing again. I think tonight I might have to pull a Liza Minnelli and do a little self-medicating to get through the night. I’ll have to score a few pills from some kids down the road at the elementary school and then hit the liquor store. I am flippin’ tired!

Centipedes be warned. I will kill you all. I hate you. If I had my way, Earth would be centipede free. I feel myself slipping into diabolical madness. Help.

I'm an Elf!

2007-11-27T11:35:00.001-06:00

http://www.elfyourself.com/?id=9618235403

Click on the link to see me as a dancing elf with Dolly Parton, Carrie Underwood, Jessica Simpson.

And yes...it is a very slow day at work today.

The Ladies of the Traffic Department.

2007-11-26T17:53:00.000-06:00

This is a video of my co-workers in the traffic department. These ladies crack me up big time. They are a riot. Enjoy.

Thanksgiving: Just like planes, trains and automobiles.

2007-11-23T22:59:00.000-06:00

Well, another Thanksgiving has come and gone. This year the family took the easy way out and just went to a Thanksgiving Day buffet. Completely the way to go…no mess, no fuss, no dishes (God, I hate doing dishes!). Besides, since the death of my mom, it’s never been the same since. Just another day. So this year we went to some little corner restaurant/bar in a small town outside of St. Cloud. I don’t’ remember the name of the town…it started with a “D” though…that much I do remember. Dulham, maybe? Maybe not. Anyway…it reminded me of a scene out of some sort of movie or a Lifetime channel TV special. The men were at the bar talking and playing the video games, the women were off at a table talking up a storm and the kids were running around. It made me think of the movie “Gremlins” or any one of the movies in the genre of “local boy moves away and returns to town to reconnect with his past and confront his personal demons and finds love when he least expected it”. It was nice actually. Everyone got along and there was no fighting…which is rare, very rare.

But, getting to my sister’s was another story. I had planned on going up north on Wednesday night, but at the last minute I got lazy and decided I would go in the morning. When I woke up it was snowing quite a bit where I live…enough to cover the all the grass and roads and the car had to be brushed off. I was actually brushing off my car when one of my neighbors came up to me and asked me to loan her my brush and ice scraper. Fine no big deal. But, then she stuck out her hand. I guess the fact that I was in the middle of cleaning off my own car was not important to her and that her needs were greater than my own, despite the fact that she is a complete and total stranger to me. I handed over my brush and just stared her down in a passive aggressive manner. After all, it is the holiday season…who am I to be rude? It’s a good thing I am done with the steroids for my laryngitis though otherwise I would probably be in jail in right for another episode of roid rage. Thank God for small miracles.

Once I got on the freeway it was like a flipping blizzard at times…the snow would come down so hard and fast I couldn’t see anything and all the cars would slow down to a creep and then it would clear and we would all put the pedal to the metal and gun it until the next mini-blizzard would hit. Finally I got off 394 and was heading north on 494 and traffic came to stop again. After barely moving for 20 minutes I started to debate if the Thanksgiving buffet was worth all the aggravation. Finally traffic broke free. No accident, no roadwork, no nothing. I have no idea why it was so clogged up. I filled up on gas in Maple Grove and hit 94. Well, much to my anger, 94 was now at a complete and total dead stop. So I made the first exit I could and just snaked my way to Highway 10. I was on the phone with my sister while she was looking at a map to try and figure out where I was and what I needed to take to get to Highway 10. Once I finally made it onto 10, I was stopped yet again because someone’s car broke down at the stop light. Let me tell you this…darting into the other traffic lane while the one you are in is at a dead stop is D-A-N-G-E-R-O-U-S. One would think the cars in the other lane would slow down, but no, I think they actually sped up. After seeing two other cars almost get smashed into, I decided to go in the other direction and exit the stalled lane via the turn lane. Yes, I am brilliant. After another few minutes I was finally back on track and headed up north. Thankfully I had Paula on the phone to keep me company.

What a pain the ass that trip was. No lie.

Next year I will totally go up the night before and just stick to the original plan.

STICK. WITH. THE. PLAN.

The Wrong Princess. Baby Rage Proof.

2007-11-22T18:48:00.000-06:00

Here it is. The remains of baby rage over my drawing the wrong princess. I was in the middle of coloring in the dress when Isabella struck. The heart shaped top on the dress was the trigger for the baby rage. Who knew Isabella hated heart shaped dress tops? Not me! You can see the wrinkles in the paper from where she crumpled it up, then flattened it out and scribbled in orange crayon to teach me a lesson. Up in the corner you can see the brown circles she drew to show me how to draw curls. Make note...that is the correct way to draw "curls" for the hair, not the way I did it.

Lesson learned. NEVER draw a princess with a 4 year old girl.

The Boy Ain't Right: Part 4

2007-11-21T23:06:00.000-06:00

The Boy Ain't Right: Part 3

2007-11-21T22:49:00.000-06:00

The Boy Ain't Right: Part 2

2007-11-21T21:47:00.000-06:00

The Boy Ain't Right: Part 1

2007-11-21T21:27:00.000-06:00

The Boy Ain't Right

2007-11-20T11:43:00.000-06:00

"The Boy Ain't Right" November 17, 2007

Is my name really that hard to spell? For real? The Bastards!

Saturday night I had my stand up comedy show “The Boy Ain’t Right” back in my hometown. It was a riot. I had so much fun. The vast majority of the show was new material so I was a little nervous about that, but I had no reason to worry…the audience had a blast.

Slowly but surely my life is starting to become very Kathy Griffin-esque. I felt like I was in an episode of “My Life on the D-List”. First off, I was bumped out of the main room because of a birthday party. So I had to perform in the dining room. Now this supper club is more than a little run down. The wall paper is peeling off the walls, the carpet is beyond stained, the tables and chairs are broken. It’s pretty much grossalicious. Since I was bumped out of the regular room due to the birthday party they had a little chunk of a stage for me to stand on, a home stereo system (you know the kind with the detachable speakers) with a microphone plugged into it, and no lighting. It was awesome.

The best or worst part, depending on how much of a sense of humor you have, was the fact that they misspelled my name on the sign in the parking lot. Whatever.

I started the show by saying…

“I have two questions. First off, who the f*ck is Sherry?”

And people died.

Someone yelled out “It’s her birthday, she’s 40 today” to which I replied “I don’t give a shit. I get top billing around here. Did any of you pay to see Sherry? I hate her. Sherry can kiss my ass. In fact, get up everyone…we are going back there to tell her that.”

Then I launched into a bit about how my name was misspelled and that usually people just drop one of the “M” but this was the first time I had ever seen it be replaced by an “L” and then some riffs about how I am not taking any shit from them tonight and that from now on I am taking my gigs elsewhere.

And the show started off with a bang. It really was a lot of fun. There was a ton of interaction with the audience and everything flowed well and I was pretty relaxed. I wish every show was like that. Good times.

I did some video of it with my Flip video recorder. When (and by when, I do mean IF) I figure out how to download video and post it on the blog I will. There were some really funny people in the audience.

What Happened?

2007-11-19T11:23:00.001-06:00

Well…I seem to be missing a week of my life. I don’t remember really anything that happened last week, so I can’t blog about it.

How weird.

Was I abducted by aliens? That would explain why I was covered in goo when I woke up in that dark alley in the dead of night.

Did I have amnesia? Well, that would explain why people are coming up to me and talking to me like we are old friends but I have no memory of them.

Was I in jail? If that’s the case, then the cryptic tattoo on my arm would make perfect sense.

Hummm…it’s a mystery.

But, don’t fear, I am back.

(Honestly though…I really don’t remember much of last week. It must have been a really boring week in my life. Wow. That’s really sad and pathetic.)

The Wrong Princess.

2007-11-10T23:13:00.000-06:00

I spent the day babysitting Isabella. Melissa and Richard wanted to do some shopping at the mall, so they dropped her off since she can be quite a terror when she gets tired. There truly is no negotiating with a four year old. They are about as rational as a terrorist. Ugh.

Isabella and I had a blast though. She was perfect for the most part. We only had a couple of tense moments such as when I drew the wrong kind of princess for her. I guess she is rather particular as to how she wants princesses drawn. Who knew? Took me by surprise as she flipped out with the crayon. Talk about baby rage. Wow. I drew the wrong kind of top on the dress and the hair was all wrong. She grabbed the picture and took an orange crayon and scribbled all over it saying that she hated it. I sat on the couch wide eyed thinking to myself “what the hell just happened?”. I am sure Isabella’s hissy fit could have given Whitney Houston a run for her money when she is looking for her crack pipe. Isabella then calmly gave me a lesson on how to properly draw curly hair. Good times. Ugh.

Once we were done coloring we were back on track to having fun. We watched some TV, played some computer games, did two puzzles, built some towers with her giant legos, and ate a ton of cookies. When Melissa and Richard came to pick her up she cried because she didn’t want to go home and that she wanted to spend the night at my place. I guess she had a great day with me, despite my lack of coloring skills. Next time she comes and visits we will just leave the crayola’s in the box and not run the risk of another incident.

I am keeping the picture though of the princess that she scribbled over. I figure it will make a nice graduation or wedding gift someday down the road. It will come back to haunt her. Trust me on that. No one scribbles on my princess pictures. No one.

Wanda Sykes last night was incredible. It was so much fun. She was in top form and did a ton of new material.

Getting there was another story. I got directions from one of my co-workers and they were pretty dead on except for one crucial turn. She gave me the local street name and not the highway name so we missed the turn and had to backtrack. The street name she gave me was only on the little green sesame street sign at the top of the exit ramp. Completely and totally out of view from the highway. It was beyond dumb. Not to mention this casino is out in the middle of nowhere. Talk about creepy. I kept waiting to hear the dueling banjos from the movie “Deliverance”. So Lesli and I got there about 5 minutes before the show started. But we had awesome seats in the 3 row on the aisle.

The opening comic was ok. He was pretty angry and insulted the crowd quite a bit. Which I always think is pretty weak humor. After awhile the crowd started to turn on him and began chanting “Wanda” over and over which only made him angrier. I was glad when he left the stage.

Wanda was on fire though. You could see the moments of comedic inspiration hit and she just went with it. It was great. If you get a chance to see her perform…do it.

Now I am off to bed. I just realized I never left the apartment today. Weird. I feel like a hermit.

Real Snow

2007-11-09T15:03:00.000-06:00

This morning when I went out to the car to go to work I stopped dead in my tracks in the doorway. It was snowing. Not just a little bit of snow, but actual real snow. As in winter snow. It feels way too early in the season to have snow, but apparently what I think or feel has no weight with Mother Nature.

I also had to scrape the car windows. Cripes.

I am not ready for winter. I am still struggling with the time change.

“Ugly Betty” was fantastic last night. Special appearance by Posh Spice. Awesome. It was, and I quote “Major!”. If you don’t watch this show…come on and get on board. You will like it, trust me.

Tonight my friend Lesli and I are going down to Treasure Island Casino for the Wanda Sykes show. I can’t wait. I think Wanda is hilarious and I have never seen her live before so this will be a riot.

Well, back to work. This job is a test from God today. I would say more but I think some of my co-workers read this blog. I will have to come up with a creative set of code words so they don’t catch on. Let me know if you have any suggestions. Hummm…

Rage and Tori

2007-11-08T11:27:00.000-06:00

Yesterday certainly turned out to be an interesting day overall.

I ended up getting a prescription for my laryngitis. I was put on steroids which will hopefully restore my voice in some capacity. Which makes me want to do back flips! After completely losing my voice and not being able to speak at all I have a whole new appreciation for Ariel the Little Mermaid and what she went through. It’s a massive pain in the ass.

So I am now taking the same steroids that I took this summer when I was so sick after the cruise. You remember, right? The ones that make me freakin’ hungry as hell and a little bit crazy. Awesome. At least I know what I am in for this time around. Let the pill popping begin!

Now when I went to get the prescription at Target Pharmacy there was a show down of epic proportions. I went to pick it up and I was told that the prescription wasn’t in the system and they had no record of it. This happened the last time I went to get my other medication and it turned out that no one had ever bothered to check the doctor call in phone line. So I went apeshit. Completely and totally apeshit on the pharmacy department. I looked at the workers and I yelled “I may not be able to talk, but you will hear me…so help me God” and away I went on the express train to Crazyville. They just stood there like deer in the headlights and I ranted and raved like a freakin’ lunatic. I thought they were going to call security to remove me from the store. I was unhinged to say the least.

So after the debacle at Target I headed over to St. Paul to pick up Becca for the Tori Amos concert. It was Becca’s birthday. Happy Birthday Becca!

The opening act blew chunks. I thought he was terrible. HORRIBLE. His name was Yakov or Crack Smoker or Complete Waste Of Time or something along those lines. Did I mention I hated him? I do. I think he is everything that is wrong with music today. No lie.

Tori was fantastic though. She had a really interesting song list for the show. She pulled out some pretty odd choices, but it was good. It’s fun to hear songs sometimes that you never thought you would hear in concert. But, I was very disappointed to not hear “Bouncing Off Clouds”…I love that song and she’s been playing it at almost all the shows so far. DAMMIT! But, it was awesome to hear “Hey Jupiter”. I have loved that song since the first time I heard it years and years ago.

Tori’s scenic design was AMAZING. It was so visually stunning that she could have played “SexyBack” on the pan flute and it would have been art. She had these scrims hanging that changed colors and designs with the lights. Whoever did the scenic design for this tour needs to win a huge award now. It was truly beautiful to look at.

What a weird Wednesday overall. When you wake up in the morning you never quite know what is in store for you, do you?

from a scream to a whisper to silence

2007-11-07T16:17:00.000-06:00

Dolly Parton in the K102 Studio during a commerical break.

Ok, I thought my voice was bad yesterday and I doubted that it could get worse. I was wrong. It is completely gone now. I can pretty much only squeak and grunt. Awesome. Not much different though than a typical Saturday night…only I’m not laying in a dark alley surrounded by beer bottles wondering where my pants are. I joke. I always know where my pants are. They are usually on the dumpster where I left them. Anyways…

I called out sick at work. There is no way I can sit at the front desk and answer the phone. On the phone I could hardly tell my boss that I can’t talk. All he kept saying what “what?” “What?” So I said forget it and that I would just email him.

It’s been a pretty low key day so far. Just laying on the couch and not talking to anyone. I watched “Days of our Lives” for the first time in months. Well, not much has changed in Salem. Just the same old people sleeping with different people and betraying the people they were sleeping with when I saw it months ago. Just like real life, huh?

Anyways…nothing new to report. I am going to go take a nap. Tonight is the Tori Amos concert and come hell or high water I am going. I won’t be cheering or yelling. I will just be sitting there quietly…well, I will clap loudly I guess.

I “heart” Tori.

By the way…great Dolly picture huh? I took it myself. A little behind the scenes glimpse into “The Dolly Experience 2007”. Awesome.

Silence

2007-11-06T11:52:00.001-06:00

My voice is history. Gone. Zip. Zelch. Nada. I can hardly say a word. I am not joking or exaggerating.

In honor of my losing my voice I will just have a blog of silence.

Begin.

End.

Thank you.

First Snow Flakes

2007-11-05T17:09:00.000-06:00

This morning we had the first snow flakes of the season. Ugh. Once it starts there is no turning back. I cannot believe how quickly this year has gone. It’s a blur…really, truly, completely. Whoosh, it’s almost gone.

The time change this weekend is kicking my ass. It’s amazing how much of a change just an hour is. While it was fantastic to sleep for an extra hour the downside is clearly that it’s dark out so early now. It’s already black out and I haven’t even left work yet. Winter is always a tough one for me. I wonder if I have that season mood disorder. I am already barking at work that I need sun lamps for my desk area.

It was a fun weekend…I had a blast with Isabella. We went to “The Bee Movie”. Too much buzz I think. Amusing at best. Even she was a little bored with it. Plus, I think Jerry Seinfeld has one of the most irritating voices in showbiz. Listening to him for 90 minutes was more than plenty.

“Desperate Housewives” was awesome last night. I love that freakin’ show. I cannot believe it’s the fourth season already. I have never missed an episode. I look forward to Sunday nights all week. But then reality usually sets in as the show ends and I realize that in the morning it will be Monday. Lordy do I hate Mondays. Isn’t that a song? I should play it at work. I think it would send a clear message to my co-workers and crazy listeners that wander in.

I am losing my voice big time. I can hardly talk. It’s been a rough day at work. My boss told me no joking around today and that I need to save my voice. Huh. After 8 hours of being the receptionist I don’t think joking around is going to be the make or break factor in my voice. It’s weird though since I’ve never lost my voice before. It doesn’t really hurt much, there is just nothing there. Odd. Thank God I don’t have a sold out show tonight at Madison Square Garden. That would blow. HA!

But, in other news I am doing a show up in my hometown. All new stand up comedy since the last show I did up there in January. I am calling this show “The Boy Ain’t Right”…which I think is hilarious! The last show I did there caused a minor ruckus over some of the things I said and some people thought I went too far. This kills me since I was defiantly holding back at times. So this show is going to be a little more no holds barred. I will just leave the car running by the back door incase I need to make a hasty exit.

Anyways…back to staring out the windows into the dark of night at 5 PM, err…I mean….back to work.

just like the little mermaid

2007-11-04T19:38:00.000-06:00

I’m losing my voice. Isabella thinks it’s a riot. Every time I saw something she just looks at me and throws up her arms and says “What? What? What, Uncle Jason, I can’t understand you?” and then walks away shaking her head.

Isabella also said that I am just like Ariel when she loses her voice to Ursula. So Isabella has me sing “aaahhh ahhhh, aaaaaaaaahhhhhh, ahhhhhh” and then when my voice cracks and gives out she laughs like Ursula and says that my voice is now her’s and she starts to sing.

That little girl is pretty dramatic. I wonder where she gets it from?

Blog It Out

2007-11-03T11:20:00.000-05:00

Last night I went to see a show that Becca had done costumes for. It was at Northwestern Christian Bible College or something like that. I cannot remember the exact name of the school, but for what it’s worth it’s up in Roseville or someplace like that. I just followed the directions, I didn’t pay much attention.

Anyways…

So I am sitting in my seat waiting for the show to begin and the place just has a whole different vibe to it since it’s a born again, holy roller, praise the Lord, Baptist, sinners are gonna burn in the fires of hell, touch me Jesus, Christian type of school. Not that there is anything wrong with that…I am not judging…to each their own, I am just saying that this is what this place is. And before you say anything smartass…yes, I agree…I too am surprised that I didn’t burst into flames once I stepped onto the property. As I was sitting there I was surrounded by the school’s students in the neighboring seats. The whole section I was in was all students of the school in fact. So I read the program for a little bit and then I start looking around while waiting for the show to start and I notice that a lot of these male students are touching each other. I am looking at them thinking…wow…I never touch my male friends in that manner. They are giving each other ear massages, rubbing each other’s chests, hands on each other’s legs. It was pretty damn gay. So I am sitting there and I am thinking so this is how it all starts…this is how we get a Senator Craig or a Reverend Ted Haggard. This school can deny that any of their students could be gay all they want but…wow…they certainly are. The journey for these kids in life is going to be a long, difficult one. It was honestly weird though…it coulda been a movie “Bibleback Mountain. I was sitting in a sea of gay. No denying that.

So Becca comes along and asks if I want to move and go sit with her. Bingo! Sounds good to me. I move seats with her and we go to this huge section that is pretty much empty. We find some seats and after a few minutes some other people come along and it turns out we are in their seats. Fine…fair enough…so Becca and I move to another row. Once we are seated this woman behind us starts to complain that she can’t see now. So we move again. Then just as the lights dim and the show is about to start the woman that complained about us blocking her view gets up and moves into a different row that is further back than us. So as she walks up the aisle I am so angry that I reach over Becca and I stop the woman as she is passing us and I tell her that I am really glad that she pitched a fit and made us move only for her to move a few seconds later. I told her that as long as she is happy nothing else really matters. I don’t know what came over me but I was beyond pissed off.

Becca, of course, is sitting there in horror. As the show is starting I am still ranting like a madman and Becca looks at me and says “just blog it out later”. So there it is. Blog it out. Kind of a “let it go and blog it out” mantra.

The show was enjoyable once I calmed down and was able to relax. Becca did a great job with the costumes and it was really pretty to look at.

After the show we went to “Old Chicago” to grab a bite to eat. As I was walking in I seriously misjudged where the door was. I walked right into a giant wall size pane of dark glass. I hit it hard. Thank God I didn’t break it or even worse, walk right through it. I hit it so damn hard that I actually left a face print on the glass. There were two witnesses to the event. As I bounced off the glass and stood there trying to figure out what just happened all I saw were stars and the only things I could hear were birds chirping and these two girls gasp loudly. I turned about and looked at them and said “did you see that?” to which they nodded yes in shock. I then replied “ladies…this is apparently a wall of glass. Watch out.” and then went inside.

While I was eating my delicious cheese pizza I thought to myself “I am really glad that I am not in the ER right now.”

A long Friday night in all.

Carrie Underwood - American Idol turned American Superstar!

2007-10-31T23:29:00.000-05:00

Carrie Underwood and Me.

This afternoon Carrie Underwood was in the office for a K102 album listening party for her new CD. It was a pretty difficult event to get into but I was allowed in, despite some rather loud and ridiculous grumblings from some of my co-workers. It’s amazing to me that 50 and 60 year old adults can act like middle school kids. Pathetic actually.

Carrie Underwood won American Idol a couple of years ago and released her first album “Some Hearts” in 2005 and it’s gone on to sell over 6 million copies. Her new album “Carnival Ride” is currently the number one album in the country and sold over 527,000 copies in it’s first week. Those are massive sales figures. She has won Grammy Awards, CMA Awards, American Music Awards, and tons and tons of other awards. Carrie is a massive star. Her hits include “Jesus Take The Wheel”, “Wasted”, “Before He Cheats”, “So Small”, and many more. She’s a big deal.

Anyways…before the event Carrie, her bodyguard, and one of our staff members in promotions walked past my desk. I didn’t fully realize that it was her, because I was working on some stuff at my desk. I just looked up and politely said “Hello” to them since they were literally three inches from me. All Carrie did was look at me with this half assed smirk and just kept walking. What is that about? Seriously? One of my other co-workers was near the elevators and just looked at me in disgust and then did a giant “W” with his fingers for “whatever”. So I looked him and asked if that was Carrie Underwood and he said yes it was. Can you believe it? I was dissed by Carrie freakin’ Underwood. Ugh.

So then I thought to myself…”what would I say when I met her at the K102 event?”. She already ignored me so hopefully she would be a little more friendly when a crowd was watching her every move.

At the listening party people would go up and meet her between the on-air bits and get a picture taken and have her autograph something. When it got to be my turn I walked up, handed my camera to her manager and gave her my CD booklets for her to sign. She asked me my name and started to autograph the CD booklet for “Some Hearts”. Then I looked at her and said…

“Carrie, ever since your first CD came out you have been such an inspiration. Whenever I am at the front desk and things get too hectic and the phone starts to ring off the hook, I just look at it, throw my arms up and say “Jesus take the switchboard!”.

I thought it was HILARIOUS! Absolutely one of the funniest things of all time. I cracked myself up majorly.

So Carrie looks at me and says “Really?”

I say, “Uh huh.”

Her manager then takes the picture and we smile big.

Then she looks me dead in the eye and says seriously “Does it work?”

At this point I realized she was very serious and it wasn’t going as I planned so I looked at her and said “Usually.”

Thankfully the awkwardness ended there because the commercial break was over and she needed to get back on stage for the interview.

She said it was nice to meet me and smiled and handed back the CD booklets and I went on my way.

There it is. Interesting, huh. Does Carrie Underwood really think I look at my phone and say “Jesus take the switchboard!” when it rings? I guess I will never know. She certainly seemed to take me seriously. Maybe she will talk about it in a future interview. I can hear it now….”Back in Minnesota there is a guy who gets stressed out when he has to answer the phone and he…”

Unbelievable.

Meeting An Icon: The Dolly Parton Experience 2007

2007-10-30T23:17:00.000-05:00

Dolly Parton and Me!

I was exhausted when I woke up before the crack of dawn this morning. I had not slept at all other than maybe a total of three hours at most. I was too excited to meet Dolly Parton. I bolted up and quickly got ready for the day. As I headed out to my car in the pitch blackness of the night I heard the raccoons clattering away near the dumpster. I actually broke into a brisk run. I figured that if the raccoons were going to attack, with my luck, it would be the day I’m supposed to meet Dolly Parton. Fortunately for me, the raccoons did not decided to wage a battle this morning and I made it safely to my car.

Mary and I met up with Bruce and Scott early to get the studio set up and make sure everything was on schedule for Dolly’s arrival. We went downstairs to the back entrance to wait for her car. As I stood there thinking about what was about to take place I was struck by how odd it must be to be famous. Here is Dolly…a living cultural icon, and she has to arrive at the backdoor, enter the building through a loading dock, take the back hallways, use the crappy freight elevator, and go down a hallway filled with old junk. It’s so strange. You spend your life working to reach the heights of fame and fortune and you end up using the back door while everyone else comes in the front doors through the amazing lobby all the fountains and potted plants. Bizarre to say the least.

When Dolly’s car pulled up I really thought I might pass out. The anticipation was huge. Her manager got out of the car and Scott went into the building to get the elevator ready. As we waited Dolly stayed in the car. Bruce handed her manager a card and he then walked over the town car and the driver cracked his window and took the card and as he rolled up the window I saw him pass the card to a hand coming from the backseat. It was Dolly. She really was in there. It was so cool. It was like a scene out of a Hollywood movie. Then a few seconds later Dolly rolled down her window and poked her head out and said that she was waiting to be let out of the car and made a joke them having the child proof locks on so she was stuck.

After a few minutes we got the go ahead and Dolly popped out of the limo. I was struck by how tiny she really is. She is a very petite woman which makes it even more interesting since her personality is larger than life. After a quick round of introductions we headed in through the loading dock. As we walked through the building I was at the back of the pack. I was walking and thinking “Oh my God…I am walking down the hall with Dolly Parton”. After a few moments she turned back and said “Come on up here Jason and get outta the rear.” So I walked side by side with Dolly. Crazy but true.

Once upstairs we were locked out. We were stuck. Mary’s security badge wasn’t working and my badge was in my bag down in the studio. It was pretty dark so I was holding a door by the elevator open to let in a little bit of light while Mary kept trying to get her badge to work. I started to laugh because I thought it was pretty funny and would make an interesting story for my stand up comedy routine. As Mary got more stressed and her management grew concerned all of a sudden the lights came on and Dolly said “I flipped the switch, ya’all”. I just about died. No one thought of flipping on the light switch. Then Dolly says “Look, it shoulda always been on.” and points to the sign next to the switch saying “Do not turn off the lights.” HILARIOUS. After a few minutes someone from the studio came and let us in.

Once down at the studio we took some pictures and I asked Dolly about her duet with Culture Club on “You’re Kisses Are Charity”. It’s a great song and I love it, but it was never released here, only in Europe. Dolly seemed a little surprised that I knew about the song and told me that she loved it when it was sent to her and that she was excited to sing on it. She also said that she had planned on singing a solo version of the song for her new album, “Backwoods Barbie”, but it didn’t work out and she hoped to still do it at some point. She also said that she knew Boy George from way back because they both loved make up. I had her sign my cd of the duet and she looked at a picture of Boy George and said “Look it’s me!” Dolly really is hysterical. The woman has a one of kind sense of humor. She says whatever is on her mind and is really quick. Sharp as a pin. But, it’s not mean or malicious…it’s very sincere and well intentioned.

Her interview on the show was amazing. She talked about the new album, shared some personal stories about growing up, broke some news about the Broadway musical version of “9 to 5”, and finally spoke of her friendship with Porter Wagoner who passed away on Sunday.

After the interview she did a couple more pictures with some staff members and then I walked with them back down to the car. Dolly and I chit-chatted on the way down and once we got downstairs said our goodbyes and she was off.

It was an amazing morning! I got to spend about an hour with Dolly and was able to have real conversations instead of a quick. “Hi, I love you!” sort of thing. Dolly was more amazing than I had ever dreamed she would be. That woman is the real deal. She is kind, sincere, hilarious, and genuine. I am a fan for life. Viva La Dolly!

(Note: There will be another part of the story added soon. But, first I have to blog about a different incident for it to make sense. The two are connected in a crazy way. So stay tuned for the “director’s cut blog” coming soon.)

I met Dolly Parton!

2007-10-30T09:20:00.000-05:00

I met Dolly Parton! It was a freaking blast. She is a complete and total riot. I will have the full story posted later today.

Be sure to check back and read all about it. Unreal!

Big Star Revealed! It's Dolly Parton!

2007-10-29T17:14:00.000-05:00

Someone finally guessed! It is Dolly Parton! Ya Hoo! The winner didn't leave their name, but they got it right nonetheless. Congrats.

Tomorrow at this time check back for the full report on meeting the one, the only, the incredible Dolly Parton!

Big Star. Clue # 4.

2007-10-26T17:10:00.000-05:00

Another smart clue that isn't right. Either my hints are too hard or this artist is really going to be a huge surprise!

The lastest guess was....

Sarah said... Ooooo!Tina Turner!!!Could we be so lucky as to get a musical version of Mad Max??

A musical of Mad Max...now that would be wild. Crazy wild.

Clue # 4.

This artist has an album coming out in early 2008. The album is a two word title.

Big Star. Clue # 3

2007-10-25T17:06:00.001-05:00

Well another fantastic guess came in from my friend Victoria.

victoria said... Jennifer Lopez (aka J Lo aka Jenny from tha block)?

But, sadly she is wrong. It's not J. Lo. Good shot though.

This is harder than I thought it would be. Huh. I will have to come up with some sort of a prize for the winner.

Now on to clue # 3.

This artist will soon have a musical on Broadway based on one of her previous projects.

Outwit. Outsmart. Outplay. A bug?

2007-10-25T12:24:00.000-05:00

What a long night. I am exhausted. I spent the majority of the night trying to outwit a centipede that I never actually saw. Even though I never saw another centipede, I know that they are there. Somewhere. Lurking in the walls or maybe in some dark corner of a closet. If there is one, there is always more. There is never just one…ever. Yesterday I googled centipedes for hours…literally. I am not alone. A ton of people have this very same problem. There is misery in the numbers. I should start a centipede support group.

As soon as I got home I decided to get rid of the crap in the vacuum’s canister. I plugged in the vacuum to get it ready incase I needed to turn it on quickly if the centipede should somehow still be alive and attempt to escape. I stepped on the toilet paper and pulled the tube back. I wasn’t about to pull it out with my hand. There was no way I was going to let the centipede pull a sneak attack and run up my arm. I am a lot smarter than that…trust me. While I was prepared, it was ultimately not needed. It must have been dead since it did not crawl out at me. So I popped off the canister and headed out to the dumpster. As I was about to dump it into the dumpster I thought I need to make sure it’s really dead. Yes, I have seen one too many soap operas involving staged and faked deaths. Unless I see the remains, I don’t really believe something is dead. So I grabbed a twig and picked through the dirt in the canister. I didn’t see the centipede. Surely it would have been crushed by the suction of the vacuum, right? It was probably annihilated by the power of it. But, what if it survived? What if it had escaped in the dark of night? What if it was in some dark crevice plotting my demise. What if? There was no way to be certain. There was no way for me to put my mind at rest. I’ll never really know for sure. I’ll probably go to my grave wondering about it.

I didn’t want to go to sleep. I’ll be honest. I was more than a little freaked out. It’s ridiculous that a bug could throw me into such a tailspin…but it has.

So for the majority of the night I would go into my bedroom and quick flip on the light and dart around looking for anything moving. I would also use this tactic in the bathroom. A few times I did yell out “A HA!” without even thinking about it. I don’t think centipedes can hear, but better safe than sorry. I figured that sooner or later the centipede would return to the scene of the crime. All night long…over and over and over and over I tried my ambush attack. Despite my best efforts to have the upper hand by the element of surprise, it was all in vain. Finally at 2 AM I decided to try to go to bed. But, honestly I knew I would not get much sleep. I figured I would toss and turn in bed all night thinking I was feeling one in my bed or thinking that I could hear it crawling on my wall or even hear it whispering to me “I’m going to kill you.”. The centipede never returned as far as I know,

I think I might just take some sleeping pills tonight and knock myself out. I need to get some sleep somehow. Self medicating might be the only way to do it.

Who would have ever thought that trying to outsmart a centipede would be so difficult?

Big Star. Clue # 2.

2007-10-24T16:48:00.000-05:00

So far a guess has been made and it's not correct.

Here it is incase you missed it...

rockinfreakpotomous said... Is it Cher?

Nope...but Cher is an excellent guess. I would love to meet her. Cross your fingers...someday hopefully!

So here comes clue #2.

This artist has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

Quick guess.

Jason VS. the Centipede: An epic battle.

2007-10-24T15:01:00.000-05:00

Did you hear my screams of terror last night? At 2:30 AM I discovered the world’s largest centipede on the wall above my bed. A part of me died last night upon seeing it on my wall. I turned on my light and there it was. It seriously looked to be about 8 feet long. I guess it is a “house centipede” which is different from a regular centipede. But…honestly…a gross bug is a gross bug.

Now a few days earlier I found one on my bathroom floor. I figured it must have crept in through a drain or plumbing or something along those lines. I stood there and saw it racing around the floor when I turned on the light. I swear it ran around faster than anything I have ever seen move before. Finally it ran itself into a corner and I was able to squish it with some toilet paper and flush the remains. I figured it was a fluke. A one time deal. I was wrong.

Standing there in my bedroom…staring at this huge killer bug on my wall, I had a flash back to the one from the bathroom. I figured this one had come seeking revenge on me for killing it’s partner, but by my turning on the light I somehow thwarted it’s evil plan. We stood there…sizing each other up. It would come down to size versus speed.

If I tried to squish it, I knew what would happen. I would have to stand on my bed, the centipede would make an unexpected move, I would have a heart attack and fall off the bed and end up hitting my head and knocking myself unconscious while the centipede escapes and is loose in my bedroom…free to come back at a later date to complete it’s diabolical mission to kill me. So I thought of plan b. I went with the vacuum cleaner. I grabbed it quick from the closet and assembled the hose attachments. I plugged it in and waited until the perfect moment to attack. Three, two, one…go! I turned it on and sucked it up before it even knew what was happening. Brilliant, I know. Then I had to do a little bit of vacuuming to make sure that it wasn’t just hanging on for dear life in the tube or anything. After all, it only has a million legs for it to use to cling on for safety. I also wanted to make sure it was dead and smashed by other bits of dirt and dust. Then to play it safe I stuffed toilet paper in the hose opening to block any escape should it have survived up to this point. I left nothing to chance.

I would have just taken the vacuum canister out to the dumpster, but it was 2:30 AM and I did not want to get attacked by the raccoons that pillage through the garbage at night. A centipede was terrible, but rabies would be even worse. You have to get shots when you have rabies.

Tonight after work I am going to get some bug spray and go over the house like crazy. I will probably be dead by tomorrow from all the fumes.

Ick.

By the way…here is a link to what it looked like. I was going to post a picture of it but then I realized I don’t want a picture of it on my blog. It’s too nasty. I don’t want to give any of you nightmares. Ugh.

http://www.uos.harvard.edu/ehs/pes_centipedes.shtml

Big Star...An Icon If You Will...

2007-10-23T16:41:00.000-05:00

Next week at this time my blog will be abuzz with the story of me meeting a musical icon. Make sure to check back and read all about it. No...it's not Madonna sadly...but she is pretty damn cool. I'm really excited about it. I had to be put on a list for her record label's management team. How cool is that?

I keep thinking of what I want to say to her. I just don't know. I want to come up with something about her work and music rather than the lame "I'm a huge fan...you rock." sort of crap celebs always get. I think the best way to show respect is to know their work and have actually thought about it. Like when I met Jessica Simpson she seemed really blown away when I asked questions about her music rather than the usual "Do you know the difference between tuna and chicken now?" stuff that she got from others.

Some clues...let's see if you can guess. And Becca...you are not allowed to guess since you already know who it is and you have been sworn to secrecy.

Clue #1. She is a singer and an actress.

Good luck!

Worst. Mood. Ever.

2007-10-23T16:32:00.000-05:00

I am in worst mood ever. I’m beyond crabby. My attitude is just foul. No lie. People are just making me completely crazy lately. Tick, tick, boom. I’m going to explode if one more stupid person asks me one more stupid question about one more stupid situation that I don’t care about. Ugh. Today is a bad day to be a receptionist.

Anyway…it’s been a couple of days since I last blogged…so here is a recap of the weekend.

The show on Friday night went well. It was good, honest. We were all a little tired given the fact that it was at midnight, but hey, such is life. The audience seemed to enjoy it a great deal, so that was nice. I have Six Ring again tonight. God I hope I’m in a better mood. Cross your fingers everyone otherwise I will be one hell of a crabby improviser.

On Saturday Melissa and Isabella came down and we went to the Kidz Bop concert at the Target Center. Isabella had a blast. She responds like crazy to music. She loves it. She dances, claps, sings, yells, hollers, and jumps like crazy. Melissa and I did the heavy metal symbol with our hands…devil horns or whatever it’s called, and Isabella looked at us and stuck her hands up in the air holding up her three fingers like she does when she is asked how old she is. She tried to get it right, but just couldn’t quite to do it. It was absolutely hilarious. She would yell and clap in-between the songs and eventually she had to make her way out into the aisle so she had more room to dance. With each passing day she cracks me up more and more. That little girl is quite a firecracker. No doubt about it.

Sunday was a pretty low key day…just did laundry and cleaned the apartment. The weather was terrible again…cold and windy and cloudy. Soon the winter blues will be upon us. Just a few more weeks. Usually fall is my favorite time of the year. I love the brisk air, the changing leaves on the trees, the Halloween decorations. I love it all. But, so far this fall has been terrible weather wise. Too much rain…not enough sun. It’s been hard to do anything outside other than run from the car to the building because of a rainstorm.

Yesterday was a tough day. I went to a funeral. My friend Mary’s dad passed away. She was really close to her dad. Her pain is pretty deep. I know it all too well since I lost my mom a couple of years ago. The funeral was sad. You could tell he was a great guy and that he will be missed by many. This was the third funeral I’ve been to in the past two months. Enough is enough. I want to get together with people for a happy occasion for a change of pace.

Last night I watched the DVD promo of the ABC TV show “Samantha Who?”. WOW. It is a riot. It’s really, really smart and funny and clever. I would recommend watching it definitely. I missed the regular airing of it, but figured it was no big deal since I have the DVD. But…I won’t miss it again. I laughed out loud more than a few times which is really rare for me. Christina Applegate is brilliant in it (I’m not even a huge fan of her but I can’t deny the girl has pluck in this series) and the two women that play her friends are amazing. If you get a chance watch the show. I bet you will love it. God knows I do.

There it is…my exciting weekend in a nutshell. A concert, some cleaning, and a funeral. Just like the movies.

Today I got some good news though. My show “Last Laugh” is coming back for a one night gig in December at Bryant Lake Bowl and in the upcoming new year it will hopefully be added to the calendar as a regular monthly gig. That’s pretty cool. It’s all gotta start somewhere…right?

Midnight? On Stage? For real?

2007-10-19T16:38:00.000-05:00

Tonight I have to perform at Six Ring Circus as part of the special Friday Night Midnight Show. For real? I am dead beat tired. I can hardly stay awake. I have no idea how I am going to make it through the show, much less have it be funny or interesting.

Our show on Tuesday was horrible. Truly terrible. I did not jump into any the scenes until the end when I got pulled into one because it was such a mess that I didn’t want to add to the crapfest that was taking place. I have never been so embarrassed to be on stage before in my entire life. I wanted to actually apologize to the audience for what they had to sit through.

Our team has some wildly talented people on it, so talent really isn’t the issue. The issue is more that of connecting and becoming a team rather than individual players dancing in the spotlight.

I hope tonight goes well. I just don’t have the energy or strength to endure yet another bad show and stay up all freakin’ night to do it.

Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This): Meeting Annie Lennox.

2007-10-19T00:06:00.000-05:00

Annie Lennox

State Theatre. Minneapolis. Minnesota. October 18, 2007.

I met Annie Lennox. After being a fan for over 20 years I finally got a chance to not only meet her but also have an actual conversation.

Annie’s concert tonight at the State Theatre was electric. She was at the top of her game and is a true performer. Annie’s talent far exceeds that of an entertainer. Annie is a true artist to the core. After weeks of desperation, false hopes, plotting and scheming...I landed a ticket just hours before the show. A perfect seat, 10th row, dead center aisle.

My favorite moments of the show included her performances of “Pavement Cracks”, “Sweet Dreams”, “No More I Love Yous”, “Why” “Sing”, and my favorite song off her new album “Smithereens”. “Smithereens” makes me think of a friend from college that I’ve grown apart from, so it was definitely an emotional part of the concert to say the least.

After the encore I beat feet to the stage door. There was no way I was going to let her get from the stage to the tour bus without an autograph. I was totally prepared. In my bag I had eight Eurythmics studio albums, two Eurythmics greatest hits albums, Annie’s four solo albums, the remix cd of “Pavement Cracks”, and the soundtrack for “The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King” in which she did the theme song and won an Oscar Award for. I also had four black Sharpie markers and two silver Sharpie markers and an umbrella. I was ready. So I get out the sidewalk and it is raining pretty good and cold and really windy at times. I pulled out my umbrella and a wind gust came along and in a Mary Poppins moment sucked up my umbrella and snapped all the wire arms. Dammit. So I was so disgusted I just threw it on the ground. The first time I ever littered. I was livid. I am sure some homeless person was happy to find it and hopefully found a good use for it. But, after a few moments I just resigned myself to the fact that I was going to be really cold and very wet. So it goes.

The crowd grew a little larger at the stage door with many other hopefuls. We were all chatting and talking about the crazy weather and how awesome the show was. After a little bit some people started to sing her song “Sing” and everyone joined it. It became a rousing little Kumbaya moment on the sidewalk. Of course I knew Madonna’s part of the song.

After a short wait we were ushered into the building and told that they were in a hurry but that Annie would sign autographs quickly. Everyone could get one autograph.

I didn’t know what I should have her sign. I called Becca in a panic but she was no help at all. She was sleeping, so she was pretty out of it and the cell phone reception was terrible. So after trying to explain to her what was happening a million times I finally gave up and just said “I’ll talk to you tomorrow” and hung up quick. The women behind me had overheard me on the phone and asked what I was going to have Annie sign. I told them that I had all the cd’s in my bag and that I didn’t know what to do. One of them just looked at me and said “You are so cute. Just relax. Go to your quiet place. Be still”. So I did. Then she asked me what my favorite song of Annie’s is. Without hesitation I said “Into the West”. She said “Ok then…there you go. That’s what you have her sign.” She was right. That was the perfect choice for me.

As I was standing there watching Annie talk to people and giving autographs it just seemed really surreal. It’s so odd when you see people in real life that you have watched on TV for years and years. She is really beautiful in person. She is also small. I just looked at her and was struck by how human and regular she seemed standing there. After a few more moments it was my turn…

Annie: Hello.
Me: Hi. Would you please sign this?
Annie: Sure.

*Annie seemed really surprised that I had “The Lord of the Rings” soundtrack for her to sign. So I figured I’d just tell her why quickly.*

Me: I have to tell you. I absolutely love the song “Into the West”.
Annie: Thank you.
Me: When my mom was in the hospital after being diagnosed with cancer she wanted me to go and buy a cd to listen to while she would be sleeping. I went and bought this cd because of your song on it.

*At this point I started to tear up and my voice started to crack. I couldn’t believe I was getting to emotional about it. She looked at me and grabbed my hand.*

Annie: Oh really. Wow. Thank you.
Me: No, thank you. Your song really helped me deal with what was going on.
Annie: Well, it a good song for that situation. Interestingly enough, you know it was written for someone who had cancer as well.
Me: It’s a beautiful song. It was sung at my mom’s funeral.
Annie: My mother also died of cancer. I know where you are coming from. It’s such a difficult experience. I wish you well.
Me: Thank you. I’d give you a hug but I am soaked from the rain. So I’ll just shake your hand, if that’s ok?

*We shook hands and then she held my hand for a moment and patted it with her other hand.*

Annie: Of course. Thank you for coming.
Me: Thank you. Good Night.

And then she handed back my CD and marker. She smiled and nodded and I headed back into the rain. As I was walking down the street some people that were behind me came running up and told me that they could not believe what just took place. I had to agree. Quite a moment to say the least.

Rainy Thursday

2007-10-18T17:07:00.000-05:00

In a few hours I will be sitting in the audience of the Annie Lennox concert. I finally scored a ticket this afternoon. Talk about being down to the wire. Thank God. I would have been totally suicidal if I would have missed it. As the clocked ticked away today I just kept getting more and more stressed. Finally it worked out. Row 11 on the center aisle. Finally…connections payed off.

I have my CD and my sharpie marker all ready to go. Hopefully I will catch her after the show before she gets on her bus. Maybe I will have a crazy story to share tomorrow. Cross your fingers.

This weather is just too much. Talk about seasonal disorder. I am nearing the breaking point. All I want to do is lay in bed under a ton of blankets and sleep. Enough is enough…I need the sun. The weather forecast says sun on Saturday. It better be true, because I am about to mentally snap.

Sara Evans was in the office today. She seemed nice. She walked past my desk and smiled. I was on the phone so I didn’t get a chance to talk to her. A ton of people were here. She’s a big star in the world of country music. Carrie Underwood is coming on Halloween. Now…I wanna meet her.

In other news can I just take a moment and say I hate Hanna Montana and her fans. I really do. If one more freakin’ screaming kid calls my phone unable to breathe because they just thought that they won Hanna Montana concert tickets I am going to end up in jail for losing my shit. Seriously. Tomorrow is going to be a definite challenge since kids don’t have school because of MEA. They will be at home all flipping day calling me trying to win tickets. I am going to go nuts. Don’t even think about prank calling me. I will hunt you down.